Respect: what is it and how to get it?

Author of the material:

Inna Trofimova

writer, psychologist, gestalt therapist

Rene Descartes said, “Respect for others gives rise to respect for oneself.” And he was right: these two expressions of respect maintain harmony, which protects us from exhausting conflicts and misunderstandings. Who (or what) else demands respect? What to do if you literally feel someone else's disrespect? What actions can you use to emphasize the value of another person? And why can an advance be obtained not only in money? The answers are in the article.

What is respect?

Respect is the ability to take into account the boundaries and interests of other people, to see and recognize their merits, to notice individuality, to observe a socially acceptable format of communication, to interact without causing moral or physical harm. This is the ability to accept without judgment the actions, behavior, and statements of another person, even if we do not share or understand his motives. Respect is a constant in the formula of human relationships and one's own identity.

Why respect is so important:

Helps you notice and respect another person’s personal boundaries and maintain your own.
Serves as the basis for high self-esteem, self-esteem, a sense of personal worth, self-efficacy, psychological and mental health.
Helps to withstand other people's condemnation, criticism, and hostility.
Gives you the opportunity to show your best qualities: kindness, empathy, care.

What happens if we stop respecting each other? People are not machines; they immediately sense the falseness of ostentatious attention. And playing “respect” doesn’t work for long. It is impossible to force someone to respect you. Respect is not bought, not developed through prohibitions, fear, whips or encouragement. It arises when a person notices in others qualities and virtues that he considers significant and important, which he himself strives for.

The word “respect” is not found in the texts of Antiquity, but discussions about the concept of “respectus” - “attention, reverence” are found in the works of Aristotle, Socrates, and Democritus. The word "respect" is borrowed from several European languages. So, for example, in German there is the word “Wage” - “important”, and in Polish “uwazny” - “to be attentive”, “uwaga” - “attention”. The cognate word “waga” - “weight” further reveals the meaning of the concept. After all, a person who enjoys respect, influence, and has a worthy reputation is said to “have weight in society.”

There is another theory about the origin of the word: respect - from the word “important” . This means learning to do what is important for another person, trying to respect him and his interests. In order to coexist peacefully or get something, you need to take into account the desires of the other, otherwise conflict cannot be avoided.

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Types of respect.

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In the works of ancient philosophers, and later in the works of R. Descartes, I. Kant, B. Pascal, it was about respect for the law, human rights, and the institution of citizenship. Respect for human rights was considered the basis of the rule of law, with the “respected individual” at the center. Gradually, the meaning of the concept expanded and spread to other areas of life.

What kind of respect can there be?

To your “I”. In a world where everyone tries to offend or deceive, it is extremely difficult to strengthen self-esteem. But it is necessary. Self-respect means knowing exactly what you are capable of and what you are not. This is the ability to accept yourself entirely and not depend on the opinions of others. Self-esteem is the internal value and importance of an individual to himself.
To others. This ability manifests itself at all levels: communication with elders, with equals, with juniors. For example, this is an attentive attitude towards parents, partners, children, employees, acquaintances and strangers, mentally retarded and elderly people. This is a tolerant attitude towards the religious beliefs of others, towards people of a different sexual orientation.
To nature. The Vedas have a beautiful definition of respect: it is taking into account the interests of other living beings. Modern ecophilosophy adds: respecting nature is much more important than loving it. This means preserving all forms of life, treating natural resources carefully and with care, and understanding our responsibility to future generations.
Towards social norms. These are politeness, adherence to traditions, adherence to business ethics, corporate norms, rules of good manners and requirements for appearance. This is an internal culture associated with the rules of decency and the ability to maintain a reasonable distance in relation to people.
Towards patriotic symbols . This is the ability to respect state symbols: coat of arms, flag, anthem. This is a respectful attitude towards public holidays and historical values.

The familiar expression “respect must be earned” is a dead end. Every person receives the right to respectful treatment from birth, simply because he lives in the world. It is given as an advance and the person has to do something “bad” in order to dissuade others of this.

Who are the “disrespectful”

Psychologist Anna Kiryanova cites an old fairy tale about the boy Hassan as an illustration of people who are unable to show respect.

