Why do we offend each other, or an educational program for a novice mason

If your friend is offended by you and ignores your attempts to contact him, then there is not much you can do in this situation.

On the other hand, the little you can do can be very effective. If you follow my advice, any of the following will happen:

A friend will appear on the horizon, and eventually stop fooling himself and you.
A friend will disappear into the blue distance, but you won’t care about it.

The only reason you're reading this right now is because you don't care that your friend is ignoring you. It is quite logical that if you stop worrying about this, then there will be no problem for you.

But there is a paradox here. The likelihood is that if you stop worrying, then a friend may suddenly show up, as if “himself.”

But this is only possible if you behave correctly.

So, here are 4 actions in case a friend gets offended and starts ignoring you.

Tatyana Kutasheva - Again today not with me

Again today I’m not with you, Again partings and separations... Mental torments are tormenting me, It’s hard for me to cope with trouble! I’m trembling all over from resentment, How tender my heart is vulnerable, And the pain in my chest is unbearable! Don't offend me, please! A complete haze all around! The howling wind is knocking, The mischief of his own, without noticing, Created a pogrom in the room! So cheerful and mischievous... He extinguishes the flaming candles, He wants to brighten up the night, being alone with me! I look at the sunset with longing, The stars shine so beautifully there, But my soul is sad! Don't offend me, please! The moon looks into the house, And illuminates a gloomy corner... Let tomorrow be a successful day, And sadness goes away after sleep!

When they offended you

Many people do not pay attention to the fact that they offended a friend, even though they still feel awkward. But if you are the one who faced a conflict and remained a victim in it, then here are some tips that will help you cope with the unpleasant feeling of betrayal:

Never be dramatic. Analyze the situation and remember what exactly got you into the quarrel. If there is nothing serious, then you should not be mortally offended by your friend. If he betrayed you or insulted you, then think about whether you need such a person next to you?
Don't have any false illusions. If you are sure that you are not to blame for the quarrel, then do not rush to be the first to restore the relationship. Give your friend some time to cool down and think things over, and then apologize - sincerely and innocently. But at the same time, do not harbor false hopes that he will come to you to confess on the very first day. Sometimes it takes people years to do this.
Try to pull yourself together. Of course, even the smallest quarrel can unsettle you. Most people withdraw into themselves, they lose their appetite, they are ready to just lie down and not get up from the couch until everything comes together. Get busy and don’t let negative emotions and thoughts consume you. Work and hobbies are the best cure for mental illness.

Any disagreements can be resolved. The main thing is not to be afraid to show sincere feelings, apologize and restore trust again. All you need is a little self-confidence and the ability to forgive. If you focus on what words were said to you, then you will never be able to trust people again. If your best friend has offended you, do not rush to be mortally offended by him. Find out the reasons why he did this, maybe he was just having a bad day.

People with bad habits

Having communicated with this or that person for a long time, we involuntarily begin to copy him: we repeat gestures, turns of speech, even the style of clothing. “Parents are always very worried that their child might end up in bad company,” says Klimov. – It’s the same for adults. If you start communicating with a drinking person, then there is a high probability that you yourself will soon become addicted to the bottle. It is not uncommon for an adult and accomplished person to start smoking “in company with a friend.” Be careful: if your new acquaintance invites you to share his bad habit, stop communicating with him.”

Try to restore former trust

Many girls ask themselves the question: what to do when you offend a friend? Of course, after any quarrel there can be an unpleasant aftertaste, so you need to give your relationship time to recover.

But before this period, you will have to make every effort so that you can become good friends again:

Firstly, if you want to find the answer to the question of how to correct the situation when you offended a friend, then remember about support. Every person needs to understand other people. Therefore, support your friend, do not leave him in trouble, but keep your distance so that this relationship does not develop into a consumer relationship.
Secondly, be present in his life, don’t disappear for long and keep in touch. Any conflict can be resolved, but it is important to give the person time to think it over and cool down.

