What is friendship: signs, laws and how to distinguish a real friend from a buddy

Definition

Wikipedia gives the following interpretation of the concept of friendship. This is a stable, selfless relationship between people, which is based on spiritual closeness, respect, mutual affection, common interests, mutual understanding and mutual assistance.

This phenomenon is studied in sociology, social psychology, philosophy and anthropology.

The German sociologist Ferdinand Tönnies identified two types of social communication:

1. Community. It is based on emotional intimacy.
2. Society. Based on rational calculation and division of labor.

Thus, he considered friendship to be the embodiment of community, which is characteristic of small groups with insufficiently universal social ties.

Everyone can describe in their own words what friendship is exactly in their understanding. Someone will say that this is a kinship of souls, someone will explain this concept as a partnership in which there is no place for commercialism, lies, mistrust and calculation.

Friends speak the same language and understand each other perfectly. They are always ready to help, support in difficult times, and willingly sacrifice personal time and resources.

Kinds

The German philosopher and sociologist Georg Simmel believed that friendship has several sides, that is, there are different types. Sympathy arises with someone, common intellectual interests, religious feelings or similar life experiences are formed with someone.

Based on this idea, we can conditionally divide this concept into several types:

• Situational - in the gym, for business, in the office, etc.
• Depending on gender - male and female, intergender (we will talk about friendship between a man and a woman a little later).
• Depending on age - children's, youth, between adults.

There are also several types of friendship based on role forms:

• Compassionate people. These are friends who can replace a psychotherapist. Those who will always support, sympathize, and reassure.
• Comrades. They have similar interests and can be involved in the same project or business.
• Interlocutors. There is a high degree of mutual understanding. Such people have something to talk about.
• Alter ego. Here the unifying factor is the desire to be similar to each other, to take an example and complement.
• Recharging. Such friends feed and inspire each other in those moments when one of them is discouraged and needs support.
• Ideal. One of the partners acts as a model and motivator, perhaps teaching something to the other.

Separately, it is worth considering children's and adult friendships.

Children's friendship

Children develop their first friendship around the age of 3–5 years. Previously, communication was limited mainly to parents and close relatives.

At 3–4 years old, children begin to play together, but it is more of a side-by-side play than a joint one. Preschool friendships are easy to make, but quickly broken. At this age, the child does not yet understand why other people think differently from him and act contrary to his wishes.

At 7–9 years old, children can already accept the behavior of other people and begin to value friendships with peers. At the same time, jealousy of friendship appears when it turns out that a friend is dating someone else.

Children often describe friendship as an opportunity for exchange, that is, you want to share with a friend.

By the age of 11–13 years, teenagers already need to be understood, supported, and sympathized. Friends are selected based on emotional closeness, according to the “on the same wavelength” principle.

Later, the social factor comes to the fore: common interests, principles, values, loyalty.

Researchers at the American University of Indiana have found that friendships formed during post-secondary education are stronger and more durable than those formed earlier.

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Friendship in adults

The greatest social activity, as a rule, is observed in the period from 20 to 25 years. At this time, a person is studying at a college, university or other educational institution, he usually has many friends and acquaintances.

Closer to 30 years, quality becomes more priority than quantity. The number of friends decreases, but the closest ones remain.

Friendly communication among adults is based on affection and emotional support. Many studies have confirmed that such contacts not only increase self-esteem, but also improve a person’s mental well-being and even physical health.

As we age, it becomes increasingly difficult to establish new social connections. In addition, existing close relationships often begin to weaken.

This is interesting! Scientists have found that friendships are inherent not only in humans, but also in animals. For example, this has been observed in dolphins, crows, giraffes, donkeys and guppy fish.

Why is friendship needed?

The benefits of having friends in a person’s life are very difficult to overestimate. Even the most unsociable introvert needs people. Whatever one may say, man is a social being.

Regardless of age, it’s bad without friends: lonely teenagers become isolated and depressed, adults don’t feel needed and don’t get proper emotional release.

Did you know that Japan even appointed a minister to combat loneliness due to widespread suicides? Thousands of people voluntarily die, feeling completely abandoned and alone. In 2021, 20 thousand Japanese committed suicide: this is 6 times more than the mortality rate from coronavirus in this country.

