So, they threw an insult at you. And they don’t want to explain the reason. Or maybe they even started to ignore you? Be that as it may, I will tell you what to do if you are offended.
This is a widespread problem. Someone in your life is upset with you. This could be a friend, girlfriend, sexual partner, colleague... One way or another, this is a person with whom you spend a lot of time. Suddenly something happened, and this man was offended, and not even seriously. What to do in such a situation?
Today we'll talk about this.
I have already touched on this topic several times in articles such as “What to do if a friend ignores you”, “What to do if a friend is offended and does not want to talk”, “What to do when your best friend ignores you” and “If a friend does not want to communicate , is it worth imposing.”
What will be discussed next applies not only to friends and girlfriends, but to everyone with whom you have any relationship, business, romantic, etc.
And before I tell you what needs to be done, we need to clear up a couple of things.
Insults
Most people can often be rude and present others in a bad light. Such situations can occur with people of different ages, from early childhood to adulthood. Not all people can insult and be rude. There are those who simply do not know what to do in such situations. What to do if you are offended? This question concerns everyone who has been insulted at least once in their life. It makes you think about your actions and actions towards other people.
Is resentment useful?
Resentment is a feeling, of course, unpleasant, but at the same time useful. It helps you better understand yourself, correct your behavior and relationships with others. If you pay attention to this feeling, you can understand your desires and build a more effective strategy for achieving them. This is what you need to do with offended people - make them understand their true desires. And then help achieve them in a more productive way.
For example, if a person wants to get attention from someone, then he can achieve this in three different ways:
- Just ask. People around you don’t know how to read each other’s thoughts, and if you don’t talk directly about your feelings, then, alas, no one will understand them.
- Place a bet. You can bet that if you pay more attention to a person, then in return he will also begin to pay attention.
- Interest. Introduce some novelty into interpersonal relationships.
Why are people rude? What are the reasons for their behavior like this?
In order to understand how to act in such situations, it is important to understand the reasons for the occurrence of such behavior in another person. After all, knowing the reason, you don’t have to take the person’s words seriously. An insult can be immediately responded to beautifully and without developing further conflict. People can be rude and humiliate another person for the following reasons:
- The person is unhappy and cannot fully enjoy himself. In this situation, he may insult others for the reason that he considers himself unhappy. That is, he has nothing to be happy about in life. At the same time, shouting at another helps him feel happy.
- There is no reason to be offended. There are people who simply feed on negative energy, and their screams are a common condition that does not allow them to live in a normal way. He wastes his nerves, his emotions, because he has pain inside.
- By reducing the importance of another person, many people boost their ego. As you know, ego is a state of mind that helps a person feel a personality within himself. But this feeling should be in moderation. Because otherwise, he will simply rise above the other person, picking on him for petty offenses. The important thing to remember here is that everyone has their own shortcomings.
What does the proverb sound like in V. I. Dahl?
In the dictionary of an outstanding lexicographer, instead of “offended,” the word “angry” is used, and the proverb has a continuation: “on a stubborn horse.” This ending emphasizes the failure of delivering water using this vehicle. After all, usually for such work they used non-aggressive, hardy animals that grew old doing such hard work. Russian writers in their works compared obedience to a water-carrying nag.
Where did the expression come from: “They carry water for the offended?” Initially, it was still about angry people who were not warned about some kind of higher retribution, but were given advice - to remember the norms of Christian morality, to extinguish their own anger, to pour splashing water over it. This is evidenced by the St. Petersburg Museum “World of Water”, which cites a historical fact: angry water carriers were fined and forced to carry water for free.
What should you do if you are offended?
What to do if you are offended? In such a situation, it is important to behave as required by behavior and communication norms. You don't always have to stoop to the same level and offend him with your words and actions. After all, a weak and insecure person insults. There are a lot of such people in life, it is impossible to get rid of them. Therefore, you should not take it seriously and not pay attention to it.
But what if you were seriously offended? What to do in such a situation? There are a large number of cases when you can be rude. A conflict situation may occur, and during it insults will surface. This is perhaps the most common occurrence in life, and it can happen to almost anyone.
Relationships, family and other troubles
Resentment is common to all people, but it is most often experienced by those who are married or in a serious relationship. Often psychologists have to answer questions such as: “I offended my husband very much, what should I do?”, “My wife was offended and left, how can I get her back?” etc.
If resentment arises in a relationship, no matter on whose side, then this is the first signal that says something needs to be updated, changed or developed. Or people are simply under a lot of stress at work and just need a break. Not from each other, but from all “this.”
Psychologists strongly advise making friends with resentment, then a person will understand what he is missing in this life. And yet, what to do with an offended person?
If you are an abuser...
It happens that a person did not want to do this. But, alas, it happened in a fit of strong emotions. Then many become interested in knowing how to behave if you have offended a person? What to do in such a situation? It's easier here. After all, it’s enough just to stop saying nonsense and simply ask for an apology, explaining your impulse that it’s just emotions.
History of the saying: other versions
The second option also applies to water carriers. Horses for work were selected from those that were no longer suitable for military operations, transporting people, etc. As a rule, these were old geldings that had long since finished their race. Such horses moved slowly, their heads were lowered down. Over the years of work, they studied their route so much that the water carrier did not even have to pull the reins.
