Healthy and neurotic perfectionism: how to develop the first and get rid of the second

Who is a perfectionist? Meaning of the word

A person who strives to complete work with 6 points on a 5-point system.
A person who cannot refuse to carry out a task that is recognized as unprofitable, and its further development is disastrous.
Finally, a person who does not “know how” to step on the seams of tiles and cannot go to bed until he has eliminated all the debris in his apartment or trimmed the uneven grass in his yard.

(Look at the photo)

These are graduated definitions (in fact, the concept and meaning of perfectionism is multifaceted and can manifest itself in different ways): from positive to neurotic.

Some people think that a perfectionist is very afraid of responsibility. This is wrong!

Synonyms

There are no official synonyms for perfectionism. There are also no adjacent or close phenomena.

The following words are actively used in everyday life:

perfection;
ideal;
impeccability;
perfection;
absolute, etc.

Antonyms

The concept of destructionism becomes antonymous to perfectionism: these are spenders and spendthrifts who tend to destroy (create chaos) and are incapable of construction or creating something new. Another clearly opposite phenomenon (although the source is fundamentally different) is “not giving a damn”, here a person makes nothing at all, no decisions, relying on the beloved “maybe” by many.

From here, from “not giving a fuck,” a thread stretches to procrastination (putting things off), which can become a natural consequence of perfectionism (putting things off due to fear that it won’t be possible to do something perfectly, perfectly).

Perfectionism: when there is no room for error

Who are perfectionists? What types of perfectionism do psychologists identify? How to deal with perfectionism?

Evgenia Dashkova, a contextual behavioral psychologist, teacher at the Association of Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy, spoke about this and much more at the next Apteka.ru broadcast and answered questions from viewers that came during the broadcast.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a personality trait or way of thinking where we believe that an ideal can and should be achieved. A person with perfectionism is confident that there is an ideal in all areas of life, that there is a certain correct way to act in a given situation.

In its pathological form, perfectionism is the belief that only an ideal result has the right to exist.

Perfectionism can extend to all areas of life or be pronounced in only one of them. It happens that perfectionism extends only to work or, for example, parenthood. But more often it affects all areas of life.

The main rule of perfectionism: “Anything that is not perfect is unacceptable.” It is expressed in feelings of shame and guilt when a person does something wrong.

For example, you wrote a thesis, but instead of being happy about it, you think where you could have made a mistake. It is important to remember that with perfectionism, the ideal is unattainable.

American psychiatrist David Burns defines perfectionists as: “People who strive uncontrollably and tirelessly to achieve impossible goals and measure their worth only in terms of productivity and achievement.”

Four Basic Types of Perfectionism

1) Self-oriented perfectionism is expressed in harsh self-criticism. Such people expect ideal results from themselves, they expect their activities to be ideal.

This is the feeling when a person constantly believes that he is not good enough, and when he constantly looks for his own mistakes.

Question from a viewer: What you say are excuses for losers. You can't achieve success that way.

It is important to recognize the difference between wanting to do a good job and having unrealistic standards. A perfectionist doesn't just try to do a good job, he pays too much attention to minor details, which causes the work to be slower and worse. In addition, such a person is always dissatisfied with the result.

Perfectionism with inflated standards leads to worse results and loss of motivation.

2) The second type of perfectionism is other-oriented perfectionism. It is expressed in inflated demands on others, when you believe that everyone must meet your standards.

While self-oriented perfectionism leads to depression, type 2 perfectionism leads to anger and irritation because you constantly notice other people's mistakes. Of course, this affects relationships.

Question from a viewer: Can perfectionism directed at others exist without perfectionism directed at oneself?

Most likely, if there are demands on others, there are demands on oneself, but in different people they manifest themselves in different ways: some have more demands on themselves, others on others.

3) Socially prescribed perfectionism is also a requirement for yourself, only it seems to you that other people expect something significant from you, and you must meet their requirements, not your own. This is often true when you cannot get a position if you do not meet the requirements (for example, in appearance).

It happens that parents’ demands are too high, and children raised in such families are constantly inclined to think that they “fall short.” Such perfectionists are also prone to depression.

4) The last type is existential perfectionism. He is also close to other-oriented perfectionism, but here the demands are not on people, but on life itself. This is the feeling that life should be right and good. The world must be fair.

This results in irritated criticism of everything around you: “Why are people not like this? Why is the world not like this? This is the basis for constant frustration. Paradox: the more comfortable life becomes, the more demands there are on it.

