Infidelity is all too common in our modern world and is enough to sink a marriage, even a strong one. The root of the word unbelief indicates its terrible power - it comes from the Latin word fides, meaning faith.
Faith is an incredibly fragile thing. When trust in a spouse is broken, it is very destructive to a marriage. Restoring a marital relationship after infidelity is a rather long and labor-intensive process. But it's vital to restore them if you hope to save your marriage. But, what is the best way to do this?
Be careful after your husband finds out about cheating
First, be careful about what you say and do in the first emotional days and weeks after your spouse finds out about your infidelity. You will both be angry, scared, upset. You will blame and defend yourself. In this state, you simply cannot have an honest, calm and open conversation.
Your spouse may be under extreme stress after discovering the deception. Now is not the time to try to explain anything or make any promises.
The best thing you can do during these first difficult days is to reassure your spouse that the affair is over. If you are really determined to save your marriage, then it is better, of course, to end the relationship on the side.
What to do
Let's consider step by step the necessary rules and actions that can regain your husband's trust.
Don't try to relieve the pain caused by the act.
There is no need to soften the situation. Your chosen one wants to know what really happened. Women are capable of subconsciously downplaying the scale of the tragedy and lying without noticing it.
The husband will notice this. Some information may generally appear some time later. Don’t try to avoid the topic of betrayal; it’s better to pull yourself together and overcome this unpleasant stage. Give your husband the opportunity to experience pain and resentment. Time will help soften the blow and restore trust in your husband.
Tell the whole truth and even a little more
You were caught red-handed, and from now on you are doomed to tell only the truth. Don’t lie to your loved one, because you need to rehabilitate yourself in front of him.
According to psychologists, you will restore relationships only with the help of sincerity and transparency. Don't skimp on the little things. If you want to go to a club with a friend, warn your significant other. No need to come up with another place. The husband will feel the lie, and if such a trifle comes up and again destroys the newly built piece of trust, it will be offensive.
Don't go on the attack
It is very difficult to overcome the desire to attack your husband and start remembering all his sins. Your desire to defend yourself is understandable, but the slogan “the best defense is an attack” does not work here. This will just make the situation even worse.
Your man’s self-esteem and dignity are infringed; he expects understanding and respect, not attacks.
Don't try to justify yourself, rather work to correct the situation. You will have to endure your husband’s anger - it is understandable and natural. If you want to preserve your love, refrain from making hateful comments and comparisons.
Abandon the roles of defendant and prosecutor
Life is not a theater; you should not play the role of prosecutor and defendant. This pattern of behavior will make the situation worse. Let go of the situation by learning a lesson from it. Better focus your energy on regaining the trust of your other half. It is important that the husband also strives not to cross the forbidden line. You can understand a betrayed partner, but he shouldn't constantly blame you.
Don't drag other people in
We are not talking about a professional psychotherapist, but about children, girlfriends, boyfriend’s parents or your old acquaintances. The conflict occurred purely between you; there is no need for an outsider to interfere.
The responsibility for your decision to continue the relationship lies solely with you.
The result will be especially painful when children are involved. You are adults, and also parents, so act wisely and protect your offspring from unnecessary injuries.
Give your partner more access
To give your partner a sense of security, give him access to social networks or a phone. This strategy helps a man relax and regain some of his confidence. Later he will understand that you have nothing to hide.
No need to tell details
You must give your spouse time to cool down. You also need to give yourself time to analyze the situation.
Your spouse may want to know the details of your affair - who the other person is, what his name is, where he lives, how old he is, what he does, where you met, and so on. Just tell your partner that you did have an affair, but don't go into gory details about the person you cheated on your spouse with.
Because it can lead to ugly fights and clashes. You don't want your spouse to look for this person, do you?
TRAPS FOR CHEATERS
Former deceivers encounter difficulties along the way. Even if they sincerely want to be honest, they may fall into one of these.
- Passive truthfulness.
If their partner suspects them of something, they may confess, but not tell the whole truth, believing that the details could worsen the relationship or cause pain. - Partial truth.
The truth is presented in a soft form. - Playing the role of a child.
The deceiver waits for his partner to “pull” the truth out of him. If he doesn’t insist, he doesn’t say anything. - Understatement.
He tries to be honest, but plays down or leaves out unpleasant details so as not to hurt his partner. - Enabling a defensive or offensive reaction.
The former cheater tells his partner the truth. He gets angry and indignant. Then the deceiver “backs up” and begins to make excuses or, conversely, reacts aggressively and begins to blame the partner for all sins. - Expectation of immediate forgiveness.
