How to resolve conflicts: factors, strategies and techniques for different situations

Hello all readers! Lyudmila Redkina is with you, and today we will discuss a very interesting topic. When I was in my fifth year, we had the subject “Conflictology,” we looked at various sensitive conflicts, and many were even quickly resolved. And there are so many people among us who have been suffering for years because of unresolved situations. Even more are those who suffer from intrapersonal conflicts. This article will talk about how to resolve conflicts, who or what can help with this, what to do if the conflict is extremely difficult to resolve.

What is conflict and what types are there?

Conflict is a word of Latin origin that means a clash of interests, opinions, tendencies, saturated with strong emotional experiences, most often negative. Psychologists focus on the fact that if such a collision has already occurred, then it only brings destruction and negativity. Therefore, conflicts need to be resolved immediately, the sooner the better.

But there are studies that admit that a clash of interests also leads to positive results, like “truth is born in disputes.” For example, W. Lincoln argues that conflict leads to accelerated self-awareness, the search and unification of like-minded people, helps to set priorities and acquire new working contacts.

Well, I don’t think there’s any need to tell you about the negative impact; everyone has experienced it themselves at least once.

There are many classifications of such collisions; let’s leave all the details to the specialists, and I will describe only the main types:

Between groups, within groups, between individuals and within one individual.
Horizontal, vertical, mixed - they are defined according to the vertical of power and subordination.
Constructive, destructive.
Subjective and objective are divided according to the reasons for their occurrence.

I would like to pay attention to another classification - Deutsch, this is closer to human psychological processes:

genuine - your partner broke your favorite cup - is recognized by everyone, perceived as it is: he repents, you are angry;
accidental - you were late for a meeting because the bus was canceled - depends on circumstances that easily change, a feeling remains, but is not always realized;
displaced - a dispute between employees about a scheme - behind it lies another conflict, which is at the basis of this (for example, an employee is pushing the first one);
incorrectly assigned - the sister does not allow her to wear her shoes - the first does not understand why, the second does not understand why not, arises on the basis of an erroneous understanding of the situation;
latent - should have been there a long time ago, but does not arise, since the parties are not aware of it - the son does not go to “his bread” at 35 years old, his parents protect him;
false - one looked wrong, the second answered wrong - exists only because there is no understanding, that there are no objective grounds.

Unfortunately, at work and between children at school, the last 3 types of conflicts often arise. And they become surrounded by such intrigues that it is difficult to resolve them later. By the way, it is also often the case that someone is displaced, because it is difficult to forgive previous mistakes, so negativity comes out, perhaps hatred, at the first opportunity.

When not to avoid conflict

But there are times when avoiding a conflict situation is not worth it, because it will help resolve the problem. You can consciously enter into conflict if:

you need to defuse the situation by clarifying the painful issue with a loved one;
there is a need to break off the relationship;
to give in to your opponent means for you to betray your ideals.

But you need to remember that when intentionally going into conflict, you need to sort things out intelligently.

Where conflict situations occur

Disputes, disagreements, clashes of interests and opinions are a common phenomenon that happens wherever there are people. Where do you often encounter this kind of behavior?

At school

Nowadays, children have become more bitter, and every now and then you hear about shootings, bullying and harassment. Attacks on the “dissenter” are repeated more and more often. Conflict situations occur between children at school almost every 5 minutes. There’s nowhere without them: someone realizes themselves, someone proves they’re right, someone wins a place in the sun.

But that's not even the point. The thing is that children are now not taught how to constructively get out of conflict situations. In a class where confrontation occurs, it is important to explain behavior during conflict, how to correctly prove your opinion and perceive the opinions of other people. Sometimes conflicts arise between a student and a teacher, and that’s life.

Although 30 years ago we could not even imagine that a student would test his license in front of an adult teacher. To counter child cruelty and teach conflict resolution at school, there are good books that teach how to teach children to resolve conflicts.