Question from a viewer: Existential perfectionism and other-oriented perfectionism are just boring and quarrelsome!

Both tediousness and quarrelsome character are always explained by something. People have reasons to be the way they are. Self-oriented perfectionism results in depression, social phobia and severe mental disorders.

Other-oriented perfectionism results in irritation and guilt. Also, perfectionism can cause an eating disorder (eating disorder), since ideas about ideal bodies are imposed on us.

Question from a viewer: What are the origins of perfectionism?

Three main reasons: biological prerequisites (genes can predetermine character; children prone to perfectionism in the future are very susceptible to criticism), social and psychological reasons - we all grew up in an atmosphere of high demands. There is a constant improvement in standards. On the one hand, this is a natural development of society, on the other hand, standards become unattainable. It is very important to notice this in yourself, to notice when you want something unrealistic.

The perfectionist mindset is characterized by three things:

1. High level of requirements. 2. Attention is focused on errors and shortcomings. 3. High level of criticism and self-criticism.

Question from a viewer: A child will feel like an outcast if he doesn’t have something that others have.

No. It is normal for people to experience frustration. Our job when we raise children is not to give them everything they want. Because in this way we create in them an unrealistic vision of the world. This way we won't help them face future disappointments. Our task is to help the child see reality and cope with difficulties, to support him at this time.

How to evaluate standards?

1. Feasibility of standards: “Can this goal be achieved?” For example, in society it is customary to wash your hands; it is hygienic. This goal is achievable. 2. Benefit: “What do I gain from meeting the standards?” What do we gain from washing our hands or taking a shower every day? Socially acceptable appearance, lack of criticism from other people or wasted nerves on thoughts like: “Why are they looking at me? Now they will ask me: “When was the last time you washed?” 3. Cost: “What do I have to lose?” Washing your hands or taking a shower takes some time, but the price is completely justified by the benefits. 4. Flexibility: “Can I change the standards?” For example, it is impossible to shower every day while camping. You can change the standards and take wet wipes with you.

These are achievable standards. Impossible standards are the desire to be “super clean.” You can't wash yourself all the time without wanting bacteria to get on you. This is impossible. There is no benefit: you constantly think that you didn’t wash yourself well enough.

Signs and characteristics of a perfectionist man

Improving yourself is a great idea as long as it doesn’t affect others. Men who are perfectionists are demanding, caustic in their comments, and productive of malicious and unconstructive criticism.

At home

Adequately (!) - when there is a scandal because of unerased dust, improperly laid out books or plates, or because of a remaining stain on the wallpaper. If the form of perfectionism is healthy, normal, you will only get crooked smiles and dissatisfied grimaces for the listed “jambs”.

In case of severe pathology, the ingredients for soup are weighed on scales, napkins are measured with rulers and centimeters, in the middle of the night a perfectionist can spit on sleep and run to the bookshelf to arrange the volumes in an ideal line. There is no point in interfering; psychotherapy will be needed to cure this.

At work

As a boss, he finds fault with little things (there is an organizer at the other end of the table, the keyboard is located at the wrong angle in relation to the monitor), shouts and fires for the slightest offense (the number in the report is ugly corrected, the toilet seat is not raised, the table is a mess).

In a relationship

He is as demanding of half as he is of himself. If he irons his socks and arranges them in a checkerboard pattern, and makes his bed perfectly smooth in the morning, the same is expected of you. If you systematically violate the rules of a perfectionist, he will abandon you.

Signs and characteristics of a perfectionist woman

A cocktail of pathological striving for ideals and a tendency towards emotionality and sensitivity - what is the drink?

At home

He wipes, washes, scrubs - snow-white wallpaper, shiny baseboards, clean, like in an operating room. He lashes out at his family if they threaten the established order.

At work

Performs tasks pedantically and meticulously: ideal for working with papers, analytics, and statistics. As a boss, like a male perfectionist, she is unbearable.

In a relationship

Perfect if the partner matches her picture of relationships, family, love. When something (even a small thing) is out of schedule and the order established by her is violated, she will try to return it to the mainstream, and if she fails to achieve success, she will break the connection.

Perfectionism

Creation date: 02/28/2012 Update date: 01/13/2020

Perfectionism is the desire for an absolute ideal combined with the inability to give oneself the “right to make mistakes” even in small things. Moreover, with “mind and logic,” a perfectionist may seem to be perfectly aware that “real people make mistakes,” but some internal, unconscious voice will still tell him: “People make mistakes, and you have no right to this.” As a result, a person experiences frustration, becomes depressed, and becomes a slave to his perfectionism, but, as a rule, he cannot get rid of this condition on his own.

