How to make a decision when in doubt: decision-making algorithm

Acceptance means paying calm and clear attention to both possibilities and limitations.
Acceptance is about recognizing what really is.
Accepting someone means seeing them as a whole and responding to them as a whole, rather than reacting to individual impulses and identifications.
— from the book “Lyrical Philosophy of Psychotherapy” by Alexander Badkhen.

When we talk about acceptance, we seem to automatically turn to something that is unpleasant to us. This could be a problematic situation, dissatisfaction with oneself or others. Let's take a closer look at this phenomenon.

How to decide on a Descartes square using 4 questions?

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This method was proposed by Rene Descartes, the famous French philosopher, engineer, mathematician, creator of the philosophy of radical doubt. His "square" method helps to understand the consequences of any choice.

Descartes Square is a simple but super-effective technique for helping you make difficult decisions. The idea of the method is to analyze any problem from different points of view.

Before making a decision, give honest answers to Descartes' 4 questions:

What will happen if this happens?
What happens if this doesn't happen?
What won't happen if this happens?
What won't happen if this doesn't happen?

Why is this method so effective? When a person is in a situation that requires making a difficult decision, he often gets stuck on the first point and is unable to fully evaluate the situation.

Attention! Be careful when answering the last question - the brain will try to ignore the double negative, and the answer will be identical to the first. It shouldn't be this way.

The Cartesian square allows you to make a balanced decision consciously by considering the problem from four different points of view.

How to make key decisions in your personal life?

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There are two approaches to help you make the right choice: logical and intuitive. In the first case, you need to carefully consider all the options and consequences. Using this approach, you can think through the pros and cons, and analyze the likely benefits and losses of potential options.

It is possible to rely on logic when all the initial information is available and the consequences can be predicted. Typically, the approach is used when the likelihood of risks is high and the results of decision-making are determinable, for example, in business.

The following scheme can be used:

But there are situations when it is almost impossible to imagine how events will develop in the future. There is no previous experience and no opportunity to obtain and analyze information from other sources. And you need to make a choice quickly. In such a situation, there is only one thing left to do - listen to your intuition.

You can also use effective psychological techniques to make a decision.

"Glass of water"

The method of American parapsychologist Jose Silva is typically intuitive, and, despite its non-standard nature, it works:

In the evening, before going to bed, take a glass of clean, unboiled water.
Holding it in both palms, we close our eyes and concentrate on the problem that worries us.
We clearly formulate the issue that needs to be resolved.
Slowly, we drink half a glass, repeating in our thoughts something like this: “This is all that is necessary to make the right decision.”
We place the glass with the rest of the water next to the bed and go to bed.
The next morning, when we wake up, we first drink water and thank the subconscious for the right choice.

A good idea on how to deal with the problem will come immediately after waking up or throughout the day.

"Expanding Options"

Often a person is “stuck” on making one decision: “YES or NO”, “Do or NOT do.” Focusing on this, he does not take other options into account. In a simple example it looks like this. A person is debating whether to buy his dream car on credit or continue using public transport. An alternative to traveling by bus is to purchase an inexpensive car without a loan.

"Good advice"

The human psyche is like this: we easily give the right advice to our acquaintances, but in a similar situation we ourselves act unreasonably. This is due to the fact that when we think about the choice of another person, we notice only the most significant. But when it comes to ourselves, we obsess over the little things. To free yourself from the influence of insignificant things, when making a decision, you need to think about what you would recommend to a friend in a similar situation.

"Delay"

If you can't make a choice, take a break. When the brain is excited and overloaded with information, it is difficult to make the right decision. To avoid the consequences of a wrong choice, take a break, calm down, and once again analyze the pros and cons. There are not too many situations in everyday life that require immediate resolution - don’t be afraid to give yourself a reprieve.

Where does acceptance come from?

“All problems come from childhood” is a common phrase, but it is directly related to our topic. Acceptance starts from early childhood.

In the first years of life, a child recognizes himself, reflecting the values of the adults who raise him (in psychology, this mechanism is called introjection). The feedback he receives is the basis for the formation of the human psyche. This reaction can be very different, and the child will absorb any one.

To better understand the role of acceptance in a child’s life, it is necessary to take a short digression. Let us turn to the theory of object relations - this is one of the main psychoanalytic formulas for personality development. According to this theory, there is a certain core that is formed in the child’s psyche depending on the information that he receives (introjects) from the adult raising him. If a child's emotional needs are ignored, this core will become saturated with rejection.

