What to do with whiners and how to deal with them?
Many of us, friends, are aware of cases of “ear planting”. You may encounter this at work, in a store or at home, in a company, on a trip, on vacation. Let’s make a reservation right away: there are people who willingly use others as a “napkin for snot,” and there are those who know how to learn a lesson from this and not burden their psyche with negativity. Whiners who love to cry into their vests are multifaceted: they can start a conversation with the weather and end with world politics; they have only one thing in common - “everything is bad”; listen carefully - the end of the world is just around the corner.
I'm not a whiner, but in fact, if you are completely alone, then it is a great happiness when someone finally listens to you. Franz Kafka. America (Missing)
Someone else's soul - darkness
I will not condemn these people - this is their way of relieving tension, but not everyone is ready to take such a shower and, having shaken themselves up, move on in a good mood.
So learn to say no. And first of all for yourself. Tell yourself: “I am not a handkerchief, not a rag with which you can wipe up the slop and throw it away, I am not a thing!” This is where we will begin our little training - how not to turn into an “emotional toilet” for your interlocutor. Suppose you have already come to the realization that such conversations are unpleasant for you, and there are several techniques on how to prevent a whiner from entering your soul.
The soul is wide open. Unhappy together
Another psychological feature, because of which people easily splash out negativity, is of a mental nature. Russian people with a urethral mentality are open-minded. The peculiarity of the collectivist worldview is that we do not keep our distance at all.
If cats are scratching at our souls, we won’t keep it to ourselves, let’s say it loudly. And if something good happens, we’ll even dance with a stranger on the street. This makes us unique people: simple, open, sincere. “Walk like that, walk like that, shoot like that…”
We also, without a twinge of conscience, generously share our state of unfulfillment with others. As a result, we commit a crime without malicious intent - we drag people with us into bad states.
But it could be exactly the opposite. Russian people have always been distinguished by their readiness to help in difficult times. Understanding the importance of contributing our good fortunes to society, we would strive to share only constructive thoughts and inspiring ideas to maintain a welcoming atmosphere. For every person, it would become a base that would support him in moments of melancholy and despondency associated with life’s difficulties.
Why are they doing that?
Whiners always need someone to vent to.
Let's start with the fact that the whiner tells you how bad everything is and expects to get a response, of course, the easiest way is to tell him “no”, alas, is not always suitable. Agree that the boss to whom you openly say something in the style of: “Viktor Ivanovich, maybe it’s time to stop whining, your whining is not at all interesting to me...” can cause you a lot of trouble later.
Listen to them
Some employees become chronic whiners because they feel like others aren't listening to them. For this reason, they may keep repeating the same complaint until someone responds to it properly. Business coach Erica Latrice recommends getting out of this situation in the following way: “If you find yourself frequently communicating with such people, use a similar phrase in your dialogue with them: “If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.” Thanks to it, the employee will understand that he has been heard and that the other person shares his opinion. Perhaps this awareness will be enough for the employee to stop complaining.
How to discourage such an interlocutor without spoiling the relationship?
When the whiner dies inside...
When the whiner dies inside, And doesn’t care what the flock says, When you are your own first critic, The crown holds on like a glove. Zlatentsia Zolotova
- One option is to sympathize and be indecently detailed and sympathetic
.
Did your “friend” catch you and complain about your health? Aah, lament, notice that she really doesn’t look well. Come up with a couple of accompanying symptoms that may “come out” soon, advise her to a good doctor. Be persistent and obsessive, don't let her go when she tries to escape.
- In fact, there are many ways, there is a “reverse” method.
About 10 years ago I noticed how it was used on me.
It was like this: back in the year two thousand, at a tournament in no matter what sport, I met a friend whom I had not seen for a long time. We performed in different categories, but that didn’t stop me from unleashing a wave of negativity on him. And the recent illness, and injury, and the unresponsiveness of trainers and the cost of master classes, all the heavy artillery was put into action. This did not last long, as soon as I allowed a small pause in the conversation, I learned that everything was fine with my friend. Well, this is not life, but a fairy tale. You can thank God every day for such a life, and his training is fun and easy, injuries heal without leaving a trace, and his partners amaze with their loyalty and hard work, the trainers are true professionals, and the yoghurts in the stores are exceptionally fresh.
After such a rebuke, of course, I didn’t have the feeling that I was a complete loser, but the feeling of envy “gnawed” seriously. Since then I've been doing great, and, you know, here we are killing two dogs with one brick. And there is no place for whiners next to us, and the world is filled with new colors, because it is easy to believe in your luck and exclusivity, and by believing and going out into the world in a good mood, it is easy to make the world a little better.
How to stay positive among whiners
Choose your friends wisely
Relatives and colleagues are not chosen, but we can quite decide with whom to be friends. Surround yourself with positive people.
