It's time to take off the masks...
We rarely think about the fact that the masks we wear in everyday life not only hide something, but also transform us. We become who we represent.
The origins of the Venice Carnival came with the idea of wearing masks for anonymity. The masks were intended to blend the upper and lower classes, giving people the freedom to be themselves and feel equal. But an attempt to relieve social tension in this way had the opposite effect - masks freed the dark side of a person. By hiding his face behind a mask, a person was able to do and say whatever he wanted.
The modern world of masks is not so literal and city streets are not at all like Venice during the carnival period. But we are so used to pretending to be someone that it has become our second personality, our mask. And we have one of these masks for each social role we play. We pretend that we are real, but it is just a disguise. Getting used to the images, it becomes more and more difficult for us to separate our true identity from the feigned one.
"We all wear masks, and there comes a time when we can't remove them without removing some of our own skin." Andre Berthiame
The paradox of “Being yourself”
From all sides we are called to open up, to be real, to be ourselves.
But what does it mean?
We want to be real, but we have little idea what it is. This is the essence of the paradox of “being yourself” - instead of looking within, people try to impose on themselves the “real” opinion of others about themselves.
This opinion acts as a mirror in front of which we pose. We do everything to be seen the way we want. The real us is unknown to anyone (often even to ourselves), but a certain embellished character lives and breathes. We strive for this so much that we sacrifice our nature and ourselves - that unique thing that every human personality is.
We've turned internal research into a guessing game.
Authenticity is about staying true to what you believe in and expressing your sincere feelings and opinions.
But you have to be careful not to go to extremes and confuse authenticity with permission to do whatever you want. Authenticity is not the idea that we should behave on the outside the way we feel on the inside. Don't forget that society functions by maintaining a healthy distance between people.
Results
Thus, to be yourself means to follow your convictions, not to change your worldview in order to please other people, to please them. Honesty with yourself, regular self-knowledge, healthy reflection and self-analysis are the main tools for preserving yourself.
To be yourself, you need to know, understand and accept your characteristics, use both your strengths and weaknesses to your advantage, be able to compensate and mask your weaknesses, while not forgetting to constantly work on yourself and increase their strength.
It’s simple to be yourself: understand what I want to eat and drink, with whom and where I want to live, what I want to do, with whom I want to communicate; constantly remember this, choose and be responsible for your choice, set goals and achieve them. You have only one life, which neither your parents, nor the media, nor other people, nor stereotypes have the right to take away.
Who are you in fact?
Authenticity, in the psychological sense of the word, is related to our personality. Under pressure from society, a person often accepts its values and renounces his innate freedom.
“A person is least like himself when he speaks on his own behalf. But give him a mask and he will tell the whole truth." Oscar Wilde
Authenticity is accepting things as they are, not as they should be. But when things become a trend and become exclusive, we stop seeing them as they are. We confuse the mask with the true identity.
The desire to be famous and popular leads us to stop being ourselves in order to become someone else's fantasy. By worrying about the expectations of others, we fear who we are and who we want to be.
We have become a victim of our image. We dream of a perfect society, which has long since become false. Taking a photo of food has become more important than eating it, and the latest Facebook post has become an indicator of personality.
Instead of being authentic, we care about staying relevant . Social media has become a fake world carnival: we have to wear a mask to hide our true selves.
“To be yourself and no one else is the hardest task in the world, whose goal is to make you into someone else day and night. This is the most difficult human battle with the world, it never ends.” E. E. Cummings
What does it mean
To be yourself means to follow personal needs, desires, interests, and adhere to internal beliefs and values in any situation. It would seem that everything is simple: live the way you want and you will be happy. But besides our desires, there are social norms, social consciousness and obligations, the needs and interests of other people who may be oppositional or neutral towards us. We have already touched on this topic in the article “I want, I can, I must - the rules of choice. How to combine them in life and be happy” and in articles about healthy egoism and altruism, their balance.