At work

Often clashes of opinions occur between employees.
Experts have noticed that it is especially difficult to resolve conflict situations in a female team where at least one man works. We women are so designed that we want to please the opposite sex even without any hints. It is quite difficult to resist conflicts in the workplace, because everyone is for himself, everyone strives to show their professionalism and skills, show responsibility, and prove to management that they are right. Learn to work as a team without arguing.

Conflict situation at work

In family

This, in general, is a separate topic, since any detective will say with confidence that most crimes happen on a domestic basis, that is, in families. Family confrontation, on the one hand, leads to an improvement in relations (if each participant is constructive), on the other hand, it completely destroys all blood ties.

In the process of clarifying the relationship, a wife can tell her husband and vice versa a lot of unnecessary things, “cover” each other with obscenities, and offend. But this will only aggravate the situation. Learn not to get personal, but to figure out the problem in the situation.

Disputes between teenagers and parents often arise. The reason for this situation is banal, described by Turgenev in his work “Fathers and Sons” - the conflict of generations. Quarrels with parents arise even in old age, when the “children” are over 60 and the parents are already under 90.

These are the main areas where clashes of interests and opinions occur. So what to do when your opponent is indestructible, but you don’t want to subordinate your opinion to anyone?

Strategies for dealing with conflict

Competition: shark. Like a predator when attacking

Photo: rohit: Pexels

“+” possibility of absolute victory, effectiveness in extreme conditions
“-” possibility of severe loss, fragility of results

When the strategy is justified:

dangerous situation;
"nothing to lose";
resources (power) guarantee victory;
the stakes are extremely high;
you need to promote an unpopular but correct decision;
you need to impress outsiders.

Tactical actions:
control of the enemy and his sources of information, constant pressure by all available means, deception, cunning, provocations, reluctance to enter into dialogue.

Which personalities are characteristic of:

domineering, intolerant of dissent, retrograde, afraid of criticism, afraid of collecting information about themselves, ignoring collective opinion.

Evasion: Turtle. Escape into a cozy shell

Photo: Ludvig Hedenborg: Pexels

“+” demonstration of the neglect of the problem, compensatory factors (sympathy, outside help), saving effort.
“-” demonstration of one’s passive-suffering attitude, aggravation of the situation due to an unresolved contradiction, spreading the influence of a quarrel to different areas of life (up to the appearance of psychosomatic diseases).

When the strategy is justified:

victory is not of fundamental importance;
calm and stability are more important;
it is more important to maintain good relationships;
there is a threat of more serious disagreement;
understanding that you are wrong;
hopelessness of the problem;
insignificance of the problem;
victory requires too much effort.

Tactical actions:
demonstrative withdrawal, refusal to use force, refusal to collect facts, denial of the severity of the conflict, slowness in decision-making.

Which personalities are characteristic of:

shy, too susceptible to criticism, prone to the “maybe it will work out” attitude, unable to manage a conversation.

Collaboration: fox. Caution is everything

Photo: Joseph Yu: Pexels

“+” the possibility of a fair outcome and equal division of benefits
“-” dependence on other people’s concessions, waste of energy on negotiations, the possibility of becoming a victim of deception during the bargaining process, the fragility of solving the problem.

When the strategy is justified:

both sides are convincing;
lack of time;
collaboration and directive approaches are ineffective;
opponents' resources are equal;
a temporary solution is needed;
victory is not of fundamental importance;
It's better to gain something than to lose everything.

Tactical actions:
bargaining, deception, flattery, demand for an equal division.

Which personalities are characteristic of:

cautious, intolerant of harshness, not loving to go into details.

Settling: Teddy bear. Do what you want - just let's live together!

Photo: Wilson Vitorino: Pexels

“+” in some cases the problem is solved by itself thanks to friendly relations.
“-” sacrificing personal goals, bringing to a situation of self-preservation, unresolved problem.

When the strategy is justified:

victory is not of fundamental importance;
it is more important to maintain good relationships;
need to gain time;
to give in means to win a moral victory.

