“If you don’t control it, everything will go wrong.”
“For everything to go well, you need to think through every detail of your every action.”
“Only by planning ahead can you achieve success.”
These and similar beliefs often help people move forward and achieve what they want. There are situations where they are useful. But what if such beliefs apply to any life event? What if a person is trying to control everything completely?
Life is a thing that cannot be completely predicted. And for many people, this fact is a source of constant, chronic stress. If something doesn't go according to plan, a person finds himself in a state of stress.
Today we will talk about excessive control, when it is not beneficial, but harmful.
Excessive control (psychologists also use the term “overcontrol”) can manifest itself in different ways. For example, on weekends, instead of resting, a person constantly checks his email and calls to work.
The controller does not like to entrust certain matters to other people: what if they do something wrong? The controller also seeks to check the behavior of others.
The controller’s head is constantly filled with a thousand thoughts, which can sometimes be very exhausting: “What if such and such happens? What’s the best thing to do?”, “If it’s like this, then I’ll do it this way.”
How to recognize a control freak in yourself
Control freaks are not uncommon. We encounter them almost every day, it’s just that it’s expressed to varying degrees in everyone. How to understand that you or your loved ones are among them?
Are you sure that everything depends only on you?
You believe that you can influence everything in this world. Without your opinion, not a single decision will be made, the snow will not melt, the birds will not fly south.
Everything must go according to plan and nothing else
You are always making lists and plans, and the slightest deviation from the course is terrifying. A carefully planned trip to the cinema went wrong, the scrambled eggs were slightly burnt? This is nothing short of a disaster.
Your motto: if you want something done well, do it yourself
Delegating tasks and working as a team are not your strong point. You are confident that no one else can do better. Whether it's a quarterly report, a beef chop, or flying a jet.
You don't trust people
Your level of distrust of others reaches its maximum. You doubt the competence of specialists and sometimes even take on tasks that you don’t understand.
You think you know better than others
You do not skimp on advice, because you are sure that you know better. And you defend your opinion to the last, until they listen to it and do it as it should.
You're always right
You must always be right. And just let anyone try to doubt that what you said is the ultimate truth.
You are very critical of other people's mistakes
Since you know everything and are always right, you do not accept the mistakes of others. Moreover, according to your version, you can take control of any situation.
You prepare yourself for a bad outcome and try to prevent it in advance
It’s a good idea to think broadly and think through the possible outcomes of different situations in advance. But focusing on this is bad, especially in cases where you cannot influence the circumstances. And you are ready to give up all your strength to find a solution that in reality does not exist.
You must be aware of everything
How can you control a situation without knowing about it? You need to be aware if someone is about to make a life-changing decision without asking.
You are a perfectionist in the last stage
You are always right, you know everything and can cope with any task better than an experienced specialist. Your desire for perfection has reached its limit. And even when it is no longer possible to do better, you are convinced that it is possible. Of course, provided that you do it yourself.
You have a lot of fears
Your biggest fear is that something will not go according to plan. Therefore, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and protect yourself from unforeseen situations at any time. Unfortunately, force majeure circumstances have not been canceled.
Overcontrol has two main consequences:
- Chronic tension. There is always a risk of unforeseen situations, and for a controller this is scary. Therefore, he is in constant good shape.
- Refusal of opportunities. Trying to act only according to the plan, the controller pushes himself into a narrow framework and does not see new opportunities that do not fit into the original plan. For example, if an inspector came to the forest to pick mushrooms and discovered that other people had collected all the mushrooms before him, he may become very upset, angry and not notice a large raspberry patch full of tasty and ripe berries.
Where does obsessive mania come from?
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
The obsessive desire to always control the situation is evidence of a certain internal imbalance. As a rule, the reason for this behavior may be increased anxiety and the desire for power.
Control freaks are afraid of everything that violates their usual way of life and does not fit into their world. Their actions are a defensive reaction and an attempt to protect themselves from unnecessary shocks.
