You are furious: your loved one has done something wrong again and... behaves as if nothing had happened! Ah well? And a scandal is about to break out... Wait, it’s not that simple. Let's start with the fact that a man who feels guilty will do everything possible so that you never guess about it! Forcing a man to ask for forgiveness is pointless.
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Do you want to see the sincere repentance of your loved one? Stock up on tact and patience, and also learn to recognize special men’s “apologetic” techniques.
As a rule, it is not the man’s act itself, but precisely his refusal to discuss his “wrongdoing” that leads to serious conflicts. If he admitted that he was wrong, we would immediately forgive him. It is important for us to hear the sacramental “forgive me,” but the words are not spoken, and the resentment becomes even stronger and deeper. We accuse a man of callousness and indifference (“You don’t care about me”) and feel rejected. In addition, as long as there are no apologies, the end to the quarrel has not been set and it is impossible to forget it.
“Cases when a woman cannot let go of long-standing grievances are just from this series. Yes, he was guilty, he knew about it, but did not express remorse, even though you directly told him: “I need you to just ask for forgiveness,” psychologist Svetlana Ievleva explains the situation.
Why is this happening? The answer is simple and complex at the same time.
First, to men, apologies seem like a sign of weakness. By apologizing, a woman seems to get another opportunity to show her best qualities - tolerance, gentleness, generosity, and this, you see, is always pleasant. Men who experience feelings of guilt, as well as compassion or shame, categorically do not like themselves: they often perceive such emotions as a sign of weakness. Well, don’t show it to your beloved woman, after all!
Secondly, men are practically not prone to empathy. Therefore, your loved one often cannot even imagine that you are not just “sulking”, but actually suffering because of his inattention or thoughtless words.
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Read also: 5 female phrases that destroy relationships
And thirdly, men simply do not know how to ask for forgiveness. There is nothing strange about this: they rarely ask for forgiveness, so how can they learn to do it correctly?! What seems completely natural to us women is a huge problem for them. At the same time, men understand perfectly well: it is necessary to send some kind of conciliatory signal. And sometimes they do it in rather strange ways...
Representatives of the stronger sex have a whole arsenal of means to achieve forgiveness without a formal “excuse me”
Fatal mistake
Not every woman thinks about how to teach her husband a lesson for disrespect. The fact is that representatives of the fairer sex are accustomed to adapting to different situations. To adversity in life as well. In addition, our women, due to the peculiarities of their mentality, are much more patient than elsewhere. It is not surprising that they are so simply and easily ready to accept humiliation and insults from a man, slowly getting used to them. And this, of course, is their fatal mistake.
By insulting and humiliating his wife, throwing nasty things at her, the husband deals a painful blow to her psyche. Even if she endures all this, it will not bring anything good. But the worst thing is that each time these attacks “take an upward course.” If initially this was the only rude word, then over time there will be a dozen of them. And then blows may follow. As a result, a woman cannot realize herself in life, hobbies, work, or feel joy and love. She can only expect further attacks every day.
What is the reason?
So, let's act! How to teach your husband a lesson for disrespect? The advice of psychologists may be different, but all experts unanimously say that it is necessary to identify the essence of what is happening, the reason for such behavior.
In most cases, women believe that the reason lies in themselves. Either they “didn’t have time” for something, or they “didn’t do it,” or they “didn’t please.” Either they are “bad mothers,” or “bad cooks,” or “unkind wives.” In fact, this is not the case at all. These are just reasons for the spouse to find fault and throw out his negativity. The real reason lies in the fact that the husband is sadistic in this couple on purpose. He takes pleasure in humiliating the weak. It is impossible to confuse a sadist with any other person. We are all human, of course. Everyone can sometimes swear and be rude. However, in the case of a sadist, everything is completely different. His insults are filled with horrific filth. The vocabulary contains expressions intended not just to call a person, but to offend, cause pain, and humiliate.
Why is it important for a man to apologize first?
Ideally, the one who is at fault should apologize first. But most women, under the pressure of circumstances, their own emotionality and male pride, are the first to make contact and, wanting to make peace, ask for forgiveness just like that, for the quarrel that took place. A man who was wrong, but did not apologize, and even received one from the injured party, begins to feel his power. Realizing that he can do bad things and offend a woman and get away with it, he loses respect for her and does what he pleases. That is why you should not allow such a situation to happen and never apologize first if he is to blame.
How can I get him to apologize himself, and is it necessary?
Taking into account the above goals, we suggest that every time you want to force your husband to apologize, use the following algorithm for understanding what happened:
- Your husband did something wrong from your point of view - is it fundamentally important for you that he act differently?
- If it is important for you that he act differently, can you clearly and logically explain to him why he is wrong?
- He agreed with your logic - do you really need phrases of apology in this case?
- You gave logical evidence, but he doesn't agree with it. For example, he is satisfied with the current result of his actions, or he sees another way to solve problems, etc. So, he is also an independent person who has the right to his own opinion. Can you get along with a person who has this opinion and is not going to change it?
