Some researchers view separate life as a historically new form of family. Some guest marriages may even prioritize the couple's relationship and place more importance on the friendship. From this perspective, guest couples are not radical pioneers outside the family, but rather they are cautious and conservative and simply demonstrate a lack of commitment.
Research using more comprehensive data shows that guest marriages represent a heterogeneous social category with different motivations for living apart. Around a third feel their relationship doesn't need cohabitation, while others can't live together even though they want to, with work being the most common reason. In practice, the motives are often complex, for example one partner may wish to maintain the family home for existing children, while the other may welcome autonomous time and space. Sometimes the “preference” may have a defensive motivation, such as an emotional desire to avoid a repeat of an unsuccessful or unpleasant cohabiting relationship.
Throughout life2
Living in such a relationship means different things at different stages of your life's journey. Relationships between young people and adults who have close, dependent children are temporary and involuntary. For older adults, priorities shift as responsibilities for childrearing and paid work decrease and a limited future increases preference for affectively rich relationships. Guest marriages are well suited for this process. The low level of organization of relationships and the absence of many of the obligations and connections that characterize marriage place emphasis on the emotional side. Swedish research found that older women were significantly more motivated to live on their own to ensure independence and escape the traditional gender division of labor.
Why is the classical form of marriage dominant now?
The more complex and multifaceted a person’s life became, the more everyday tasks fell on him. Gradually, people came to the conclusion that it was much easier for the two of them to cope, and even to share household responsibilities. After all, it is known: the fewer tasks you have, the better you understand them.
What about today?
Your house is cleaned by a robot vacuum cleaner, your laundry is done by a machine, you can get to work by subway, and anyone can “catch game” in the form of money, regardless of physical fitness and especially gender.
This is difficult to explain to those who were born in the USSR or survived in the 90s: then the family was truly the most “full-fledged” unit of society.
In fact, the real argument that forces people today to maintain classic relationships is that feelings require constant close contact.
Examples of par4
Famous and famous couples are mentioned from the 19th to the 21st century. For example, a 2007 Times article mentions Woody Allen and Mia Farrow (then living on either side of Central Park, New York), Margaret Drabble and Michael Holroyd (married 36 years as of 2021, living in separate houses), Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton and their two children (two houses next door in Hampstead, London), and Booker Arundhati Roy and husband Pradeep Krishen (with separate houses in Delhi, India).
In the 1840s, famous composer Frédéric Chopin and writer George Sand had an "unusual" relationship, which today would be called a guest marriage. The relationship between the philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1905–1980) and the feminist writer Simone de Beauvoir (1908–1986) is often mentioned. It is important to remember, however, that it is not only the rich and famous who live separately, this lifestyle is common among ordinary people in all social groups.
Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton
Can temporary separation strengthen a marriage?5
Guest marriage can be useful as a form of relationship strengthening. The therapeutic value of separation in strengthening a marriage if it is done correctly for the right reasons and if there are clear agreements from the beginning. This separation can be done at any time, and, indeed, more and more couples are living this way. However, there is something “wrong” when couples live apart, and we usually view separation as something used primarily by couples who have reached their breaking point. They have usually tried various other interventions and tactics to get the marriage back on track, and now they are in a place where there is nothing left to do but separate, physically separate, and ultimately get divorced.
However, rather than achieving a goal, division can be a useful tool to maintain unity. This seems counterintuitive when the marriage is in trouble and the relationship is fragile. Most of us believe that when we feel our spouse is slipping away from us, we should merge more, be as close as possible, and do more “to make the marriage work.”
The thought of creating distance at a time like this instills a great fear of losing control over your spouse and your relationship. This option is especially difficult if the bond between you has been weakened by a betrayed trust. But if used carefully and skillfully (and usually with some professional support), this tool can be quite effective in bringing two people closer together.
Opinions and recommendations of psychologists
Psychologists, as has already been shown, almost do not consider guest marriages as a bad format. Some reasons for joining them may be tied to moral trauma, but not always.
Here are psychologists' tips on how to behave to make the union strong:
- Treat each other the same way you would in a full-fledged family relationship. In any case, nothing is and cannot be more important than feelings;
- try to spend time together more often and start family traditions. This will establish a close moral and emotional connection;
- Don't be intimidated by the prospect of living together. Even if the current format is more familiar and seems the most successful;
- do not be influenced by critics. Your union is no worse than any other.
Guidelines for separation6
Separation is a stressful time. You're facing the possible end of your marriage, and things can start to feel like a battlefield.
No matter which side of the fence you're on, these practical tips for guest marriage will help you get through and move beyond the separation as you prepare for the next phase of your life.
Get third party support. While some couples can do this on their own, it is best to find some type of neutral third party to help facilitate the process. This can be difficult, especially if it is done when there is currently some tension or issues between the spouses. This could be a therapist, friends, family, or a lawyer.
Set clear and reasonable expectations. Ground rules are necessary to maintain trust between the parties. If one person expects communication every day and the other doesn't, it can cause resentment. Knowing what to expect can help you avoid situations like this.
Give each other time. Separation is painful. You will have a lot of emotions and may feel angry or hopeless. You both need time to process any feelings that arise and work through them in your own way.
It's also a good idea to talk to each other about dating rules. You may not like the idea of asking your partner's feelings on the matter, but if you're not sure you're going through with the divorce, dating while separated could lead to a permanent rift.