Alla Zham - I have already forgiven

I have already forgiven all the insults to those who betrayed and did not love, to those who were friendly only in appearance, but hid evil in their souls. I forgave the rudeness and reproaches, Harsh, arrogant words to the narrow-minded, angry and lonely And I think that I was right. I forgave the enemies for their intrigues, Sophisticated lace gossip, Intrigues, like a plot for a book, Where “Meanness” is the first chapter. I forgave my friends for their mistakes, Their criticism, harsh at times, With pity and bitterness of a smile, And the advice of the “smart” is a long line. I have forgiven those close and distant... In life there is always something to forgive for! This is not the easiest thing, Nothing needs to be simplified! I forgave, although it was difficult, without blaming anyone in the world, I think it would be simply wonderful if someone would forgive me...

Don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness

It is important to be able to sincerely apologize and understand why you are repentant. Therefore, before you go to ask for forgiveness, remember what exactly hurt your friend’s feelings. Perhaps he trusted you, told you the most secret secrets from his life, and in a quarrel you decided to use this knowledge against him.

If you betrayed him, then regaining your former trust will be very difficult. Knowing that you cannot be relied upon, your friend will become very wary even after forgiveness. Don't go to a person without a prepared speech. Of course, you don't need to memorize a whole sheet of paper in advance for it to look flattering and artificial. Just prepare a cheat sheet for yourself that will help you if you get nervous or confused.

People who don't accept you as others

Don't hang out with people who can't celebrate your success—they might be skeptical that you started working out, upset that you quit smoking, and upset that you got a promotion at work. “Such people will try to convince you that moving up the career ladder will harm you - they say that you are arrogant,” says Klimov. – They will be able to give a thousand reasons why you need to stop running in the morning or taking English classes. The whole point is that they themselves do not want to develop and justify their laziness by the fact that next to them is exactly the same weak-willed person. When you reach up, they will try to hold you back instead of growing with you. Once you get rid of these “friends” you will feel happy.”

How to offend a friend? A few mistakes you can avoid

Never provoke a person during a quarrel, otherwise this may lead to the outbreak of a strong conflict. Try to avoid disagreements and give everyone time. Surely you didn’t specifically think about how to offend your friend, but everything turned out to be quite simple. For example, you used the knowledge you gained about your friend against him.

If you found out his deepest secret and told someone about it, this is enough to end the warmest relationship. After all, friendship is more than just knowing someone. When you trust each other, you agree to keep other people's secrets and provide moral support.

Write him one message

One of the traps of human idiocy that many people fall into when they are abandoned is panicky attempts to return everything “back” through chaotic, emotional, useless, stupid actions. These actions include:

Endless attempts to apologize.
Obsessive attempts to contact a hundred times a day.
Continuing attempts to contact, even when you have been openly sent to three letters.
Trying to find out what happened, even when they don’t want to tell you, or when even a moron can understand what happened.
Attempts - subconscious or conscious - to make amends in any way, to make some promises, etc.
Calls or, even worse, attempts to find this person, track him down, on the street, at work, etc.

Here everything is dictated by the degree to which the mind is clogged with garbage. If the mind is filled to capacity with it, then it already borders on the clinic - when you are greeted at work with attempts to apologize, for example...

Where does all this crap come from?

Still the same emotional dependence. Plus, a tearing feeling of guilt, which has very deep subconscious roots that go far into the past (the same childhood, by the way). People will go to any lengths to extinguish their “guilt”...

But we will not follow the path of an idiot. We will follow the path of a person who has neither a feeling of guilt that he was offended and ignored, nor emotional dependence on this person (depending on who is offended is a pitchfork).

What will such a person do? In general, he can tell an offended friend to go to hell and not worry at all, continuing to live to the fullest without him.

But what if, nevertheless, it would be nice to restore communication with that person?

Then he will write him One Message. Just one and no more.

