Should we start discussing the topic of self-love with an analysis of why we may not love ourselves? This would be logical, I’m sure you have many reasons and you know them very well. But no matter what they are: dissatisfaction with your appearance, failures in your personal and professional life, conflicts and excessive nervousness or disappointment, the answer will always be the same - respect. It is self-respect that tells us about love for our personality; it is this that allows us to feel harmony within, value ourselves and do what is right for you. I call this proper selfishness.
Therefore, now we will explain to you what selfishness, self-love are and where respect comes from.
Selfishness
So, let's look at our attitude to the word "selfishness" and its meaning. As an example, in Dahl’s dictionary we can see the following definition: “selfishness, concern for only oneself, without attention to others.” It was created already in the early 1900s, that is, more than 100 years have passed - it is no longer relevant. “Egoism” sounds in our speech like a sentence, like something offensive, and people, hearing it, immediately try to justify themselves by saying that no, they are not like that at all. In general, it is strange to see such a disclosure of the concept, because it is based on the word “ego”, which from Latin translates as “I”, that is, personality.
I propose to move to an alternative interpretation in English - “selfishness”. The main part of the word is “self”, which carries the meaning of “one’s own personality, personal interests.”
What can all this tell us? Only that in neither one nor the other definition, upon a detailed study of the true origin of the word, there is not a hint that this can negatively affect others and sound like censure and disapproval.
This attitude in modern society has been built for years, if not centuries. People set boundaries for each other and judge each other for the fact that a person can be happy and satisfied on his own. After all, it’s blasphemous to think only about your “I”, there are so many people in need, and, oh God, how selfish it is. But now we know that this is not so, so we can safely talk about self-love and not feel discomfort.
What are the causes of complexes?
Why don't I love myself? There can be many reasons
And they are individual for each person. But there are the main ones that occur most often:
- Self-doubt coming from childhood.
Complexes arise in us in our early years. Often parents, without noticing it themselves, undermine our self-confidence. “,Your hands are growing from the wrong place,” “, Katya wrote the test perfectly, but you can’t even do that,” “, With grades like that, you’ll only have to become a janitor when you grow up,”, “, All you can do is walk and play with your toys at the computer! You’re no use,” did you often hear something like that as a child? Then it is not surprising that now there is no self-confidence or love. - Comparison with others. You probably don’t even notice that, while scrolling through social networks, you think about how good everything is for everyone and how bad it is for you. Everyone has a beautiful life, stylish clothes, a toned figure, endless fans, trips all over the world and much more. What do you have? Hated work and evening in front of TV? And how can you love yourself?
- Obsession with your shortcomings. Do you constantly think that you could have a more interesting appearance, be taller, have a slimmer figure, and have a better character? If you constantly think about it and don’t work on yourself, your complexes will only grow and your attitude towards yourself will worsen.
Take the self-hate test:
Zone 1 - Your Body
So, how do we start the day other than turning off the alarm and checking Instagram? We go to the bathroom and look in the mirror. And what do you see there? Myself? No. You see the quality of your life. The way you look directly depends on what and how you live. You see a reflection of how much effort and time you invest in yourself, how much you love yourself. And if you don't like your reflection, then that's exactly what you need to work on.
Health
The basis of the basics is health and beauty. If you have health problems, don’t delay, take care of it, don’t accumulate the condition of a sick person. When your body works like a clock, it is easier and easier for you to perceive yourself and others. Mental health also applies to this point. Pay attention to your stress tolerance and nervousness. It is better to contact a psychologist who, in a few consultations, can return you to calm, or at least help you understand the reasons for this condition and find solutions. Physical and mental health is the starting point on the path to an adequate perception of oneself and the world.
beauty
Yes, it is important and necessary to be beautiful. For myself. It is important that you like the way you look, what kind of hair you have, your body, how well-groomed your hands and body are. If you don’t like the fact that you are “fat” in your reflection, go to the gym and solve it. Well, or accept it if you are too lazy to change. You should simply be proud of your appearance, your special facial features and figure, you should like what you see in the reflection. Body beauty is not something that is fashionable, it is something that will harmonize with your values and self-perception as a person. Forget about lip, chest or beard trends. Find what makes you special about yourself and only change what doesn't fit with your ideal self-image.
Nutrition
I'm sure you've heard this phrase - "you are what you eat." What do you feed your body? Do you fill it with healthy vitamins and minerals, do you think about what fills your body with strength? We need food for energy, and proper food affects our psychological state and appearance as well. For example, an excess of carbohydrates and sugar (especially in baked goods) causes depression and despondency in a person.
Pay attention to how you eat. You quickly throw in food just to fill your stomach, or you put food on a plate beautifully and respectfully and leisurely, savoring each meal, enjoy the taste, realizing that you are benefiting your body.
