Active listening: techniques and exercises to develop skills

Active listening is a useful skill for establishing deep contact with your interlocutor and effectively finding a joint solution to issues. This is a difficult communication skill that can sometimes cause confusion. For many people, listening is a passive reception of information from people around them.

The attitude towards contact with an interlocutor was accurately described by the American satirist Mark Twain: “Most conversations are a monologue in the presence of witnesses.” But this position becomes a trap, falling into which we misinterpret the meaning of the conversation. The dialogue ends with misunderstandings, unpleasant feelings, and problems in relationships. How to avoid this?

What is active listening

Active listening (AL) is a complex communication skill in which participants interact directly or indirectly with each other. The theory of active or empathic listening technology was first described by the American psychotherapist Carl Rogers.

It would seem that there is nothing difficult about listening to your interlocutor. But, as a rule, during direct communication a person hears only what he wants to hear or something catchy; the rest of the information is not noticed by the brain, since at that time it is busy with some other thoughts. With active listening, a person abstracts from his own emotions and experiences and focuses on the perception of speech.

Listening skills

During communication, it is important not only to speak expressively and competently, but also to be able to listen to the interlocutor. This is of great importance for mutual understanding with your counterpart. To be able to listen means to perceive the flow of information from the narrator. A person’s level of culture will allow him to politely listen to his interlocutor and tactfully refrain from harsh statements and disdainful facial expressions.

The ability to listen depends on personality type, intelligence, communication culture, age, gender. Scientists have proven that women are emotional during listening, inattentive, and often interrupt the interlocutor with their own stories. Men, on the other hand, are able to listen to information to the end, mentally looking for ways to solve it.

Many professions involve listening skills. These are sellers, hairdressers, massage therapists, psychologists, doctors, teachers, administrators, consultants. Efficiency and a culture of listening are important for business communication. There are special techniques that facilitate the perception of information. Active listening will help support your interlocutor and show the significance of his story.

Use in communication psychology

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The method of active perception is a technique used in psychological practices, in psychotherapeutic consultations, during various trainings in order to better understand a person’s feelings and experiences.

The listening technique in communication psychology is used for:

• directing the conversation in the right direction;
• assisting in understanding, evaluating and remembering information;
• encouraging the interlocutor to answer the necessary questions;
• insurance against incorrect interpretation of information;
• establishing psychological contact with the interlocutor and harmoniously building a line of conversation;
• establishing conflict-free coexistence in society.

Tips for a bad listener

It also happens that you should get rid of your interlocutor as quickly as possible. The reasons may be different: from reluctance to communicate with a specific person to reluctance to listen to long monologues. An alternative technology can be created based on active listening techniques. With its help, the interlocutor will feel a reluctance to communicate with him. What concepts do not apply to active listening techniques?

• Silence, lack of emotional reaction to words, ignoring the interlocutor.
• Constantly answering questions with questions.
• Dismissive posture, facial expressions.
• Interrupting the interlocutor, moving on to your own personal topics.
• During a conversation, be distracted by phone calls and do other things.
• Sharply criticize your interlocutor, immediately pointing out his mistakes and miscalculations.

This alternative technique should not be used constantly. People need communication and empathy. Only in rare exceptions should you remember which concepts do not apply to active listening techniques. It is best to politely explain that your counterpart has chosen the wrong time to talk. Try to avoid annoying interlocutors, giving preference to positive people.

Barriers to Active Listening

Despite the desire to listen carefully to the people around you, there are not always conditions for this.

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What can interfere with active listening:

1. The desire to hastily draw a conclusion (based on one’s own worldview and existing life experience) before all the necessary facts, arguments, and evidence are clarified.
2. Tendency to selectively perceive information (hear only what you want to hear).
3. Bias.
4. Prejudice.

Important! In addition to active listening, there is also passive listening, the essence of which is the ability to silently listen to the interlocutor.

Types of active listening

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The process of active perception of information can be divided into 2 types, which are defined:

1. male active listening;
2. female active listening.

Male active listening

This method of perceiving information involves carefully listening to the interlocutor, a comprehensive analysis of the information received, asking clarifying questions, active participation in the discussion of the subject of the conversation, and reflection. Most often used during business meetings, negotiations, and conferences.