Tactical actions:
agreement, demonstration of unpretentiousness, indulgence, flattery.

Which personalities are characteristic of:

spineless, obsequious, “a manipulator’s dream.”

Compromise: owl. Love for Sanity

Photo: cottonbro: Pexels

“+” elaboration of the problem, the possibility of a constructive resolution of the conflict
“-” expenditure of effort and time for strong-willed decisions and wise management of the situation (do not take advantage of the weaknesses of the “Turtle” and “Teddy Bear”, oppose peaceful means to the behavior of the “Shark”)

When the strategy is justified:

a win-win solution is essential;
long-term close relationship with the other party;
enough time to work through the problem;
opponents' resources are equal.

Tactical actions:
collecting information about the problem and the enemy, carefully calculating resources, open dialogue, criticism “to the point,” demonstrating one’s talents to exert influence, accepting the opponent’s reasonable ideas.

Which personalities are characteristic of:

innovators who do not tolerate insults and know how to put aside emotions.

How can a leader prevent the emergence and development of conflicts?

Select and arrange personnel depending on the professional and psychological qualities of people.
Do not allow your unity of command to be violated.
Protect your team in the face of an “external threat.”
Maintain an atmosphere of trust in your team.
Regulate employee relationships.
Broadcast and support the corporate standard and corporate values.
Explain to employees the “rules of the game”, use rewards and punishments in accordance with the implementation and disregard of these rules.
Identify conflicting people based on their characteristic qualities (inadequate self-esteem, desire to dominate, reluctance to overcome outdated traditions, excessive straightforwardness and emotionality).
Don’t get personal and don’t use prohibited techniques like “I demand...”, “You must...”, “You don’t understand this...”, “I’m warning you for the last time...”, “What are you so busy with right now?”
Use the methodology for constructing a conflict map proposed by researchers X. Cornelius and S. Fair (general features of the problem, who is involved, what are their true needs).
In any circumstances, act calmly, based on your official status.
In a dispute between employees, remain neutral, find out the facts, and guide the parties to constructively resolve disagreements.
Admit your mistakes and reverse bad decisions.

Conflict is not chaos or a tornado, but a structured phenomenon. Choose appropriate strategies and don't complicate problems with rash decisions. As the French writer-philosopher François de La Rochefoucauld said, human quarrels would not last so long if all the blame were on one side.

Managing Interpersonal Conflicts

It is not always possible to resist aggression and resolve conflict peacefully. It depends on some factors or reasons why it occurred.

Factors

The same Lincoln identified five factors that are at the origins of the confrontation:

Informational. A quarrel arises based on rumors, suspicions, that is, a lack of information. The person comes up with something, gets offended by it, and even resorts to open confrontation.
Behavioral. Unacceptable behavior of one of the participants in the collision. Here I mean unreasonable rudeness and aggression in relationships. Manifests itself through broken promises, self-centeredness, and apparent superiority.
Relationship. Something is preventing you from building good relationships. This may be incompatibility of social level, education, values, etc.
Value-based. Inconsistency of principles. For example, one partner “cheated” the other out of money, while the other, even in a nightmare, could not think of such a deception.
Structural. Circumstances that hardly change: norms of behavior, legal norms, hierarchy, power.

A conflict specialist in an organization, knowing these factors, can prevent and constructively resolve a conflict.

Strategies

Conflict management workshops describe two main strategies:

Partnership strategy. It is based on the tag “any conflict can be resolved through compromise,” and therefore takes into account the interests, opinions and needs of the opponent. At the same time, a search for common ground and opinions is being conducted.
Pressure strategy. In interpersonal disputes, a person focuses only on himself, his opinion, goals, imposing them.

