How long does adolescence last?
Conventionally, adolescence begins at 10–13 years of age and lasts until 21 years of age.
It is divided into three stages. Early is “the most unbearable,” according to the psychotherapist. Children have new needs, they are already “big”, but they don’t understand how to deal with it. Boys become like Neanderthals, awkward, clumsy. They are rude and want to be left alone. Girls, in turn, begin to be afraid and ashamed of everything, including themselves. The second stage begins at the age of 16 and proceeds more easily. The teenager already senses reality, but tries to adapt it to himself. The third stage, aka youth. According to Loktionova, only during this period does a teenager come to terms with real life and begin to take responsibility for his actions.
Don't ignore your children's negative feelings
Some parents make the mistake of trying to ignore their children's negative feelings in the hope that they will go away. This rarely happens with emotions. Negative feelings dissipate when children can talk about their emotions, name them, and feel understood.
Tip: Catch your child’s negative feelings as early as possible, before they reach a critical point and trigger a crisis. If your five-year-old is nervous about an upcoming trip to the dentist, it's better to address that fear the day before the appointment rather than wait until he sits in the dentist's chair and throws a tantrum. By addressing feelings before they become intense, you can practice listening and problem-solving skills.
What goes on in the minds of teenagers?
The key to understanding a teenager lies in the changes that occur in his head. Biologically, the brain consists of the lower part and the outer part - the cerebral cortex. For a younger student they are in balance. During adolescence, a “volcanic eruption” begins in the subcortical layers. There was a flat landscape, and then “magma” rises, new structures. The subcortical centers begin to attract all the attention because they begin to serve the maturing hormonal system.
“The difficulty of adolescence is that the cerebral hemispheres are being rebuilt; they seem to be closed for repairs. Logic, arguments, beliefs, cause-and-effect relationships - all this is not clear to teenagers. They live on an emotional level,” said the psychotherapist.
Visible conduct disorder
Mental patients, being in a state of acute psychosis, may incorrectly perceive the environment, or not perceive it at all. They can act solely under the influence of the “voices” or delusional ideas that sound inside them, simply sweeping away from their path everything that interferes with the implementation of their plans. Getting in the way of such a patient can be deadly.
A person’s behavior may not correspond to accepted standards for a number of other reasons, from alcohol, medication or drug intoxication to an acute affective reaction.
People who behave aggressively, strangely, or outlandishly for many years typically have either severe personality pathology or a severe mental disorder that alters their perception of the world, thinking, and/or behavior. And this is the case when the presence of mental problems is obvious. However, this is not always the case.
Why do teenagers react so strongly to criticism?
Due to the changes that occur in the head of adolescents, emotional pain centers are exposed. Loktionova gave the example of a comparison that was picked up by Françoise Dolto. According to a French psychoanalyst, the teenager is like a lobster during molting: he has just lost his shell and needs to grow a new one. At this moment, all sorts of dangers await him.
“Teenagers must survive this difficult period like lobsters. Therefore, the family should become a safe place where he can survive this time without fear of “predators” and build up this new “chitinous cover,” that is, wait for the formation of the cerebral hemispheres,” the psychotherapist advised.
Continuing the theme of comparing teenagers and lobsters, she said that pain awaits any teenager, he will definitely get “burned.” The psychotherapist remembered that there used to be an initiation rite for teenagers.
“The boys had to deal with pain, but there was always a mentor who knew how this process should happen and what its benefits were for the teenager,” Loktionova said.
It is important to understand why you, as a parent, cause pain. For example, why do you ask your child to put down his cell phone? If you want to have a traditional dinner at this time with the whole family, then this is a good idea.
Self-knowledge = species-knowledge
By comprehending oneself through the study of system-vector psychology, recognizing the structure of one’s own psyche, the mechanisms of desires and the stages of their development, the sound artist for the first time lifts the veil of the hidden unconscious. The most desirable and tasty! But only now, plunging into himself, the sound artist unexpectedly encounters not himself at all, not Vasya, but his own species.
For the first time in his life, he becomes able to justify with his heart not just himself, but all of humanity, is able to feel the psyche of another in himself as his own.
Recognizing others by vectors, understanding their psyche, he does not feel hostility, he sees others in himself, he feels the whole species in one person.
By understanding others, he begins to understand himself.
Understanding others, he does not require them to understand him.
Understanding others, he finds the meaning of life, feels the matrix, sees the complete picture of the world through space and time.
It's filling up!
