Strong relationships are always built on trust. It doesn't matter how willing we are to open up to other people. If trust is lost, our inner sense of security is compromised. We begin to doubt ourselves and our partner, his honesty, feelings, motives, actions.
Lies and secrets affect relationships not only with a partner, but also with family, friends, and loved ones. We begin to build walls of mistrust, hoping to protect ourselves. But this is not the only problem.
Why do people stop trusting
Mutual trust is a fragile and very tender feeling. It must be handled with special care, otherwise the situation will turn out for the worse. And this can happen for the following reasons:
- The first enemy is unjustified expectations. This is especially true for representatives of the fair sex, who like to figure out what a lover should do in a particular case. But when the husband acts in the wrong way, the ladies’ ideas collapse and doubts arise. It is important to understand that a man is also a person. His actions may differ from our dreams.
- The most dangerous thing is treason. The best way to earn the trust of a girl and a guy is to prevent such an event. Otherwise, you will have to embark on a long and persistent path to restore relations.
- Lies. It often interferes in people's relationships, sometimes even unconsciously. This habit starts with small things. And if you think it's okay to keep quiet about how much new shoes really cost, then be careful. There is a risk of serious lies occurring.
- Another side of the coin is jealousy. It arises due to lack of self-confidence, feelings of possessiveness, etc. Everything is gradually being destroyed to the ground.
This can happen in everyday life too. Often this happens unconsciously. For example, in a certain situation we neglected our loved one and did not think to explain ourselves. They didn’t pay attention to what was important and remained indifferent. These are classic mistakes made by most people. But fixing them is much easier.
Don't drag other people into conflict
First, remember who dared to deceive your loved one, who cheated on your boyfriend, who decided to hide this deception, and then decided to stay together? Of course it was you. That is why you should not drag other people into the process of sorting out relationships. Don't pester friends or family members. Don't ask them to persuade your lover not to take rash steps. The public trial could be the last straw in a series of unpleasant events for the guy.
All conversations about what happened in your relationship should be conducted only between the two of you. There should be no outside interference, no other people's advice, no sympathy or condemnation. Psychologists say: the only one who is allowed to be third in such a situation is a good psychologist.
How to restore trust in a relationship if it is broken
Mistrust can destroy any family happiness. But this can be avoided by following a few simple tips.
Keep your commitments
Mutual trust is a feeling of confidence in a partner, his love and constancy. If his parents had a trusting atmosphere, and the couple themselves do not succumb to the bad influence of others, then difficulties are unlikely to arise, unlike those who do not trust their loved ones from the very beginning.
Mutual desire
It takes two people to work on a relationship. A situation often arises when one feels guilty and tries to make amends for it, but the other does not take part in this or does not want to communicate. Therefore, you can regain both the trust and respect of your beloved girl or guy only if it is a mutual desire.
Communication built on honesty
Feelings of guilt, anger or resentment can destroy any union in no time. Another rule: be sincere. There is no need to take the role of a judge and punish your partner for mistakes. To reach this stage, you need to talk to your loved one as if you were talking to yourself. You shouldn’t pretend when real thoughts and feelings ask to come out.
Agreement
But being open is half the work. To prevent loss of trust in a relationship, you should listen to your loved one and also make sure that you are heard. You don’t need to adapt, but look for an opportunity to change for the better. This stage will help find a compromise. This is a serious step. The obstacle is a sense of self-righteousness and pride. They do not allow you to meet your partner halfway. This is especially true in cases where he became the culprit for your mistrust: he committed treason or resorted to lies.
Psychologist Daria Milai
Make an appointment
When there is hope
Relationships between a man and a woman (family or love) can be divided into two groups: constructive and destructive. Let's look at the features of each:
- If partners have a strong relationship based on trust, we are talking about a constructive alliance. Mistrust in a couple is not a tragedy, but an unfortunate accident, weakness, or a rash act. The guilty party, realizing the mistake, tries to earn forgiveness and restore sincerity.
- If there is no mutual understanding between people, no respect for each other’s feelings, lies, suspicions have become habitual, the relationship can be called destructive. The couple has no future.
After analyzing your own situation, make a decision. In the first case, the disease, even severe, is treatable. The second one is hopeless.