The former cheater tells only the truth and demands that his partner forgive him. However, the time that each of us needs to survive betrayal is individual.
If even your honesty could not convince your partner that you can be trusted, radical measures remain. You can install tracking programs on your phone: this way, your partner can not only find out where you are, but also monitor your movements and activity on the Internet. Provide access to your computer and bank account. Full transparency can restore trust.
Robert Weiss
– psychiatrist, author of the books “Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction”, HCI, 2015), “Exit out of the shadows: a step-by-step relationship-saving guide for men caught cheating” (“Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating”, HCI, 2017).
"Let's be honest: women cheat too"
It is generally accepted that cheating is characteristic only of men. And most often it is justified by natural polygamy. But in a world where gender roles have shifted, and women compete with the stronger sex in the right to live the way they want, no one has canceled the right to sex either. This is an anonymous letter from our reader.
“Now I understand women”: the story of a father who raised a child alone
This story could easily become the plot for a sitcom. Once upon a time, in the bachelor apartment of the editor-in-chief of a glossy magazine, Igor Shulinsky, loud parties did not stop until the morning. Until 4-year-old Leva appeared in it. Igor wrote for us in a series of columns about how easy it is to be a single father.
Restoring trust
After you've gotten through the first, most emotionally intense period, it's time to start seriously rebuilding your spouse's trust. It won't be easy. You must be serious about changing yourself, changing your habits and your life, and you will need to convey this intention to your spouse.
In such a situation, it is best to contact a marriage specialist. A professional, objective person will create a safe environment in which you can begin to communicate with each other.
Yes, professional psychologists don't come cheap, but being willing to spend a little money to save your marriage is an important part of showing your spouse how serious you are about fixing what's broken.
SIGN UP FOR A FREE CONSULTATION
You may want to initially contact a psychologist for an individual consultation.
Confess
If a husband loves his wife, then he will certainly listen to her. He and she will look for a way out of the situation. A strong relationship cannot fall apart because of this betrayal. One of my close friends committed a sin while her husband was on a business trip. She came to me and asked what to do. I advised you to tell everything honestly and just talk with your spouse about what to do next. She confessed, asked for forgiveness, told why she took such a step and what motivated her. Today they are one of the strongest couples I know. The husband treated the situation with understanding. They went to a psychotherapist for a long time, resolved issues, talked a lot and learned to trust each other. And in the end, love won.
Another friend of mine, every time her husband walks out the door, looks for an adventure. She doesn't say anything to her husband. When I asked how they build a family like this, she simply said: he doesn’t know and will never know, but I’m happy and always run to his house.
The situations are very different. People are all different. Everyone perceives the news of a loved one's betrayal differently. It’s difficult to say how everything will turn out in a particular family. But I am sure that when people love each other sincerely and honestly, then problems are not a problem for them. The main thing here is to really love your spouse, and not yourself in this relationship.
I hope you can correct your mistakes, learn to love and be loved. They will work together on relationships and you will be able to build a strong family that will protect you and protect you from the external evil world. You might be interested in the article “Will a Man Forgive Cheating.”
Good luck to you!
Agree to take a break from the relationship
If your boyfriend cannot recover from being deceived for a long time and asks to take a break from the relationship, be sure to agree. Understand that refusal will only distance you from each other, and no one has ever managed to keep a guy by force. However, the duration of this period should be discussed in advance. It is best if it is no more than 5-7 days. This time is enough for the guy to understand whether he wants to continue the relationship, and if so, how to build it.
Cut off any contact with your lover
If a wife wants to return after cheating, first of all she will have to completely cut off contacts with her lover. It happens that getting rid of a lover is difficult. Therefore, he needs to make it clear that the relationship is completely over:
- be bolder. The spouse needs to admit his mistake, even if he only guessed about the betrayal, or suspected it. This way you will show that you completely trust your husband and expect the same from him;
- there is an opinion that it is worth sparing the husband’s psyche, otherwise he will be hurt when talking about the betrayal. But it’s better that he learns about what happened from you. Otherwise, the truth will still be revealed, but it is unknown in what form;
- prepare evidence of the breakup with your lover. This could be letters, messages in instant messengers, or a phone call (let your husband listen). This way your spouse will understand that he comes first for you.
In case of cheating on a spouse, the actions should be similar. How to return your husband’s love after his betrayal, if the mistress was a woman from your general environment? There is only one way out - ask her to say that the intrigue is over. True, such actions are not always successful.