“Once upon a time, a little boy Hassan, who lived in a small village, had a string holding up his pants untied and they fell down. His relatives and neighbors laughed until they cried and remembered this incident for a long time.

Years have passed. Hassan has grown up. He left the village and became a great commander. And one day, Caliph Hasan, a great commander, brave, famous and rich, decided to visit his native village, equipping a caravan with gifts for the trip.

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However, the residents, seeing him, began to laugh again, remembering “pantsless Hassan.” Then he turned his caravan around and left his village forever.”

Disdain, ridicule, arrogance, devaluation, jealousy, envy, fawning, sometimes open aggression or constant attempts to change the topic of conversation from something pleasant to you to any other, most often unpleasant for you, memories of your mistakes, defeats, mistakes, embarrassments and complete disregard for your success and achievements - such an attitude indicates a lack of any respect.

“Disrespectful” are those who constantly refer to the past in this way because they are stuck there forever and want to leave you there too. For the same reason, they do not value your time and do not fulfill their promises to you.

What to do if they don't respect you?

Disrespect manifests itself in many ways. It can be demonstrative or dangerously quiet. The disrespect may not be too much of a concern at first, but over time it will become a problem. In order not to reach a critical point, you need to learn to recognize signals in time.

You may start to worry if:

You become a favorite target for offensive jokes, remarks, gossip, and discussion.
They only remember you when someone needs help.
They interrupt you, don’t listen to you, and pointedly ignore you.
Your words, conclusions, comments are called into question.
Your time is not valued - they are late for meetings, do not call back, do not respond to messages.
You are “forgotten” when it comes to friendly gatherings.
Your efforts are not taken into account.
They don't apologize to you.
You are being scrutinized.
During communication, you notice contemptuous grins and disdainful gestures of your interlocutor.
And the most offensive thing: you have become the person on whom it is customary to “wipe your feet.”

It will take a lot of strength to regain respect. But the result is worth it. Here are some tips to deal with disrespect.

Step 1. Don't try to make excuses.

It doesn’t matter for what reason the disrespect arose, excuses will only take away strength, but will not correct the situation. Moreover, they will constantly remind you of the stupid situation. So the best thing to do is to focus on the next steps.

Step 2. Ask your loved ones.

Talking to those who know you best and are supportive can help you gain new insight into your behavior. You can turn to a close friend, relative, or experienced colleague to get adequate feedback. A heart-to-heart conversation will help to identify flaws in actions, identify problematic aspects in communication, and outline a program of self-re-education.

Step 3. Control yourself.

Those around you are already accustomed to the standard set of your reactions - you need to break this pattern. For example, do not respond to rudeness with rudeness, remain calm in moments of open disdain, and do not cry after hearing a rude joke.

Step 4: Protect yourself.

When self-control reaches a high level, you can begin active defense. For example, learn standard jokes from offenders and come up with cheeky responses to them. Or force the insolent person to apologize. And the rest of the time - work on yourself, work on your self-esteem.

Step 5. Don't take everything to heart.

Sometimes rudeness, neglect, defiant behavior is not a demonstration of disrespect for you personally, but the behavior of your interlocutor. It is worth learning to recognize such people and simply avoid communicating with them. It’s even better to exclude energy vampires, whiners, sycophants, and boors from your life. And direct the energy of communication to adequate, well-mannered interlocutors.

Step 6: Learn to show respect for others.

Sometimes disrespect is shown to those who do not recognize the value of other people. It is worth monitoring yourself and understanding what mistakes are made during communication. For example, these could be ambiguous words or familiar gestures that you are not used to attaching meaning to. But for others they can be offensive.

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How to show respect to a man in practice