In appearance, the horse looked like an offended or tired person. And once upon a time she rushed, competing in speed with a gust of wind, and she herself could inflict offense on anyone. It could be compared to fire. Therefore, the statement in ancient sources can be seen as a continuation of the phrase that they carry fire on the offenders.
School. What to do if your child is bullied by his peers at school?
Insult is always unpleasant words. They may be addressed to another person. What to do if you are offended? You can act in such a situation in different ways. Depending on the person who is being rude, and on the moment at which the incident occurred.
There are different areas of a person's life that will also differentiate when conflicts and abuse occur. For example, school. This is a place where children of different ages come to study. They spend a lot of time in it, gain knowledge on subjects, and sometimes also life experience.
If a child is bullied at school, what should parents and children do? First of all, it is important to remember that if a child is offended, then only parents should monitor this and stand up for the child. Each person understands the word “offend” differently. Its essence is also conveyed to children in various ways.
Boys are prone to frequent insults; during the game they may say offensive words or commit some action. Your child does not need to be taught that it is necessary to repeat the same movement and say the same words. After all, it often happens to children that after half an hour they are already playing again. And when adults are taught to respond to bad actions with bad deeds, then these scandals will only begin to grow.
Modification of a proverb
How did the proverb appear: “They carry water for the offended”? At first, the mentioned statement was reduced to the phrase “to carry water,” which meant “to burden a person with humiliating and extremely hard work, to exploit him, taking advantage of his kindness and flexible character.” The object did not have any negative traits; on the contrary, he was kind and hard-working and usually carried everything to himself and was lucky. In this case - water.
Then the saying began to be applied to a person who has excellent physical health, but at the same time works at half capacity: “Yes, you can carry water!” Statements arose where a subject appears who leads the process. Most often these were the servants of hell: “The devils carry water on it!”
If we return to the original version proposed by V.I. Dahl, then the proverb was often applied to those who were angry without reason. Synonyms for the word “angry” were the words “inflated” and “offended.” The latter has increasingly begun to be used independently. You should pay attention to the fact that the options “touchy” or “offended” are not used. The use of an adjective or active participle would be more justified, but the phrase contains a passive participle. It talks about who was offended.
Many researchers believe that this can be explained by the process of jargonization of the language. In prisons, the despised “low-down” criminals, who, as a lower caste, only had to carry water, that is, engage in hard and humiliating work, were called offended.
Advice for parents of children who are bullied at school
So what should you do if your child is bullied at school? Let's figure it out now. It is important for parents to solve children's problems from a very early age, or rather, to help them cope in difficult situations. Children come from different families, with different abilities and ability to behave. Therefore, it is worth focusing on their education. If a child often begins to hear bad words addressed to him, then over time he will simply withdraw and stop developing as a person, because he will have fear. Unfortunately, this can happen once and for a lifetime. Therefore, from a very early age, it is important to accustom a child to the possibility of aggression from other people and words of insult.
Parents must clearly separate the words and actions of classmates. If these are just verbal insults, then it is important to teach the child to react and respond to them correctly. But it also happens that the matter takes a different turn, namely, the child may be hit. In this case, the parents are simply obliged to stand up for him.
Abstract yourself from the situation
How to abstract yourself from a situation that causes resentment? There are several effective techniques available even to those who have never been interested in meditative practices.
How to abstract yourself from the situation:
- Take revenge on the offender mentally. Close your eyes, turn on your imagination and imagine the picture of the punishment in detail. Scientists have long come to the conclusion that our brain is indifferent to the format of visualization and if we have presented something, the brain can count this event as accomplished and stop being offended.
- Make a list of your grievances and complaints against the offender, and then burn it with the words “I forgive you.” Don’t ask “what to do with the list”? It is the list that needs to be burned, not the offender.
- Turn off the sound, at least after the fact. The next time you replay an unpleasant and offensive situation in your brain, imagine that it is happening on the TV screen and turn off the sound. Enjoy the picture of how the aggressor helplessly waves his paws and silently opens his mouth, twisted with anger.
Now let’s summarize all the tips and recommendations on how to leave the past in the past, how to forgive an offense and whether this should always be done.
How to forgive an offense:
- Develop a sense of humor and not be offended by jokes, humor, statements and anecdotes if they are not addressed to you personally.
- Learn to understand people and understand the motives that make them offend others, including you. This will make it easier to develop combat tactics.
- Eliminate toxic people from your social circle, with whom you have nothing in common and on whom you do not depend in any way. No person - no problem.
- Formally agree with the person on whom you depend that he is right about something. This will trick your brain because you can't be offended by something you even partially agree with.
- Instead of being offended by a loved one the next time, ask them directly about the reasons for the attacks or ask them to refrain from making inappropriate jokes or comments. Often this solves the problem completely.
- Distance yourself and abstract yourself from the situation - take revenge mentally, burn the list of grievances, turn off the sound of the grievance.
- Insults inflicted in the format of direct insults should not be forgiven, but rather demand an apology. In difficult cases, contact law enforcement agencies and the court.
