A manipulator is a man who causes his woman suffering, even if he truly loves her. But how can you tell if a man is manipulating you? What should alert you in the behavior of your boyfriend or husband for you to ask this question? In fact, manipulators in relationships are recognized very simply; their specific behavior gives them away already on the first date.
It is worth knowing that this type is almost the most dangerous in a relationship. If you are already a member of them and know that your boyfriend or husband is a manipulator, then the constant feeling of guilt and depression is familiar to you firsthand.
How to recognize such a person? He has certain patterns of behavior that he uses depending on the situation. In addition, a manipulative man always returns to the same type of woman. Usually these are young girls who have little experience in relationships or who have recently experienced a difficult distance and are still depressed. Such a man understands perfectly how to manipulate a woman, especially in a vulnerable state. When meeting you, he will ask why you are upset and try to gain your trust. Another bell at the first meeting is his question about whether you have friends and whether your loved ones are nearby. It is important for a manipulator that there is no one with his woman but him.
By the way, sometimes a girl doesn’t even feel how a guy oppresses her. He does this so imperceptibly and without obvious pressure (both moral and physical) that on an unconscious level she already begins to obey him and live by the rules that he sets. This is because a manipulator at the beginning of a relationship is very charming and pleasant, and the signs of a tyrant begin to appear later, when he sees that the girl has been conquered.
He/she crosses personal boundaries
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It is important to understand that no one has the right to violate your personal boundaries, even the closest people - parents, children, and including your lover. Of course, in a couple we build personal boundaries differently than with strangers: we can forgive a partner for what we would not forgive a colleague or friend. But if you feel that you are uncomfortable with some of the words and actions of your lover, it is definitely worth discussing it, and not enduring it because it is so accepted in couples.
How to deal with a manipulative man
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It may take some time before you realize that a man is manipulating you. These signs may not be as obvious and often appear as the relationship progresses.
If you feel like you're being manipulated, trust your instincts.
Know your rights
The first thing you need to do when you are dealing with a manipulator is to know your rights and admit that they are being violated. Remember that you have the right to defend yourself.
- You have the right to be treated with respect
- You have the right to express your feelings, opinions and desires
- You have the right to set your priorities
- You have the right to refuse without feeling guilty.
- You have the right to get what you paid for
- You have the right to have a different opinion from others
- You have the right to take care of yourself and protect yourself from physical, psychological or emotional threats.
- You have the right to create your own happy and healthy life.
These basic human rights represent your boundaries.
Don't blame yourself
Because the manipulator tries to exploit your weaknesses, you may feel inadequate or even blame yourself for something.
In this situation, it is important to remember that you are not the problem, you are simply being manipulated into giving up your power and rights.
Turn your attention to him
When you hear an unreasonable offer, try focusing on the manipulator by asking a few leading questions.
For example:
- Does this seem reasonable to you?
- Do you feel like what you want is fair?
- Do I have the right to vote?
- Are you asking me or are you insisting on it?
- And what will I get from this?
- Do you really expect me to...(unreasonable suggestion)?
With such questions, you put the manipulator in front of an imaginary mirror so that he can see the true nature of his tricks. If he has even a modicum of self-awareness, he will refuse the demand and back down.
A pathological manipulator will ignore questions and insist on his own. In this case, it is best to listen to the above advice.
Postpone reply
In the case of an unreasonable request, the manipulator often immediately expects an answer in order to increase pressure and control the situation.
At such times, consider using time to your advantage and moving away from his or her immediate influence.
You can say , "I'll think about it."
Take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the situation, consider a fairer arrangement, or simply say no.
Say “No” diplomatically but firmly
A diplomatic but confident refusal will help you put your foot down while maintaining a healthy relationship. Remember that you have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.
He/she constantly demands to prove love
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Manipulators are egoists, and it is important for them to constantly hear assurances that they are the best and irreplaceable. These people will do their best to use your love to force you to do things you don't want to do. “If you love me, you will leave this job,” “You love me, right? Then give up on buying a coat so we can buy me a console.” Such demands to make sacrifices for the sake of love are one of the most important signs that they are trying to control you.
OBJECTIVE CRITICISM OR MANIPULATION
Everything cannot be smooth in family relationships. Disputes, conflicts, and disagreements are inevitable between a man and a woman. A person is told from all sides that he must listen to criticism , that only loving people can tell the truth and that one should not be offended by this. But no one remembers that you can only criticize specific actions that can and should be corrected. If criticism concerns the person himself as an individual, offensive opinions and stupid remarks are expressed, then this is already psychological sadism and manipulation.
Family problems cannot be hushed up; you need to speak softly but firmly about your dissatisfaction. But many are afraid of conflicts, remain silent, and manipulators actively take advantage of this.
To avoid such manipulation in relationships, you need to learn how to enter into conflict correctly:
- Write down on a piece of paper point by point everything that doesn’t suit you in the relationship. Highlight the main thing that you cannot put up with. For this specific point, make a conversation plan. This is very important, because as soon as a conflict breaks out, a person is carried away, and he can no longer control himself. As soon as a flash of rage or freezing occurs, you have lost the argument. The one who remains calm and cool wins.