Even if we don’t notice, friendship has an impact not only on the social part of our life, but also on all other areas, including health and success in self-realization. Experts say that 80% of a person’s success depends on his environment. That is why it is so important to have those nearby who accept, support, rejoice in success and come to the rescue without hesitation.

Strong friendships between adults and children

Friendly relationships between children and adults in families play a very important role. In this case, parents may not be afraid of losing their authority. And the child, as a rule, always responds to requests, and like a true friend, is always ready to listen to the parents’ problems.

What qualities can a friendly attitude develop?

• independence;
• responsibility;
• responsiveness;
• self-esteem.

To establish a friendly relationship with a child, parents will have to step down from the heights of their authority. First you need to involve him in your affairs, start talking about various positive cases.

Also, the child is always ready to listen, so you should not be afraid to tell him about your grievances due to some events at work. This will instill in him a sense of caring.

With properly built friendships, the child feels like a full-fledged part of the family. He is always ready to help and respects not only himself, but also other people. Becomes a good person.

Signs of true friendship

Let's look at what friendship is made of:

1. Confidence. Not only friendships, but also any relationships that strive to be long-lasting are built on it. They say that trust can only be lost once. No amount of sympathy or interest will help maintain a warm relationship when trust has been shaken.
2. Unselfishness. A friend helps and supports just like that, without expecting gratitude or return of the “debt” in return.
3. Equality. In true friendship there is no place for competition and envy, regardless of the social status of both people. Although psychologists are wary of friendships in which one is significantly more successful and richer than the other, arguing that such inequality inevitably leads to prolonged stress for the latter.
4. Willingness to help in difficult situations. After all, it’s not without reason that they say that a friend is a friend in need. It often happens that when you are successful, you have many friends, but when trouble comes to your home, only a few remain nearby.
5. Test of time. The more “fires, water and copper pipes” you go through with a person, the closer he becomes.
6. Compliance with ethical laws. This means that a friend will not rudely violate personal boundaries or force him to do something vile and dangerous.
7. Adoption . To be friends is to accept a person completely, without the desire to change him. You perfectly see all his shortcomings and oddities, but you do not allow yourself to encroach on your friend’s individuality and teach life without asking.

Of course, this is only part of all the signs that distinguish true friendship. There is also honesty, respect, mutual understanding, mutual assistance, self-sacrifice, faith and many other highly moral qualities.

How to avoid problems while building friendly relationships with your child

The problem with this type of relationship with a child is the parents’ fear of losing their authority and tools of influence. In fact, when a child becomes a friend, parents no longer have to appeal to his sense of duty to force him to help. He himself is always happy to come and do what is necessary. Such upbringing requires parents to correctly analyze their own actions in order to set the right example.

The main thing is to treat the child as an equal. For some this is difficult. However, it is worth understanding one common truth: children are the same adults, they are just still small and not fully accustomed to this world. They need help, and then they will happily help in return. This will create a harmonious atmosphere in the family.

What is the difference between a friend and a friend?

Sociologists say that friendship and friendship differ in the duration of communication. According to experts, for companionship you need 50 hours of personal communication, and to become a friend – 200 hours. Online correspondence does not count here.

Many people call everyone they communicate with regularly a friend. But friends and true friends are not the same thing.

A friend is a person with whom you see often, you have similar interests, you will not feel awkward if you are left alone, and you will always find something to talk about. At the same time, you are unlikely to be able to share something intimate, personal with such a person or turn to him for help when the need arises.

A friend is a reliable shoulder whom you can trust, be sure that he will not spill secrets, will always support you, and will be there when others turn away.

Friends are not born, and therefore a friend with whom you have spent enough time and, perhaps, gone through many tests, may well become a reliable friend.

How to find true friends and make your life happier

The steps to restoring a healthy friendship balance are quite simple.

Analyze whether you have real friends

Ask yourself how many people know you really well. For example, who (except close relatives!) is able to notice when you are a little unwell or a little upset, and sincerely ask if everything is okay?

If the answer is “Nobody,” then know that you are not alone in this experience. A 2021 Loneliness_Index_National_Report_Compliance survey found that 54% of American adults “always” or “sometimes” feel like no one cares or knows them well.

