Romance at work: rules of behavior, pros and cons of relationships, consequences

• August 31, 2018
• Psychology of relationships
• Kira Ifeevskaya

All ages are submissive to love and Cupid's pranks are absolutely unpredictable. After all, love often arises as if by itself, and just as suddenly leaves. The object of love is chosen not by the mind, but by the heart, and emotional impulses are not always rational. Very often you can observe a picture when a person fell in love not with someone with whom he can be happy, but with someone completely different, from whom he receives a lot of suffering.

But we cannot predict how relationships will develop in the future. And we cannot stop loving our chosen one, even understanding the futility of this event. The mind orders the relationship to end, but the heart reaches out to the beloved. Love affairs are especially difficult when they arose and develop in front of colleagues. Described more than once in literature, an office romance at work does not lose its relevance and continues to push people into love triangles, and sometimes polygons.

An affair with a married man

Even when both participants clearly understand that their actions are wrong and the consequences can be very negative, the love attraction turns out to be stronger, and reason almost always wins. As a rule, an affair at work with a married man is very dangerous for a woman. For he drags her into the whirlpool of a love relationship with a person with whom they can never be together.

And what does a woman get other than delightful moments of secret love? Lonely evenings and nights, vacations and holidays. The impossibility of building a new relationship, because her heart belongs to someone else. Feelings of guilt in front of the chosen one’s family, especially in front of the children, whom you will have to deal with from time to time. In addition, there will be gossip among colleagues, because at work these relationships cannot be hidden.

You can fall in love, but this is fraught with a broken heart

Sergey, 28 years old, top manager

“I liked Rita for a long time and, thanks to the corporate event, I managed to get close to her. We started a relationship. But then something went wrong. She started avoiding me. At work, in front of the team, she asked me to communicate with her as before. In general, don’t allow yourself too much. She didn’t answer my frequent calls, and one day she sent a text message: “Leave me alone. We will not be together". I could no longer work normally. I began to have a mania, it seemed that Rita was flirting with all the men around me to spite me. In general, I quit, or rather, I simply stopped going to work.”

Work days. Romance with a colleague

Such a common love affair at work is fraught with a lot of negativity and difficult everyday situations that lead to worries and depression. This is probably the most difficult type of love relationship, very confusing and full of tragedy, despite the possession of a loved one and the happiness given to him to love and be loved. How do office romances arise, and why does a free, attractive woman deliberately close all roads to happiness for herself by pursuing a relationship with a married man?

As a rule, the work environment contributes to the emergence of non-work interpersonal relationships, especially if the atmosphere in the team is healthy and favorable for the manifestation of sympathy of one sex for the other. Working together on complex projects, emergency work on weekends, when the office spirit is less felt and you can relax a little, cross the line of only business communication, adding a little personal - all this cannot pass without consequences. And a love affair at work will certainly begin.

And if we add to this corporate parties on various occasions and joint trips to nature, when in an informal setting people begin to behave more relaxed and freely, then it becomes clear that one cannot do without a romantic story in a close and united team of like-minded people - as they say, a classic of the genre .

You will be beaten, humiliated and persecuted

Evgeniy, 30 years old, teacher

“Once I decided to have an affair with my boss after finding out that she liked me. Then I had no idea that a passing hobby could turn into real hell for me. I ended this story unilaterally without announcing any reasons. But she continued to behave as if nothing had happened. She behaved in such a way that I was burning with shame. Then the persecution began: calls, SMS, etc. Problems began at work. Instead of a bonus, I began to receive fines, insults, hysterics, and even slight bruises from objects flying at me. Six months later it became a little easier, her passion was replaced by coldness. In the end, I still had to change jobs.”

Why do such novels begin?

As a result of relationships within the work team, relationships that are somewhat different than just friendly ones develop between a man and a woman. And showing sympathy only contributes to the emergence of a more ardent feeling.

All this is so familiar to us, because almost everyone has had to observe the development of such romantic relationships between colleagues, or even be a participant in these events from one side or another. According to statistics, literally every third person had an off-duty romance at work and experienced tender feelings for his co-worker. And this is no coincidence. After all, office romances are promoted by a number of different circumstances:

1. An ordinary person spends much more time at work than at home. According to statistics, this time, together with the lunch break and trips to and from work, makes up about 40 percent of the daily requirement, 30 percent is allocated to sleep and rest, the rest is spent on family and miscellaneous activities. For this reason, many are already beginning to consider work as their home, and colleagues as close people. If you still have a career goal, then there is practically no time left for your personal life. And if at work there is an object worthy of attention, then sooner or later a stormy romance will happen at work with a colleague, because there is simply no other place for personal relationships.
2. Most often, at work, people are united by common interests and a common goal that everyone strives to achieve. In the course of joint work and the exchange of professional opinions, a certain solid foundation is laid on which personal relationships are built. For a married man, it is interesting to have an affair with a girl at work, since she understands him and accepts him for who he is, being a mistress, and knowing about his attachment to his family, does not put forward any exorbitant demands, and always gets into the situation . You can share work moments with such a woman and receive full support, and, finally, he is simply flattered that the choice fell on him.
3. Sometimes the reason that an affair happened at work may simply be boredom, a steady lull on the love front. A man can be disappointed with his family life, his wife’s appearance and her attitude towards him, while a girl, even in pursuit of a career, always remains a romantic person and falls in love simply because the time has come and her heart is still free. Thus, simple sympathy shown to a colleague or colleague, as well as light, unpretentious flirting, falls on very fertile soil and results in stories worse than winter cherries.

Consequences of relationships at work

The most pleasant continuation of such relations, without a doubt, will be their legalization. This outcome is most likely if both parties are free.

If the relationship was secret, then the likelihood that a married colleague will decide to leave his spouse is, most often, negligible. In this case, it is important not to make the relationship public, and then to separate peacefully.

Of the negative consequences, the most common is discussion of the couple by others, even to the point of inventing fables.

If the connection was with the boss, then the boss may be accused of exceeding official authority, and his subordinate of mercantile calculation. This option sometimes becomes the reason for transfer or dismissal from work.

Of course, getting involved with a colleague will not be without consequences. It is not always within our power to make them pleasant or painless, but we must try to minimize the risks.

What are the positives of office romance?

If you evaluate an affair at work with a married man completely impartially, you can find some positive aspects:

• In a work environment, there are many opportunities to take a closer look at your chosen one, see him in various situations, better understand his character and preferences, so in the case of an office romance, the risk of running into an outright boor or scammer is minimal.
• When an office romance occurs, relationships at work help bring the couple closer together thanks to common interests and topics that can be discussed endlessly and become even closer to each other.
• Forbidden relationships, which have to be kept deeply secret from colleagues, give a special charm and poignancy to the relationship, and have an incredibly exciting and extremely attractive effect on lovers.
• If you are in the midst of an affair at work with a married gentleman, then the possibility of betrayal for him is almost zero. For at work he is under your supervision all day, and at home he comes under the sensitive guidance of his wife. But this is only if you are not jealous of your wife.
• Your man spends most of his time with you, while dealing with work issues, so you won’t have to complain about the lack of attention.
• Despite the fact that from a moral point of view you are making a big mistake by starting an affair at work with a married man, love always brings great positivity and is a surprisingly good incentive to achieve new heights. According to American sociologists, office romances stimulate work feats and significantly improve work performance.
• Work ceases to be a boring, routine place where you are forced to go every day, overcoming yourself. Now, when a meeting with your loved one awaits you at work, it becomes the most beautiful place on earth and you no longer rush home at the end of the working day, prolonging and delaying it in every possible way.
• If a woman has an affair with a man at work, she is always fresh and positive, looks good, and carefully monitors her figure and clothes.

But despite all these positives, office romances with married men are very difficult for their fighting friends and often become the point of no return when you can no longer give up your existing relationship and take your love in a different direction with another man. Even if he is absolutely ideal and unrealistically beautiful, the woman, due to her romanticism, will return to her failed relationship, which gave her so much love and warmth.

Tips for maintaining and preserving love

In order for your couple to be always together and nearby, several conditions must be met:

• do not advertise your relationship; it will be better if none of your colleagues know about your affair. You should reveal your secret only when you understand that it is really serious and the relationship has a future.
• Do not mix work and personal life; you should immediately determine that problems at work should not affect your personal life and remain within the office walls, and vice versa with your personal life.
• If there are conflicts at work that affect your intimate life and relationships, then it is better for someone to change jobs. This should be done by someone who has a lower salary and is more likely to find a new job.
• It is necessary to find common interests outside of work. In order not to quickly get bored of each other, you need to find activities outside of working hours that both partners will enjoy, this will be more successful in a long-term relationship.

Negative points

There are a lot of negative things about work love relationships, namely:

• Constant control from your boyfriend can quickly get boring, especially if your man is too jealous and unrestrained;
• love relationships at work can harm professional achievements, constantly distracting you from worries and demonstrating tender feelings to your loved one;
• if your chosen one is also your boss, he may become suspicious of your greed and this will seriously damage the relationship;
• when a relationship breaks down, seeing your loved one every day will become a real torment;
• Usually work colleagues are very sensitive to such situations and your relationship will not be a secret to them. Someone will support you, someone will condemn you, and there will probably be kind people who will want to open the eyes of your deceived spouse to your relationship. Are you ready for a response from your sweetheart's wife?