PERFECTIONISM [fr. perfectionnisme < perfection perfection, highest degree]. psychol. Formed by upbringing and environment, an individual’s excessive desire for perfection in actions, deeds, and behavior. A perfectionist is one who is characterized by p. | P. can be the cause of mental disorders due to the perfectionist’s conflict with the surrounding reality with its imperfections. Explanatory dictionary of foreign words

“By perfectionism, psychologists understand a heightened desire for perfection, which can relate both to one’s own personality (and in this case results in the endless cultivation of all kinds of virtues) and to the results of any activity. At the level of everyday common sense, it is often regarded as a valuable personal quality, since it is associated with setting positive, socially approved goals. According to many psychologists, perfectionism is not so much a virtue as a serious personal problem, as it leads to the formation of low self-esteem, high anxiety and generally has a negative impact on a person’s worldview and the results of his activities.” Great Psychological Encyclopedia

As follows from various definitions, perfectionism is a person’s desire for an absolute ideal combined with the inability to give himself the right to make mistakes even in small things. Such a person is unable to tolerate the slightest imperfection in the area of activity that is covered by perfectionism: and this can be work, creativity, love/family, raising children, and appearance... you never know the options, sometimes combined with each other. Moreover, with his mind and logic, a perfectionist may seem to be perfectly aware that living people make mistakes, but some internal, unconscious voice will still tell him: “People make mistakes, and you have no right to this.” As a result, a person experiences frustration, becomes depressed, and becomes a slave to his perfectionism, but, as a rule, he cannot get rid of this condition on his own. In principle, this is quite difficult, because the origins of perfectionism are in the unconscious area.

In the psychiatric understanding, perfectionism is a type of OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Those pictures that are circulating on the Internet under the name “Perfectionist’s Hell” - when all the tiles are smooth, and one in the middle is at an angle, and so on - rather refer to the “psychiatric variety” of this phenomenon. In this case, all human resources are aimed at achieving a certain ideal with a general reduced performance. But the specificity of this manifestation, firstly, is that such perfectionism manifests itself in one specific area; secondly, such a person usually demands “ideal” not so much from himself as from others; and thirdly, he himself is the main evaluator, deciding how far any particular action is from the “ideal”.

And in everyday understanding, the same thing happened with the term “perfectionism” as with many other concepts from the field of psychiatry, for example, with the same depression. The terms went among the people and began to mean something completely different from what they meant before. Yes, perfectionism is the desire for an ideal, and if you analyze the semantics of this word, then the ideal is related to the word “idea”, that is, something intangible. And for now it exists only in the head of its creator. An idealist is the antonym of the concept of “materialist”; idealism is life in some kind of abstraction. And by and large, an ideal is something that does not happen in real life. Not to mention that the concept of ideal can be different for everyone. And it is not always possible to guess what it will be like for the person who will make the final judgment on the result.

In understanding perfectionism, one false premise is often formed. Most believe that the perfectionist is convinced that an absolute ideal exists; but in fact, the perfectionist is convinced that an acceptable non-ideal does not exist. In other words, the quality of any business or thing can only be in two forms: either an ideal ideal, or... well, let's say “complete insignificance.” And everything that is not ideal is a complete insignificance for a perfectionist. If a perfectionist invented a refrigerator, he would not rest until the temperature in the refrigerator reached absolute zero. And if a perfectionist made boots, he would spend his whole life bringing only one pair of boots to absolutely perfect quality, and all his clients would still walk barefoot.

The second feature of a perfectionist is that he is most often internally convinced of the truth of his binary perception of “ideal - insignificance”: he does not have any thoughts competing with this position. Or all intermediate options are swept aside under far-fetched pretexts: “this is unworthy,” “this is the lot of lazy people,” and the like.

What’s curious is that a perfectionist often suffers from real delusions of grandeur: “I must be perfect!” More precisely - “I should not be imperfect.” As a matter of fact, one of the problems of a perfectionist is a pronounced dissonance between internal self-esteem and its real embodiment: on the one hand, a perfectionist is convinced that he is able to do everything better than everyone else and never make mistakes, and on the other hand, he faces problems all his life. the fact that his conviction in this is not confirmed in reality. In other words, a perfectionist, deep down in his soul, rarely doubts that he is capable of doing something better than anyone, looking the best, etc.: all he has to do is finally convince others of this.