Women's hearing

Women's active listening

This is a more emotional and open way of communication, in which empathy is used to become closer to the interlocutor, to inspire his trust, and to sympathize with his problems. In the process of communication, the emphasis is on feelings and emotions, and not on the amount of information transmitted.

Clarification

An ordinary conversation involves a lot of omissions, omissions and understatements. They are thought up by both sides in an arbitrary order, but with active perception this cannot be allowed. After all, the main goal is to extract the truthful and most complete information on the topic of the conversation, as well as to establish contact with a partner.

Therefore, clarification performs two functions at once:

• clarifies what is said through directed dialogue;
• allows you to gently bypass the most pressing and painful issues.

This maintains mutual understanding and trust between interlocutors.

Active Listening Technique

Yu. B. Gippenreiter in the book “Miracles of Active Listening” declares the enormous importance of this phenomenon in the life of every person who wants to have effective communication with people around him.

There are several most common active listening techniques:

• “Echo” is a verbatim reproduction of the last phrase with a questioning intonation.
• Paraphrasing is a brief summary of the main ideas from what was said (as a rule, it begins with the phrase: “If I understand correctly, then ...).
• Interpretation - expressing an opinion about the true intentions of the speaker, made on the basis of perceived information (a typical phrase begins with the words: “I think that you ...”).

Each technique, in turn, includes several integral components:

1. Neutrality, that is, unconditional respect for a person without criticism, condemnation or subjective evaluation.
2. Kindness, friendliness, sympathy for the interlocutor.
3. Sincere interest in the person, encouraging the desire to tell.

Each active listening session is built according to a specific algorithm:

• Establishing eye contact (the eyes of the interlocutors are at the same level). Examining your interlocutor from head to toe or the surrounding environment may indicate that the topic of the conversation is uninteresting or of secondary importance.
• Moderate use of facial expressions and gestures (nodding the head, assenting, listening with the whole body).
• Asking clarifying questions, asking for clarification of unclear points in the speech.
• Taking into account the feelings and emotions of the conversation partner, empathy.

Important! It is important to distinguish between asking questions and asking questions. The first indicates inattentive listening to the interlocutor, the second, on the contrary, speaks of active communication.

Listen and hear

Hearing and listening are not the same thing

And it's not just a matter of alternation. Think for a moment and answer the following question honestly. How often during, for example, the last month, when talking with a stranger or someone you barely know, did you pay more attention to what he was saying rather than thinking about your next response? So as not to be deceived, move on - try to remember what exactly he told you. In most cases, this will be quite difficult to do due to the underdeveloped habit of not just listening, but actually hearing the interlocutor.

The realities of the information space are such that technology, which is designed to provide more convenient and widespread contact between people, at the same time is sometimes an obstacle to true understanding. And this, by the way, is the basis of effective communication. The ability to listen is the basis for accurately receiving and interpreting incoming messages and interacting with the interlocutor. Today, many top companies even conduct special trainings for their employees, where they teach listening skills. And this is not an imaginary concern or a senseless waste of money, as it might seem at first glance. Developing this skill allows you to better understand clients and build cooperation more productively, avoid common mistakes and work conflicts, and expand the exchange of information, which promotes creative and innovative work.

For example, a staunch follower of the idea that the main thing for creating effective communication within a company is the ability to listen is the famous businessman Richard Branson. The founder of the Virgin Group corporation has repeatedly stated this in numerous interviews and speeches. Research also confirms this: active listeners have more friends and a developed networking system, they are more self-confident and better protected from the negative effects of stress.

Returning to the stated topic, about and “listen,” despite all the similarity of grammatical structures, are two different concepts. The ability to listen, as a quality necessary for anyone who strives for effective communication, includes both. And how to learn this is described below.

Techniques related to the elements of listening

The following techniques are used for active listening:

• Pause. Helps you understand what you heard and express your comments during the conversation. The speaker can thus emphasize certain elements of speech.
• Clarification. Allows you to clarify, detail what was said, or not to hush up the sensitive points of the issue being discussed.
• Retelling. Provides an opportunity to find out whether the information is correctly conveyed and understood, helps to place emphasis on the necessary arguments and facts.
• Development of thought. Encourages interlocutors to participate in the conversation and express their opinions on the subject of discussion.
• Reporting the perception of the interlocutor (transmitting your opinion about the speaker).
• A message about self-perception or a description of one's own feelings.
• A note on the progress of the dialogue (polylogue) – an assessment of the communication process.