Being yourself means feeling harmony, inner balance and calmness, and behaving naturally. This is the unity of thoughts and actions. And every choice, and we face dozens of choices every day, maintains this balance, strengthens a person’s faith in himself, self-love, self-respect and self-esteem.
However, you cannot find yourself one day and maintain this state. If the basis of “being yourself” is the needs and goals of the individual, then it is logical to assume that ideas about “being yourself” are dynamic. A person develops, his needs change, and new goals also appear. Accordingly, the personality changes, but at the same time she accepts these changes and makes new plans taking into account the new self.
Thus, to be yourself is to find harmony between a person’s inner world and the outer world. Find your calling and follow it. Understand your characteristics and use them to achieve your goals, search and find your calling. To be yourself means to be psychologically flexible, but not to constantly hide behind social masks, but to show your real “I”.
Give yourself permission to change
Being real doesn't mean being static. Your interests change over time, and so does your personality. The main thing is not to get stuck in your story.
The only thing that matters is who you become, not who you were. You are your choice. Your identity is not inherited or fixed. Only your decisions determine who you are.
When a person chooses himself, he creates a new comfort zone for himself - a kind of fortress that protects his personality from this world and its falsehood.
PS Take the challenge of being authentic in a fake world!
Additionally read:
- 3 main truths, or what really matters
- 3 Surprising Qualities That Make People Irresistible
- How to be happy now
“There is enormous external pressure to be the kind of people society wants us to be. Under such pressure, people wear masks,” says Professor Stephen Joseph, a coaching and consulting psychologist and author of Authentic: How to Be Yourself and Why It Matters.
But the benefits of becoming more authentic are vast and multifaceted. “You'll experience more joy and passion because you'll be able to do what you really want,” says Katie Caprino, career coach and host of the Finding Brave podcast. “And you will experience a deeper, stronger connection with others because you will finally be able to communicate from your heart, with truth and compassion, instead of pretending to be something you are not.”
It's time to take off the mask we've been wearing and start living a real life.
01. Do it for your job
Get in touch with your true self and you'll enjoy your work more. This is the conclusion of a study conducted by Dutch psychologists from Utrecht University in 2014 and published in the Journal Of Happiness Studies. The study measured employee authenticity and found that it was positively related to reported job satisfaction.
02. Understand drive
“The world is driven by a consumer culture that inhibits authentic living,” says Professor Joseph. We feel pressured to have more, to show progress through possessions, to see more value in material possessions than in honest, life-affirming relationships. “If we want greater authenticity, it means finding the freedom to live in ways that better meet our needs and help us reconnect with ourselves, others, and our sense of purpose.”
03. Fake = fear
“The urge to pretend to be someone we're not comes down to a basic fear of being rejected, humiliated, or punished if we reveal who we really are,” says Caprino.
“We are afraid of what might happen if we “find out” what we really think and believe, what “side” we want to take on a key issue, and what kind of life we want to lead.”
04. Describe the real you
“Journal for 10 minutes a day,” suggests Mr. John Siddique, counselor and author. “Notice your daily experiences and your reactions. What have you done or said that does not reflect your true self? What steps will I take tomorrow to reflect what I really want, what and who I really am?”
05. Take your time
The same Journal Of Happiness study found that while 72% of people said they are their authentic selves at work, it takes us an average of two to three months to show our true selves to our colleagues. Of this group, 60 percent were authentic by the three-month mark and 22 percent by the nine month mark. When this happens, managers also record higher rates of employee productivity and retention, according to a report prepared by researchers at Harvard Business School and the University of North Carolina. When employees are empowered to express their truest and best selves, they experience less anxiety and are less likely to suffer from burnout.
06. Talk to your inner child
“Family, generational and social conditions apply to us at an early age,” says Siddique. “We spend our entire lives defending and representing this. It affects your relationship patterns, your love patterns, your political perception of things; all of this may not actually belong to you.” Be willing to dig deep and unearth a little pain in pursuit of your true self - exploring your early life, and perhaps breaking old patterns.