You may have problems with your boss

Alexander, 33 years old, bartender

“I got to know Vika closely two weeks after she joined our company. I was young and carefree. We started dating. Our meetings in bars and restaurants demanded continuation. Vicky had the keys to the director's office. We spent the night there a couple of times. But one day the director came to work early. Entering the office, the first thing he saw was my back and Vika’s face... Burning with shame, we left the crime scene. He fired us both without hesitation. After my dismissal, I stopped dating Vika. The work was good and close to home, but because of Vicky I was fired.”

What could be the consequences of such an affair?

When entering into an informal relationship with a work colleague, few people think about the consequences that will inevitably come and will not bring joy. As a rule, all office romances end sooner or later and not always calmly and peacefully, more often with scandals and troubles. If a man has an affair with a woman at work, then she will be the subject of discussion among colleagues and their condemnation, especially if her lover is their common boss. The charming woman will certainly be accused of seducing her boss with far-reaching professional intentions.

Most often, in such scandalous cases, the unlucky boss will be accused of taking advantage of his official position, and his subordinate in love will most likely be fired so that there is no temptation to continue the love story again. Sometimes, if it is within his power and capabilities, a man can help his girlfriend move up the career ladder, but she has already ruined her business reputation irrevocably. In addition, even at a new job it will not be possible to avoid gossip and rumors, especially if you continue to work in the same field.

At all times, office romances have been a heavy burden, a kind of suitcase without a handle - it’s hard to carry and it’s a pity to throw it away. Its consequences are always sad - even if you get a new position, you will still lose your loved one. If a man during your romance did not decide to leave his family and connect his fate with you, then rest assured that he will not do this in the future. And even if he does such a brave act for your sake, won’t he later reproach him for the fact that you incited him to break with his family?

If you are not ready for such prospects, it is better to nip your romance in the bud. Well, if a romance at work is in full swing now, what should you do so as not to attract unnecessary attention to yourself? To achieve this, there are a number of rules that must be observed in the case of non-official relationships.

You may lose your job

Georgiy, 30 years old, entrepreneur

“At that time I had big problems with my wife. I worked at a hotel, where I met Nastya. A passionate but short-lived romance began. My feelings quickly cooled down. I wanted to return to my family. My wife didn’t mind, she also missed me, calmed down, and forgave. When I said that I was leaving, Nastya began to have hysterics, blackmail and scandals. It became impossible to work. She turned the entire team against me. My wife set the condition that she would take me back if I no longer saw Nastya. In general, I quit..."

Rules of corporate ethics in case of office romance

If you consciously choose a loving relationship instead of an exclusively friendly one, you should remember the following rules of behavior in a team:

• Never advertise your special relationship with your boss or just a colleague, because many of those around you may not like such close ties with a married man, they will no longer trust you, and all your previous achievements will be attributed to your ability to deftly use office romances. Your affair may cost both of you your careers, because people without discreditable connections have always been more willingly promoted to high positions.
• Realizing that your relationship has no future, discuss its end at the very beginning of the novel, how long you will be together and where your paths will diverge.
• Do not show your special affection for the subject of your passion in the office, do without signs of attention that shock the public, behave evenly and calmly.
• If you have sex with your boss, do not under any circumstances demonstrate familiarity and permissiveness - this fact may not mean anything to him, and if it does mean today, then tomorrow it may become an ordinary insignificant episode in life - do not put yourself in a funny position.

Relationship between employee and boss6

It’s worth imagining the situation: a young girl and a middle-aged boss (usually married). Basically, employees start relationships with management in the hope of a promotion or increase in salary. Many men understand this and simply begin a mutually beneficial romance. Such relationships may well exist in secret and bring pleasure to both partners.

It’s much worse if a subordinate falls in love with her boss, and he follows her lead. As soon as the relationship ends, the girl will begin to threaten, terrorize and take revenge on her former lover in every possible way. She can tell her wife (if she has one) about the affair, dishonest to her employees and senior management.

Recommendations

What to do if you are already deep into this relationship? The main thing you shouldn’t do is panic. In the end, the outcome of any office romance depends on those who gave birth to it. Just calmly try to analyze the situation and understand whether you value momentary pleasure so much as to put an end to your future life and career. Think about why you need this and what is your ultimate goal of this relationship. Take a good look at your partner - whether he really is the limit of your desires and how promising he is in terms of marriage.