Strategy of pressure in conflict

Techniques

To resolve social conflict, you need to use some techniques:

Take control of your emotions. If you turn on self-control in time, you can peacefully resolve all troubles and disputes.
Try to understand your interlocutor. For some situations, it is important to have a high level of emotional intelligence. Selfishness is not the best way to resolve disagreements. He will help, but in the end you will be alone. Better try to hear your opponent, even if you do not support him at all.
Ask questions before the starting point. Try to ask questions “why”, “why”, “what for”, getting to the core of the problem.
If you object, offer an alternative. This shows that your interlocutor's opinion is important to you.
Don't stop halfway. If you have already started to conflict, make it a rule not to remain without a solution to the controversial situation.

Methods

In psychology, there are 5 ways to resolve conflict situations:

Rivalry is the imposition of one’s vision, opinion, and interests. Constructive only with limited time when making decisions.
Compromise - mutual concessions. It's like a marriage contract that one owes the other and vice versa.
Adaptation - concession, surrender of positions, the opponent wins.
Cooperation - in other words, commonwealth - rivals begin to cooperate in an amicable way. Conflict experts believe that this is the best way to “amicably” resolve the problem.
Care – avoiding a conflict situation with minimal losses. But with this method, deep-seated problems are not solved, they only accumulate.

Speak only for yourself

When you rely on your own experience, your words are almost impossible to dispute. But when you start speaking for other people, anyone can object or doubt your arguments. And you are very likely to exaggerate, simplify information, or slip into stereotypes. And definitely weaken your position in the dispute.

Therefore, base your speech on your own experience. If someone else's experience is really important to your argument, find a way to get the person to talk about it personally.

Recommendations for resolving intrapersonal conflicts

Intrapersonal conflicts cause a lot of problems for a person. They can destroy personality, but also lead to self-development. If you are overcome by negative experiences due to the contradiction of the structures of the inner world, then this is the place for you. In simple words, internal conflict in a person causes serious feelings, lack of self-acceptance, and negative changes in behavior.

Often such problems happen to a teenager, a lonely or creative person. But other people are also susceptible to such psychological problems at different stages of their lives. So, what you need to do for self-help, recommendations:

try to understand what exactly doesn’t suit you; if you can’t figure it out on your own, it’s better to consult a psychologist;
analyze how you got into this situation, what led you to it;
formulate the “hearth” of the problem, discarding everything unnecessary;
when you find out what haunts you, honestly admit to yourself what this state gives you, perhaps you will make some important decision;
transform negative emotions into positive ones, creativity, relaxation;
if you are not satisfied with your activity, try to change it or make changes to it;
correlate desires, needs and opportunities, answer yourself what you are currently capable of;
develop the ability to forgive and not be offended by people, it will be useful to you, especially in relation to yourself;
learn to say “no” to what stresses you out;
in the end, cry, it will help reset all the accumulated negativity.

Look for ghosts

Imagine for a moment that ghosts exist. If you believe this, you will begin to notice things that you didn’t pay much attention to before (the sudden touch of cold air on your skin, the creaking of floorboards) and give it new meaning.

Try to include this kind of thinking in disputes. Look at the matter from someone else's point of view, even if it seems absurd to you at first. You'll likely notice things that you would otherwise have missed or dismissed as unimportant. This will help you understand your opponent better.

What should not be allowed during a conflict

In any situation you need to remain human, even in the biggest conflict. What should not be allowed in the event of a conflict of interests:

speak criticism towards the individual, and not about the situation;
assert that you are confident in the mercantile interests and motives of your opponent;
characterizing a person’s condition is very annoying;
show that you are superior to him, instruct;
blame only one side for everything;
exert physical influence;
touch a person's nerves;
remember old grievances.

If the initiator of the dispute is an aggressor and boor

If you are being emotionally bullied, manipulated or mistreated, follow these 5 strategies to overcome the situation:

Strategy 1. “Calm”

Express your opinion honestly and openly, and try to speak calmly, politely and kindly.

Don't try to defend yourself. Provocateurs feed on your reaction, so you should not get involved in the traps of a manipulator.

Strategy 2. “Psychological Aikido”

Agree with any criticism of your opponent. Very soon this will reach the point of absurdity, he will not stand your indifference and will leave.