07. Ask that inner child
“Who did you crave love from most as a child and who did you have to be to get it?” says Caprino. “When I first answered this question for myself, I was completely stunned. I suddenly realized that I needed to be “brilliant” for my father (who was brilliant himself) and “obedient” for my mother to fully accept him. You [act] in ways that you hope will generate the most love, acceptance and respect.”
08. Break free
“Conditioning means we stay ok with or laugh along with things we're really uncomfortable with, or know we wouldn't want the people we love and respect to see us do,” says Siddique . Be aware of the discrepancies between your actions and beliefs. If you find yourself making statements that you don't actually stick to, ask yourself if you believe the words you're saying?
09. Repeat where you can't be real...
“In what situations, with what people, in what moments do you feel like you have to lie and not share your real truth in your life, career or business,” asks Caprino. “And evaluate what you get from such behavior? What exactly is stopping you from standing up and being open and honest about what you feel and think and sharing more of who you are?”
10.
...And explore your core
In an essay for Greater Good Magazine, Ms. Patricia Hulin, a lecturer in the Desautels Faculty of Management at McGill University, says that when assessing your core values, you should ask the following questions: What can I discuss and what can't I? Are there any specific causes or virtues that you really value?
11. Then update your status
In a new paper in the journal Nature Communications, a Columbia University study found that social media users who wrote in an authentic manner for a week reported significantly higher levels of well-being, mood, and positive affect than when writing self-idealized posts.
12. Don’t be fooled by social media
“On social media, we are all more influenced by what others think and say than by how we think,” says Caprino. “Most people forget that what we see on other people's social media accounts is heavily varnished. If we feel like we have to constantly hide or change who we really are and suppress what we believe, that's a recipe for illness, depression and failure."
13. Set your boundaries
When our boundaries are out of place, it is very easy to stray from our authentic selves. “While this may involve some frank conversations, setting these boundaries is an important part of living an authentic life,” says Siddique. Set them with partners, friends, family and colleagues by limiting your time, energy, emotions, ethics, personal space and standards.
14. Look at yourself
“The key should always be to know yourself,” suggests Professor Joseph. “Take everything as an opportunity to learn, be open about who you are, don’t lie to yourself, but face your strengths and weaknesses equally.”
15. Get rid of truth serum
“We lose ourselves through drinking more than we do through discovering our true selves,” says a consultant with Tree House Recovery. At the more serious end of the scale, people with a physical addiction to alcohol constantly weave a complex web of lies. “They are like no one else,” explains Mr. Edmund Thierbout, co-creator of Beat The Booze. “Even those who suffer only from psychological addiction are constantly trying to deceive everyone around them into thinking that alcohol is not a problem.”
16.
Relax in nature
A series of studies published in the Journal Of Environmental Psychology highlights a consistent positive link between being outdoors and vitality. Subjects who ventured to beaches, lakes and forests regularly scored higher for energy, happiness and a greater sense of creativity.
17. Have an honest hobby
You can find a way to express your truest self while making a difference in the lives of others by giving back. Research shows that volunteers have higher self-esteem, emotional well-being and resilience. Forbes magazine reports that regular, tangible acts of selflessness help overcome impostor syndrome. Join a charity or just do good deeds.
18. Listening skills
“Authenticity means that you listen because you are curious and because you care, not just because you have to,” says Mr. Jesse Lahey, Chief Engagement Officer at Aspendale Communications. “True listening is a skill that requires practice and concentration—it is when you respond to the speaker in a way that shows that you care about what is being said.”
19. Find yourself through others
"Support others through tough times," says Dr. Zach Seidler, a clinical psychologist and men's mental health expert with Movember. “Research shows that helping our partner also brings out positive emotions in us and gives us a sense of purpose and self-worth.”
20. Reveal your “dirty secret”
“With open eyes, look at what you feel in your life or work that you need to hide in order to be accepted,” suggests Caprino. “Solve this problem, make it visible, let it see the light of day. Deal with it honestly and bravely."
21. Find a mentor
“If you don't feel like you deserve to be happy and successful, ask for an outside mentor and take a look,” says Caprino. Learning to lead an authentic life is not always easy, and you may need to work on other areas of your life, such as self-confidence, self-knowledge and goal setting.