To make it easier for you to cope with grievances, or better yet to stop being offended altogether, we recommend taking our “Mental Self-Regulation” program, which will help you learn to keep yourself under control in any situation.
We wish you exclusively positive communication and positive emotions from this life!
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- 10 life lessons from The Lion King
- Questions to Find Meaning and Happiness
- Top 7 ways to leave the past in the past
- How to fix your mistake
- Forms of verbal violence
- Overcoming the fear of confrontation
- How to deal with unconstructive criticism
- Formation of correct self-esteem
- Hurtful words and insults: how to react and defend yourself
- Victim Syndrome
Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation
What to do if your spouse hurt you?
Unfortunately, abuse can happen even within the walls of your own home. This is the feeling that can be caused during a quarrel or scandal. Most often, such aggressive actions can occur between husband and wife. Spouses often argue and allow themselves to say bad words.
If your husband offends you, what should you do in this case? Of course, it is important to understand that if you receive insults, then each person in the couple is to blame. Rarely can a spouse utter words of humiliation to his significant other just like that. Most often, it is an incident that happened that provokes the manifestation of such emotions. Adults should calm down and find a compromise in resolving a conflict dispute. There are some types of cases when the husband seriously offends, and in this case ordinary conversations cannot be done. Here it is worth looking for the reason for this occurrence and solving the problem as quickly as possible.
Version of the origin of the proverb in Peter's times
At the beginning of the 18th century, water was transported using water carriers. This was a respected position that included a horse and cart and other equipment. Water was transported in barrels of different colors, each of them intended for liquid from different sources: for drinking, household needs, and so on. There were tricksters who did not want to travel far and passed off industrial water as suitable for human consumption. And during the drought they even charged for their services.
Peter I was angry when rumors about this reached the imperial court. He issued a law to punish the wicked. Water carriers caught in deception were forced to deliver water all day instead of the horse, which was unharnessed from the cart. If a person fulfilled the requirement, his position was retained and the horse was returned. If not, then he was left without work. Therefore, water carriers were offended by such a decree, but they delivered water. Losing my position was worse. This is how the saying appeared: “They carry water for the offended.”
What to do if you offend a man?
It also happens that a woman offends a man. What to do in such a situation? It's a little easier here. The whole reason is that a woman can offend and immediately be able to easily and simply make amends for her guilt. After all, she is full of charm and attractiveness, which she can take advantage of. It’s actually easy to offend a man, especially when you know his weak points and simply cling to them. In the modern world, men are no longer those knights on horses who can stand up for themselves and for the interests of their women.
Folk wisdom
One bad saying has long been rooted in folk art. What do they do with the offended? That's right, they carry water. Although this is only part of the saying. It reads in full like this: “They carry water on the offended, and fire on the offenders.” Sounds quite logical.
Although, it doesn't take much to offend someone. Resentment is a person’s reaction to an external stimulus and is exclusively his problem. Sometimes bullies don't even realize that someone is angry at them. It is rightly said that resentment is the problem of the offended person.
So, let's get back to what they do with the offended. The saying, which has long been heard by everyone, has several versions of its origin.
Advice for people who are offended for no reason
Now you know what to do if you are offended. And here it is important to make key points. First of all, you should be smarter than the one who offends. And this means that sometimes you need to remain silent and ignore a person. Of course, you can’t always give up and remain silent. Because there are situations that do not allow repetition. Then it’s worth responding nicely and clearly to the insult.
You need to remember that the loser is the one who offends. Such people should be pitied. After all, they are unhappy in life, they do not have their own happiness and things to do that would simply distract them from negative thoughts. You can respond to insults with the same actions and words. The person will understand that he is wrong and perhaps apologize for his actions. At the moment of insult, it is necessary to turn off emotions. After all, sometimes they will simply spoil the whole picture and only lead to a negative result. It is important to perceive yourself as an individual, behave like a person and understand that there are people around you who want to live, enjoy every day, raise children and be happy. But they have their own character and behavioral characteristics. Therefore, it is important to treat them the same way as they do.
Subservience
It also happens that a person devotes himself entirely to the interests of those around him, only to end up being offended by them. Like, I’m everything to them, and they don’t do anything in return. Such a person simply wants to be treated the same way he treats others. Although he does not show it, referring to the fact that he does everything from the bottom of his heart. Moreover, he doesn’t even understand that he wants attention and support. What to do with the offended in this case? Absolutely nothing. Just leave them alone so that they understand what and why they were offended.
Summarize
What is resentment, why is it dangerous and how to get rid of it?
Photo: Depositphotos Resentment is a simple and effective way to get what you want, which is why many people use it. But they don’t understand the damage they cause to their biology.
Resentment is not a fleeting negative reaction - it can sit in a person for years and slowly destroy him from the inside. Sometimes these damages are irreparable.
In order not to harm your health, learn to track resentment in time and get rid of it. Here are six simple, effective techniques to help you. Over time, self-analysis will become a habit. And this is a direct route to a successful harmonious life.
Material prepared by: Alisa Guseva Cover photo: Depositphotos