How to gain trust from a girl or man
I will give some recommendations on how to restore communication after infidelity or meanness. After all, losing a relationship is a two-way street. To return it, the efforts of both parties are necessary.
Step 1: Reflect
Before you take decisive action, consider whether it is worth starting. This is hard work that requires a lot of time. You will have to limit yourself and remain in a state of humility.
To regain trust in the relationship between a girl and a guy after a lie, you should abandon it, even if it concerns trifles. But it has been scientifically proven that a person unknowingly tells lies at least 7 times a day. Will the effort be worth it? Often close people cheat due to lack of love. Then it’s better not to start a truce, but to finish everything calmly.
Step 2: Analyze the situation
After making the decision to fight for love, realize what really happened. A step was taken that destroyed the previous course of life. And now everything will be different: your partner will call any word into question, and you will have to constantly prove the opposite. During my consultation, I will teach you how to conduct a correct dialogue with your companion.
Stage 3: Don't beat yourself up
Another method on how to gain the trust of a guy or man (husband). When the guilty person sees the suffering caused to a loved one, he involuntarily begins to self-flagellate. Don't be led by feelings. It is impossible to get rid of the feeling of guilt for many years. But you shouldn't show it. Do not react to caustic phrases and sidelong glances, but rather tune in to positive thoughts. You will succeed, you will achieve his favor and be able to return your old love.
Stage 4: Don't beg for forgiveness
A girl’s natural reaction when her boyfriend finds out about cheating is to fall down crying at her feet. This is done intuitively, but it will not help you pull yourself together or regain your husband’s trust after lying. After the news, the man is disgusted. And such humiliating actions will seem feigned to him. Maintain your dignity: admit you were wrong and ask for a chance to improve.
Stage 5: Eliminate tantrums
This is not an option. In this case, you do not have the right to them. Some girls make scandals without considering their action to be wrong. They blame their partner for lack of attention or look for many other reasons. This will make the situation worse, forcing you to draw negative conclusions. The position proves that infidelity will happen again.
Face-to-face consultation
What are the features and advantages of face-to-face consultation?
Find out more
Skype consultation
What are the features and benefits of Skype consultations?
Find out more
Stage 6: Don’t be fooled by provocations
The husband will be furious after the news of the betrayal and will begin to provoke his companion to tell in detail about what happened. Some seek to make amends for their mistake and describe their infidelity in detail. This is a big mistake, since the husband’s anger will subside, but he will always remember what he heard. And even if the family does not collapse, it will be impossible to completely regain the trust of the beloved man.
Stage 7: Correct the situation with actions
Any person loves care and attention. And if, in the traditional social understanding, the stronger sex is reserved for beautiful gestures, this is not the case. You will have to make up for the guilt with actions: a delicious dinner, breakfast in bed, maintaining cleanliness and comfort in the house. Watch your appearance, please more often and don’t wait for a response.
Step 8: Avoid other people
Girls love to involve their friends and husband’s friends in the situation that has happened. You shouldn’t do this, because everyone will start putting pressure on your partner. And the latter will become angry with you. Intervention will not return the husband’s love and trust, but will lead to both an unconditional breakup and a depressed state for a long time. After all, he may be given information that is not in your favor. Moreover, doubts about the sincerity of the relationship will spread among acquaintances.
Stage 9: Don't bring up the past
Placing blame on your partner's mistakes is a bad tactic. Especially if the man was previously suspected of infidelity, but without evidence. You need to be responsible for your actions and learn your lesson. And also rarely start a conversation about regret. Together with step 7, this will confirm the sincerity of intentions.
Step 10: Don't Ask for Understanding
When the anger subsides, calmly discuss the situation. Talk about regret, feelings and disappointment in yourself. Make it clear: betrayal brought only emptiness and suffering. There is no need to demand forgiveness. Let your companion express his thoughts, try to understand and support him. It is necessary to throw out negative emotions and convince your spouse that this will not happen again.
Don't humiliate yourself
Of course, after deception on your part, you must be prepared for the fact that your lover will treat you completely differently than before. Firstly, he will become more suspicious, and secondly, he will begin to control. It often happens that a guy decides to ignore you. Give him time, don't impose. You should not write, call or insist on meetings. There is no need to humiliate yourself, this does not cause positive emotions, but rather makes you even more angry. Watching a guy at the entrance is also not the best option. Give him time to cool down and think.