And it is precisely this state of comprehension, deep and complete understanding of the existence of a species, the ways of world perception, attitude and worldview of people with different vectors, living and performing a common task, that gives the sound artist an inexpressible feeling of joy from receiving answers to unasked questions. The problem “nobody understands me” dissolves in the ocean of his own insight.
Now he knows why he was considered strange, why it was so difficult for him to get up in the morning, but it was easy to work past midnight, why his mother always screamed, but never reached him, what weighed on him all his life and did not let him go for a minute. Systematically, it becomes clear to him which pair is right for him, which type of activity is closest to his psyche, which clues and anchors from childhood made themselves felt for many years, where thoughts about death came from in his head. And it’s amazing why he didn’t like these amazing creatures - people - so much before. After all, before he didn’t know what to talk to them about, how to behave so as not to seem strange again, and why he should have done it - there was no such desire.
What changed? Intention.
Previously, a protective wall was immediately built, but now a barrier is not needed. There is no hostility, no fear, no suspicion. Only surprise and admiration for this world, people, society - this is simply a unique self-organizing system that lives according to clear laws of development of the collective psyche. From a stone ax to a spaceship, from intercourse to sensual sex and love, from “how to survive at all costs” to “how to survive for all of humanity.”
Understanding these laws, observing them in life, being part of this process and realizing the importance of one’s own contribution to the common future is a sound pleasure. A new challenge for abstract intelligence, a new search for answers, but now only having a specific direction, a vector for the application of thoughts, a goal, a well-lit path
The next round of human development depends on the sound vector; the coming new phase of development can only come in conditions of a more developed sound vector than today. While the sound guy concentrates on himself, drowning in egocentrism and replacing reality with virtual games, narcotic dope, and continues to complain that no one understands him, without even trying to understand anyone else, we will mark time. The power of desire will grow with each new generation, and there will be nothing to fill it with.
Nature itself pushes the sound vector towards development - through suffering, bad conditions, depression, sociopathy, drug addiction, etc. But suffering is the wrong path. Realization of properties brings pleasure. Only in a positive state can a satisfied desire give birth to a new one - doubled, intensified - and therefore predetermine further search, further work, more complex implementation, giving stronger pleasure.
Only a happy person is capable of development.
To suffer or to develop, to wait for understanding from others or to begin to understand the whole world - the choice is now yours.
Proofreader: Galina Rzhannikova
How can parents communicate with teenagers without giving advice?
During the child's adolescence, the parent must become a submissive listener if the child makes contact. A teenager needs to be shown compassion and empathy. There is no need to explain anything right away, no need to tell how everything happened in adolescence with the parent himself.
“You can say: “I understand you approximately.” Maybe this is similar to (name an incident from your youth)?” If the child agrees, then you can remember the incident and say: “I felt so bad, but such and such helped me. Is the same thing happening to you now?”, the psychotherapist gave an example.
Be prepared for resistance
Even if the feelings really are over, the partner may not admit it right away. Firstly, he himself needs time to realize and accept everything. Secondly, he may be afraid of hurting you, so he will begin to deny everything: “No, you don’t understand everything correctly, I love you very much!” A person can explain coldness, closedness and detachment by fatigue or other reasons.
It is extremely important here not to argue or turn the conversation into a battle. You cannot look into another person's heart and head and know what is really going on there. Therefore, now your main task is to convey to your partner that you are very concerned.
How to help a teenager who doesn't ask for help?
“I often encounter parental confusion. It seems they don’t ask for help; on the contrary, they even say: “Go away, don’t touch me,” the psychotherapist said.
Tatyana Lazareva confirmed this. According to her, each of the three children in adolescence often said: “Mom, that’s enough!” Loktionova explained the meaning of this phrase from the lips of a teenager.
“Everything that happens outside directly, without processing by the cerebral hemispheres, affects the emotional pain center of the teenager. Any sidelong glance, any condemnation hits this center. If a teenager hears a piece of morality in your phrase, the child will identify this as alienation. Then the child says: “Mom, that’s enough.” But he says this not to his mother, but to the pain that he is currently experiencing,” said the psychotherapist.
Double Focus
Silence and solitude give the sound artist the opportunity to concentrate; these are the conditions that are optimal for the work of sound thought.
For an anal sound specialist, the analytical type of thinking allows one to systematize information as it becomes available. He “lays everything out on the shelves” in order to use the necessary data at the right time, dives deeply into the subject of study, tries to take into account all the details and draw reasoned conclusions.
Phenomenal memory, inherent only to a representative of the anal vector, makes it possible to store large amounts of information in the mind, remember and recreate a sequence of thoughts, form cause-and-effect relationships and compare a wide variety of data with each other.
