For many of us, building relationships with people is the key to a good life. The main skills in this process are communication, self-positioning and the ability to dexterously behave in public.
However, in order to go from an intractable young man to an opinion leader, you need to break many barriers and do a tremendous amount of work on yourself. For this, some people need to improve their diction and expand their vocabulary, others need to buy nice trousers and get a haircut, and some need to get rid of self-doubt and stop being afraid of live communication.
- FAQ: 10 secrets of communication from great leaders or how to subjugate people in dialogues
This time we will focus on the last aspect of this complex process and tell you how to get rid of isolation, shyness, shyness and other psychological barriers that prevent us from achieving the desired communicative results.
Make a list of problem situations
It is better to start solving a problem with analysis. Therefore, take the time to remember and write down all the situations in which you feel constrained. Be very specific. Instead of “talking to people,” specify what kind of people you are talking about: strangers, members of the opposite sex, or those in authority.
When you break a problem down into parts, it seems more solvable.
Then try ranking the situations you wrote down in order of increasing anxiety (calling a stranger is likely less anxiety-inducing than speaking in front of an audience).
In the future, this list can be used as a plan to combat shyness. Starting small, you will overcome increasingly difficult situations for you. And with each new victory, the feeling of confidence will grow, and shyness, accordingly, will decrease.
Shyness in children - good or bad
At first glance, a calm, quiet child is a parent’s dream. He does not play pranks, he obeys his parents, educators and teachers.
Indeed, childhood timidity has certain positive qualities:
- the child is selective in his contacts, does not trust everyone, is cautious, and carefully chooses his friends;
- the child is away from noisy games that pose a health hazard;
- Timid children compensate for their lack of communication with self-development, read a lot, and are successful in their studies;
- Timid children approach solving their problems especially carefully, carefully and attentively.
However, this behavior can be dangerous for the child. It causes him considerable discomfort. Behind shyness, a child often hides fear and anxiety, so he refuses to answer in class and does not speak publicly.
Important! Shyness manifests itself in children with complexes and lack of self-confidence. In the future, such a child will become indecisive and will not be able to achieve success and live a full life.
Decide on a goal
Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with your life, but you need to explain to yourself exactly how it interferes with you. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.
Eric Holtzclaw
Serial entrepreneur, author of Laddering: Unlocking the Potential of Consumer Behavior, radio host
Even though I perform, write, and host a radio show, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to come out of my shell and deliver a message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I could ensure that my message was delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make public speaking and meeting new people easier for myself.
How to stop being shy - advice from a psychologist
First, experts recommend understanding the causes of shyness. Awkwardness usually manifests itself in certain cases, under the influence of specific thoughts. It is important for a person to figure out what causes concern? And to study your shyness in detail, you don’t need to avoid such situations.
Imagine yourself not as shy and repressed, but as a scientist for whom it is important to understand the phenomenon of shyness. Naturally, this will require creating such situations, taking part in them, observing, recording, and drawing conclusions.
Most often, shyness, or rather its causes, is in people’s heads. If you are worried and afraid of looking funny or stupid, try these life hacks:
- always remember that people don’t care about you, everyone is focused only on themselves, therefore, there is simply no point in thinking about other people’s opinions;
- do what you fear most and notice that the world has not collapsed, everything goes on as usual;
- don’t be afraid to say your feelings out loud, for example, during an interview, openly tell the employer what you’re worried about, it will be honest and it will make you feel better.
Another way to stop being shy is physical. It consists of the following: observe which muscles tense when you are shy. Pay special attention to them, develop them, do exercises to remove the clamp. Moreover, sport increases self-esteem and improves well-being.
Important! The better you learn to hear yourself, grasp contradictions, and express your thoughts and feelings, the less likely shyness is to overcome you.
How to believe in yourself
In this matter, it is important to clearly understand the difference between self-confidence and self-confidence. In the first case, we are talking about a feeling that helps us achieve success in life, because it is based on personal experience. Believing in ourselves gives us the strength to start new things, take on new projects, even scary ones. Remember that every great person started small, learned, developed, not always everything worked out, but the main thing is faith in yourself. Be prepared for the fact that you will inevitably have to face criticism and mistakes in life, but without this the path forward and upward is impossible. Believe in yourself and the rest will seem insignificant.
How to regain faith in yourself after numerous failures? Probably everyone has asked this question, since we all have a hard time with mistakes and mistakes. Quite simple things will help you regain faith in yourself and stop being shy.
- . Forgive yourself. We always try to forgive people who hurt us, were harsh or indifferent to us, but we can torment ourselves for weeks and months with criticism, scolding, and falling into depression. Every person has the right to make mistakes and forgiveness - always remember this.
- . Responsibility is most important. Yes, everyone has the right to make a mistake, but one cannot abdicate responsibility, since it is responsibility that characterizes the degree of maturity of an individual. Think over and comprehend your every action, evaluate how it will help you and those around you.
- . Help others. In fact, a huge number of people and homeless animals need help. Charity is a worthy hobby - you help others and you help yourself. As a result, you do good and your self-esteem increases.