Be grateful
Positive thoughts create positive feelings. Every day or at least a couple times a week, write down what you are grateful for. Remember: for a bad thought to lose its power, you need to think twice about a good one.
Don't waste your energy on chronic whiners
You can sympathize as much as you like with people who complain about their hard life, but it is useless to help them. They are used to noticing only the bad, so our good intentions can turn against us.
Use the sandwich method
Start with a positive statement. Then express your concern or complaint. Finally, say that you hope for a successful outcome.
Engage Empathy
Since you have to work side by side with a complainer, do not forget that such people expect attention and recognition. In the interest of the cause, show empathy and then remind them that it is time to get on with the job.
Stay Aware
Watch your behavior and thinking. Make sure you don't copy negative people and don't spread negativity yourself. Often we don’t even notice that we are complaining. Pay attention to your words and actions.
Avoid gossip
Many of us are used to getting together and unanimously disapproving of someone's behavior or situation, but this leads to even greater dissatisfaction and more complaints.
Let go of stress
Holding stress in is extremely harmful, and sooner or later it will lead to serious consequences. Walk, play sports, admire nature, meditate. Do something that will allow you to distance yourself from the whiner or stressful situation and maintain peace of mind.
Next method
- Another rather time-consuming option is to seize the initiative
.
It would be very good to abstract from your own words.
The whiner, who caught you for moral relief, does not expect that he himself will be used as a toilet. Here again, pressure, and perseverance, and a burning gaze, and pathetic speech, and the wind in our hair are important... However, this requires a certain skill. And here I will tell you one thing, if you are not ready to make efforts, you will become an easy prey. If you are ready to endure and become the same whiner, catch your colleagues by the button and tell them how a sea of emotional feces was thrown out on you, go for it. The choice is always yours, to use or to be used. One way or another, both the victim and the predator are needed by society; all you have to do is occupy your niche.
Video on the topic “How to escape from a whiner”
But we digress, and this is not an article in a textbook or a training manual for the first course, so I will give only a few tips, and you will only have to apply them or refuse.
Voltage Reset
The training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan describes the human psyche using eight vectors. A modern urban person, as a rule, has a set of several vectors. This is neither good nor bad, it's just a fact. The difference is between the realized state of vectors and, on the contrary, the unrealized state. When we do not satisfy our vectorial desires, we experience psychological stress. And we broadcast it outside.
Thus, an unfulfilled person with an anal vector tends to be offended. At the same time, his analytical thinking and ability to systematize, given by nature for something completely different, determine his tendency to generalize his first bad experience and project it onto everyone. Once a cyclist splashed mud on his clean suit, and since then all cyclists in his eyes are worthy only of reproach. That is, for such a person, in absentia, all people united by one sign, indirectly related to his bad experience, will cause an outburst of negativity. And here it is not known who will get it - the foolish women or the cyclists, because “He knows such people!..”
A person with an anal vector values the past more than the present. Therefore, he is inclined to sigh heavily and complain that it was better before: the water is wetter and the tomatoes are tastier. In a dissatisfied state, one tends to perceive the world as degrading. It seems to him that everything is “heading” towards its complete, shameful collapse. Without realizing in a constructive manner his vectorial desire to look for the fly in the ointment, he can hurl abuse at the political system and the people around him.
Irritation and anger are conveyed by people with unrealized skin vectors. If a person’s day is not going well, it will seem to him that everyone around him is slowing down, getting under his feet, and not allowing him to achieve his goal. Wasting his time, money, nerves and other quickly depleted resources is a disastrous idea.
A leather worker who has not realized his potential will utter bouts of envy that overwhelm him, complain about problems with money, how little there is of it and how quickly it disappears. It will broadcast the desire to get everything “for free” and limit everyone around in consumption, from “put it away, it’s for tomorrow” to “no and you can’t!” for any reason.
If a person with a visual vector does not receive sufficient realization of his emotional potential, he may break into hysterics and even emotional blackmail, unexpectedly burst into tears or experience a panic attack. He will be inclined to dramatize any event, make mountains out of molehills, complain about how scary it is to live and, of course, about his health and/or his appearance. Anyone who catches his eye will hear that, due to poor sleep, he has bruises under his eyes again, that night he has terrible nightmares, and is also bothered by wandering pains in the body - here and there - and in general, there is a suspicion of what something terrible! This is how the desire to experience emotions and inspire others to express them is manifested, to receive a portion of attention and sympathy.
People with a sound vector in an unrealized state experience very difficult psychological states. Shortcomings in the sound vector are felt by hatred of life in general and people in particular. Sound people in this state limit contacts to the point of complete loneliness.
The sound artist is often disappointed in people, that no one understands his desires and thoughts, so he tries to keep his troubles to himself. However, if you manage to get him into a sincere conversation, you can hear bitter philosophical reflections about how people are primitive animals, life is long and empty, there is no meaning in anything, and he suffers because he is forced to get up from day to day. beds and participate in this whole farce.