The baby will verbally or non-verbally catch the message - “you are not there”, “you are not important”.

Speaking about rejection, it is important to remember that the little person is absolutely helpless and completely dependent on those around him. For a child’s psyche, rejection is the worst thing that can happen.

It can even lead to death. Depending on the child’s internal capabilities, his rejection can be directed either at himself or at others.

In the first case, the child has the following thoughts: “All the problems are in me, I’m not good enough” and “I put the needs of other people above my own, I lack internal support.” Such experiences lead to severe discomfort and entail a tendency to self-harm (self-harm) and even suicide. In the second case, people become unapproachable and cold. This will certainly lead to difficulties in relationships with loved ones and complicate a person’s adaptation to the world around him.

Sometimes an adult encourages only positive aspects in a child’s behavior: he ate the whole plate of porridge, brought an A from school, and does not upset the mother. And everyone else is ignored or condemned. The child’s psyche, like a sponge, absorbs these experiences: he begins to think that he exists only in those moments when he is successful.

He reads the verbal-non-verbal message: “You exist, but only partially; You have to be good to deserve attention and love.” But in reality, there are other aspects of personality that remain invisible. At first they are ignored by adults, and subsequently by the person himself.

An analogy can be drawn with how we post selfies on Instagram, trying to demonstrate ourselves from the most advantageous angle. We begin to feel that other aspects of our personality are unattractive and unworthy of attention.

American psychoanalyst Gerald Adler writes about introjective deficiency: this is a situation in which adults deprive the child of emotional support. As a result, he becomes vulnerable, he lacks internal reserve. He becomes strongly dependent on his parents, although with normal development the child strives for independence (“I myself!”).

One of the founders of the theory of object relations, British psychoanalyst Ronald Fairbairn, notes that children in this case are left without internal reserves that could support them in independent life: “They were forced to stay close to their power sources - like a driver who has no gas left. running out, he heads for the gas station.”

There is also a third “undesirable” scenario: if the parent praises the child and encourages any of his actions or whims. In this case, a spoiled child grows up, with a “crown on his head.”

A verbal-non-verbal message that a child reads from adults: “You are the best, you are the king of this world,” “Only you are important, and others are not important.” This “crown” will greatly interfere with relationships with loved ones in the future.

We have all met characters who seek to subjugate and humiliate those around them. Communication with them causes extremely unpleasant emotions. But there is also a downside. If some event shakes the self-esteem of such a person, it will greatly hurt him. After all, life did not prepare him for this.

It is important to note that in the process of growth and development, two directly opposite vectors coexist inside the child. On the one hand, there is a desire for merging, on the other, for separation and independence. Let's give a simple example: at the moment when the baby is in the mother's belly, a situation of complete fusion occurs. He is in the safest environment imaginable. And normally, all the needs of a little person are satisfied automatically.

With the successful development of events, with age a person begins to adhere to a certain golden mean. This position can be formulated as follows: “I am an individual person, with my own desires and needs, and there are also other people who have their own desires and needs. I interact with others equally, without ignoring them or relying on them excessively.” We generalize, but the essence does not change.

If a child receives inadequate feedback in childhood, a bias occurs: either towards fusion or towards absolute autonomy. In the first case, a person wants intimacy, a desire arises to “merge” with everyone around him. In the second, a person thinks that he is completely independent, and those around him do not seem to exist.

What to do if you are in doubt: whether to change jobs or not?

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If you haven’t been happy with your job for a long time, and every morning you dread the production atmosphere you’ll have to plunge into again, maybe it’s finally time to quit? Such difficult decisions should not be made thoughtlessly.

Advice comes from Debra Davenport, PhD, a senior professional career coach and president of DavenportFolio, an entrepreneurial coaching company. She suggests answering a checklist to assess your current situation before making a life-changing decision:

I look forward to going to work almost every day. (ABOUT)
The employer treats me fairly and with respect. (ABOUT)
I live on weekends or any days away from work. (U)
I feel valued as a professional. (ABOUT)
My workplace feels like it's been poisoned. (U)
I can be myself at work and not worry about being judged. (ABOUT)
I am included in the company's information cycle. (ABOUT)
The employer provides opportunities for development and advanced training. (ABOUT)
I don't feel disgusted if there is a need to work extra. (ABOUT)
My work stimulates me intellectually and creatively. (ABOUT)
I feel like I am making a positive contribution to society. (ABOUT)
I get paid well. (ABOUT)
I often find myself daydreaming about a new career. (U)
I feel like my work is a natural extension of who I am. (ABOUT)
I feel successful. (ABOUT)
I feel trapped and stuck in my current situation. (U)
I can count on career growth. (ABOUT)
I like to work as hard as I can. (ABOUT)
My work activities have a negative impact on my loved ones. (U)
I have a desire to try something new and unusual. (U)

If you answered “YES” to the questions under the letter “O”, which means “Stay”, you need to wait a while before changing jobs. If “U” - “Leave” is in the lead, it’s worth taking a closer look at the vacant offers.

