Before we begin to analyze the constant quarrels in the family, let's note that quarrels in general are a completely natural process that arises as a result of people communicating with each other. Quarrels between parents and children, between colleagues, neighbors, fellow travelers. Quarrels are of great importance for the development and formation of interpersonal relationships. Often it is during such a verbal confrontation that controversial issues that prevent the relationship from developing further are settled.
A good quarrel is like shaking out the rug of a relationship with a broom.
Why do family quarrels happen?
People living under the same roof can find a huge variety of reasons for a quarrel: unwashed dishes, socks scattered around the house, correspondence with a colleague, low salary, lack of help around the house, etc.
But there are far fewer reasons for quarrels in the family - those true reasons that push people to raise their voices, snap back, hurl insults and reproaches at the first convenient, often far-fetched, reason. And it is precisely the unresolved, unclear nature of these reasons that poses a particular danger to family relationships.
A quarrel naturally breaks the silence and in a family union of two people who are disappointed in each other acts like opening an abscess - it relieves pain and starts the healing process. Janusz Wisniewski
Let's give an example (a quarrel over money)
: A wife is annoyed by her husband's laziness. He often lies on the sofa for a long time with a smartphone or laptop in his hands, while his wife does household chores. At the same time, since the wife’s salary is less than her husband’s, she does not want to reproach him for idleness. But she gradually gets tired of doing everything alone, because she also gets tired at work.
Irritation accumulates, frequent quarrels arise in the family over issues that the wife really cares little about. For example, she makes scandals for leaving a tube of toothpaste unscrewed, papers scattered on the sofa, leaving the light on at night, etc. The husband, who is unaware of the true reason for his wife’s dissatisfaction, gradually comes to the conclusion that he married a psychopath and hysteric. The family is breaking down. Only a heart-to-heart conversation can save her, during which the wife will finally express her real complaints against her husband.
The above example of behavior is most typical for women. Men, as a rule, are more straightforward, and therefore the reasons and reasons for their quarrels most often either coincide or are very close. For example, when a husband makes a scandal because of his wife’s short skirts (the reason for the quarrel), he is most likely very jealous of her (the reason for the quarrel).
Tips for your wife
In a relationship, the main thing is to be interested in each other's affairs. Ask your spouse how his day was . Don't push his interests into the background. Sometimes you can pamper your beloved one with small gifts. It could be some little thing, a romantic evening, or just a walk around the city at night. Gifts like these bring joy to a relationship, just like the moment they met.
also important to praise your life partner, talk about love, and admire his achievements . Representatives of the stronger sex appreciate it when their chosen ones express pride in them. Even the most stingy men with tenderness will be happy with such manifestations of feelings.
Unfortunately, sometimes people try to make peace too late. If your husband sees a catch in your words, and a delicious dinner seems raw and unsalted to him, perhaps it’s time to think about breaking up. It is worth saving a family when spouses quarrel not because they do not love each other, but only because they cannot contain their emotions.
Why do spouses quarrel?
In addition to the reasons and reasons, a family quarrel has goals:
- The first goal is to prove your superiority in something
. This is a special case, but still it occurs quite often in families. The reasons for this behavior lie not in the behavior of the spouse, but in the person who is starting the quarrel. A certain personality type, a number of unresolved personal psychological problems push the instigator of a quarrel to provoke it. - The second goal is to force the partner to change his point of view
(position, plans, style of behavior). As a rule, such quarrels are based on some materialistic factors. Buy a sofa or not, go to the park or visit your mother-in-law this weekend, hang a chandelier in the living room or make do with wall sconces. Such quarrels are more constructive than those described above if the spouses find a common language in them. - The third goal is to break off family relationships
. When one person is dissatisfied with something in a marriage, is not satisfied with his partner, his appearance, character, behavior, he (with a certain character) will do everything to break up with him. But if there are children in the family, or there are other factors that do not allow them to simply go their separate ways, quarrels will arise again and again until life together turns into a nightmare, the only way out of which is divorce.
Smile more often!
