Sometimes our happiness can depend on what others think, say, or do—and that's not healthy. Each of us needs to work on emotional independence. “This is a great quality that allows you to have healthy relationships with both yourself and others. It opens up a wide range of possibilities,” explains psychologist Pilar Guerra. We spoke with several experts in the field of emotion management to learn how to work on emotional independence. Let's share our main secrets.
Learn to be alone
Loneliness is as important as love, affection and other social relationships. Carla Sanchez, wellness expert and co-founder of The Holistic Concept, notes that loneliness is a natural and necessary state. “Certain life events are inevitable and part of our personal growth. For this reason, learning to be alone is a great tool when it comes to coping with stress, loss, knowing yourself better and building relationships with yourself,” explains the expert.
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Happiness is not a frequent visitor, but your daily companion
Emotional independence will free you from your negative emotions. You cannot achieve freedom right away, but every day you will get closer to it. Every small victory makes you stronger and more resilient. Your fortitude will inspire people and your relationships will blossom. And you will never again have to wait for someone else to resolve your situation. You will find happiness. And then happiness will not be a guest coming into your house from time to time, but will become your friend and partner for life.
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Take responsibility for your life
Psychologist and mindfulness instructor Alba Valle emphasizes that emotional independence and responsibility go hand in hand. “When we take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, we stop being victims. And complaints and emotional dependence are a cycle of low self-esteem, insecurity, dissatisfaction and internal problems. To be confident, you need to take full responsibility for what happens in your life.”
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How to become independent and at the same time maintain connections with family and colleagues?
“...My life turned into a struggle for independence. I honed my fighting skills in this war for a better life. But having reached victory, I suddenly realized that I was left alone. I remained married, but my husband and I now seem to be on our own,” - from a conversation with a female manager (39 years old, married, 2 children), who approached me about establishing family relationships.
“I want to become independent from... My life depends on... In my life I achieve independence...” - this is how work begins with many of my clients, successful in their own business, career and not very successful, young and more mature, married, divorced or only those who want to start a family. People with completely different social and financial status, status, etc. want to become “independent.” In work, this desire manifests itself in the desire to gain or maintain an independent status, and in personal life - independence from a partner.
Dependent and codependent people tolerate and expect their needs to be met by those around them. When patience runs out, we move into a state of independence. That is, independence is already a struggle to satisfy our needs. Unlike a state of dependence, where we expect someone to owe us something, in a state of independence we take active steps to meet our needs at the expense of our environment.
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But there is one “But!” When we are in a state of independence, we have an absolute desire to do our own thing, to live our own way and without anyone else's interference. Moreover, we “have already waited long enough, endured” that “others will guess and do for us.” Since our environment did not satisfy our needs (or did not meet our expectations), we did not want to endure any longer. All! Enough!
Independence is a state of sovereignty, isolation. If we play with words, then when describing independence, associations arise “hanging in nowhere.” Independence is like running “FROM something” rather than “TO something.” Independence can be fought for, defended or defended.
It’s very difficult to live for independence, isn’t it? The state of independence is very energy-intensive, because struggle, war requires very, very much, requires constant mobilization, attention, control and tension. We begin to resist the actions or inactions of the reality around us, people and systems of relationships. In social or interpersonal terms, the state of independence is characterized by such a concept as “loneliness” - this is the difficulty of meeting people for fear of losing one’s sovereignty, one’s isolation.
In independent couples, spouses very often maintain separate budgets; in such couples, “yours” and “mine” are very clearly divided. Spouses and partners seem to be every man for himself, and moments of intimacy are rare and more like short breaks or “truces.” In independent relationships at work, there are “my” and “your tasks”, all efforts are aimed at “my” maximum gain, and everything else is foreseen or unforeseen, but always “justified” losses.
Independent people sometimes hide their emotions under the emotional mask of well-being or (more often) indifference, indifference and even cynicism. “It doesn’t concern us,” they may say; independent people are not inclined to give or accept help, regarding it as a manifestation of their own weakness. In the wake of the struggle for independence, various currents of “struggle for...” arise - for the rights of women or men, for the rights of tall or fat people, and the like.
In “independence” it is impossible to live and create, in “independence” you can only live and fight... Independent people understand very well such definitions as “weak, weakness” and “strong, strength”. These people talk about how “everyone has their own ceiling” or the need to “enter a new orbit.” Independents are “champions” who live for the future, for future achievements. They do not allow themselves to live here and now. And if there is no future for dependent people, then for independent people there is no present - there is no need, there is no time to live now, everything is devoted to the struggle for life tomorrow.