As a consequence of the desire for power, total control manifests itself in a person’s acute desire to not only be aware of the events happening to him and his loved ones, but also to take direct part in them.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
Most often, all problems come from childhood. It happens that a child was controlled too much, and when he grew up, he began to transfer this same control to others.
It turns out that sometimes we ourselves contribute to the emergence of control freaks. Excessive parental care in childhood leaves a mark and can have a significant impact on a person’s behavior pattern in the future.
How to get rid of the habit of controlling everything
We are often told to take responsibility and never lose control of a situation. But is this always correct?
I know several people with varying levels of desire for control. And in all cases, people suffer from being forced to do it. But they can’t do otherwise.
First story. Girl, 30 years old. Suffering from OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder). Her main fear is dirt. She washes one plate for 5 minutes, runs to wash her hands every 15 minutes, and spends 2 hours in the bathroom in the evening. No, she doesn’t bask in the water with champagne in her hands, but washes herself several times until she’s sure she’s clean. After the shower, she goes to bed so as not to get her hands dirty and not get dirty herself. And she forces her husband to do the same.
Second story. A friend of mine (40 years old), trying to keep track of everything all the time, writes down 3 pages of his diary every day. That writes? Call your wife to buy a certain cookie (and never any other), remind your mom that a plumber is coming to see her, remind your sister to sign up for a nutrition class, remind your brother about the vehicle inspection. In addition, in the office, every day after lunch, he calls his subordinates to him and demands a report on what they did that day. As a result, he himself gets tired, and his relatives complain that he is suffocating them, and his colleagues are simply howling: he won’t let them work.
I also have a friend who can’t stand playgrounds (according to her, it’s dangerous there and everyone is evil), and taking a walk with her child is a real problem for her. But more on that a little later.
Why do some people strive to control everything so much?
Control itself is evolutionarily justified and saves us from situations associated with danger. Who knows if humanity would have survived if primitive people had not been on their guard?
A modern person should also not lose vigilance: it is important to be careful on the road, hold your bag in crowded places, check electricity and gas before leaving the house, respond in time to health problems, hide medicines, sharp and dangerous objects, etc. from a small child. This is all clear. But traumas hidden in the subconscious sometimes force many of us to do unnecessary and not always justified things.
For example, the girl in the first story developed OCD after her husband cheated on her. She treated betrayal as dirt, which should not exist in a relationship. She forgave her husband, but she is still struggling with the dirt. The man in the second story fell into total control neurosis quite a long time ago. In 1996. This happened during the entrance exams when he failed to get an A. The grade was not enough for a passing grade when entering a university on a budget. He was able to enroll the next year and graduated with honors and... an excellent student complex. Now he is very afraid of messing up and is afraid that others will do it.
Why do people engage so actively in excessive control?
This control relieves tension from long-standing unprocessed traumas - betrayal of a husband/wife, fear of being a loser, a poor student, fear of getting sick, getting into an unpleasant situation, etc.
Having total control over everything, a person feels more or less well for a while, and then gets tired or gets sick because he has taken on an unbearable burden. But that's not so bad.
No less stress and disappointment in life comes from a full, adult realization that not everything depends on us. This means that the feeling of security and control turns out to be illusory.
Is it possible to cope with anxious thoughts about the future?
If you have been diagnosed with OCD, it is better to work with psychotherapists or clinical psychologists. By the way, this problem is well solved in group therapy.
If the level of anxiety is not so high, but it is already annoying you, you can cope on your own or with a psychologist using cognitive behavioral therapy.
Falling Arrow Technique
Allows you to find flaws in logical thinking and get to the root of the problem.
My client does not like to walk with her child (2.5 years old) and does not tolerate it when one of her relatives volunteers to walk with him. And I ask her questions to get to the core of the problem. You can ask yourself these questions yourself, changing “you” to “me”.