A welcoming smile is diametrically opposed to conflict. In the presence of a good-natured smiling person, others lose the desire to swear and quarrel; rather, an equally friendly attitude arises. The mood is easily conveyed. If you smile at your partner, you can be sure that he will smile back at you. The friendliness and goodwill of one evokes a similar response in the other, relieving tension.
In preparing the article, abstracts from V. Tseluiko’s book “To be together cannot be parted” were used. How to save a relationship"
Quarrels after the birth of a child
The birth of a child for many couples means finding themselves in a long-term stressful situation. How successfully they resolve it will have a strong impact on the existence of their marriage as such. Conventionally, all quarrels over a child in a family can be divided into two large groups.
Quarrels not directly related to the child
In this case, the root of all quarrels will lie in the changed way of life of the family.
Both husband and wife have new responsibilities, free time has become less, new expenses and worries have arisen, and roles have been redistributed. The woman has now become a mother and housewife, the man has become a father and the main breadwinner in the family. Constantly accumulating fatigue, irritation, and anxiety about the health of the newborn will also sooner or later make themselves felt. This means that quarrels are inevitable.
How to minimize them?
We can give one universal piece of advice: be more tolerant of each other
. It’s not easy for both of you now, but this difficult period after the birth of a child will soon pass and it will be replaced by the joy of realizing that you are the parents of a little Miracle, in which there is a piece of both of you.
Quarrels over a child
How often to bathe, how to put her to bed correctly, whether to go for a walk or not, to call the mother-in-law or mother-in-law, what toys to buy, what to wear...
In most families, such issues are decided by the mother. But sometimes dad, often with the active support of his grandmother-in-law, tries to interfere in everything, heating up the situation and bringing confusion into the already difficult life of the new mother. If the grandmother-in-law also intervenes in the conflict, then a full-scale conflict cannot be avoided.
How to resolve this situation?
To begin with, if possible, send both grandmothers home and call an experienced nanny or pediatrician instead.
If you wish, you can do it on your own - rely on your mind and instincts, and they will tell you the answers to most questions. The Internet is also full of forums and sites where you can get information. The main thing is to remember that the husband and wife in this situation are on the same side of the barricade. Let caring for a child unite you, not separate you. Do not argue over trifles, make concessions more often, do not listen to the advice of others if you feel that because of them your family is cracking. Only you yourself are responsible for the future of your marriage, the well-being of which is now urgently needed by another person - your child.
Parents. Models of love
Parents shape their children's future love affairs from birth. The way you grow and the environment in which you develop influence how you perceive, feel and give love.
On the one hand, we learn about love from our parents, on the other hand, this is part of the power that parents receive. Whether we move towards the model of love that we adopted from our parents or move away from it, it is always their model from which we are forced to build.
In one case, a mother instilled in her daughter that she should always have a man in her life. And this forced her to constantly be in relationships, even if they were not healthy. In another family, a young woman was spoiled with gifts from her father as a child and always expected her partners to express their love in the same way. Of course, since the partner was not ready for this, it almost destroyed their relationship.
So the point is that while you can't change the way your parents influenced you as a child, by keeping this in mind you can decide how you will act as an adult to maintain healthy, lasting relationships .
How to resolve a quarrel in the family
To resolve a quarrel, you need to find out its underlying cause. The best option for this is a heart-to-heart conversation. If there are constant quarrels in the family and things have reached an open conflict, you cannot do without a third party who will help you look at the situation from the outside and offer options for its constructive resolution. It is best if the role of this third party is a family psychologist, and not parents or friends. This will ensure a professional approach and impartiality, which is difficult to expect from friends and family.
Discord in the family is like rainwater on a flat roof. One downpour, another, seemingly imperceptibly, but the water keeps accumulating and accumulating; and one day the roof will collapse on your head. Salman Rushdie
If quarrels are isolated and do not cause significant damage to family relationships, then there may be several options for resolving them. See below.
Adjust to your partner
There are people who themselves are quite conflicted, although not with malicious intent. This is their character. As psychologists say, excitation mechanisms prevail over inhibition mechanisms. Usually these are choleric people. Yelling at a partner because of some little thing is quite in the spirit of such people. At the same time, they can sincerely love their soul mate. If this is your case, then you will have to come to terms with your spouse’s bad character and stop paying attention to changes in his mood.