Here's another test of true friendship. Try to name a few people, not including your partner or spouse, with whom you can easily talk about very personal, truly exciting topics. And even if you managed to name a couple of names, remember how long ago you discussed such issues last time. If it's been more than a month since then, you might not be as close as you think.

Take existing friendships beyond usefulness

My wife and I realized that it was important for both of us to create deeper friendships, and we restructured our social life a little.

When meeting with friends, we tried to redirect the conversation from everyday, potentially useful topics like vacations, shopping, renovations to more personal issues: happiness, love, moral principles, spirituality. This helped us get closer to some friends. And in other cases, on the contrary, it turned out that a full-fledged relationship (that same perfect friendship) is impossible even in the future. But we were able to understand which people are really close to us and with whom we need to meet more often.

Is there friendship between a man and a woman?

The debate on this issue is unlikely to ever end. Some argue that this is impossible, others confidently say the opposite and prove the existence of intergender friendship with their own examples from life.

I believe that friendship between a man and a straight woman can well exist, but only if neither of them experiences sexual attraction to the other. If one is friends and the other feels sympathy or love, then the so-called friendship can cause pain or become a subject of manipulation.

Laws and rules of friendship

In fact, any rules in matters of relationships are very conditional. We are all different people and we all have our own friendships. The most important thing is that the conditions satisfy both.

Let's see what life principles will help you become a good friend:

1. Faith in friendship. This is when you don’t try to prove that you are a true friend, and don’t demand this from a loved one. You do not need any confirmation and perceive your relationship as an immutable fact.
2. Self-education. To be capable of true friendship, it is important to cultivate positive qualities in yourself: selflessness, kindness, responsiveness, loyalty, sincerity, sensitivity, compassion, etc.
3. Help and support. Nothing is more valued in a person than his willingness to come to the rescue in a timely manner when necessary. Even if at this moment you have to sacrifice something of your own, for example, time, resources, plans.
4. Regularity of communication. It is extremely rare for people to remain close friends if they see each other once a year or less. Any trusting relationship requires nourishment in the form of regular communication and personal meetings.
5. Protection of interests. This means that it is important to always remain on your friend's side, even if others do not believe in him or judge him. This also includes the inadmissibility and suppression of gossip behind the back of a loved one.

Maybe it's not her

Or maybe this is not just friendship anymore?

You need to be aware of certain manifestations that will indicate that your partner does not need friendly relations, but something more. The desire for friendship is a way to disguise true feelings.

1. The partner shows increased attention. For example, he is ready to run at the first call of his friend.
2. Often gives gifts.
3. Does not feel the need to meet people of the opposite sex.
4. He tries to spend as much time alone with his friend as possible.
5. Shows increased interest in his partner's hobbies.
6. There is too much tactile contact in a relationship.
7. The friend experiences obvious feelings of jealousy.
8. He does everything to destroy his partner’s love relationship.

Sometimes it is enough just to look into a friend’s eyes to understand what is hidden in his soul, what lies on his heart.

Interesting facts about friendship

In 2010, evolutionary biologist Robin Dunbar, in his book How Many Friends Does One Person Need, provided interesting facts about friendships. I’ll briefly share the most interesting ones:

• Women and extroverts have the most friends. The former are more successful in making new contacts due to their more developed emotional intelligence, while the latter are more sociable due to their high focus on the outside world.
• The level of closeness is directly proportional to the distance between friends. The researcher says that if you can't get to your friend's house within half an hour, then the likelihood of frequent calls and texts is reduced. And after 160 km the connection stops altogether.
• The longer the separation, the longer the conversation will be when we meet. This is how we try to compensate for the damage caused by the break. There is another logic here: the more you haven’t seen your friend, the more events you need to tell him about.
• In friendship there are also “larks” and “night owls”. The former prefer to communicate and meet during the day, while the latter prefer to get together in the evening. At the same time, “owls” have a wider contact network than “larks”. But at the same time, early birds devote more time to their friends than representatives of other chronotypes.
• Women's friendship is strengthened by communication, and men's friendship is strengthened by a common cause. Dunbar states: “To maintain friendships, women need to communicate in person and chat on the phone. To strengthen male friendship, it is important to go somewhere together, play sports or have a hobby.”