Useful tips if there is no trust in a relationship, how to create it in men
There are many reasons for mistrust besides infidelity. One of them is unjustified expectations. Stop “feeding” your beloved with false hopes, do not reassure with words. Love should be proven through actions, so keep your promises: write an action plan and follow it on the path to resolving the conflict.
Another enemy is excessive jealousy. It’s difficult to fight this, and it’s completely impossible to eradicate your companion’s doubts. The solution is to limit your communication with the opposite sex: colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors. Inform your husband of your location, company, and estimated time of return.
Abandon the roles of defendant and prosecutor
What should a girl who cheated on her boyfriend do if he decides to forgive her and stay with her? It is necessary to discuss such an issue as the behavior of the defendant and the prosecutor. This will not strengthen the relationship, in fact, you can expect completely opposite results. The accuser will only try to offend and wound the culprit, come up with more and more new tasks that the girl, who has lost her trust, will have to perform, trying in every way to get an indulgence. This means that she will also accumulate anger as all attempts to improve relations end in failure. The best solution in such a situation is to remain as calm as possible, directly inform your partner that you are ready to atone for your guilt, but every minute reminders about it and constant reproaches will not help in this situation.
Take responsibility for your actions
If you are betrayed, be honest about it. In a family, it is important to tell the truth, even if lying seems like the best option. If a wife has lost trust in her husband, his sincerity will prove the priority of the relationship. And refusal to admit one’s own guilt will worsen the situation and cause greater distrust. Especially when the truth came out.
After a difficult conversation, expect a strong emotional outburst from your companion. It is impossible to establish a connection instantly. Only by honestly admitting a mistake can you move on. Obviously, an apology should be made, but this is rarely done. This approach will have an impact on the further development of the situation if done correctly:
- Don't make excuses by asking for forgiveness. There is no need to claim that the faithful misunderstood you or come up with reasons for infidelity. Denying guilt is also a bad technique.
- Accept responsibility - admit that your partner has been offended. Tell what should have been done and what will be done next.
- Provide an opportunity to understand the motive for the action. When he feels sincere repentance, he will forgive faster. But there is no need to focus on pity. This indicates the superiority of the offender.
Finally, forgive yourself. The guilt will be felt for a long time, but do not plunge into it headlong. People are far from perfect, and perfect only indicates that you are human. Accept the mistake and move on.
Ask a question
Guide to action
Rebuilding trust is difficult, but possible. The main thing is to be patient and consistently move towards your goal. Psychologists recommend adhering to the following rules:
Don't put pressure on your partner
After a frank conversation, take a break. Emotions must give way to reason, because in a fit of anger and resentment you can commit rash acts. Therefore, give time for the resentment and pain to subside.
Change behavior
Gain lost trust gradually:
- train yourself to warn about unexpected absences and delays at work;
- Avoid empty promises. Try to always keep your word;
- reduce communication with potential rivals;
- spend most of your free time next to your loved one;
- unobtrusively introduce your chosen one to the details of the past day.
Thus, step by step, move towards your intended goal: to convince that secrets and mysteries are left behind.
Demonstrate trust
To fulfill this condition, you will have to try. Many people in such a situation begin to suspect their partner, believing that he will pay in the same coin. You will have to come to terms with your doubts. The guilty party should not:
- jealousy;
- unnecessary questions;
- control over movement and contacts.
While showing trust, you will have to come to terms with the restriction of personal freedom. Give your loved one the opportunity to believe the sincerity of their intentions.
Avoid quarrels and scandals
Mutual insults and reproaches make it difficult to restore sincerity and trust in a relationship. Try to speak calmly. Don’t divide the truth into portions: today I’ll hint, tomorrow I’ll prepare, the day after tomorrow I’ll confess. It would be better to tell everything at once. Admit guilt, patiently await the verdict, hoping for pardon.
Be consistent
Words must be supported by deeds. Recognition, explanation of motives, repentance, actions that prove a desire to improve. It is this sequence of actions that restores trust. You cannot first change behavior and then explain yourself.