How to find out the truth and get rid of doubts?

If you are constantly haunted by the thought that your husband or wife is cheating on you at work, you need to take action. Sometimes it is enough to ask directly: is there a place for betrayal in your union? Maybe the marriage has been cracking at the seams for a long time, and an affair on the side is a logical consequence of family problems? When nothing preceded the deception, the traitor may hesitate, get confused, or simply get nervous, realizing that you want to convict him of something. It is possible that after such a conversation there will be even more suspicion, but it also happens that the spouse himself admits to the crime.

Another method, more hidden and effective, is surveillance. You can organize it yourself, ask a friend or hire a private detective. A personal phone or computer is a real treasure trove of incriminating evidence. Intimate correspondence, a photo or a message to a friend with delight about a new boyfriend can completely reveal the fact that a wife is cheating on her husband at work. If financial resources allow, you can install a hidden camera at home, put a voice recorder under the car seat, or contact a specialist to hack social network pages. There are a lot of options for productive espionage, the main thing is not to give yourself away.

Important! The fact of your surveillance can become a good reason for a huge scandal and subsequent breakup.

Another effective way is to take them by surprise. It costs nothing to organize a departure related to supposedly “urgent matters at work,” the desire to visit relatives or improve your health in a sanatorium. Create a favorable environment for your spouse to cheat. By returning ahead of schedule, you will catch your lovers in the act or make sure that all your suspicions are nothing more than a fantasy.

When should you not continue a relationship?

Maybe you shouldn’t continue the romance, which is leading nowhere, but pay attention to a less brilliant, but more promising colleague without all these family difficulties? You can call your loved one for a frank conversation and ask about his plans for the future - perhaps there is no place for you there? In any case, while you deal with your situation and make a choice, try to behave with extreme restraint and calm. Do not discuss your difficult relationships with colleagues or friends. After all, all your difficulties will immediately become public knowledge, and you will not be able to protect your relationship from outside influence.

Relationship between boss and employee 7

This is a much more interesting and rare situation. As a rule, a subordinate is obsessed with the idea of ​​sleeping with his boss. It’s much less common for a man to want to have a full-fledged relationship with her. The subordinate is attracted to the power, inaccessibility and sexuality of the woman “at the helm.” As soon as he gets what he wants, his interest cools.

Such relationships may also involve selfish goals. Often men, no less than women, want to move up the career ladder without making much effort. The easiest option is to start a relationship with your boss.

Kind with healthy

“Programmers are passionate people; they can stay in the office for 10-12 hours and code. Therefore, we are only glad if the guys have something in their lives other than work, even inside the office. This helps to avoid the main thing - professional burnout,” says Alexander Bochkin, founder and CEO of Saransk IT. He himself met his future wife Olga during a work meeting: at first they communicated as partners, and then Bochkin lured the woman to his staff. “We started communicating closely after a small corporate event - the informal atmosphere, conversations on abstract topics did their job. We started going for walks in the evenings after work. We went for coffee and rode bicycles. Typical and romantic,” recalls the entrepreneur.

“We have been saving corporate budgets for 17 years by using one hotel room instead of two”

After the wedding, Alexander and Olga continued to work together. Olga managed to go on two maternity leave, but did not retire from work: she created a PR department during her second pregnancy, and now she often goes to the office with her youngest daughter. “Family is very similar to business. We discussed all the points, assigned responsible areas, outlined strategic and tactical goals and plans,” says Bochkin. This structural approach makes it possible to separate personal and work issues and increase overall efficiency, the entrepreneur assures: “Over the last two months, I spent at most a week at home, the rest of the time was trips, meetings. When a problem occurs that is unclear how to solve and you don’t sleep for several nights in a row, only your spouse can support you. Sometimes we put the children to bed and sit down to think together what to do.”

The DataArt company, which is engaged in IT consulting and website development, employs 2,400 employees. Of these, more than 60 are only officially registered couples, assures Yulia Zivileiskaya, senior vice president for integrated communications of the project. She herself met her husband while working at DataArt, when they together opened company offices in new cities and countries. The couple spent 26 weeks in Voronezh, three months in Ukraine, traveled to Poland, Vietnam and South America (including spending two years in Buenos Aires!), and now live and work in Malta. According to Zivileiskaya, this regime allows you to maintain a balance between personal and business relationships and actually replaces vacation: “If we reduce the benefits for the company from our marriage to simple numbers, then we have been saving corporate budgets for 17 years by using one hotel room instead of two.”