Strategy 3. “Humor”

Laughter not only prolongs life, but can also change the entire atmosphere of a situation. At the moment when your opponent takes a deep breath in order to express something negative in your direction, make a joke to break the mood and change the outcome of the conflict.

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Strategy 4. “Taking care of the hedgehog”

Most bullies are people with low self-esteem. They disguise all their fears under their best skill - rudeness and rudeness. And this “hedgehog care” strategy is just right for them.

Give in and allow the offender to “win” the game. Have pity, support and empathy. In this case, he will soften, hide the thorns, and there will be peace.

Strategy 5. “Ignoring”

There is nothing more beautiful than silence. Use it if you are not ready to enter into conflict with your opponent and if you don’t need anything from him.

Don't show emotion and continue doing your own thing. Any attempts on the part of the interlocutor to express anything in your direction will end in disappointment. This won't last long, and the opponent will simply leave.

Before deciding what to do in a given situation, do not forget to assess the situation and the global meaning of the entire dispute. Not all conflicts are worth paying attention to. In any case, stay calm and remember about projections. And if there is an opportunity not to participate in the conflict, grab it and leave.

How to be prepared for conflicts

We are met with disagreements at every step: your apartment can be flooded, you can be accused of something you didn’t do, you can be “loaded” at work for no reason, and more, more, more. If you take all situations to heart, this can lead to neurosis and other problems. Therefore, you need to be mentally prepared for all sorts of troubles.

The online intensive “Effective Communication” will help with this. It will allow you to learn how emotions manifest in other people in order to understand yourself and those around you. You will learn to manage your emotional reactions, manage conflicts and communicate harmoniously. The course leader is Oleg Kalinichev, known for his rich experience in the psychology of emotions.

How to teach employees to “put out fires”

Sellers, managers, administrators - it is their lot that falls to work with conflicting clients. Teach them how to behave in a difficult situation, and then your intervention will be reduced to a minimum.

For an employee to understand how to resolve a conflict with a client, he must understand:

a) The Law “On the Protection of Consumer Rights” and know what the client has the right to demand;

b) In the range and features of the product/service, to answer any question or counter an unfounded claim;

c) In psychology - then he will not take the customer’s dissatisfaction personally and will calmly follow the rules.

Draw up instructions with a clear algorithm: when you need to cope with a situation on your own, in which cases you should resort to the help of management, and when you should call security.

Imagine possible situations

When you disagree with your opponent, you should not start a verbal fight. Just ask to imagine a hypothetical situation in which your scenario or your opponent is chosen, and think together about what it will entail. “You say we should offer people this opportunity. Now let’s imagine what our campaign will ultimately look like.” At such moments, protective reflexes turn off and logic turns on. Not for everyone, of course, but for reasonable people for sure. What's the result? You offered your solution to the problem and avoided a fight.

Without conflict, it is impossible to sincerely communicate

Of course, you can try to avoid all controversial issues, differences of opinion and other “dangerous” places. But then “inviolable territories” appear in the relationship, which become more and more numerous over time. People who constantly avoid conflict become distant—be it a couple who is afraid to openly discuss issues of fidelity and flirtation, views on children and marriage, or financial problems, or colleagues who are uncomfortable talking about areas of responsibility and boundaries of communication at work.

To avoid such a development of events, it is important to remember: confrontation in itself does not lead to a break in relationships or even spoil them, although it looks very risky for some people. Open conflicts are often feared by those who grew up with harsh parents who used physical punishment, shouted, boycotted, or demonstrated that they did not love the child during quarrels. Such people have learned from childhood that going into confrontation means losing the love of significant people, and even jeopardizing their basic needs (if they quarreled with their mother, they were deprived of dinner). Learning to conflict (perhaps with the help of a psychologist or coach) is important for everyone - and we will talk about this in the following paragraphs.