The text of the message may vary depending on what happened between you, so I can’t give you a universal text that you can just copy and paste into the messenger. But, assuming that there was some kind of incident in which the blame was supposedly on your shoulders, then the text might be something like this.

Hello. Listen, I understand that it turned out to be bullshit, and you don’t want to talk to me now. But I would still like to meet and discuss what happened. Otherwise, from my bell tower, I can stupidly not catch up with what’s going on there.

Naturally, change your tone and words according to how you usually communicate.

You should write this message after taking a break in communication—say, two days. If you have already managed to rape your friend’s brain with your messages, then take a longer break - a week. Otherwise, for him, your message will only be a continuation of your brain violence.

What will happen next?

Then either the friend will answer or continue to play the silent game. If your friend answers, then great, make an appointment, go meet him and listen to him. If you find in his narration indications of specific actions that you have committed, which you may not perform in the future, then apologize for these very actions and promise to try not to perform them again.

If your friend doesn't answer, it's okay. He either behaves like a small child, trying to put pressure on your feelings of guilt, cause a stream of apologies from you and attract your attention to himself, amusing his emotional distress, or he stupidly does not want to communicate with you anymore. In both cases, there is nothing you can do. Any further attempts to contact him will either lead to nothing, or will bury even deeper those tiny chances of restoring the relationship that you might still have.

And besides, you have no feelings of guilt and no emotional dependence either. You don't give a damn, you're lucky.

And if you don’t give a damn, then become one, damn it! Work on it immediately.

Here's a final quote for inspiration:

When a person comes to you, you give him your presence in his life. When he leaves you, you give him the opportunity to miss you.

Block 1. Resentment. Definition.

What is resentment?
Resentment is a person’s experience of a wounded Ego as a result of an actual or imagined unfair devaluing attitude towards oneself on the part of a real or humanized subject.
People are offended by real people, including themselves, as well as by “higher powers”, animals, circumstances, artificial programs and technical mechanisms (for example: games, cars), which in the cognitive model of the world are irrationally endowed with human qualities: mind, will, intention. A reason for resentment can always be found if the core of a person’s personality contains the belief “I am unworthy.” This belief is unconscious and widespread. If a person’s fundamental belief is “I am worthy,” then it is almost impossible to offend him. There are very few such people. This is rather an exception to the rule.

Block 6. Resentment. Our mistakes.

What mistakes do we make when talking with our opponent?

1. Phrase: “ There is no point in being offended by me, you yourself behaved incorrectly .” We are essentially saying “ She’s a fool herself .”

2. Phrase: “ These are some kind of childish grievances .” We evaluate the format “ You are an underdeveloped, immature creature .”

3. Phrase: “ You get offended by every little thing .” We evaluate using the form “ You are an inadequate fool .”

4. Phrase: “ You can continue to sulk at me if you like it .” We encourage scaling of RESULTS according to the option “ You are problematic and these are your problems .”

5. Phrase: “ Be offended as much as you like, I will still do what I think is right .” We show hostility and arrogance like “ I don’t care about you, I’m the king .”

It's not always wise to convince them to make peace

Your circle of friends and the interactions of people within that circle are obviously of great importance to you. However, this does not mean that it has the same meaning for them. Remember that some of your friends change their priorities in life, decide who they keep in touch with and who they don’t, and have every right to stop investing in those relationships that have become uninteresting to them.

In this case, you should not overwork yourself and try to resolve the internal conflict of two people who are tired of each other’s company. Perhaps they just don't want to be in contact anymore.

Block 3. Resentment. Our delusions.

Some of us believe that over time, grievances are leveled out, as if they resolve on their own, and as proof we point to external, sensory-recorded parameters when the opponent demonstrates signals of “friendly relations.” At the same time, we forget that the other person is capable of playing a role, showing a fake smile, fake interest, fake friendliness, taking on fake commitment and responsibility.

We like to think that our relationship is “OK”, while not digging deeply into our opponent and living “without tension”. Our blindness and false mental comfort are subsequently severely punished. By analogy with the story about a mentally lazy driver who forgot to add oil to the engine of his car and subsequently “ran into an expensive engine replacement.”