- At the moment of conflict, learn to distance yourself from the situation - imagine that you are in a cinema and watching a film about your life. Instead of listening to “what” they say to you, focus on “who” says it, “how” they say it. While there is a stream of negativity, consider the color of your manipulator’s eyes, the condition of his skin, hair, what he’s wearing, what he smells like, what he was like as a child. Then ask yourself: “Why is he doing this? What is the goal? This kind of cool observation gives you power over the situation. Now you can remember your plan and act.
- Don’t rush to enter into a dialogue, give your interlocutor time to speak out. Let him rid himself of all the accumulated negativity, let all the techniques and preparations dry up. At this moment, just watch from the side. When the manipulator speaks out, say: “I understand you, I heard you” and repeat what he said in a concise form. The manipulator calms down. He is confident that the goal has been achieved.
- The observer's position will allow you to see the hidden meaning of everything said. You will understand what your interlocutor is really trying to achieve.
- Say in a calm voice: “Now listen to me too.” Remember, the louder you speak, the less you are perceived. Speak quietly, briefly and to the point. Everything is strictly according to plan, without deviations.
- There is no need to blame the manipulator. Say: “I would like to,” “it will be great if I get this,” “I want...” For a manipulator who is accustomed to blaming others for all his troubles, this will be a familiar environment. He will see that you don’t blame him, that it’s not all right with you and you need his help.
- After you've balanced your chances of winning, start asking questions: "Let's figure out what's really going on between us." No need to waste time on empty chatter, get straight to the most important thing.
He/she belittles you
The manipulator strives to tie the victim to himself in every possible way, therefore he belittles the dignity of his partner in every possible way. “You couldn’t have done this without me,” “Well, who besides me needs you like that?” Over time, the victim begins to believe that only one person is needed, and will not even make attempts to end this toxic relationship.
What is benching: how to understand that you are a “backup option” and your partner is already looking for a replacement for you
More details
Who is a manipulator in a relationship?
A manipulator is a person who seeks to gain control or power over another person through dishonest and unhealthy means.
Unlike a healthy relationship where there is reciprocity and cooperation, the manipulator tries to use, control and harass his partner.
He uses psychological pressure and deception
to change a person's behavior or attitudes or provoke a strong emotional reaction, draining his energy and undermining his well-being.
Manipulators twist your thoughts, actions and desires
into something that better suits their vision of the world, turning you into a person who serves their own goals.
You can learn to recognize the signs of manipulation so you can stop the behavior and protect yourself, your self-esteem, and your sanity.
Signs of psychological pressure
Manipulation is a hidden way to control human consciousness. It can be difficult to recognize, especially when it comes to your significant other. Based on specific signs, one can determine that a person is trying to put pressure on pity and influence in other ways.
- Feeling of internal discomfort. During communication, anxiety, irritability, and depression appear. It is impossible to feel comfortable next to the manipulator. After all, he strives to rise to the occasion, and humiliates the victim in every possible way.
- Tears, depression. The influence of the manipulator is strong: a person is deprived of his will and conscious personal aspirations. That is why, against this background, a feeling of panic arises, tears appear, and despair overwhelms. If a guy negatively influences a girl, she considers herself ugly, unfulfilled and unable to sort out her own problems on her own. This is how a situation of codependency is formed, causing considerable mental anguish and limiting habitual actions.
- Need for detachment. If after interacting with a specific person you want to withdraw into yourself, this is an alarming sign. After all, when surrounded by positive people, an individual opens up, and one wants to realize one’s talents and abilities. In the case of a manipulator, there is a desire to hide your thoughts and feelings away.
Why do you need this?
Psychologists name several reasons why men become manipulators:
- Initially, such a man has low self-esteem and is not confident in himself. He must have support in his close social circle and at the same time remain independent. He doesn't know how to trust other people. That's why he tries to control everyone. There is a desire to use other people for your own purposes. Thus, a person solves his internal problems at the expense of other people.
- As a child, all his actions were ridiculed and criticized, which is why he develops a fear of close relationships. When he uses his manipulations , he is protecting his emotions due to childhood traumas.
- He copies the behavior of his parents. When his parents used the carrot and stick method towards him. This is how, as an adult man, he behaves with women.
- Self-affirms at the expense of others.
Which women are susceptible to manipulation?
Confident, self-sufficient individuals who know their worth (adequately understand strengths and weaknesses) are difficult to unbalance and force to do things against their own will.
The manipulator initially looks for a soft, inexperienced girl with the following traits:
- Shyness . He reproaches the girl for indecent behavior at the most insignificant points. Feigns disappointment. The girl, wanting to justify herself and make amends, is ready to do anything.
- Sacrifice . Plays out a hopeless situation in which he needs help. The girl, under the influence of feelings, sacrifices for the sake of her beloved.
- Gullibility . Deception, distortion of facts, changing priorities are the manipulator’s favorite techniques.
Followed individuals are more likely to become victims of the manipulator.
Male manipulation: what is it and how to recognize it
If a young man endlessly calls on the phone and controls his chosen one in everything, then this is manipulation. When a guy is forbidden to go out for various reasons, this is also a negative psychological impact. An attempt to control the situation is associated with pathological self-doubt, the desire to demonstrate one’s strength and capabilities.
Male manipulation is a very negative thing. Its main danger lies in ignorance of the psychological negative impact. But, experiencing such an influence, the girl loses self-confidence, withdraws, and her inner world is destroyed.