Use "I" or "A" instead of "BUT"

Try to use more “I’s” or “A’s” in your reasoning, because for you to be right, it is not necessary for someone to be wrong. If you hear something from a colleague that you do not agree with, then do not prove to him that he is a fool, but simply express your opinion as a counterweight. “You think that a night at a club is the best idea for a corporate event, but I think that an outing with the whole department will be more useful and interesting. How do you think?" Yes, your colleagues will have to think, but this way you will not turn a reasoned argument into a quarrel.

Turn it down

— Is it possible to prevent a conflict if it is about to break out?

— When you are inside, it is very difficult to monitor your emotional state. What can you do? The first thing is to realize that you are angry now. Next, calm down by any means necessary. Anything will do: sports, breathing exercises, walks. Having calmed down, lowering the degree of anger, you can then ask yourself the question: what hurt you so much in the words and actions of the “opponent”. For example, you can answer yourself that your husband does not consider you. The next step is to ask why you think so and give the answer: because he behaves in such and such a way. Let’s say he doesn’t bring flowers, doesn’t listen, or comes home late from work. That is, for you this behavior is a symbol of the fact that he does not consider you, does not love you, and so on.

It is then important to consider whether there may be other motives for such behavior. This will lower the level of emotions. For example, a thought may occur to you: he has a busy work schedule, so he comes late; maybe he doesn't know that I like flowers, and so on. When the degree of emotions is lowered, you need to choose a time so that you both are calm, not in a hurry, and just talk about it without making complaints. Not in the spirit of “attacking”: “You are so and so, you’ve completely neglected your family, you don’t worry about us!”, but describing your feelings: “When you come at 12 at night, I feel very lonely, I’m offended. At these moments it seems to me that no one needs me, including you.”

When you do not talk about your feelings, but accuse, it is very difficult for a person not to get into a defensive position, because to him the partner seems to be attacking and insulting, and he himself is an innocent victim. And, while defending yourself, you can deliver significant blows: “But you yourself...” The wife, who tried to “talk” like that, gets even more angry: not only does he offend her, but now he accuses her of everything. She also intensifies her attack. Thus, the conflict escalates, and everyone considers himself a victim. Therefore, it is important not to lead to this using the methods I mentioned above.

— Maybe we shouldn’t touch on “explosive” topics?

“If you don’t touch upon painful issues in the family—personal relationships, children, money, relatives, physical intimacy—then the tension will only grow.

It's a different matter when it comes to people not from the family circle. Now, unfortunately, society is split, and often even close friends quarrel over politics. Anyone can have their own opinion on anything, the main thing here is not to forget that you are connected by a common childhood, for example, a passion for fishing and so on. And you need to cherish and cherish what unites you.

But discussing disagreements with friends, unlike family, is not always worth it. When it comes to friends and colleagues, you should not try to convince them otherwise. If a person wants to impose his own views on the world on everyone, he should think about his problems.

Ask about consequences

Direct, open-ended questions will be extremely useful when discussing work issues. If a decision is made that will change the company's strategy, then ask your colleagues to think about what consequences this change will bring. “Our service is of interest to the general public. Let’s transfer it to the executive segment and start shoveling money.” Ask your colleagues what the reaction to their actions will be. I think the answer is obvious: “Many will refuse to use our service and will go to competitors. Do we need this? This way you will show that you are not against the general line, but there are shortcomings in it. That is, you will express your opinion and not start a protracted conflict.

Do you engage in open confrontation with a person?

We were taught to directly tell a person that we reject him or establish our own rules. However, such statements can make an impressionable person nervous or feel awkward, so we have to delay our decision, afraid to voice it.

For such situations, introverts and hypersensitive people have simpler ways of communication. Maybrit used one of them:

Usually in a letter to a person I share my thoughts and impressions with him. At the same time, I have to express feelings that I am so afraid of, because they seem naive and rude to me. Then I talk to my interlocutor face to face. You never know how everything will go, but simple correspondence is cowardice compared to conversation.

Maybrit, 46 years old