22. Do positive tasks
“Sign up for activities that give you purpose and meaning,” suggests Dr. Seidler, a clinical psychologist and men's mental health expert at Movember. “It could be learning a new skill, taking on a challenge and using it to spend time with people who make you feel positive.”
23. Earn real respect
Authentic, honest bosses who are true to their beliefs deserve more respect from their employees, according to a Dale Carnegie Training College study. Overall, 84% of workers rated their managers' sincerity and "mea culpa" approach. It may not be a big surprise - but the same study found that only 51% of bosses admit they made a mistake.
24. Be open
It's not just management that needs a more honest approach. Deloitte found that 61% of people hide one aspect of their personality at work. “When you feel comfortable, you can be who you are,” says Caprino. “Even at critical moments in your professional life. Share your hobbies and interests with colleagues. Be honest and admit mistakes."
25. Talk tough
Identify a critical conversation you've wanted to have but haven't had the courage to do. “We often have sleepless nights knowing that there is something left unsaid in a relationship or friendship,” says Caprino. “Be true to yourself, acknowledge that elephant in the room, write down what you want to say, rehearse it with compassion, and when the time comes, present the truth as you see it.”
26. Refine your friendships
“Start respecting the real you and sharing that more openly with the world. For starters, be careful about social media, what you watch, and the people you let into your inner circle,” says Caprino. Only communicate with people who respect and value you deep down.
27. Be a mentor
“Concerning the well-being of others and taking a caring approach to family, friends and those with whom we interact gives us a sense of meaning and purpose,” insists Shelley Treacher, BACP psychotherapist and producer of the Underground Confidence podcast. “It follows that we feel more authentic, more fulfilled, and more aligned with our purpose in life when we care for others. Maybe this is really what we should be doing on this planet."
28. Buy yourself time
Learn to slow down before making commitments that you need to think about. “In this hectic world, we make decisions all the time,” says Siddique. Unfortunately, many of these decisions are made thoughtlessly. “So, slow down and make sure each of your decisions supports your authentic self.” And don’t let anyone push you into making a big decision before you’re ready.”
29. Be a better man
“To be grounded in your authentic self, you need to let go of the competitive bravado of the alpha male and instead seek fair situations,” says Siddique. “Drop the façade and the superiority, and instead face reality and say, 'You know I'm moving on X. And I know you're moving on Y, but let's combine those two axes and have a win-win.'”
30. Feedback as a gift
Your interactions with people will act as a mirror, reflecting your blind spots. Listening to what others tell you—or how they act in your presence—will help you reflect on your authentic self. “Don't take yourself too seriously,” Caprino adds. “Laugh at your shortcomings, you will stop worrying about them - accept your vulnerability.”
31. Appreciate a little ignorance
When we are concerned about something we think we should know, we often feel obligated to provide an answer. This compulsion—combined with a little ego—forces us to give answers. Be true to yourself and boldly say the words: “I don’t know.” In such an equal place, much more honest dialogue can occur.
32. Assess your true feelings
“Check in with yourself every day to see how you're feeling,” Caprino adds. “If you feel angry, resisted, ignored, invisible, resentful, violated, chronically exhausted, etc., then it’s time to address the gaps in your strength.” These gaps include not recognizing your special talents, abilities and achievements, communicating based on fear rather than power, giving in rather than dwelling on mistreatment, and allowing the past to continue to shape you.”
33. Present your authentic self.
“If you woke up tomorrow and found the courage to be more authentic and true to yourself, what would you do differently?” asks Caprino. “Just start being that person who isn’t an impostor or isn’t afraid to be yourself, and then watch what happens.”
Source: mrporter.com
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First exercise: “Your bag”
You will need a piece of paper and a pencil, as well as any hand luggage. It will take about fifteen minutes.
It is necessary to lay out the contents on the table, after which:
- Of all the things, select three that can most clearly reveal your personality, character, preferences, and qualities. If one is missing, you can visualize the one that most people carry in their bag.