The abstract thinking of the sound engineer and the systematic analytical approach of the owner of the anal vector create an almost ideal basis for the application of these properties in science. The perfectionism of the bearer of the anal vector, his desire to bring any task to completion, combined with a sound search for answers, the need to understand, realize and get to the bottom of the essence, to the causes and origins - those properties that are inherent in the most brilliant scientists who dared to put forward the most daring hypotheses and provide the most convincing evidence of his rightness, such as Max Planck, Albert Einstein, Niels Bohr, Pyotr Kapitsa and many other geniuses of science.
Teenagers stay up late and have a hard time getting up. Why?
Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the brain, but also for the whole body. Therefore, a teenager can often feel like a squeezed lemon at the end of the day.
“The body changes, it shakes. Such earthquakes occur inside. The bones grow, the vessels cannot keep up with them, and the nerve pathways cannot keep up with the vessels. Therefore, the daily routine and physical activity regimen are very important,” the psychotherapist noted.
No teenager likes to go to bed early. Moreover, closer to night, when homework is done, the most active communication on social networks begins. In this matter, parents need to set boundaries and ask the child to go to bed at a specific time.
“You can say, ‘You still have five minutes. Write the most important words. Finish communicating with the most important people.” In this way, we give a guideline and ask them to go to bed on time,” explained Loktionova.
It turns out that it is from 22.00 to 1.00 that the process of myelination occurs in the body of a teenager. This is the formation of a sheath around the processes of nerve cells.
“Teenagers’ sleep patterns are really disrupted. They don't want to sleep at all. But this is not so because their social networks excite them. The reason is that the brain is not yet myelinated, there is no need to form these membranes. Therefore, our task is to help the child form the habit of going to bed early,” said the psychotherapist.
Ideally, a teenager should sleep 10–11 hours. Obviously, on school days this is not always possible: children do homework late into the night, and you need to get up early to get to class without traffic jams. In this case, at least on weekends, the teenager should sleep as much as he wants, Loktionova noted.
Analyze the situation
Try to separate your feelings and fears from the facts. What really happened? What in your partner’s behavior indicates that he has cooled off towards you? Are there any real signs?
Let's say he objectively spends less time with you: you used to talk every evening after work and watch TV series together on Fridays, but now this has faded away. Or your partner has stopped hugging you and showing sexual interest. Or he became irritated and rude, which was not the case before. Or he often disappears somewhere without explaining the reasons, hiding his phone when you enter the room.
Such an analysis will help you figure out whether there really are alarm bells or whether you just imagined it. In addition, specific facts will be useful to you when talking with your partner.
How to get your child away from gadgets?
The only way to get a teenager to put down the gadget is to offer him a more exciting activity. It is important to realize that children constantly see phones in their parents’ hands and do not understand when adults ask them to put them away. For what?
“I can take away gadgets from children only if I am able to offer something in return. Just say to Antonina: “Tosya, put down the phone, get out of Instagram?” I said, of course, but it doesn't work. You can talk as much as you like. It's the same as you taking his life. It doesn’t matter if she says: “Mom, jump off the balcony now.” How's that? This is his life, and you are taking it away,” Lazareva said about how she tried to resolve the issue with gadgets with her 13-year-old daughter.
But if a child breaks some family traditions (for example, does not go to dinner with the whole family), but instead sits on the phone, you need to be tough. It is important to explain that there are unshakable rules, just like the fact that the sun rises and sets every day, the psychotherapist explained. In the same way, at exactly 18.00, the whole family sits down to dinner and, without phones, discusses the past day, for example. Norms that are repeated day after day are important, as they provide support, Loktionova noted.
The psychotherapist recalled that teenagers always react with hostility to parental demands. She explained exactly how to ask a teenager for something to increase the chances of consent.
“Do you know how to distinguish whether you are asking or demanding? Very simple! If you demand inside and only pretend to ask, then when the child refuses, you will get angry and say: “Well, you can’t ask for anything.” And if you ask, then you admit the possibility of refusal. Then you will think: “Refused? Well, okay, next time, maybe he’ll agree,” said the psychotherapist.
Take a break
Yes, it's very difficult. But if you emotionally express your suspicions to your partner, then it will not be good for you or him. What if your intuition lets you down and the person has other reasons for detachment: problems at work, fatigue, bad mood? There may simply not be enough strength to show love and care.
In these cases, complaints will definitely not strengthen the relationship. So it’s better to breathe out and do nothing for at least a couple of days. Keep yourself busy with work or, conversely, with relaxation: meet with friends, take a walk, go on a short trip. Let your emotions cool down a little, this will help you look at what is happening more soberly.
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