Darkness, emptiness, melancholy, hopelessness - this is how people most often define the situation when talking about the betrayal of their husband or wife. “I will never forgive you. Treason is the end, I’ll leave right away,” theorists of the issue most often say. When it comes to practice, thoughts change. I don't make excuses for traitors. I want to help those who had to find out about their partner's betrayal.
The main reasons for male infidelity
A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:
- Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
- Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
- There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
- “Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.
Other reasons include:
- the need to assert one’s personality;
- desire to increase self-esteem;
- search for new experiences;
- the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
- the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
- testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.
It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.
Fortune telling for the future with my husband - will we be together?
People have always believed in magic. This is not surprising, because belief in the supernatural allows us to reveal the secrets of the past, present and future.
The relationship with your spouse allows you to find out what the future holds for your couple, and whether you are destined to be together with your spouse.
Fortune telling is performed in a certain sequence.
A king of any suit is taken from the deck, preferably hearts. The rest of the deck is shuffled. Then you need to move it with your left hand.
Two cards are laid out at the top, bottom, left and right. The left and bottom represent the present, the right and top represent the future.
You can interpret the results of fortune telling using the following card meanings:
- Six - everything will work out,
- Seven - good prospects,
- Eight - quarrels,
- Nine - there will be problems in the family,
- Ten - you will be together,
- Jack - cope with difficulties,
- Lady - betrayal or treason,
- The king is the support of loved ones,
- Ace – happiness, birth of children.
The suits also carry a certain meaning:
- The peaks symbolize problems and disagreements,
- Clubs speak of small problems,
- Worms mean strong and sincere love,
- Diamonds are responsible for material well-being.
Watch the video. Treason. Should you tell your partner about it?
Signs of betrayal
In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:
- sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
- avoiding hugs, light kisses;
- new habits;
- constantly getting stuck on the phone;
- unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
- setting passwords and clearing message history;
- increased care for the car;
- suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
- the appearance of constant business, business trips.
These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.
Be honest
The biggest obstacle to sleeping with your husband after he cheats is that the wife doubts that her husband really still finds her desirable and sexy. She is afraid that if he were honest, he would prefer another woman.
Statistics show that men who cheat find other women “more attractive” than their wives only 10% of the time.
If, after cheating, a wife does not want her husband, it is important to do everything possible to tell her partner about her fears and desires, even if this makes her feel very vulnerable. This is the only way to understand what is happening, otherwise it is impossible to understand what the spouse is thinking and feeling.
If you need to work on your self-esteem and confidence, that's okay. Until you learn to perceive yourself as bright, attractive and sexy, you will never believe that a man sees you the same way.
Behavior strategy by stages
Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.
Stages of experiencing betrayal:
Shock
As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.
At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.
Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.
Aggression
The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.
Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.
To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.
parting
Reboot
At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.
During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.
Recovery
The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.
Should I save my marriage for the sake of my children?
It was rumored that Sarah Jessica forgave Matthew's betrayal only for the sake of their common children.
In 2008, Western media started talking about Matthew Broderick's affair with a waitress, but Sarah Jessica Parker managed to forgive him. Six years later, Matthew again succumbed to temptation, accosting a 26-year-old brunette in a bar. Since then, there have been rumors in the press that the spouses have long lost interest in each other and remain married only for the sake of their common children, but in 2019, everyone was discussing the scandal that Sarah threw at her husband in a London restaurant. “Despite your endless harassment and wasted ink, we are approaching three decades of love, commitment, respect, family and home,” the actress commented on the microblog.
don't miss Sarah Jessica Parker's Sex and the City: an affair with Downey Jr., an affair with Kennedy's son and her husband's infidelities
If the media's assumptions are true, then was it worth the spouses to continue this farce for the sake of the children? “Sacrificing your feelings for the sake of children is not a good idea,” our expert states unequivocally. - Why? Remember how your mother lamented as a child: “I do everything for you, but you can’t even wash the dishes.” This is sacrifice, which has its own “fruits”. Do you want your children to grow into happy adults? I think yes. The path “will I tolerate cheating or forgive my husband” is wrong. Children are subtle psychologists because they sense well when adults are deceiving (remember yourself as a child, when you didn’t want to let your mother’s friend cuddle you). If you harbor a grudge after cheating and remain in the relationship, it will take root and grow, poisoning your mood, attitude to what is happening, feelings, etc. After six months or a year, you will realize that you no longer love your spouse and do not want to stay in the relationship, but you have already promised your children that dad will not go anywhere. Feelings can only be hidden “in the moment,” even from oneself. But it is impossible to do this constantly throughout life. Therefore, failures occur. After a while, you will want to drown out your feelings with alcohol, overeating, etc. So, over time, self-love will be lost, and the relationship will still “fall apart.” It’s a different question if you decide to stay in a relationship because you still love, and it’s mutual.”