Find out the true cause of the quarrels
As we already said in the first part of the article, it is necessary to distinguish between the reasons and reasons for quarrels. If you feel like you're constantly irritating your partner with something, but you can't figure out what exactly, find out, by all means. Sometimes you can try to take a roundabout route - talk to your partner's friends or girlfriends, his or her parents, brothers or sisters. In a word, those people whom he trusts and talks about his difficulties. They are usually aware of things and can open your eyes to the true reasons for dissatisfaction.
To push back
Quarrelsome people usually remain so in marriage. As the relationship cools down, they grumble, whine, and make scandals more and more often. The only chance to maintain peace in such a family is to make it clear to your spouse that this trick will not work with you. That you will not tolerate his (her) whining, nagging, endless remarks. Stand firm in your position. Having encountered such behavior on your part, the whiner and grouch will leave you alone and go look for another object to attack.
Don't get involved in a fight
This option is good if your partner loves you and, by and large, everything about you suits him, but at the same time he cannot end up in quarrels.
The true reason for this behavior will lie outside of family relationships. For example, nervous work, a difficult schedule, having sick parents, unsuitable climate, etc. That is, the reason and reasons for the quarrels will also be different, but the reason will not be in you. If you cannot influence her in any way, then the best way to maintain peace in the family is not to get involved in quarrels:
- Do you get reprimanded because your soup is cold? Warm it up silently.
- Do they blame you for dirty windows? Wash them.
- Blamed for idleness? Do something.
Of course, this behavior requires a lot of effort, and only you can decide whether it is worth it or not.
Bad habits
In addition to the fact that bad habits such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. destroy health and relationships, they slowly and surely ruin the family. Read the topic: 20+ simple habits that will make you richer and more successful 16 habits of the poor What would you change if you could go back 10-20 years? Reader Poll Results!
How to save a relationship after a quarrel
First of all, answer yourself the question, do you want to maintain such a relationship?
If constant quarrels in the family have long become a habit, and you can only communicate with your spouse in a raised voice, something needs to change. Divorce may be one of the not worst ways out of this situation. If, despite everything, you want to maintain the relationship, then you can try to do it on your own or with the help of a family psychologist.
Methods of reconciliation
On the one hand, it’s as easy as shelling pears to improve relationships after a quarrel: buy a cake, ask for forgiveness (only sincerely!), sit over tea, remember the good moments of your life together - that’s it, the conflict is over.
On the other hand, it can be difficult: if the problem occurs again and again; if the one with whom the scandal occurred is a vulnerable and overly sensitive person; if your guilt is enormous, it’s not a fact that they will forgive you for the cake or even agree to communicate. How then can you make peace?
- Wait until all parties to the conflict have calmed down.
- Don't bring up the argument again. On the contrary, distract with other conversations.
- Make jokes (only in a kind way).
- Go somewhere together.
- Ask for advice (even on small things) - this will show the person that you value their opinion.
- Give a gift he/she can't refuse.
And most importantly, correct yourself and don’t make the same mistakes. Take into account what you were told in an argument. Of course, a lot was thrown out of passion, but you probably caught the essence of the conflict and claims against you personally. If you are not required to betray your faith or abandon your own parents (this also happens), picking up your child from kindergarten or taking out the trash can in the evening is still within your power.
The requirement to see each other often
Couples need time to be alone and strengthen their relationship, especially if they work. However, this valuable time may be invaded by parents who decide to take over your care. For example, if you live nearby, your partner's mother may start bringing groceries or prepared meals to your house every few days, or her father may show up unannounced to fix a leak in the sink he saw last time. Either way, you just can't get rid of them. They may appear on odd days and odd hours when you're really preoccupied with intimacy issues.
So why do parents do this? This is a manifestation of overprotection and the need to be close. They would like to monitor your relationship, or prevent certain things from happening in your relationship, such as frequent sex. Whatever their reason for hanging up, this intrusiveness can be extremely annoying. Not feeling like you have enough freedom can make you feel suffocated, and this may be enough to make you want to leave the relationship.