“The site Perfectionist.Ru is still under development.” Joke

If we analyze the history of the emergence of “everyday perfectionism”, or “quasi-perfectionism”, or “false perfectionism” - you can choose the option according to your taste - then its roots, oddly enough, most likely go back to the Protestant branch of Christianity, and in Russia - to the so-called Old Believers. What is characteristic of these societies?

First of all, the agricultural structure, brought to the absolute. Then - a mega-family, uniting several separate family branches into a single clan. Thirdly, the northern climate, which is little conducive to agriculture and survival in general, but provokes clan unification for “joint struggle against natural conditions.” Thus, a certain internal ideology is gradually formed: “Be content with little, work as much as possible.” Formally, this is ensuring survival for the entire society, for the entire mega-family. Moreover, as they say, “God is high, the king is far away, and the head of the clan is both king and god to everyone.”

The following follows from the “work as much as possible” attitude: “Never sit idle, there is always work in the house.” The concept of rest in such systems practically does not exist; rest is considered a change in activity. And the most important thing is that the internal hierarchy at the “bottom” of the system is built according to the quantity and quality of work accepted by the clan leader. The main evaluator of “whether it’s done well” is in this case the head of the megafamily, whose word is the truth. And a way to indicate that a subordinate did not work much in any case is the principle “Do not accept work based on quality.” Because if you want, there is always something to complain about: so that the performer in no way rests on his laurels, but continues to “smooth out his crookedness” for the benefit of the mega-family.

And besides, in systems with a hierarchical social structure, not a single leader can live in peace. After all, it’s not for nothing that this device is compared to a ladder: on the steps below there are always those who also intend to climb up, often by pushing and pulling up those above them. Therefore, some managers, concerned not so much with the quality and quantity of activity as with their own hierarchical position, develop a system of a priori humiliation of a subordinate by lowering the grade for his work, even if there is no real reason for such a reduction. But again, we can always say that the work “falls short of the ideal,” which exists only in the boss’s head and may not be fixed. And the fact that the ideal is unattainable is sometimes carefully hidden. Because we need that carrot that will be dangled in front of a person’s nose.

In general, as we know from the same fairy tales, the best way to give a subordinate a obviously impossible request is to send him “there, I don’t know where, to bring something, I don’t know what.” That is, no matter where he goes as a result and no matter what he brings, in the opinion of the external appraiser it will always be “not this or that,” if the appraiser in reality is not worried about the performance of the work, but about his hierarchical position.

One of the common sayings about daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is right on topic:

- Daughter-in-law! Isn't that how you cook cabbage soup? - How should I do it? - I don’t know how, but not like that!

But those who try to bring the work of their subordinates closer to the ideal forget one important thing: those who strive for the ideal (or who are forced to do so) will end up doing nothing useful at all. Because one day he will understand that it is impossible to please his customer. And do something, don’t do it, you’ll still get a reprimand and humiliation, but given equal final conditions, it’s easier not to do it. Or another option: a person would be happy to do it, but is literally afraid of “not doing it perfectly.” And here we remember that both hierarchical thinking and evaluative dependence are based on a binary approach: everything that is not rated excellent is considered bad.

And unlike the impostor syndrome, in which “you are initially a nobody, especially until you have found your Real Place,” everyday perfectionism is disguised as stroking “You’re great, you strive for the ideal! But here and here again I fell short: well, go ahead and strive further!” That is, a performer is designated “good” as long as he strives for the impossible, for excellent grades, and in everything (as opposed to psychiatric perfectionism). Because he has formed an experimental belief with evaluative dependence: he is praised for excellent achievements, but for non-excellent ones (read - bad, worthless!) - he is scolded and beaten. And given its sensitivity (since evaluative dependence is most often formed among carriers of the psychasthenic radical), this beating is perceived extremely painfully. And a person is ready to do anything so as not to be scolded.

Perfectionism is most often included in the so-called parental scenario: in cases where a parent wants to be considered “the best father/mother” in society, but only on the basis that “my child does everything better than anyone else in society.” He develops best of all, dresses best of all, reads poems best of all in kindergarten (and when the child is not given rhymes or is not given long enough, you need to go to the teacher “to find out what’s wrong with the child, he’s so capable!”) Thus, It turns out that perfectionist children are most often raised by perfectionist parents.