The opponent's RESULTS are stored in the attic in his psychic virtual house of RELATIONSHIPS and become overgrown with dust, covered with mold, but do not disappear anywhere. The time comes, a person opens the door, finds the RESULT, washes and polishes it. Pure and again living RESULT whispers into the left ear: “Punish!”

RESULTS can be small and large, new and old, forgotten and relevant, forgiven and unforgiven, against ourselves and others, structured and amorphous, processed and original, destructive and constructive.

Block 4. Resentment. Our tasks.

We have two tasks for you.

4.1. First task.

Help your opponent process his RESULT. Let the interlocutor SPEAK his grievance, place it in the “field of bilateral discussion,” reveal the details, tell the reasons. We ask you questions and suggest you look at alternative reasons.

Article “Responsibility of the President”

4.2. Second task.

Make the grievance constructive. We move on to the consequences, pointing out the prospects for translating the RESULT into a useful product. We answer the question: “ How will RESULT change our relationships for the better?” RESULT becomes the foundation for new strong partnerships.

Order my service “Negotiations – Scenarios”

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Don't let them sway you to one side.

Most likely, in a quarrel between two friends, you are not at all opposed to acting as the main conciliator. Perhaps it will even bring you some pleasure, and you will feel like a messiah who was able to influence the fate of two people.

The main thing is to remember that under no circumstances should you take the side of one of them. Therefore, do not give in to their persuasion to judge who is right and who is wrong in a given situation.

If they ask, answer them in this case: “I understand that each of you is offended by each other, but I am not going to take sides.”

How to understand the situation?

Firstly, if a man does not call or respond to messages, this does not mean that the girl offended him. It may well turn out that he is simply very busy at work, or he is having difficulties with his car, friends or colleagues. Therefore, first you should just wait, it may well turn out that there is no conflict situation and the girl did nothing wrong.

If there is still a feeling of conflict and resentment on the part of a man, it is recommended to simply talk to him. Otherwise, how can we understand what the cause of the offense is? You can start by asking him simple questions about the car, work, friends. It is quite possible that the reason for his isolation is the need to urgently solve some problem. Then the girl can help in finding a solution, and instead of conflict, the relationship will become even stronger.

What you definitely shouldn’t do is immediately arrange a showdown. Hysterics and excessive emotions can provoke bigger problems than a simple calm conversation. You shouldn’t try to manipulate or threaten a man after a quarrel. This will also not work. If there really is resentment, then manipulation or threats will only make it worse.

What to do to prevent grievances?

Mutual grievances are a sign of a dysfunctional relationship, so you need to sort out their causes as quickly as possible and take measures to avoid repeating such situations in the future.

Of course, it will not be possible to completely avoid conflict situations, but it is quite possible to prevent most of them. To do this, you need to remember that all people are different, each has their own characteristics. What is normal for one may be critically unacceptable for another. Therefore, you need to find an approach to your offended husband and build relationships individually. To do this, you should spend as much time as possible with each other, get to know each other, communicate, understand what is important to whom, and so on.

In addition, relationships should be constantly strengthened. If a man has problems at work, a woman may well offer him her help or express sympathy. This will increase mutual understanding and strengthen trust between partners. And, of course, you should respect each other, because when people love each other, understand, trust - this is what long-term and happy relationships are built on.

So, when men are offended, they behave differently than women. Therefore, it is recommended that you behave differently. Firstly, you should not ask obvious questions, such as “who are you offended by?” The answer will be: “on you,” but this will not lead to a resolution of the conflict. It is much more effective to sincerely try to understand why a man seems offended. You can write him a sweet message and try to support him. If it doesn’t work out, you shouldn’t approach the situation in the style of “well, be offended as much as you like, I’ll be offended too.” This position can even lead to a break in the relationship. It is recommended to try to understand what the error was and promptly correct it.