– Why don’t you like to walk? – Because on the playground I need to control everything: where the child went, who he talks to. Or maybe he's talking to the wrong person? I need to stop the conversation. You need to know where he went, whether he will fall, whether it’s safe, or whether he needs to be kept there all the time. You have to constantly look at him. I'm getting tired of this.
– Why don’t you let his relatives go for walks with him? – Because others don’t know how to control like that.
– What does control give you? “My child won’t hit himself, no one will hurt him.”
– What will happen if you don’t control it so actively? - He will hit himself, or someone will hurt him.
– What will this mean for you? - This means that I am a bad mother! And I don't want to be her!
As soon as we track the chain of emotional judgments, we can already work with them and discuss them.
- What does a “bad mother” mean and why will you become one if in the right split second you react a little slower than Bruce Lee?
- Is it necessary to protect your child from all the children you didn’t like, or is it better to teach your child to reason and analyze without leaving the cash register: “Look, this boy is wrong, he beats his grandmother,” “This girl is wrong - toys in the cafe are shared” ?
- Are there exact criteria for the concept of “bad mother”? And if they appear, will you have the opportunity to correct them?
Searching for answers may not lead to a quick and clear solution to the problem, but it will make you feel more relaxed. When we shift our focus from the uncertain future to the present, or better yet, to the root of the problem, steering becomes easier. And change your decisions too.
Why is that bad
In everyday life
In addition to the fact that you annoy those around you with constant pressure, first of all you torture yourself. A lot of energy is spent on solving non-existent problems, worrying about little things and trying to influence situations beyond your control. If you do not get the desired result, then you are experiencing an internal tragedy. Even if it’s because they didn’t put a second piece of sugar in your coffee. These experiences significantly reduce your quality of life, when you could be directing your energy in a different direction.
In a relationship
You won't like it if your every breath is controlled. Trust is the foundation of strong, long-lasting relationships, but for a control freak, it's a touchy subject. It is logical that the desire to be aware of all the actions of the partner, constantly checking messages on the phone and intrusive questions will not bring joy to any of the participants in the relationship.
In progress
Sitting late late finishing reports, communicating with clients, while doing routine work, when there is an entire department sitting idle is a little strange. Instead of fulfilling your direct responsibilities, you take on tasks for which your colleagues are responsible. And not because they decided to help, but because of uncertainty about their competence. Even if you are a specialist with a capital letter, you are unlikely to be the first candidate for a promotion. After all, you don’t know how to delegate, and, apparently, you think that you are working with fools, since you do everything for them.
What is the alternative to excessive control?
Nowadays, many people use the phrase “being in the flow.” What does it mean? You have expectations, plans and dreams that you strive for. But at the same time, you are in the moment “here and now”, calmly and joyfully accept what is happening, use the events that happen to you for your own benefit.
Instead of thinking: “Oh horror! My plans have collapsed!”, you should say to yourself: “Yeah. It happened like this. How can I use this? Relaxation, improvisation and trust in the events that happen “here and now”, the ability to benefit from them, is the best alternative to excessive control.
How to deal with it
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
If you begin to notice such behavior patterns in yourself, I recommend spending a “totally crazy day” to decompress. Take a different route to work, have breakfast in an unusual place, that is, change your usual way of life a little.
The expert explains that it is important to understand: nothing critical will happen if you are a little late for work, eat a piece of cake for lunch instead of soup, or take a walk in the evening instead of a planned trip to the store.
Exhale a little, loosen your grip and please yourself with a spontaneous decision. The main thing is to realize the fact that there is a problem and give yourself relief so as not to bring the situation to a critical limit.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
Since the problem also lies in mistrust, first of all you need to deal with it. I recommend reading the work of Stephen Covey Jr. "The speed of trust." This book clearly explains that by trusting yourself, others and the situation, life becomes 10% easier and more interesting.