Tips for being a good listener

Basic active listening techniques promote positive interpersonal communication. With their help, the interlocutor will feel attention to his words and experiences. Knowledge of techniques and the ability to use them will create a sense of self-worth in your counterpart, which will help you quickly reach a consensus.

• You should not interrupt or interrupt a person. This technique of active listening will allow you to bring the main idea to the end.
• After asking a question, be sure to wait for the interlocutor’s answer and not answer for it.
• Maintain eye contact and turn to face the speaker.
• Establish feedback, ask questions, nod.
• You should not immediately refute the information you hear. First, delve into the essence of the conversation, understand the motives of the interlocutor.
• Do not give in to the speaker’s aggression. Try to level it out with patience and calmness.

Active Listening Techniques

The AS technique helps to understand the deep meaning of all spoken words and penetrate into the inner world of the speaker. In everyday life, such penetration is called empathy, which manifests itself in 3 levels:

1. Empathy (showing the same feelings that the interlocutor shows).
2. Sympathy (the desire to help to alleviate the suffering of the interlocutor).
3. Sympathy (benevolent attitude towards a person).

To develop the innate ability of empathy, psychotherapist K. Rogers suggests using the following methods:

• regularly fulfill your obligations;
• express your feelings sincerely;
• show complicity with the internal experiences of the interlocutor;
• refuse to perform typical roles during a conversation.

Techniques of active perception

The essence of the active perception method is the ability not only to hear spoken words, but also to see the deep meaning hidden behind them, which can be revealed with the help of short phrases that encourage the interlocutor. It is necessary not only to let the speaker speak, but also to actively participate in the process of transmitting and receiving information.

Examples of active listening

An example of active listening can be considered most dialogues in which there is a specific topic for discussion:

• Conversation between the seller and the buyer (first the seller carefully listens to the buyer’s wishes, then the interlocutors change roles: the seller offers options for solving the problem, and the buyer listens and chooses).
• Communication with children. It is important to listen to each child and not only understand the immediate needs, but also help the child deal with his emotions and desires. Sometimes active perception helps to encourage the baby to take certain actions or teach some new skill. Active listening is widely used in pedagogy.
• Relationships between friends and relatives (allow you to establish a comfortable atmosphere).
• Communication between business partners helps develop a business.
• Participation in increasing sales efficiency. A successful sales manager knows how to properly present his product and force a potential buyer to make a purchase. To do this, the part uses techniques such as nonverbal communication, paraphrasing, clarification, and summarizing skills.

Communication with a child

Important! The ability to listen carefully to your interlocutor can be cultivated through long training. This will not only help you to be considered a pleasant conversationalist, but will also give you the opportunity to receive more information.

Active listening exercises

Before you begin to master the technique of active listening, it is worth understanding the basic principles of active listening:

• Give up the habit of interrupting your interlocutor;
• Maintain steady eye contact;
• Answer the question if it suggests an answer, and do not try to look for answers to rhetorical questions;
• Show feedback: support, nod your head, encourage to continue in short phrases;
• Do not prevent the outburst of unfavorable feelings (in order not to take negativity upon yourself, you need to temporarily abstract yourself from negative energy and continue communication after the outburst of toxic emotions).

After accepting and mastering the principles of AS, you can begin training the ability to actively perceive information.

Exercise in pairs

The first exercise is done in pairs, where one person acts as a speaker, the other as a listener. Over the course of 5 minutes, the speaker talks about several personal problems with an emphasis on his own difficulties. The partner at this time uses all methods and techniques of active perception. A minute after finishing this part of the exercise, the speaker analyzes the actions of the listener: what helped and what hindered him from talking about himself. For the next 5 minutes, the speaker talks about his successes and achievements, and the listener tries to effectively use AS techniques, taking into account previous mistakes. Over the next five minutes, the listener retells what he understood and remembered from the monologue, and the speaker reacts to the story only with positive or negative head nods. Moreover, if the speaker reacts negatively, the listener corrects himself. After completing the first stage of the exercise, the partners repeat the training, only changing roles. At the end of the lesson, they summarize and analyze which role is more difficult: the listener or the speaker.