What can acceptance be confused with?

Acceptance in itself is a neutral thing.

However, due to the lack of experience of full or partial acceptance, it may be perceived differently. Due to previous negative experiences, acceptance is perceived as something purely positive. What is it often confused with?

With love

If a child in childhood had the experience of rejection or partial acceptance (“you are a good son if you please your mother”), then when faced with acceptance from another person, he experiences surprise. “I’m not good enough, do I really deserve such a good attitude?” And all this taking into account the fact that acceptance is neutrality.

When a person is used to being devalued and challenged, acceptance is experienced as something extremely positive. Sometimes this is enough to make you feel important and valuable. A person may even confuse this feeling with love.

However, it should be noted that acceptance is an integral component of love.

A clear example from life: receiving acceptance is similar to going from minus to zero on a credit card. It seems that the debt has been repaid, and in contrast to what happened, this brings joy.

With humility or passivity

In our culture, humility is something associated with submitting to someone else's will against one's own, something beyond one's control. Even the phrase “I’ve come to terms with it” sounds forced and joyless. Humility is perceived as the act of suppressing one's disagreement with something.

But the process of acceptance is more about allowing than suppression. It is the process itself, as well as its result, that becomes important to us.

If humility is a position like “my friend constantly humiliates me, but how can I be angry with him if he has such a character?”, then acceptance can be expressed by saying “my friend constantly humiliates me, and I am angry with him, I will not pretend that everything is okay.” Do you feel the difference?

When we say: “I accept my friend as he is, even though he humiliates me,” this is “false acceptance,” not real acceptance. In fact, we internally react to humiliation, but we try to disguise it or deny it. But it is impossible to deceive yourself.

A similar situation arises with a person’s acceptance of his “shortcomings.” Take the current topic of body positivity. Having superficially perceived the ideas of this movement, a person learns one thing: to be dissatisfied with one’s body is wrong, we need to accept ourselves as we are. And he begins to publicly tell how he likes the “imperfections” of his body.

It's good if this is true. However, dissatisfaction is often hidden behind the noble mask of acceptance. A person is gnawed by doubts: “Here I don’t like one thing, but here I don’t like something else.” This situation can also be classified as “false acceptance.” It is important to look at the root of your dissatisfaction, and not try to mask or deny it.

To summarize what has been said, let us turn again to the words of Alexander Badkhen:

“…acceptance is different from submission to oneself or others, making excuses for shortcomings or indulging in weaknesses. Acceptance means paying calm and clear attention to both possibilities and limitations. Acceptance is about recognizing what really is. Acceptance is different from passivity and is made possible through awareness.”

How to decide to move to another place?

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Although the world is full of magical places, we spend most of our lives in only one, apart from going on vacation. But sometimes everything gets boring, and we start thinking about moving. This step seems scary, but getting out of your comfort zone is the best way to learn and grow.

Making decisions about moving is not easy. First you need to analyze the strengths and weaknesses of the choice:

Why You Need It? Doubts mean that not all issues have yet been resolved.
What do you like and dislike about where you currently live? What are you afraid of losing? Take a notepad and write down the pros and cons. It will be clear whether you are able to mitigate such problems.
What do you expect to find in your new location? Moving from one city to a similar locality will essentially change little. If you want dramatic changes, you need to move to a populated area with a different population density.
What is your family expecting? Evaluate the future financial capabilities, the availability of medical care in the new place, the availability of good kindergartens, schools and universities, and the ability to satisfy other social needs.

It must be borne in mind that it is those close to you who usually prevent you from making an important decision about changing your place of residence. Therefore, the whole family must prepare for the move, carefully discussing every worrying moment.

Carry out the analysis not mentally, but on paper. This will make it easier to work through each point. For example, find pen pals on social networks, find out real estate prices, visit sites with job offers, and estimate the salary level in the region in your specialty. You should also calculate the cost of relocation, the demand for the profession in the labor market, or the conditions for developing your own business.

How to decide to move, psychologist Natalya Tolstaya tells in the video:

How to act if it is difficult to make any decisions?