The parent of the future perfectionist, step by step, convinces his child that he is “the very best,” but in connection with this, the parent’s demands on him will be increased: “Petya can study for C grades, but you can’t!” “Masha can draw a crooked Christmas tree, but you can’t!” “It’s others who can fail in college, but you can’t!” Because you are capable of more, but precisely because of this, firstly, you are completely deprived of the right to make mistakes even at the learning stage, and secondly, you will constantly be forced to face reality with its actual unattainability of absolute ideals.

Another way to make a perfectionist is the phrase “You will get what you ask for, but only if you are a good boy (girl).” But alas, the “goodness” of a boy or girl is determined by the parent, and if he has a conscious or unconscious goal for some reason to refuse the child’s request, then he will never be good. Firstly, the criteria for goodness will be as vague as possible, unattainable and inconsistent; and secondly, even for a priori good deeds, the child will never receive praise: only complaints. Because there is no such thing as a perfectly executed job.

Parental influence often dresses up in decent clothes: “Who will tell you the truth if not the person closest to you.” But firstly, there is no common truth for everyone, and secondly, even unpleasant things can be said in different ways. It’s one thing - “It seems to me that this blouse doesn’t go well with this skirt, maybe you can try this one?”, and another thing - “This blouse doesn’t go with this skirt, well, you’re stupid, you can’t even dress properly!”

And the leitmotif of parental comments in the case of the formation of a perfectionist is “You are so capable that you have no right to live without striving for perfection! You literally have to do everything better than everyone else! You are special and should do everything in a special way!”

Sometimes you can notice one thing that if a future perfectionist had realized in time, he would not have become a perfectionist: no matter how wonderfully he strives to do something, his external evaluator will always be dissatisfied with at least something. Because, as a rule, he has not only his own ideal, but also his own goal: “I don’t need the wood to be chopped, I need you to get sick of it.” Thus, even if the required thing is done without a hitch, the external appraiser will still find at least one hitch. Even from a taste standpoint. The grade is excellent - but the notebook is dirty, the notebook is clean - but the pants are wrinkled, the pants are ironed - but yesterday I didn’t help my mother... In general, as they say, “you can’t please the living.” But most often this is the ultimate goal of the “expertise”: to show that everything is not perfect again, keep working hard, my friend. And don’t even think about being proud of your intermediate achievements and praising yourself for them: they are not ideal, which means they are no good.

Yes, which is significant: quite often the everyday perfectionist has long integrated such an appraiser into his personality, into his own Parental subpersonality (according to E. Bern). Once upon a time, he most likely had a real mother or grandmother, or another significant adult who constantly showed him that “you are not perfect again, try harder!” And over time, this external Parent contaminates (contaminates, infects) the internal Parent, that is, such an irreconcilable evaluator settles inside the person himself. And a person always carries this expert with him, no matter how far he is now from his long-time mother or grandmother.

How to recognize a perfectionist? He wants to do everything flawlessly or not do it at all. He can't stand it when he does something worse than others. He demands perfection from those around him. He believes that asking for help is a sign of weakness. He noticed an error in the title of this list. From the network

Alas, in many societies - and in ours in particular - everyday perfectionism quite often has a positive connotation. “A person strives to do everything as best as possible!” Sometimes it is even customary to be proud of him. To a large extent, this pride is fueled by those leaders who wear their hierarchical shirt closer to their bodies and who provoke a perfectionistic approach in their subordinates, since this provides unlimited opportunities for manipulation and humiliation. But those for whom activity is more important than hierarchy usually prefer not to hire perfectionists. In the same way, they are often not liked in the work team. At a minimum, because a perfectionist tends to delay the deadline for submitting his part of the work until the last minute, or even does not submit anything at all, because he “didn’t do it perfectly.” A perfectionist really cannot complete a single task properly, since, for example, if you ask him to “saw off a block 1 meter long,” he will achieve maximum accuracy (one milliangstrom or less), and no device that can can be measured, and a tool that can be used to saw.

Theoretically, everyday perfectionism in the situation of “do what is impossible in reality” is a banal situation of neurosis, when internal censorship comes into conflict with the unconscious. So those who proudly declare themselves “I am a perfectionist” are, at best, actually saying “I am neurotic”!