Sport
“Sports are not my thing.” Whose? Yes, there are professionals and fanatics. No one demands that you “kill yourself” in the gym, but physical activity really makes you proud of yourself and increases your self-esteem. Sport builds character and does not take away your strength (even when you feel tired), it triples it. Sports motivate you to be the best version of yourself. You will see how your body changes, a beautiful relief appears, and you will begin to admire yourself more and more. And this narcissism will only be beneficial.
Sex
How would you describe your sex? The process itself? Are you having fun? If yes, then great, let's continue in the same spirit. And if not, then we need to fill the gap. Sex is one of the ways to show proper selfishness, where without self-love, without accepting your body, you will not get pleasure. Low-quality sex (where you don't get your wants and needs met) affects our self-perception worse than no sex. Every person needs to express their sexuality.
Sex is one of the types of meditation where you not only fill yourself spiritually, but also begin to perceive yourself, your body and beauty, realize and understand your desires and reveal yourself as a person. First of all, to yourself. Start studying yourself, explore the map of your body. Learn to allow your body to express emotions, because these emotions are you, and they make it possible to live and love yourself.
Make it a rule - “I consciously devote an hour a day to my body”: health, beauty, sports, sex. By the way, you don’t have to limit yourself to an hour.
Pain, loneliness and imaginary strength
First way: Along the “rake” of pain
- Step 1. “I feel hungry and empty, I want love from my partner - which means I need to try for him. I don’t have time for myself.”
- Step 2. “I’ll sacrifice myself again, and others will love me and fill me with happiness,” a person depletes his resources even more.
- Step 3. “I see that others take everything for granted, I create a scandal or suffer without getting what I expected.”
- Step 4. “I am helpless and dependent,” the person suffers and is offended.
So, step by step, it is easy to end up in a codependent relationship, rather than healthy feelings of love and affection.
Second way: Through the “rake” of loneliness and imaginary strength:
- Step 1. A person makes a decision: “That’s it! I’m tired of problems and suffering, I’ll do everything on my own.”
- Step 2. The partner is devalued: “I told you, they’re all like that. Everyone offends me, no one tries to conquer me.”
- Step 3. Feels lonely: “I’m like a solid wall. That's it, I don't need anyone."
As you can see, this is the path to a counterdependent relationship. A person can choose these two paths in turn throughout his life. And it happens that people “exchange” them in pairs, causing each other more and more pain. This leads to a breakup and the search for a new partner. Partners change, time passes, but love never comes instead of this “swing”.
Zone 2 - your head
What's on your mind? How much time can you spend alone with yourself? What do you constantly think about? Do you have a lot of negative “not” thoughts?
Information
In order to feel self-love, your head must work. You should be interested in yourself. The situation here is absolutely the same as with nutrition. What do you feed your intellectual part?
The simplest things that will fill you are knowledge. Take on a new project at work, learn something you haven't dived into before. Maybe it’s the history of Russia or the culture of the West, learn more about successful personalities like Churchill and Catherine the Great, immerse yourself in politics, economics, art, learn a new foreign language. Feed your head!
Skills
Learn to do something you haven't done before. Learn a new profession. And yes, this applies to the head area. With a new business, your horizons expand, knowledge and skills appear, you meet people, you become part of society and subconsciously you will strive to be more and more involved. This way you upgrade yourself, and you have more reasons to be proud of yourself and respect yourself as a person.
Art
Exhibitions, museums, and theaters could easily be classified as the next zone, but we will leave that here. Things from the world of art, created by other people, can give us new thoughts, they can change our view of ourselves and help us look at the most ordinary things from a different perspective. Look for a reflection of your personality in art. Catch your emotions and states, analyze them. Answers to questions can really be found in art, because this is the experience of other people. Why not take good ideas for yourself? Think positively, removing the “no” part, use strong words - “I can, I must, I will, I want.”
Don't compare yourself to others
If you constantly compare yourself to others, you will feel inferior. A person finds himself in an endless wheel of suffering and the pursuit of someone and his success. Each of us can only be ourselves and live our own lives.
The only person you should compare yourself to is yourself. At the same time, it is important to compare not only the results achieved, but also the new knowledge and awareness gained. Ask yourself these questions daily:
- In what ways have I become wiser than yesterday, what have I learned new?
- What lessons did today bring me?
Such a comparison motivates, helps to understand what you need to work on and where to strive.
The ability to forgive
A person is able to live fully for himself if his soul is not burdened with suffering or resentment towards other people. People around you can often cause pain, either intentionally or unknowingly. One way or another, in response to unacceptable behavior, a person develops resentment and a feeling of disappointment. He becomes a hostage to their behavior, forced to carry these negative emotions within himself.
That is why it is necessary to learn to forgive those who behave unworthily. After all, only an internally free person can live for himself without boundaries. How to start doing this? In order to forgive your neighbor and thereby gain inner freedom, you must internally come to terms with his imperfections. When a person understands that his neighbor cannot or does not want to behave in one way or another, he is freed from illusory expectations. This allows you to free yourself from the deceptive image of your neighbor and see his true face. Having gained emotional freedom, a person is no longer fixated on getting something from another in return. Having forgiven others, it is easier to direct most of your energy to achieving personal goals and taking care of yourself.