How to communicate with strangers
According to statistics, people most often experience shyness when communicating with strangers. This happens because our parents instilled in all of us from childhood that we need to be afraid of strangers, and we carry this fear with us throughout our lives. As a result, already in adulthood we are afraid of new acquaintances, communication, meetings, and this leaves a negative imprint on our social skills.
The first thing you need to try to do is to overcome your attitude towards strangers as strangers. Believe me, most modern people are friendly and open to communication. Treat meeting new people as an opportunity to learn something new. New people will be more willing and more relaxed to tell you about yourself.
Advice! The task of an adult is to learn to understand the language of his body and, in accordance with this, to develop certain models of social relationships - business, friendly. Romantic or teacher-student.
As practice shows, it is romantic relationships that cause the most difficulties. Start small - eye contact. Draw attention to yourself with a smile and a greeting. Think in advance about what topic of conversation you can choose. Don't be afraid to comment and express your point of view. Perhaps someone will criticize your words, but this only means one thing - your comment did not leave people indifferent, they thought about it. Try to joke more, it will help start a conversation.
How to help your child stop being shy
- . Talk to your child about situations that cause him anxiety. Each child has his own personal reasons for embarrassment, the more you learn about them, the easier it is to cope with the problem.
- . Develop a plan to relieve your anxiety. Offer your child this plan of action - as soon as he feels awkward, let him squeeze your hand twice and you leave the room or premises together.
- . Think of phrases that will help you “play for time.” If a child, due to embarrassment, cannot quickly orient himself and give an answer, offer him several phrases that will give him time to think, for example, “let me think for a minute” or “I will answer a little later.”
- . Train with your child. Model one of the situations that causes embarrassment in the child and invite him to overcome his fear. You can gather a family lunch or dinner and ask your child to tell a funny story from his life.
- . Teach your child the importance of breathing. Anxiety is often caused by interrupted breathing. Teach your child to breathe deeply and calmly when he is experiencing self-doubt.
Advice! Always be a role model - always say “thank you”, “please” and the child will become a habit of these words, he will pronounce them without effort. Always let your child know that he is not alone. In fact, many children experience embarrassment and awkwardness, and this can and should be dealt with.
Exercise
Skills need to be honed, and habits that interfere with life need to be systematically eradicated. All this applies to both sociability and shyness. Here are some ideas that you can use as a kind of workout.
- Reprogram yourself. Imagine that your shyness is a program in your brain that is launched in response to certain situations, and you, as a computer user, have the power to influence this process. Try to go backwards and do the opposite of what you are used to. Do you want to hide in a corner at a party? Get into the thick of things. Have you caught yourself thinking that you are taking a defensive position in a conversation? Try asking your interlocutor a few questions.
- Talk to strangers. Try talking to one stranger (preferably a random passer-by) at least once a day. You'll likely never see him again, so feel free to sharpen your communication skills on him.
- In general, communicate more. Try to take every opportunity to connect with people. Tell jokes, agree to speak, say hello to people you often meet but never greet.
- Warm up before an important conversation. Want to talk to a specific person at a party, but are afraid to approach him? Practice on people present who cause less embarrassment. If we are talking about getting to know each other, try to tell them everything that you plan to say in front of the desired person. After such a rehearsal, it will be easier to speak.
- And always be prepared for public speaking. But don't limit yourself to just repeating the speech. Visualize your future success with your audience. This will give you confidence.
Why is there nothing good about shyness and isolation?
Many people believe that isolation and shyness are characteristic only of children, and already in adolescence people become more sociable and relaxed. However, according to a study published by the scientific journal PsychCentral, up to 45% of adults experience problems with communication, and 7% experience real mental disorders, including depression, because of this.
Introversion and shyness prevent people from advancing their careers, getting interviews, and holding important negotiations. They are less likely to hold leadership positions and manage others. The situation is even more complicated for those who are among the aforementioned seven percent. These people are at risk for developing dependence on alcohol and other drugs.
- Bar 11 signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own (it's time to quit, bro) List of signs of alcohol addiction and tips on how to stop drinking on your own.
In a word, lack of communication and inability to build the desired communication leads to dissatisfaction with life.
At the same time, shyness itself is not as dangerous as its consequences, which include loneliness. For example, loneliness is one of the factors of early mortality among men, and this is a scientifically proven fact. That is, a lack of communication, support and emotions from other people increases the chances of not living to old age by as much as 14%. This is directly related to the hormonal system, because shy people have increased levels of cortisol, the so-called “stress hormone,” which affects sleep quality and blood pressure.
Stay selective with people
One of the advantages of isolation is a thorough “filter” of society. You will only become close to the person who proves his kindness and safety to you. And this is good. This way you are protected from dishonest, evil people.
Therefore, when you start communicating more, do not strive to establish close relationships with everyone. Stay cautious, just be a little more open. Then you will not miss the chance to meet a nice person and will unerringly make the choice of a friend or soulmate.
Where does timidity come from?
Shyness, like other character traits, can be congenital, or it can be acquired. With innate everything is clear: if, for example, the father is timid and timid, then the child, having inherited the corresponding genes, can grow up the same. Acquired timidity is the result of improper upbringing.