And the concept of “healthy perfectionism” is the same as “healthy neurosis”. A perfectionist differs from someone who “did well, but sees that he can do even better” by one serious fact: if the latter gives away what he did well, then the perfectionist does not. He breaks what he did well (and not perfectly or perfectly), so to speak, over his knee and throws it away. So that no one sees what he did “imperfectly”. The world will never see good enough - but not flawless - his products, whether material or creative, it doesn’t matter.

By the way, it can be noted that a perfectionist, as a rule, especially at first, strives not for his own ideal, but for the ideal of an external evaluator. And here the task becomes completely insoluble: not only is it much more difficult to achieve someone else’s understanding of the ideal than your own, but also an external evaluator - remember? – not so much interested in perfect execution as in still clinging to something. Even if this external evaluator is already inside the person himself: he still does not give this person any right to make a mistake, even the most trifling one. By the way, one of the synonyms for the word “ideal” is the word “impeccable”. That is, when there is nothing to reproach for. And again, if you want, you can always find it - for what.

In the case of perfectionism, we especially clearly see that very “double-edged sword of self-esteem”, when a person either feels obligated to be ideal, almost a god, then his self-esteem plummets to an all-time low - because he was once again unable to become ideal . But he again does not see or perceive the middle.

A perfectionist, accustomed to criticism from an external evaluator as an a priori means of humiliation, unconsciously perceives any critical remark as an attempt to humiliate him. On an emotional level, he cannot separate constructive from non-constructive criticism: and he strains at everything at once, dismissing useful comments that allow him to grow professionally and creatively. Yes, with such a person, as a rule, it is extremely difficult to collaborate, co-author, etc., but again, this is not his fault, but his misfortune.

We can say that a perfectionist wants everything at once. From the outside it looks quite funny, like the excuse “I won’t do such and such a thing because I will never do it as well as that professional over there.” Yes, one can understand with one’s mind that it won’t work out just as well right away, that the path of any professional is strewn with failures, his experience is “the son of difficult mistakes,” but a perfectionist with his fear of “doing it imperfectly, which means absolutely bad” is deprived of the opportunity to achieve such experience, and in essence - the opportunity to learn by making mistakes during learning: we remember that he (or rather, his inner Parent) does not give himself the right to make mistakes. And if the one who does nothing makes no mistakes, then he, accordingly, does nothing.

In hell for perfectionists there is neither brimstone nor fire, but only chipped cauldrons standing slightly asymmetrically From the network

In the treatment of perfectionism, sound skepticism and logic are extremely important. For example, someone says to a perfectionist who got a “B” instead of an “A” in childhood: “A “F” is not a grade!” And here it is important to be able to ask the question: why not an assessment? It is displayed by the teacher, entered into the journal, it means good. Yes, not great, but good. “You must / must do everything perfectly!” - Why? Who do you owe? How did this debt arise? Where's your IOU? And most importantly, how realistic is it for a living person to do everything perfectly, especially if he himself does not feel personal motivation for this, but someone from the outside obliges him to do this?

Any instruction contains such a concept as “tolerances and fits.” The higher the accuracy class of the product, the smaller these tolerances are, but they still exist: moreover, increasing the accuracy class, that is, reducing the tolerance run-up, sometimes requires disproportionate costs, therefore, in each specific case, how important is it to do everything without tolerances at all? And the most reasonable thing is when a person sets these tolerances for himself. Let's say: I must complete this work in such and such a time frame with such and such acceptable quality. Not ideal, but acceptable. Who determines acceptable quality? Me and my customer (not the appraiser, but the customer, if there is one: and if not, then you yourself are such a customer. That is, you determine, first of all, those same quality tolerances).

However, the problem is that not every person can set tolerances for himself and determine precisely from the standpoint of forecast and analysis when and where something will be sufficient. Once on the Internet I came across the following comparison: jerboas that live in the desert get used to getting water drop by drop from a variety of sources. But if you put a bowl of water in front of them, they will not understand what to do with it. They don't know how to use a bowl. They never saw her.

This is approximately the same thing that happens to a person with evaluative dependence: he has not yet learned to form his own criteria, he does not know what the “right to make a mistake” is, he is not able to formulate his goals and objectives: because he has been trained since childhood, firstly, focus exclusively on an external evaluator, and secondly, subordinate your entire life to these external evaluations. In part because he was once intimidated by his potential independence: “You can’t do anything without us!”