To forgive or not to forgive
Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.
Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:
- the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
- presence of children;
- one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
- You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.
Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.
If your wife cheats: 4 types of women
It is not customary to talk about this topic, especially publicly. After all, it is painful, difficult to understand and causes a flurry of emotional assessments from others. But we will try to understand the origins of the problem and understand why women cheat.
Let me give you a letter from a reader as an example.
“Larissa, there are still two weeks until we communicate on Skype, and I’m going crazy. Maybe you can write an article about my problem? I know I will be judged, there will be a lot of angry opinions, but I don’t care anymore. I am 31 years old, I am married, we have two children, they are 8 years old and 3 years old. I returned to work from maternity leave, fell in love with my boss, and cheated on her. The husband found out, forgave, and doesn’t say anything bad. But I’ve been destroying myself for a year now, I hate myself, I can’t live. How could I? I don’t understand... Yes, there were problems at home, but is that an excuse? Analyze, I beg you, the reasons for female infidelity! Help me survive!
When we talk about male infidelity, then everything is clear to us, women: he is a goat, she is a victim. And when is it the other way around? Would you say this is an exception? Meanwhile, in my work I constantly encounter female infidelities. And here we can distinguish several categories:
- Women who cheat regularly throughout their marriage. This does not bother them and often suits the husband. They are partners and friends, but sex has not been going well for a long time, and these infidelities are committed for the sake of physical satisfaction. No long-term relationships, emotions or love. There are very few such stories, and such women do not come to a psychologist because of infidelity, mentioning them incidentally in the context of another problem.
- Cheating with the aim of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” - her husband cheated, she took revenge. Relationships rarely survive after this.
- Cheating as a result of great love. As a rule, the family also breaks up and a new one is created, with the object of passion.
- But most often wives like the author of the letter come to me. It seemed to them that they were loved, appreciated, respected, adored, but in the end they got what they deserved. In such betrayals, emotional experiences dominate, not sex. There is a lot of correspondence in them and there is a touch of romance. Such relationships have no prospects, they quickly get tired of them, but they suffer greatly when it all ends!
How to survive your husband's betrayal
Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:
1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.
Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.
2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.
Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.
To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:
- “Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
- "The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
- "Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
- “Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
- “Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
- The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.
3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.
You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.
4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.
5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.
6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.
7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.
Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.
Will the relationship be the same?
“Is it possible to forgive honestly?
Yes! Everyone must go their own way. Advice doesn’t work here,” says the singer. You can forgive and give a person a second chance, but does this mean that you will return to the starting point, or will the relationship inevitably change? And if so, is it for the better or for the worse? Judging by the Agutin-Varum couple, after the story with Jurmala, the union became even stronger, and no matter how often the haters return to this moment, the lovers remain together.
don’t miss Leonid Agutin: “It’s not customary for my wife and I that I went to live at the dacha, but she stayed in the apartment”
“Now everything is more thorough, nothing is secondary, everything is important. Comfort is a large component of love. At 20 years old there is still a struggle, people are still different. I stopped fighting in stages, periods. After 15 years of marriage, everything settled down. At first I turned on my older comrade. It seemed to me that I was in charge, my wife gave me such an opportunity and did not hurt my feelings. Then I gladly gave up my position to her. He even started calling himself henpecked. And the wife is the boss, she has it, she has such a character,” the singer admitted.
Despite a series of sex scandals, Bill and Hillary did not divorce
Hillary and Bill Clinton grew old together, although the former president had several affairs. And Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick, when caught by the paparazzi, looked quite happy. According to our expert, the main secret to maintaining a healthy relationship after cheating is to try to make sure that the “dirty past” no longer stands between you.
don't miss Ani Lorak told how she survived her ex-husband's betrayal
“If you decide to save the relationship after a constructive conversation, then you need to talk through all your grievances, to put it “sweetly”, without holding back. Having spoken once, try not to return to this topic again and not to remember it at every “opportunity,” concluded Adelina Borzova.
Adelina Borzova is a practicing psychologist with 12 years of experience, specializing in systemic family therapy and parent-child relationships
Based on materials from “7 Days”.
Photo: Legion-Media, Getty Images, Instagram.com