A timid person in childhood was probably often criticized, compared unfavorably with his peers and received little praise. He breaks a cup or falls and immediately hears: how awkward you are. If he is not given some kind of activity, parents must give the example of a neighbor’s child, who, let’s say, already fluently reads not only the primer, but also newspaper text, or spends hours learning scales with inspiration, or has some other fantastic skills.
As a result of such upbringing, a whole bunch of complexes arise. A person considers himself worse than others, has no self-respect, and sometimes does not even love himself. Hence the false confidence that others perceive him in the same way.
Experts' opinions
However, not everyone adheres to this theory and many scientists believe that shyness arises long before a child begins his journey in social society. In their opinion, shyness occurs even when the child is in the womb .
Opinions are constantly divided, for example, psychologists are sure that the reason for shyness lies in a person’s internal struggle.
But sociologists say that society itself is to blame for people’s insecurity. They explain this by saying that society is constantly dictated by general patterns and rules that create constraint. And in this regard, it is simply impossible to disagree with them.
However, all of the above does not necessarily play a role in the development of shyness in a person. After all, adults carry a huge weight for a child. Teachers, relatives, as soon as they repeat something like: “How shy you are,” every day, willy-nilly, this thought will be deposited in the child’s head. Thus, he will drive himself into a certain complex called constraint.
All this is aggravated by the fact that parents, and the child himself, often compare him with other children . Every time he thinks about it, the child may come to the conclusion that he is in many ways inferior to his peers. That he is worse than them and that he is not like them. And although all this is far from the truth, constant comparison will do its job and turn a blind eye to obvious things. Over time, the child will grow up and simply will no longer know how to overcome his self-generated insecurities, as well as overcome his fears. So how to overcome shyness?
As a result, we have several points of occurrence of shyness:
- Congenital, when a person is not responsible for the causes of shyness.
- Acquired when a person, under the pressure of circumstances, becomes shy and withdrawn
Below is a list of 13 points that will tell you how to overcome shyness and self-doubt, so:
Analyze past failures
Mistakes and mistakes are taken too seriously by many people. This is due to strong internal self-criticism. Failures remain in a person’s memory, making him unsure of himself and preventing him from moving forward. Closedness and fear of committing new offenses appear.
To get rid of shyness, you need to mentally return to past mistakes. As an adult, having gained valuable experience, it will be easier to analyze mistakes. This will help you understand the reason for the failure, the severity, and avoid recurrence in the future. Awareness of this makes a person more self-confident.
Study behavioral psychology
It will be useful for you to learn how to read people in order to avoid awkward situations. Constriction makes it difficult to understand others due to excessive concentration on one’s experiences. Therefore, observe other people - this way you will understand which of them are in the mood for communication, and who it is better not to approach. This knowledge will calm you down and make you more confident in society.
I recommend the books “Body Language” by Allan Pease or “A Dictionary of Signs” by Joseph Messinger. They provide basic information about nonverbal communication. You will be able to determine by a person’s posture and movements how he feels.
Also use this knowledge to adjust your behavior. Take a more free and relaxed body position to feel empowered. Try not to slouch or close yourself by crossing your arms and legs. Look at people openly, and the armor built around you will begin to fall away.
Be neat
Wrinkled clothes, a hole in tights, socks that are not the freshest - these and similar things make us nervous in the process of communication. If you want to become more confident, eliminate all signs of untidiness. There should be nothing in your image that could make you look like a slob.
This applies not only to appearance, but also to smell. Make sure you always smell nice. Just don't overdo it with perfume, otherwise you'll get the opposite effect.
Method number 4: work on your appearance
Becoming attractive is one of the key ways to stop being an introverted and shy person. After all, it is the lack of confidence in one’s appearance that often becomes the cause of the problem. But everything is in your hands. If you don't like yourself, start working on this problem. Join a gym, visit a cosmetologist, take care of your hair, tidy up your wardrobe. A person who likes his reflection in the mirror finds it much easier to establish contacts with others.
Understand that you are not the center of attention of others
It is difficult for a closed person to improve because he is afraid of being awkward, causing laughter or reproach. It seems to him that those around him are closely watching him, evaluating his behavior and words spoken.
Think about how important the behavior of others is to you? Do you pay attention to how their voice sounds or how they communicate? Do you think they are stupid if they stumble during a conversation? Surely such little things do not linger in your memory.
It's the same with others. Everyone thinks only about their own problems and is focused on them. If you did or said something stupid, or dressed out of fashion, no normal person cares. For example, I never pay attention to the bad jokes of others or inappropriate expressions. But people who are gloomily silent in company always attract glances and provoke discussions.
Get rid of your egocentrism. Don't be afraid to speak up, share your opinion, joke. No one will talk about you behind your back. But if you remain withdrawn, you will become a “black sheep.”
Method number 3: do what is not expected of you
Doing unexpected things is how to stop being an introverted person. It's something like a rebellion, but in a good way. For example, are you used to dressing in a strict, discreet style? What about appearing in public in a bright and daring outfit? At work or in the company of friends, are you used to keeping silent? How about boldly saying what others are embarrassed to say? Does everyone think you're a boring homebody? What about going on a hike or an extreme tour?