Active listening skills training

Exercise “Damaged phone”

To complete this task, 5 people are needed: a speaker and 4 listeners. The speaker and the first listener remain in the room. The speaker reads a text describing a certain event, the partner listens carefully and tries to remember the details of the message. After reading the text once, a second listener is called, and the text heard by the first listener is retold to him. The actions are repeated until the last participant hears his version of the text. Then everyone gets together and compares the story of the 4th listener with the original.

The exercise shows that people remember information selectively, according to their worldview and life experience.

Mindfulness Exercise

The coach divides the group into threes. Each participant is given a short essay. For 3 minutes, all partners simultaneously read their texts out loud and try to hear the messages of the other opponents. The task of each participant is to hear and remember the information coming from other people as much as possible. As a rule, several times such an exercise turns out to be practically fruitless, but over time people learn to isolate the essence from a scattered flow of information.

Thus, the method of active listening is important not only for professionals, but also for every person. Active perception of information occurs very often; almost any dialogue contains elements of AS.

Assessing your listening skills

Before you start improving your listening, evaluate what you are already good at and where you can improve. When it comes to listening, there are five main directions or intentions of listening:

• remember details;
• understand the big picture;
• evaluate content;
• pay attention to subtle clues;
• empathize with the speaker.

Below we will describe all these areas in more detail, and you, in turn, take a piece of paper and arrange them in descending order, where number one is what you are currently good at, and number five is what you you pay the least attention.

Remember details . Everything is simple here, you know how to remember names, dates and other specific information. If you're good at the board game Trivial Pursuit, then you can probably name remembering details as your number one listening skill.

Understanding the big picture . This means that you can understand the general meaning of something even if you cannot remember specific details. If you always understand what the key ideas are when you listen, then this is one of your strengths.

Content evaluation . Here you not only listen, but also evaluate the content of the conversation. For example, when you listen to what a salesperson is telling you, do you simply agree with everything he says, or does your critical thinking kick in and you begin to doubt what you are hearing?

Pay attention to subtle clues . Listening is not just an auditory process. Much of the meaning of a message depends on the nonverbal cues the speaker gives us: facial expression, body language, tone of voice. Are you good at noticing and interpreting these body language cues?

Empathy for the speaker . Certain situations require us to deeply understand the emotional state of the speaker. Consider it your strength if you recognize emotions and can easily tell when someone is upset, angry, embarrassed, happy, and so on.

Now that you've identified what your listening strengths are, let's talk about why this skill set is important to our overall listening abilities and give you some tips for improving your weak areas.

Improving listening weaknesses

Detail retention is our ability to listen to specific details that a speaker says and then retain them. This type of listening is useful when your boss is giving you instructions on a complex, multi-step task that you must complete. We need to listen to the details when people give dates that require us to act.

If remembering details is an area you want to improve, then try the following steps. When someone speaks to you, evaluate whether you need to listen to details at this stage. Ask yourself, should I act on this information now or later? What information do I need to remember to take this action?

Answering these important questions will help you decide what level of listening you should focus on. If you don't need to act on the information, for example your colleague is simply sharing his observations, then understanding the big picture or empathizing will be a more appropriate and effective method of listening.

However, if you often find yourself in situations where recalling details is important, try the following practical strategies to improve this skill. Listen to the weather forecast without looking, and then see if you can remember the daily temperature for that week. Try to achieve some success in this.

Next time, try taking notes when someone gives you instructions on how to complete a specific task. Perhaps your IT professional can tell you how to clear the cache or how to create a macro in Excel. Then try reading the written instructions to the person or completing the task based on the notes you took.

There are situations when details, on the contrary, distract us. If we focus on the details, we may miss the important point of what is being said. Sometimes it helps to focus on the overall vision, the mission, the big picture. Have you ever noticed people who, after a long meeting, can clearly describe the essence of the meeting in a few words? These are the people who can listen and understand the big picture.

Ask yourself, how would you explain the information to someone outside the organization or specific conversation? When you can clearly and concisely explain an idea to someone who is even unfamiliar with the information, you likely understand the big picture.

In addition, you can practice understanding the big picture by attending a lecture and writing afterward about the main ideas presented. If your explanation goes beyond three sentences, then you're probably focusing too much on the details. In this case, you should improve your ability to understand the big picture.