Favourite buisness
How to live for yourself? How to spend your precious time productively? Society at different stages of growing up forces us to follow certain rules of life. From childhood, certain standards are imposed on people: a person must get an education (often something that interests parents), build a career, get married, have children. But the question is, will he be happy? Will such a life bring him joy, will he feel satisfaction from the feelings and emotions he experienced in his old age?
To learn to live for yourself, and not for others, you need to do those things that make life joyful and fulfilling. You need to determine which activities bring joy, which are valuable and useful. If you have a desire to play in the theater in your heart, and everyone around you insists that you need to build a career as a lawyer, you should think about the possibilities of fulfilling your dream and making it come true.
Act according to your desires
Stop looking at the opinions of others. Often people do not fully express themselves and “hide” their personality because they are afraid of offending other people or hearing unflattering opinions about themselves. For example, they are embarrassed to sing or dance in public, fearing the disapproval of others or becoming the object of their sarcasm.
Free yourself from this fear and learn to say and do what you want. Start small: choose your own clothes and dishes, express your wishes about shared leisure time. The more you trust yourself and act according to your desires, the more self-love is revealed.
How I became selfish and started living. Yes, I'm telling you no
Then came the hardest part. Start using the unethical, profane word “no.” Usually I agreed to any more or less tearful request. Shyness, reinforced by the fear of offending, turned me around as it pleased. It was embarrassing to destroy the image that I created in the eyes of others. So she fought in the snares that she herself had set. But as soon as the first serious “no” left my tongue, I was unstoppable. My friends were shocked as if I had swallowed a live rabbit before their eyes.
I dreamed of living according to the principle “drama club, photo club, and I also want to sing,” but in reality I worked all my free time on a voluntary, weak-willed basis. She filled in for deputies, replaced shift workers, took someone's relatives from Ukhta shopping, sat with the children of her idle friends while they were marinating in spa salons, walked ficus trees and watered dogs. From an errand boy you can easily rise to a galley slave. But I said no to this tempting career.
Over time, I learned to separate the wheat from the chaff, and often the spit. Understand where a request for help is real, and where it is ordinary manipulation and everyday parasitism. A fair “no” became for me a steel frame that did not allow me to sag, mumble and forget about myself.
Take care of yourself
Self-love: Gettyimages
Psychologist Sarah-Len Mutivasekwa recommends paying attention to this aspect. First of all, it is associated with the body, but not only with it. Self-care includes everything we do for health:
- Eat a balanced diet and drink enough water.
- Get enough sleep and rest.
- Give up bad habits.
- Play sports.
In addition, it is important to watch interesting films and listen to your favorite music, engage in hobbies, and communicate with people you like and treat you well.
Healthy optimism
How should you live for yourself so that later you don’t feel “excruciatingly painful for the years spent aimlessly”? The person who does not know how to enjoy life and notice simple little things dooms himself to a depressive existence. Even on the most difficult days you need to be able to see the good. Those people who did not know how to rejoice and let pleasant events into their lives seriously regret it at the end of their existence.
Acting in one's own interests
Since the phrase “start living for yourself” means the ability to satisfy one’s own needs and needs, the ability to act in one’s own interests is an integral part of the formation of healthy selfishness. To transform his life, a person should do those things for which he will be grateful to himself in the future. What he does today must be a significant contribution to tomorrow. Often this point turns out to be closely related to the ability to say “no” - both to people and to things that do not fit into the schedule. For example, a woman who throws all her strength into pleasing her husband and children may seriously regret it in a few years. After all, in all the time that has passed, she has not done anything for herself personally, and now she has to reap the fruits of this development of events.
What could be the consequences of such a strategy for such a woman? She will always be oppressed by a feeling of dissatisfaction with her own activities, because she did absolutely nothing for herself personally: she did not accumulate her own capital, did not advance up the career ladder, but only constantly sacrificed her interests and hobbies. It is rare that in such situations she can hear words of gratitude from those for whom she had to give up herself. Sometimes such women (although there are also men among a similar contingent) ask themselves: “What is it like to live for yourself?” To become a reasonable egoist, you need to do things today that will become an investment in your own tomorrow. These can be small steps: visiting a doctor in a timely manner as a preventative appointment, paying attention to your needs and pursuing your own interests, and ultimately, playing sports. And these can also be quite thorough actions. For example, obtaining a higher education, purchasing your own car or real estate.
Why you should avoid self-blame
Many members of society are accustomed to noticing each other’s weaknesses and their sense of their own inferiority. There are usually very few people who will not take advantage of such a human condition. The same person who loves and forgives himself for his shortcomings is truly capable of becoming a better person. He will not try to justify himself to other people in order to improve his self-esteem and rise in his own eyes. While a dependent person is doomed to the fate of being led, because all her energy is spent on following the lead of others and reproaching herself for real and imaginary misdeeds.