Tell your man that you love and respect him for specific things.
Give him time for his hobbies, without insisting only on his rights.
Write love notes or send love SMS to your man.
Show him that you trust him.
When you do something together, don't criticize your man by pointing out his problems and shortcomings.
Try to understand the reasons for your man's dissatisfaction.
When a man talks to you, listen and look at him, don’t pretend to be busy. Don't interrupt him when he speaks.
Pray for him and with him. (If you are believers).
Focus your attention on what the man is doing right.
Show interest in his interests, goals and hobbies.
Give him half an hour to relax after work before talking to him about household chores.
Sometimes dress in a way that makes him feel like you did it for him and not for yourself.
Defend him if others talk about him disrespectfully, especially relatives. A man wants respect from them. (You can find out what men want from women in relationships by reading the article).
Help a man carry out his plans.
Goodbye when someone in their “hearts” offends you and regrets it.
Periodically ask: “What can I do for you today? How can I help you?
When you go to the store, ask yourself if you can buy something for him?
Show your beloved man your need for him.
Do not fill every free minute of a man with some kind of business and requests. This shows a girl's respect for a man.
If he wants to talk, listen, ask questions that can show your understanding of the topic of conversation.
Try to see a man’s strengths, not just his weaknesses, even if he only knows how to fish. (I recommend learning 100 facts about guys and men that women and girls need to know).
Share your feelings with him, but keep it short.
Tell your man about the qualities that you fundamentally value in him.
Be his assistant in any matter. Remember, a man needs an assistant.
Keep in mind that sometimes he just wants to be with you silently. He dreams of listening to you in silence.
Help him achieve his goals.
Respecting a man means praising his work, labor, ingenuity, and ability to do something with his own hands.
Try to eradicate habits that irritate him. (To identify these flaws, read about what annoys men about women.)
Be grateful for his housework, thank him and encourage him for it.
Don't expect a man to always notice any changes in your appearance.
Do not disturb a man’s sleep, even if he is asked to answer the phone (not urgent calls).
Never make fun of a man's intelligence by being cynical towards a man.
In your discussions, be close to the point, without explaining endless details.
Be patient with him when he makes mistakes, thereby showing respect for the man.
Show interest in his friends (who have a positive influence on him).
Be kind and polite to him, because the man is worthy of respect.
Don't put the blame on him when things go wrong. If you got lost on the road, didn’t get a ticket, or hammered a nail crookedly, don’t blame him.
Hold a man's hand when you walk, often press close to him, as if seeking protection. This is the essence of male psychology: they need to feel able to protect their woman.
Stop expecting him to be able to read your mind (men aren't that capable).
Try to look 100% for him. With this you can make a man think about you, miss you and be proud of you. Keep yourself fit in every way.
Don't fight over words, try to hear what he wanted to say.
Be your man's best friend and show faith in him.
Confirm your successes in everyday life, that is, improve in all matters. (Do you want to please a man? Then find out what you need to do for this).
Patiently teach your man how to demonstrate his love for you.
Thank you for the fact that she considers you a beloved woman and shows this with her deeds.
Don't talk down to him. Avoid sarcasm when talking to him.
Don’t say the word “never” to a man, especially in quarrels.
Ask him what he would like to do after dinner, tonight, this weekend? And then do your best to make sure he has time to do it.
Respect his likes and dislikes.
Respond to his thoughts and advice with enthusiasm.
As you noticed, learning to respect your beloved man is not difficult when you are determined to use these simple methods. Deep respect will help a woman keep a man in a relationship forever.

Examples of treating others with respect.

The word “respect” is not often used by Christians. But reflections on respect, acceptance, hospitality, rules of decency, and the ability to take into account the interests of a husband/wife are much more common in Christian texts. The most peaceful religion, Buddhism, says something like this: “A society without respect for elders, without caring for women, children, and spiritual people, is doomed to suffering.”

Respect for everything is brought up from childhood by the personal example of parents. A child will learn to care about the interests of others if parents:

They politely greet, say goodbye, and thank anyone who provided a service or helped.
They apologize for the mistakes they have made.
Remain calm in an argument.
They hold the door behind them.
They keep other people's secrets.
They ask permission to take other people's things.
They knock before children and parents enter the room.
Maintain cleanliness in nature and public places.
Respect the personal space and boundaries of another person, regardless of age.
They help others if they really can help.
They respectfully speak about other people's opinions, views, and preferences.
They defend their rights in a mannered manner, without aggression.
Do not interrupt to express your point of view.
By actions and words they show respect for parents, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and strangers.

To be or not to be…

It is very easy to respect those who treat you with respect. But what about others who are objectively not worthy of respect? Why do you need to respect people?

The choice here is actually small: either reciprocate, falling to the level of “disrespect,” or start with yourself, more precisely with the ability to respect yourself, which gives rise to the ability to behave with dignity in any situation and respect for others.

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