Agree on everything. Before you force a breakup, make agreements on everything, including:
- Where will each of you live?
- How will you manage joint bank accounts?
- How will you deal with joint accounts?
- Where will your children live?
- Visiting rights
It is best to consult with an attorney when entering into these agreements.
Know your purpose. Don't assume that you both have the same goal. You both need to agree that your intention to live apart is to strengthen your marriage. Again, if one spouse believes that separation is a step in the divorce process and the other believes that it is a temporary “time out,” this can lead to a serious gap in trust between them. Having the same goal in this exercise is especially important for the success of this exercise.
Sit down and talk honestly with each other. Try to listen and respect each other's point of view. You both need to be clear about why the separation is happening and the expected outcome.
Have a plan in place. It's scary to face separation. Make your life easier by making a plan for everything you can think of. Make sure you know where you will live, how you will manage work, how you will pay for everything, and how you will manage daily needs. Making a plan will make separation less daunting and will ensure you don't get caught up on bills or become overwhelmed with responsibilities.
Be as kind as you can. Tensions run high during a separation, and it's easy to get into fights and take shots at each other—but try not to give in to the temptation. If you end up reconciling or moving forward with divorce, more tension and aggravation is not good for everyone involved.
Try to be as kind as possible if things get too stressful, know when to step away from a heated discussion, and remember to give yourself time to calm down before responding.
Don't try to change them. If your partner is not happy with you now, separation will not change him. If lack of interest in your children's daily lives is one of the reasons you want to separate, further developments will not cause them to change their behavior.
Focus on how you can best cope with your partner. Be kind and compassionate, but don't embrace toxic behavior. Draw your own boundaries so you can have healthy interactions.
If you're considering reconciliation, be honest with yourself about your partner's quirks and habits and what you can live with—trying to change them won't make either of you happy.
Be honest with your children. Children know what's going on, even if they don't understand the specifics. Be honest with them about what's going on. Remember, what your children need right now is to know that both parents love them and will always be there for them, so be sure to let them know this.
There is a difference between keeping your children informed and involving them in your drama. Don't berate the other parent or rely on them for emotional support. They need you to be there for them, not the other way around.
Watch yourself. You need support and good self-care right now. Confide in your best friends or family members and don't hesitate to let them know what will be helpful for you right now. Consider seeing a therapist if you have a lot of feelings to work through.
Maintain regular communication. No contact for a long period of time can actually damage the family bond. Instead of an “absence makes the heart grow” mentality, it may be “out of sight, out of mind.” The average length of a guest marriage should be around six months, but some couples enjoy it so much that they continue it indefinitely.
FAQ
Below are answers to questions related to the topic in one way or another.
What is Godwin marriage?
This concept is used to designate the type of relationship considered. No difference. Another variant of the name is business marriage.
What types of marriage are there?
There are many of them. This is a civil marriage, which we have already written about, church, de facto, dynastic, morganatic and other types.
What is a Boston Wife?
The concept is used in relation to women living together for a long time. To be more precise, it was used. Around the middle of the 20th century. it was withdrawn from use due to the start of colossal work to recognize the admissibility of same-sex relationships in a number of states. Basically, a Boston wife is a lesbian living with someone else. Together they are, understandably, Boston Wives.
What is a partnership marriage?
This is almost the ideal form of relationship. Within its framework, a man and a woman accept each other as they are. They do not criticize each other, do not try to change each other and simply enjoy life together.
What is an open relationship?
This type of relationship presupposes the freedom of partners in terms of outside connections. However, connections in the context of open relationships should be understood as any other than intimate ones. There are also distorted ideas when this type of communication is confused with absolute freedom in choosing any contacts.
How is this an arranged marriage?
A marriage of convenience is when a couple enters into a union for selfish reasons. This is about mutual benefit, about an agreement that guarantees benefits to both.
Who should not enter into a guest relationship7
There are some people for whom this tool will not work. It is imperative that each spouse is honest with themselves and honest with each other about why they are doing this exercise: if you or your spouse is trying to make the separation process smoother and easier, this is NOT the way to strengthen the marriage. If you have no intention of staying with your partner, the worst thing you can do is pretend to be interested in solving problems.
If you are unsure whether you want to stay in your marriage, it is important to communicate this upfront. It will be much more difficult for your spouse if you have led him or her to believe that you will return fully committed to the marriage, once the divorce is over, he/she will find out that you wanted to leave all along.
Those who have had repeated breaches of trust, or those who find it difficult to trust, should not try separation. This exercise requires a lot of maturity and may cause more anxiety than it is worth to those who are dishonest or lack confidence.
Splits can be specifically tailored to your needs and your situation and can be applied or canceled at any time.
How does a guest marriage affect the sex life of the spouses?
Of the benefits, many couples cite the preservation of a sense of novelty when the husband and wife were just exploring each other. Of course, this is a significant argument for those who do not want, for example, to see their wife in the morning in a worn-out dressing gown or watch their husband walking around the apartment in old sweatpants with protruding knees. For each meeting, both spouses in a guest marriage get themselves in order, because their meetings are far from the routine nightly “how was your day?” in ordinary families.
The downside is the possibility of betrayal. The lack of visibility of control can become a reason for going to the side, because no one will know about it anyway.