In daily communication, we most often use evaluative listening. This type of listening occurs when we have to form an opinion after gathering information or choose between two positions, or when we have to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of a proposal.

In the business world, appreciative listening is essential to ensuring the viability of the organization and finding opportunities for future growth. If leaders do not listen critically and weigh available information, then the decisions they make may be wrong.

Regardless of your listening style, ask yourself the following questions: Is the speaker making a compelling argument? Is the evidence it provides credible, timely and relevant? Are both pros and cons presented? Is any of the information misleading?

An excellent venue for teaching appreciative listening is the news or sports commentary. In both cases, the announcers present the facts and then during commentary they present their analysis of the situation. Listen to each of the arguments, claims, evidence and arguments presented.

At the end of the news release, decide whether the opinion presented is also your opinion, or whether you have your own counterarguments and point of view. Evaluative listening requires discipline and focus only on the content. Give yourself time to compare, contrast and make a decision based on what is presented to you.

When we talk about understanding subtle clues, it's all about reading non-verbal cues that are vital to conveying meaning. In many cultures, direct verbal communication is not the norm. Many things are left unsaid and listeners must read between the lines.

Some nonverbal cues are very subtle and difficult to decipher.

Learning to read subtle signals is an important listening skill. If you are not that good at this skill, then watch people. This can be done while sitting in the park or while watching various TV shows. Soap operas are best for this exercise, but try to figure out the plot.

Another everyday thing you can do is walk into a meeting where you don't know the participants or their positions and try to figure out who's boss. As mentioned earlier, subtle clues are very difficult to pick up on. So try to find a mentor who is quite good at this skill.

Empathy takes time and energy, but it is worth it because it builds a relationship between you and the speaker. When you look at an empathetic listener, you see that they mirror the emotions and even the body language of the speaker. Empathetic listeners engage in the listening process to better understand the emotions and feelings of the speaker.

We previously wrote about understanding the big picture, so an empathetic listener listens and paraphrases both emotion and content. It is a way of listening that can build trust and respect between both parties.

Empathizing with the speaker is important when you are dealing with conflict situations between members of your team, with employees who report to you, or simply listening to a colleague who is very upset about an issue. If you listen with empathy and demonstrate understanding of a difficult situation, you can diffuse emotions or even calm a frustrated customer.

Empathy begins with the language in your head as the listener. While you listen, put yourself in that person's shoes and experience their feelings. Be fully immersed in the listening process without judgment or distraction. Try to mirror the speaker and, if you speak, use affirming responses such as “I see,” “Yeah.”

If you are participating verbally in a conversation, use the following sentences: “Tell me more about this,” “I understand why you are so upset about this,” “Is this the first time this has happened?” and others.

As you listen, remember to respect the speaker's feelings and don't use phrases that invalidate them, such as, “It's not that bad. Don't be upset about it" or "Everything will be fine."

Frequent practice will improve your skills, and it is best to do this in situations that are not too emotionally draining. For example, listen to a colleague talk about a situation that happened to his friend or listen to a neighbor talk about a situation at work.

Empathy will make you stand out at work and in your personal life. Recognize when it's necessary and put your skills into practice if you want to become a better communicator overall. But it is important to remember that you must correctly apply the discussed methods to the most appropriate situations.

Directions of Hearing	Questions to ask yourself	Practical actions
Remembering details	Should I act on this information now or later? What information do I need to remember to take this action?	Listen to the weather forecast and then see if you can remember the daily temperature for that week. Take notes when someone gives you instructions on how to complete a specific task.
Understanding the Big Picture	How would I explain the information to someone outside the organization or specific conversation?	Attend the lecture and when finished, describe the main ideas presented. After attending the next long meeting, summarize the contents of the meeting in two sentences or less.
Content Evaluation	Is the speaker making a compelling argument? Is the evidence it provides credible, timely and relevant?	Listen to political debates and identify flaws in both speakers' arguments.
Paying attention to subtle clues	What do I see that I don’t hear?	Watch people in the park or on a TV show. Walk into a meeting where you don't know the participants or their positions and try to figure out who's boss
Empathy for the speaker	How does the speaker feel?	Listen and paraphrase both the speaker's emotions and the content. When talking to a work colleague who has a different point of view on an issue, force yourself to identify two reasons why his argument makes sense.