- If you can and want to remain his wife further, leave your spouse alone and recognize his right to act in his own way. If you can’t, your husband’s reasoning and actions are fundamentally unacceptable to you - so maybe you’re not a couple?..
Conspiracy to restore friendship
Relationships can also ruin friendships between long-time girlfriends and friends. To restore friendship, take 3 white strips of paper, write your names, and leave the third for writing bad words that have arisen between you, for example, anger, anger, resentment. Take the last piece of paper in your hands and say:
“An evil witch passed between us, a black cat ran past, evil turned us against each other, turned friendship into enmity, and prevented us from understanding each other, preventing us from hugging each other. Now I break that evil, destroy that enmity, forget that insult forever. Peace and friendship will return to us again, our eyes will turn to each other.”
Be sure to burn these words, and put the pieces of paper with your names in a dark place. You can take them out only in case of a new quarrel. Reconciliation itself will not keep you waiting long. The friend will write the words of repentance first.
How to make your husband ask for forgiveness
If your spouse has committed an act that is too unsightly, where a downcast gaze and coffee brought to bed in the morning will not be enough, then there is one way to make him apologize. Men do not like conversations, and when their partner is overwhelmed with emotions, they strive to self-destruct as quickly as possible. Therefore, if a woman wants to achieve her goal, she will have to turn off her feelings for a while and turn on constructiveness.
Whether he wants it or not, a man’s brain, which loves logic and restraint, will hear his wife’s constructive comments, especially if they are replete with evidence and examples without getting personal. In this case, you will need to calmly and confidently explain why certain of his behavior or actions are unacceptable, how and in what ways they insult you as a woman. Next, you should leave him alone for a while. As practice shows, sooner or later this approach to business gives the desired result, and the man apologizes.
A splash of negativity
Under no circumstances should you accumulate or suppress resentment. They accumulate in you, and at one point there will be an overflow followed by an explosion, after which you will not just want to take revenge or rein him in, but do something worse. It is best to calm down and try to understand the situation.
Need to understand:
- Did your partner actually want to insult or disrespect you? If he flared up because of a bad or difficult day, the phrase was released without intent against the background of emotional stress. It's not because he really wanted to offend you. It is better to pretend that nothing happened than to turn everything into a serious conflict.
- If the phrase really struck a chord with you and you want to punish your husband. It’s better to talk to him before this and try to explain what doesn’t suit you, that such communication is not acceptable.
Important! Almost every woman who is offended by her husband begins to nag his brain over a trifle, which provokes a conflict. Try to avoid quarrels over trifles. Learn to distinguish between real grievances and words and actions that did not contain malicious intent.
Why do you need your husband to apologize?
It is clear that the thought “If only he would come up and apologize, he’s wrong!!” occurs first in very different situations. But we suggest that you not be guided by the first emotional impulse, but think about what you really want from your husband:
- So that he understands that his point of view is wrong, the action plan is ineffective, etc., and never acts in the same way again?
- So that you can make peace and live on in love and harmony?
- Or - so that he sees how offended and dissatisfied you are, comes up, apologizes and asks for your forgiveness (on your terms, of course)?
So, each of these goals (except for the third - to “beat” phrases of apology out of the husband) can be achieved without the indispensable ritual of asking for forgiveness.
You can also prove to your husband that his logic is wrong using logic, or by showing with a real example how and what, etc. Men generally respect much more when they are spoken to in the language of reason rather than emotion.
Perhaps the “victory of reason” will not entail a stormy apology, but in any case, the husband will see that he acted illogically and will act differently next time. Has your goal been achieved or do you want something else?
Oh yes, you're offended. Do you want love and harmony?
In general, the simplest and always accessible option is to spit on the evidence of your rightness and continue to live peacefully, unless something completely unacceptable for you has happened and fundamentally requires dotting the i's. Simply - forgive your husband. This is really much simpler and in 99% of cases more correct than thinking about how to force an offending spouse to apologize.
Inattention
Next method. How to teach your husband a lesson for disrespect? An effective method, the opposite of the one described above, is inattention on your part. If your husband doesn’t see how you try to please him and forgets about important dates, naturally, this is very offensive. However, do not shout or swear. Just keep quiet. He will definitely remember everything he forgot about.
Let's say your husband promised to be back for dinner. Without warning, he goes with friends to a cafe or bar. Do the same to him in revenge. Let him feel like he is in your place.
Has your spouse stopped thanking you for the food you prepared? Think fried potatoes are ordinary? Stop cooking for him altogether. Leave several times without breakfast, lunch or dinner.
Constantly talking about how you are doing nothing while sitting at home? Why endure slander? Sit at the computer or sit in front of the TV. Don't actually do anything. Let him know what it's like.
Do you want to teach your husband a lesson because he claims that you are “resting” on maternity leave? Leave it with your baby all day. Well, have a shopping day with your friends or visit a spa. It is unlikely that after this he will be able to say that caring for a child is simple and easy.
Question to a psychologist: how to forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness
Online consultationConflictRelationshipsAnnoyanceFamilyEmotions
Initially, this question was asked on the psychologist’s online consultation page, but it interested me so much that I decided to post it as a separate material, rather than leave it to languish there among the others.