When the founder of the word of mouth marketing agency Buzzaar, Vladimir Borisov, and his wife, then girlfriend and director of the Kyiv office, Irina, announced their relationship to the team, the employees did not believe them. “Three months after the start of our office romance, we came and said: dammit, we’re dating! Everyone smiled, but decided that it was some kind of prank,” Borisov recalls. It soon became obvious that the founder's intentions were serious, and the reaction of his colleagues changed to envy. “Some people thought I was doing all this to advance my career. It was unpleasant, but I knew that we were building an honest relationship without any ulterior motives, so I reacted ironically,” says Irina. “Moreover, I was the main person in the project in Kyiv; I had nowhere to pave the way.”

For five years, the Borisovs did business together: Irina was responsible for sales, Vladimir was responsible for business development. Most of the time we worked remotely and managed to live in Kyiv, Moscow and Malta, and three years ago we moved to Amsterdam. “Being with a business partner 24 hours a day is very convenient: you can brainstorm over breakfast, the motivation system is completely transparent, because you know the person well,” lists Vladimir. “If it were possible to know every team member in this way, business management would become a completely automated process.” About two years ago, Irina left Buzzaar, but not because of her husband-colleague, but because “she did everything she could in this place.” The day after this decision, she found out that she was pregnant, and during maternity leave she found a new passion: she began painting vintage furniture, which she continues to do to this day. “Many couples say that it is strange for them to work together. It's strange for us not to work together. But we are getting used to it,” she sums up.

“Not a single office romance remained a secret for others for a long time”

Maria and Alexander Dolgov, who together develop the event agency prostorcrew, began dating while working at the Zeppelin Production agency, where both were hired managers. “It seemed to us that no one knew anything - we were constantly encrypted. “I used to get out of his car so that no one would see us together, and walk two blocks to work,” recalls Maria. For about five months, the couple kept secret, fearing condemnation from colleagues and superiors, and then Maria decided to leave, she explains. The Dolgovs made their second foray into joint office life a few years later, when Alexander and a friend created their own event agency, and Maria became its business development director: “I was married and pregnant, I no longer had anything to hide in front of my subordinates.” True, at first she was presented to clients as her maiden name: “Maria Davydova” worked in the market for quite a long time, but “Maria Dolgova” did not.

According to Dolgova, the fact that her husband is also her partner has a positive effect on work efficiency and keeps her from making spontaneous decisions. “It can be hard - sometimes you want to get up and tell everyone off. But when you work for someone, you can pick up your box of ferns, like in American films, and leave one day,” says Maria. “In a family business, this is not possible: you will still come home from the office to your partner, so there is an incentive to calmly sort out all the problems.”

How to avoid problems

There is a fine line between ensuring productivity and a comfortable work environment for everyone and intruding on privacy. Of course, all companies have their own attitude towards office romances; some ignore it, while others draw up a whole set of rules for such situations.

It is important for HR specialists not only to monitor the situation in the team, but also to be able to delicately influence it in order to avoid unpleasant consequences for the company.

Develop a policy for relations between colleagues

You should think about what kind of work environment you want to give your employees. Make sure all employees are aware of the rules regarding relationships between colleagues in the workplace.

Please note that rules that completely prohibit any romantic relationships often work to the detriment of the company. Any policy that is considered excessive or intrusive is likely to lead to secret relationships that are much more difficult to manage.

Rules are designed to create an ethical and harmonious workplace, not to control bad behavior. You may want to consider a policy that prohibits managers from dating subordinates. However, be sure to justify this and once again repeat why such a relationship is undesirable for the work environment.

Emphasize that relationships between colleagues should not be demonstrated in the workplace. Explain the consequences of challenging behavior in the office for both colleagues and partners themselves.

Provide training

Not only should employees be informed about the rules of romantic relationships in the workplace, but also training or other activities should be conducted for supervisors and managers. Additional training will help managers respond appropriately to difficult situations, such as harassment or discrimination.

Managers and HR departments need to be able to tactfully influence employees if their behavior goes beyond the bounds of decency. It is especially important to respond effectively and appropriately to complaints of harassment. A timely response from management can save the company from litigation and deterioration of the employer brand reputation.

Tell us about the company's policy regarding harassment

To avoid controversial situations, formal rules regarding sexual harassment should be created. The company's policy regarding sexual harassment should be clear and unambiguous. Information about the consequences of such behavior must be provided.

At the same time, employees should understand that it is possible to ask a colleague out on a date. They need to know where the line is between a harmless remark and harassment. Harassment occurs when someone indicates a lack of interest and the unwanted attention continues. Most organizations ask employees to sign a document confirming that they understand and will abide by the non-sexual harassment policy.