And, therefore, if your everyday perfectionism personally bothers you, then psychotherapeutic work with it begins with analysis and elaboration of its basis: that evaluative dependence that makes a person strive to do perfectly, because the internal evaluator tells him: “Everything that is not ideal is Badly". By the way, in Russian there is no word “strived.” I have achieved it, I have reached it, but it turns out that striving (including for an ideal, which does not exist) cannot end (with achieving the goal). You can only stop it as a repair.

Should one consider one’s own desire to improve further, supposedly not for an external or internal evaluator, to be considered perfectionism? Including the desire to learn something new and/or climb higher on various steps. When you say to yourself: “Here I’m great and this quality is enough, but I can and want higher, better, further, more difficult!” At first glance, this is not perfectionism, but at second glance, the nature of the motivation for this desire is extremely important. If it comes from the inner Child - “I want to see what’s next! I’ve never poked that thing with a stick before! I want to try to see if I can jump over that bar over there?” - this is a natural pleasure and drive for life (especially when your inner Adult is looking after the Child’s walk and keeps him from experiments like “Can I jump over a five-story building”). And if the Parent is the motivating subpersonality – “you can do more! you have to do better! you need higher!” - and without explaining who owes it and who needs it - then this is much more like a perfectionist attitude.

Imagine that the Child and the Parent came somewhere for lunch - say, in a hotel - where a buffet was served. And that’s when the Child himself determines what and in what order he will eat, and how much - “first I want that sausage over there!” A piece... another piece... more... no, I don’t want this sausage anymore, now I want that cheese... another piece... more... no, I need to leave some room; Now I want that meat! Two pieces! No, I don’t want three, because I want another cake... this one... and this one... no, these two will be too much, because I want to drink more juice, two glasses, no, not three, but two, three won’t fit” - this is pleasure and drive for life, especially under the supervision of an Adult. And when a Parent says to a Child, “until you eat EVERYTHING here, you won’t leave here” – this already smells very much of perfectionism.

Counseling therapy is useful for a perfectionist when he himself is ready to logically perceive the real picture of his situation: including admitting to himself that he is not at all ideal and is not a standard, and has the right to make mistakes, like an ordinary living person. In the case of perfectionism, this is the most difficult and painful thing for the client: when he has to realize that he is an ordinary living person. Many who come with an order like “help me achieve the absolute ideal” have great difficulty accepting the new alignment in their situation. And in general, the order “to work with perfectionism” rarely happens independently: most often it pops up in the process of work among other other orders.

But perfectionism in any form, as mentioned above, is always destructive: it does not allow a person to learn and move forward, and it is not for nothing that the Russian proverb says that “the best is the enemy of the good.”
And a person who has the word “enough” in his vocabulary (in terms of “I did it well enough in this particular case”) is not a perfectionist. By the way, sometimes it is useful to create the appearance of perfectionism: for example, when you are asked to do something under obviously inadequate conditions (for example, to give an interview without preparation), you can say: “I either do it well or I don’t do it at all.” This, as you remember, has positive connotations in society - and in fact is one of the options to politely say “no” if the conditions of a particular task do not suit you. Orders from the “Electronic Doctor” that are most relevant to the article: I want to live without complexes I want to find out the reasons for complexes I want to know the reasons for complexes I want to know my complexes I want to get rid of complexes I want to learn how to attract attention I want to free myself from complexes I want to stop having complexes I want to allow myself I want to allow myself to be adequate Topics: shyness, excellent student complex, complexes, contamination by external censorship, perfectionism.
© Naritsyn Nikolai Nikolaevich psychotherapist, psychoanalyst © Naritsyn Marina psychologist, psychoanalyst, Moscow

What is perfectionism and what are its manifestations in society?

An ideal example of social perfectionism is Yevgeny Zamyatin’s dystopia “We.” A totalitarian state, complete control of activities and life (including sexual contacts), a set daily routine, a strictly limited number of hours for “free” leisure.

Such a society is represented by a clock - a perfectly calibrated mechanism operating on the basis of a perpetual motion machine (watch the video on the Internet). Apparently, this is why society is falling apart - the engine has not been created.

I am a Perfectionist, what to do, how to live with it?

Do nothing if the form of perfectionism is healthy: you want to work for pleasure and to achieve high results, you know how to stop if you understand that the matter is losing, you don’t quit halfway if you know that a reward awaits you in the end. This is healthy self-criticism.

Remember: perfection is hardly achievable, so be able to limit perfectionist tendencies without leading them to the point of absurdity. Jumping over tile joints is a fun game for a child, but a psychological disorder for an adult.