What to do if you are a traitor
Some tips on how to earn a man's trust:
- Openness. Tell us what you tried to avoid in conversations. Then the partner will see the seriousness of intentions and understand that the betrayal will not happen again. Provide access to your messages, diary, and don’t hide who you spend time with.
- Give your spouse a chance to speak. It’s probably hard for him, but he can’t keep his feelings inside. The path to healing is to let out your emotions, even if the thoughts become unpleasant to listen to.
- Keep your promises of change for the better. You should not give false hopes, because actions are good evidence of repentance.
- Be patient. It takes time to regain trust in people. And the best way to speed it up is to be persistent. Your past life is unlikely to return to its previous course, but demonstrating your own reliability will help restore your family.
Maintain dignity
Psychologists also do not advise in this situation to immediately fall to your knees and try with all your might to beg forgiveness. Although many people also try to act this way. But this, as practice proves, is not the best way to regain the trust of a person who has just been betrayed and deceived.
Such a step is rarely perceived adequately by the injured party. And one can understand the deceived one. After all, tearful pleas for forgiveness, humiliating scenes played out immediately after being convicted of a crime do not at all prove the fact that the unfaithful lover (beloved) does this, having fully felt the situation and with full awareness of the mistake. Such behavior most often evokes pity and disgust from the judging party, or, worse, is perceived as a theatrical performance. Therefore, it is better for those who have committed a mistake to maintain their dignity.
How to trust a person again
It’s worth tuning into a positive wave and reflecting. Assess the current situation and ask the question: “Do you want to return to your old relationship?” What explains the action: the character of the faithful or a mistake. After deciding to keep the connection, watch the man’s reaction. He truly repents of what he did or apologizes because the truth has come to light. If it seems that he does not want to change, further efforts are meaningless.
Also analyze what is happening as you move forward. To regain his wife's trust in himself, the partner will try his best to show both reliability and attentiveness. And my following recommendations will help you recognize deception. Liars:
- they think about their answers for a long time and say little;
- indicate implausible facts without details;
- gesticulate less and take a huge number of pauses;
- often correct communication errors;
- tense - they raise their voice and cannot sit still.
Finally, talk about your experiences. The traitor must understand how much of an insult he caused and what exactly was an insult. Give advice on how to regain your favor.
No need to try to relieve the pain
The first thing you must understand is that the deceived person really wants to know how everything really happened. When answering questions, you can consciously or unconsciously conceal a number of details, limit yourself to general answers - and at the same time consider that you have not said a word of lies. However, do not think that your partner will not feel that you are hiding something from him. Moreover, many details will emerge over time, turning both your life and the life of the person you deceived into a real nightmare. Literally collecting all the details of what happened bit by bit, the guy will constantly scroll through the picture of betrayal in his head. In order to get through this difficult stage, you need to feel the pain, experience all the worst at once.
How can a wife regain lost trust after her husband’s betrayal and lies?
- Express your pent-up feelings and let go of the situation. After discussing the problem, leave it behind. This is difficult to do, but the condition will soon pass. And in the future you shouldn’t return to this, especially if your spouse tried to improve.
- Feeding yourself with empty expectations is a recipe for disappointment. The person will not be able to do as you want. When this realization comes, you will understand how much you can trust your loved one. Also, don't allow others to be put above you. Everyone makes mistakes, because no one is perfect. But do not allow it to be done on purpose and go unpunished.
- Give love and receive feelings in return. This is another answer to what to do if there is no trust in your husband or it has disappeared in your boyfriend. Accept the traitor after what he has done. Especially if the lover is trying to prove the sincerity of his intentions and improve the relationship.
But if negative emotions remain, think about the reasons. Is it connected with the past or fear of believing again and receiving a new portion of suffering. Then take a closer look at your companion’s behavior: is regret really visible and is it worth making the effort?
Tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth
If you deceived a guy, you probably already understand that trust is a very fragile thing. If you have ever been caught in a lie, in the future you will have to tell the person only the truth. Your relationship should become as transparent as possible, and this applies even to minor details. For example, if you are going to a bar with a friend, tell your significant other directly. Don’t invent more harmless companions and locations for yourself. Remember that everything secret always becomes clear.
After the insult
The reason for mistrust may be an accidental act or a deliberate act. If this is your first case, you can make amends with a simple heart-to-heart conversation and apologize.