Don't run from a whiner
Say NO! whining in yourself and other people
- So, the main thing is, don’t run, even if the predator lets you go now, in his mind there will be a clear “prey” marker on you, and next time he won’t pass by. You can run away once or twice, citing being busy and urgent matters, but no more, try not to make it look like an excuse.
- Don’t be led, if you feel weak, the whiner will put pressure and test the limits of your tolerance; respond to his actions, but don’t live up to his expectations.
- Don't participate, don't give money, don't borrow, and try not to do business with such people.
- Be polite, remember, politeness is always good! Don’t be rude, remember that swearing and scandalousness play into the predator’s hands; he can use any common memory that you have with a whiner for bait, and very successfully.
HOW TO FIGHT THEM?
In the fight against whiners, everyone goes through several initial stages: 1) denial that the person is a whiner and quarrels with all the insensitive cudgels who call him a whiner; 2) pity for the whiner and naive but noble attempts to help him; 3) the realization that came a few months later that the person really just whines and does nothing to solve his “problems”; 4) the desire to rip his head off every time he opens his mouth.
In order not to rip anyone's head off, after you realize that you can no longer endure it all, show the person that you are not going to become his eternal vest.
1. Try to firmly, but not rudely, advise the person to go to a psychologist
: For the next complaint, hand over the specialist’s business card. Make it clear that you no longer want to listen to his whining, but you still want to help. A real whiner will not go to a psychologist, because he doesn’t really need help, but pity. So there is a chance that the person will take the hint and simply switch to someone other than you.
2. Don't give a whiner the opportunity to whine. Try not to be alone with him.
Then you and the other interlocutor can translate each of his dull sentences into a positive direction. When the whiner tries to insert his pessimistic 5 cents several times in the conversation, and you continue the cheerful conversation, he will give up.
3. If for some reason you cannot exclude communication with a whiner, turn on white noise.
For example, your work colleague with whom you sometimes have lunch may be a whiner. Let him chatter about his grievances and hardships, while you chew your salad, nod periodically and think about unicorns and rainbows.
4. Play a cruel joke on the whiner. When you meet him, start... whining!
And he moaned all day, not letting him get a word in. Let him feel how it feels for you. Maybe this will make him look at his behavior from a different perspective.
5.
Whining is a way of life.
It is almost impossible to correct a whiner. Therefore, if possible, just try to protect yourself from communicating with such people as soon as possible
, before you are dragged headlong into this dull swamp.
Parting words
As I already mentioned, there are a lot of methods, choose or invent, everything is only in your hands, and an unpleasant person, with the right approach, can turn out to be a necessary and interesting person, sometimes you need to “pick off” his shell in order to enjoy the delicious taste.
In any case, you need to “educate” your environment. By creating a reputation for yourself as a person who should not be disturbed by small things, you will win yourself a lot of points and will be able to improve relationships with anyone. Remember that communication is important, it changes the world, builds our society and plays a fundamental role in our lives. Let's change the world for the better! All the best to you and interesting interlocutors!
Tsygvintseva Anastasia · 28 Jul, 2015
Offer to look at the problem from a different angle
In some cases, whiners need to be helped to reframe their situation, according to Center for Leading Organizations managing partner Robert Galford. To do this, the manager can invite the employee to look from a different angle at the problem that the subordinate often points out. “Let’s imagine that your colleague constantly criticizes company policies. In this case, you can explain to him in detail its essence and benefits,” notes Galford. According to him, it is important to move the conversation with the complainant in a constructive direction. To achieve this, you can use phrases like “I suggest you look at this from a different perspective” or “Let’s figure out what the reason for your complaints is.” Sometimes a person needs to look at a problem from a different perspective in order to change his attitude towards it.
Fire the whiner
Competent managers rarely consider dismissal as a way to solve a problem. However, in a situation with a whiner, it is best to act decisively: if you see that after your conversation the employee’s behavior has not changed, then you need to part with him. This is due to the fact that such an employee will not be able to perform his duties productively. Moreover, he will constantly attract the attention of his colleagues and, most likely, will “infect” them with his pessimism, which will immediately affect the work of the department or the entire company. Your delay threatens that you may lose control over your subordinates, and new complainers will begin to appear among them. As a result, you will have to part with not one, but several employees just because you did not show the whiner the door in time.
Don't be mean: how to communicate with a colleague who provokes conflict
Invite them to solve the problem
Some complainants may enter the director's office with ready-made proposals for how to resolve a particular situation. If a person is truly interested in change, then he may have good ideas about it. Unfortunately, most often whiners criticize without offering anything in return. In such a situation, the manager can ask the following questions: “How would you handle this task?” and “You suggest doing something differently. How exactly?" It is possible that employees will be able to independently find a way out of a difficult situation and quickly solve the problem.