Feeling that the desire for ideal is pressing, stop: set short-term goals (they are easier to achieve), remember what has already been done (will give confidence), redirect some of the work to colleagues/family/friends (learn to trust people).

From perfectionism to indifference and back

Those who constantly strive to choose, achieve, do the best will never actually be satisfied with the result they receive.

“...Having achieved a goal, a perfectionist immediately devalues it and may even regard it as a failure. Perfectionism is the basis for the development of a number of depressive and anxiety conditions, personality disorders, eating disorders, and various types of addictions, writes psychotherapist Natalya Stilson in her blog. “Pathological perfectionism is not only the desire for perfection, but also the fear of imperfection and the belief that perfection is the only source of value in one’s life.”

The object of perfectionism, on the one hand, gives a person strength and energy, and on the other, takes power over him.

The desire to always and in everything be the best, which ambitious parents try to instill in their children, is extremely dangerous. Trying to raise child prodigies and champions, parents risk that their children will become champions, including through misfortune...

The opposite of the perfectionist “philosophy”, according to which a person lives in anticipation of future achievements, not caring, characterizes a person who lives in the current moment, without drawing conclusions from the past and without caring about the future.

The collective image of the urban pathological indifference is Masyanya. It’s funny to watch her adventures, but it’s scary to build close relationships: “Masyanya”, as a rule, do not take on any responsibility. Ultimately, the strategy of extreme indifference leads to the fact that you don’t give a damn about those around you...

Indifference fits into the Russian “string bag”: “at random” - this means “somehow, without a particular purpose.” There is no value for your time, your purpose, or ultimately yourself. Life is like semolina porridge. Everyday Russian indifference towards oneself leads, among other things, to the fact that Russia is in 129th place in terms of life expectancy. Russians don’t care about their health, and their health doesn’t care that you’re Russian.

The key word in deciding who and when to be, a perfectionist or a don’t care, is adaptability. It would be nice to have an adjustable level of indifference-perfectionism, so that you can choose the optimal one for solving the specific task facing you at the moment.

It's possible. To do this, at a minimum, you need to “monitor” your state: reflect and understand what you feel in your soul, in your body - where exactly, with what, with whom and what event it is connected with. By transferring unconscious feelings and physiological reactions to the level of consciousness, you can be able to manage them and make a choice in favor of more or less indifference and perfectionism. It’s good to be an adequate, dynamic realist: don’t get stuck in extremes and choose the level of your indifference-perfectionism that corresponds to each situation.

You can reach unprecedented heights, but with your perfectionism you can drive yourself into an early grave.

The founder of Apple, the brilliant Steve Jobs, refused an operation that could save his life for more than nine months after he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Instead, he continued to follow a strict vegetarian diet and received acupuncture.

He was used to relying on himself and, apparently, believed that doctors do not understand medicine, but he, Steve Jobs, who made the best computers in the world, understands everything...

At the moment when a perfectionist considers himself a deity, he considers himself absolutely right in everything and does not listen to the opinions of experts.

Pros of healthy not giving a fuck:

Fewer obstacles are visible and the obstacles are of lower height, so there is less risk, anxiety and fear.

The principle of “don’t get nervous over trifles” allows you not to waste extra nervous energy. A person who doesn't give a damn is in a more peaceful state and avoids mistakes that he would make if he was under stress.

The development of a guilt complex is unlikely.

Immediate satisfaction from the activity.

Cons of not giving a damn:

Lack of planning.

The inability to build long-term interpersonal relationships with people who don’t care, including close ones.

By devaluing what is happening, the person who doesn’t care devalues himself.

Lack of aspirations and achievements.

The inevitable price to pay for “immediate” pleasures.

Pros of adequate perfectionism:

As a rule, perfectionists have high social and creative achievements.

A perfectionist relies on his own strength.

Achieving high results, no mistakes. A perfectionist will do the work entrusted to him well.

The possibility of greater systematicity and planning in activities.

Disadvantages of perfectionism:

Dissatisfaction with the results. Perfectionists can always find disadvantages in any achievement.

“Inflation” – more and more success is required to achieve pleasure.

The emergence of anxiety and neuroticism, often as a consequence of dependence on external assessments.

The main motive of a perfectionist is often not so much satisfaction from his activities as the fear of mistakes and failure, the fear of remaining imperfect.

Assessing oneself either as a deity or as a nonentity - depending on whether the goal is achieved or not.

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