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The easiest way to quickly make decisions in difficult situations is to put aside your fears and step forward.

The psychological characteristics of a person are such that the fear of making decisions paralyzes us. We fear the outcome, analyzing it to such an extent that we end up frozen in misery.

Attention! The key to getting out of this deep freeze is to face these fears and give them names.

Write down the worst things that can happen. For example, you have problems with your spouse and you want to express your grievances. But you are afraid that this will lead to a big quarrel and even divorce. See if you can handle this worst case scenario? By reflecting on this, you can see that although your fears are rigid, they can also be manageable.

Method 10/10/10

Former Harvard Business Review editor and popular author, television commentator, and journalist Susie Welch has invented a simple tool that can help you move forward. The method is called 10/10/10 and is described in the book with the same title . The author advises thinking about the choice you are about to make in three different time frames:

How will you feel about it in 10 minutes?
How about 10 months later?
And in 10 years?

This tool helps you see things from a new perspective and ensures that regret does not become a part of life. If we can anticipate the negative consequences of the choices we make now, we can change the path to a better one.

Creative visualization

Psychology suggests using the method of creative visualization for speedy decision-making. Ask yourself, how do you define personal success? Write your answer in a journal or on a piece of paper. Then visualize your ideal, future self. Do this by taking a relaxed position, closing your eyes and allowing your mind to wander into daydreams.

Describe to yourself what you see and feel. Thanks to this technique, you can imagine what you want to achieve at this stage, and what you can sacrifice when making decisions.

TED Talker Technique

If all else fails, the TED Talker technique created by Ruth Chang will help you get out of stagnation. Write down all the advantages and disadvantages of the result of making and not making a decision. It works especially well if a person is stuck at a fork in the road and cannot choose between two marriage proposals, two jobs, or two schools for children.

How to make a difficult decision using the Ruth Chang method - on video:

Why acceptance is a great opportunity for change

“A curious paradox arises - when I accept myself as I am, I change. I think this is what many clients' experiences, as well as my own, have taught me, and that is that we don't change until we unconditionally accept ourselves for who we really are. And then the change happens as if imperceptibly.”
- from Carl Rogers's book "Emerging Personality."

It must be emphasized here that acceptance in itself is already a change. The moment our perspective on a situation changes, new opportunities appear. This happens even before we can directly influence the problem situation.

What we end up with is that when I truly accept something, I have a choice. I can leave everything as it is (but this will no longer be a passive choice) or I can take conscious action regarding this situation.

What else to read about this:

Alexander Badkhen. "Lyrical philosophy of psychotherapy"
Gerald Adler. "Loneliness and borderline psychopathology: links to child development"
Carl Rogers. "Becoming a Personality"
Daniel P. Brown, David S. Elliott. "Adult Attachment Disorders: Treatment for Comprehensive Recovery"
Ronald Fairbairn. "Psychoanalytic study of personality"

What books will help indecisive people?

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In addition to the already mentioned book “10/10/10”, there are other printed guides on the topic of decision making. Three of them are a must read.

"Think Slowly... Decide Fast" by Daniel Kahneman . Doctor of Philosophy, psychologist and Nobel Prize winner in economics studied human behavior for many years and came to the conclusion that only the simultaneous use of the instinctive and rational parts of the mind during decision-making will allow one to quickly make the right choice in any situation. His guidance will be useful in all areas of life: from solving everyday problems to major business strategies. It is especially useful for those who always put off making important decisions.

"Switch" by Chip Heath and Dan Heese . The authors of the book believe that on a subconscious level we seem to block ourselves from achieving important changes in business or in our personal lives, and therefore we cannot make the right decisions in a timely manner. The conflict between rational and emotional thinking is to blame. The guide contains practical techniques on how to resolve it.

"The Right Choice" by John Hammond, Ralph Keeney and Howard Raiffa. A practical guide to decision making in business with specific techniques and methods. The book gives answers to any question: which strategy to prefer for entrepreneurship, which applicant to hire, when to launch a new project.

Why, even after receiving the desired grade, a person may not feel satisfied?

The image cannot be happy, and the real me cannot be recognized. It takes a lot of effort to fit into an image, and that doesn't give recognition. It often happens that people recognize our image (the idea of us), and not the real us. And we, the real ones, may not be needed by these people. It may not be because they are “bad.” The fact is that the need of these people lies in the plane of what mask they are wearing at the moment. For example, a boss may recognize his subordinate only because he is convenient for him, without knowing at all what he is like in reality. In this case, this may be enough for both.