In a state of independence, we only have a competitive struggle, in which the desire to win is hidden under different masks. And it seems that this victory is the long-awaited key to personal happiness. But independence is our state when we feel as if under the gun of the world around us, and, in turn, we aim at everything that surrounds us. Winning independence does not bring us satisfaction. The struggle to satisfy our needs, to live without anyone, brings only one fruit to its winner: he remains alone within the walls he has built - his independence. And over time, we understand that independent living and independent living are not the same thing.
Improve all areas of your life
Alba Valle associates emotional independence with the need to develop all areas of life. She suggests doing a simple exercise: draw a rectangle and divide it into several parts, each of which is a separate plot (relationships with yourself, work, family, partner and others). “Plot by plot, analyze how you feel in this area. Think about how you can improve this area now. This exercise stimulates our minds to become more independent and responsible for the well-being of our lives.”
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Financial independence is one of the fundamental aspects
True personal freedom is impossible without economic security and independence. Hungry unemployed people are cadres for dictatorship © Franklin Roosevelt
You can be an exemplary family man, an emotionally stable person, anyone, but if your financial well-being, in your understanding, does not depend on you, you are far from independent. The modern market economy is not the fairest mechanism; it often malfunctions, plunging millions into poverty, and at the same time making dozens of the richest people. But the market economy and capitalism in general work according to a completely honest postulate - to each according to his intelligence and abilities.
You must determine the criteria for your financial independence yourself. You don't need to earn millions of dollars a day to be financially independent. Financial independence means not being completely tied to a security environment that may influence your decisions. In other words, financial independence arises at the moment when you move from the issue of living on a specific amount to the issue of saving. If you live from paycheck to paycheck, which is often not enough for you, if you have to cut down on essential expenses, you are a financially dependent person.
Financial independence means that you are able to independently organize your life or your family, if you have one.
Saying no is easy for you
For many, refusing is a real challenge, especially if they are afraid of hurting loved ones. Dependent people say “yes” and believe that this is easier than strengthening their willpower with refusals.
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Individuals with an independent character easily say “no” and do not even always give an explanation for their refusal. They are courageous and take the attitude of “I say no because I want to.”
What does it mean to be truly independent?
There is a reason why people behave the way they do. Some are born independent, others develop this quality in themselves due to past traumas or long-term self-education. They know their worth and potential. An independent person is one of the most outstanding types of personalities that exist in the world.
Are you independent? Would you like to develop this quality in yourself? If so, then be careful: in the quest for independence, do not lose the ability to experience emotions. Otherwise, you will build a wall behind which you will hide with all your newfound strength and courage. As with many aspects of life, balance is the key to everything.
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Who are you?
However, a huge number of people adhere to one of two models of behavior. Or they prefer to play the role of the victim, be passive and afraid of everything around them. The second option is to subjugate all the people around you to your will. These individuals are called energy vampires because they literally drain energy from those around them. And if you are not satisfied with any of the behavior patterns shown and you want to go beyond the boundaries of society’s standards, then you are on the right track.
Differentiation is our goal
To calm down and go about your business, you need to learn to separate your thoughts and feelings from the thoughts and feelings of other people. Imagine that you dialed 911, and the operator also panicked and did not send anyone to you. If everyone agreed with everyone, we would still be afraid of falling off the edge of the earth. The ability to think for yourself literally changed the world.
Differentiation is the ability to:
- share thoughts and feelings;
- separate your thoughts and feelings from other people's thoughts and feelings.
Monica's thoughts and feelings merged together. She thought that by running away from her relatives, she had cut off all ties with them, but the emotional dependence still did not disappear and affected relationships with colleagues and friends. If someone was upset in front of Monica, she was overwhelmed with emotions. She found it difficult to stay in touch with reality and facts. The boss is unhappy - she is to blame. A friend is preoccupied with something, which means she no longer wants to be friends with her. Every little thing became a matter of life and death.
Monica felt calm only if everyone around her was happy. That's why she tried her best to please her friends and colleagues. I spent hours listening to my father on the phone. I tried to please my boss by answering work emails at two in the morning. I went to spend the night with my boyfriend so that he wouldn’t have to drag himself across the whole city. Monica became an expert physiognomist, recognizing the slightest signs of dissatisfaction by facial expressions and intonation of voice. As soon as her alarm went off, Monica would try to please or run away. She no longer had the strength to take care of herself and personal goals.
With the ability to differentiate thoughts and feelings, other people's anxiety affects us to a lesser extent. Differentiated people do not forget about themselves and can adequately communicate with loved ones even in difficult situations.
How to increase the level of differentiation? Switch to yourself. To understand the difference between thoughts and feelings, we need to get to know the latter better, because we cannot escape them.