The fact is that the topic raised by the author of the letter, on the one hand, is often encountered in everyday ordinary life, and on the other hand, it may be associated with certain personality characteristics, and therefore requires special treatment.
Question for a psychologist: how to forgive someone who does not consider himself wrong?
So, here is the letter (name changed):
“My name is Alexey, I’m 38 years old, 15 of them married, I’m raising a son with my wife, he’s 12.
Tell me how to learn to forgive a person if he does not ask for forgiveness. The fact is that my wife never apologizes, does not admit her mistakes, does not admit that she is wrong either in arguments, or in life, or in communication, and never expresses regret about her actions. In quarrels, she is extremely rarely the first to reconcile. If she is convinced of something, then none of my arguments will influence her opinion. Even if over time she realizes that she was mistaken, she will not admit it out loud, the topic simply drops out of the discussion.
He doesn’t consider this a problem, he calls it his psychological feature. How to learn to forgive her, let go of resentment, and not hold a grudge against her. Thank you. Regards, Alexey."
Why doesn't a person ask for forgiveness?
The most important reason: a person does not ask for forgiveness because he does not consider himself wrong . Sometimes it happens that both are right. And both are wrong. And both are partly right and wrong. If you adhere to the “EITHER-OR” idea, that is, “I’m right, you’re wrong,” then such an approach will immediately affect the deterioration of relationships.
It is much more constructive to try to stay within the framework of the idea “And”: could it be that in a specific conflict situation, BOTH Alexei was right, AND his wife? If you stop and think for a moment, you will find that this is most likely true. Everyone has their own truth. Then there is nothing to ask for forgiveness for, because you have your own position, to which you have every right, even if someone does not agree with it.
What to do: try to discard the idea “I’m right - you’re wrong.” The world (and relationships) are much more complex; they are not described by two opposite poles.
You should not expect that the other should ask for forgiveness because that is what you want from him. Don't expect him to realize he was wrong in order for you to forgive him. Should not; and forgiveness is your business.
There's a great saying: Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
Maybe the person is a narcissist?
There is another reason: narcissistic personality traits or even narcissistic personality disorder . It occurs very rarely, despite the fact that this reason has been widely circulated on the near-psychological Internet.
I think that by labeling a person “narcissist,” it becomes easier to explain the existing difficulties in a relationship and even partially relieve oneself of responsibility for them. Like, he (she) is a pronounced narcissist, so all the problems come from him (her), and therefore I wash my hands of it. You can also do the opposite: find several narcissistic traits in yourself, and then take the position “I am a pronounced narcissist, so I will not solve any problems and wash my hands of them, solve them yourself.”
However, there is a reason associated with narcissism. Indeed, a person with such traits is not able to admit that he is wrong, is not able to understand and, accordingly, admit that he has made mistakes. I won’t go into explaining why this is so - it’s too long and too much to type.
Other options are possible with other traits from personality disorders, options with hypercontrol are possible, and so on. In any case, this situation is already beyond the scope where a second person can influence or “cure” a person. This is the task of the psychotherapist.
What to do: Treat it like a physical limitation. If, for example, a person does not have legs, then he cannot walk. He needs help in certain situations. And no one will ever complain to him that he cannot use the treadmill on which the rest of his family members are quite vigorously training.
Yes, living with a person with disabilities is difficult and requires a lot of patience, acceptance and prioritization. But in the case of personality disorders - or the presence of such traits - you need to understand that a person does not feel his mistakes not because he DOES NOT WANT, and he does not do this to spite you. He just can't. It's as if he doesn't have a special muscle to do that. Lower your expectations, in general.
Forgiveness is for you, not for him/her
There are several important things to understand well:
- Forgiving a person does not require that he ask for it.
- If you forgive a person, this does not mean that you have forgotten everything or that everything has been reset. You may still have feelings about the situation.
- Forgiving a person is important for you , not for him. You don't have to forgive. But if you forgive, your life will be easier. You can finally unhook from the past and concentrate on the present.
- To forgive, you don't need to know exactly why you were offended.
- Forgiveness goes hand in hand with acceptance . If you accept that the other person may be different, then there is no need to forgive him.
- There is no need to tell the person that you have forgiven him.
- Forgiveness does not mean that all problems in your relationship are solved , and you can relieve yourself of responsibility.
In other words, forgiveness is your own internal process that is not related to the other person. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that happened and understanding how you should now live on: work on your relationship with this person? to change yourself? do nothing?
If you don't want to forgive
Forgiveness is only possible if you want to do it. You can understand whether you want it or not after the wave of initial strong emotions has subsided. If you don't want to, then think about why?
- Maybe you like to be angry - in general or at this person in particular?
- Maybe this allows you to feel like you are the master of the situation, more important and stronger?
- Maybe you like to feel like a victim?
- Don't know what to do next?
- Are you afraid that after you forgive, you will have to restore the relationship or, on the contrary, you will lose it?
Try to understand your reluctance to forgive. You may discover something new about yourself: your needs, feelings, or how you handle your boundaries, for example.
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