By overcoming mistrust, you will solve at least one problem. And if mistrust is the root of other, even bigger problems, then you will kill several birds with one stone.
This obsessive state is very tiring
It seems that your employees will somehow tolerate your pathological desire to control everything, but your household members are literally suffocating, unable to take a single step without your knowledge. Haven't the mania for total control tired of you yet? If yes, we will tell you how to get rid of the obsessive desire to hold control threads in your hands.
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What to do for loved ones
If someone from your environment turns out to be a control freak, you need to learn to say calmly but clearly: “No, thank you.” Or even better, more gently: “Thank you for your concern, but I will do as I see fit.”
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
Sometimes it can be difficult to point out flaws in people close to you, but with control freaks it is necessary. You need to act delicately, but at the same time confidently, in order to draw a clear boundary in your relationship.
It is important to find suitable phrases for a specific person and discuss with him the points that do not suit you. For some, it’s enough to hear: “Okay, everything will be your way.” This immediately relieves tension and allows you to seek compromise in a calm environment.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
The expert advises to immediately determine what type of control freak you are: dependent, paranoid or narcissist, and what exactly his desire is. Obviously, a narcissist will want to hear that he is the best, but a paranoid person wants to know that everything will be fine. Don't be afraid to discuss the problem, try to find an approach to your control freak. Even if you don't succeed the first time, don't give up. This is better than silently accumulating grievances.
How to achieve this?
It’s easy to say, “Relax, let go, and learn to make the best of what you have.” This is much more difficult to do.
If you are used to being in total control of everything, then a simple logical understanding that you should let go of the situation will not help. No matter how hard you try to “be in the flow,” you most likely will not succeed.
As soon as something unpredictable happens, tension is bound to arise. Tension appears involuntarily and cannot be controlled through willpower or logic.
How then? A great way to learn to let go of control is to start meditating regularly.
The entire subsequent text will be devoted to an analysis of how meditation helps you learn to let go of control. This information is primarily addressed to those people who are at least generally familiar with the practice of meditation. If you came across this article by chance and don’t know what meditation is, you may not be entirely clear what I’m writing about. My blog has a ton of articles on meditation. You can start getting acquainted with meditation practice with this material:
Look inside yourself more often
When a person holds the threads of control in his hands, he is often not aware of the motives of his behavior. He lives this way out of habit, without really looking into the deep processes of his own consciousness. If you find yourself caught off guard and realize that you have an overwhelming urge to regain control of the situation, stop and look inside yourself. Now find the motives for your aspiration. Perhaps you are dominated by a fear of failure, a reluctance to hear other people judge you, or a lack of trust in others. Among these and other factors, there is one that makes you especially vulnerable. It's about the fear of failure. But the more often you begin to look deep into your own consciousness, the stronger your connection with the world around you will become.
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How loved ones can help
- If you and a loved one are anxious. Only collective therapy will help. For example, if a child grew up in an anxious family, it will be difficult for him to independently fight the desire to control everything. When everyone deals with the problem, discusses and shares their impressions together, the feeling of anxiety will subside for everyone.
- If you are an anxious person, and your loved one is calm. In this case, the latter unknowingly helps with his behavior model. Watch him more, and one day the thought may come to your mind: “Wow, he lives without excessive control, and nothing collapses.” This way you will see that an iron grip in all areas of life is not so necessary.
- If you are a calm person, and your loved one is anxious. Tell the person more often: “It’s okay, even if something happens. I understand what you're going through, but we can get through this. You and I have been through this before, and everything was fine.” The main task is not to connect with the thoughts of the “anxious person.” Otherwise, you will come up with scary ideas together and not only increase anxiety, but also become involved in it. If you see that a person is worried, keep a calm expression on your face and do not support his negative moods. But don’t go into depreciation. “It’s all in your head, what nonsense?” - that’s not necessary. Better: “I understand that you are worried, but it seems to me that everything will be fine.”