- Now write, without being distracted by literacy, about each thing and how it reveals you.
- Then read the text and try to understand what new things you learned about yourself. To what extent has this activity changed your worldview? Don't make quick conclusions; you need to give yourself time to think.
- The exercise can also be done with things that are contained in your desk drawer, car glove compartment, on a closet shelf, and so on.
This exercise teaches you to focus your thoughts on yourself in order to understand yourself better.
Self-confidence tests
I took several tests to determine my confidence level. I can highlight two that I recommend: the Raidas method and the Romek method. I took both tests and both showed that my confidence level was average. But I'm working on becoming even more confident.
My test result using the Raidas method ↓
My test result using the Romek method ↓
Try these tests and see your results. By developing self-confidence, the test helps you take periodic measurements to understand how much you have progressed. So take the tests now and schedule it on your calendar to take it again in a month. This way you will determine what results your actions yielded.
IQ8
It is important not only to develop physically, but also spiritually. This is where education comes to the fore. A real man knows how to behave in society, those around him are not ashamed of him, and such people do not become the center of universal shame.
In the modern world, a certain swagger and ease, when a man is charismatic in any society, is confused with “redneckness” and the absence of any norms. The ability to behave in a stressful situation and in front of any people with dignity is a big plus, therefore, if there is a gap here, then it needs to be filled as quickly as possible. The yard cattle don’t even have the desire to learn about their shortcomings, because they have much more problems than a well-mannered man.
Why I decided to write this guide
My name is Yuri Galmakov. I made this guide when I was searching for myself and wanted to become more confident in myself. Therefore, here is everything that I myself experienced.
Developing self-confidence is painful. You have to give up a lot of things that seemed true and accept new things, learn new things. It's like quitting smoking, only ten times harder. Because to quit smoking you only need to change one habit, but to gain confidence you need to work on changing yourself from all angles. But it's different for everyone. It was difficult for me, but it seems I managed it, and continue to cope.
Telegram channel about money, freelancing and remote work
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Only benefit and nothing but benefit
Self-confidence will not come immediately after reading the article. This is a process of change within a person. But, when you finish reading this article, you will have an understanding of the issues of confidence, knowledge of what to do next, and the desire to take steps towards change. I really hope so.
The purpose of leadership is to launch the mechanism of change in your head. Self-confidence comes through action, so reading what is written on this page is not enough. We need to act.
After reading this guide, I want you to take action, not because you need to, but because you want to. In this case, actions are easy. And you will enjoy every action on the path to self-confidence.
What has changed in my self-confidence during this time? I stopped being sensitive to criticism and started writing songs and poems and publishing them on social networks. I learned to say “no” to people who asked me to do something I didn’t want to do. I became more attentive to my desires, body and time. I started getting enough sleep and enjoying each day more. The main thing is that I took the path that is most important to me in this life. The path of creativity. The Creator has been inside me since childhood. But someone put him to sleep. And so I managed to wake him up again and force him to create for the good of everything.
I hope this guide helps you change, find yourself, and become confident in your path. I will be very happy about this. If you would like to chat or ask a question, write to me at [email protected]
“You don’t respect me!”i
You need to treat not only yourself with respect, but also those around you, and especially women who really value this quality. Even if a man does not have the ideal of female beauty in front of him, he will never dare to be rude or speak boorishly towards this girl.
Respect is shown at all levels:
- Relationship with mother. A real man will always be on good terms with the most important woman in his life, and even if she did something wrong once in his childhood, he will try to forgive her. Given his independence and freedom, such a man will always find time to go to his mother and visit her, without compromising family relationships.
- Relationships with other women. It is important that a man can control his emotions not only with his beloved, but also with everyone else. You need to remember that the girl living nearby will analyze her man’s behavior in any situation.
- Male hierarchy. A real man must communicate well and respectfully with his male brethren, trying to find an approach to any personality. It is possible to solve problems with brute male force, and sometimes it is very necessary, but still the main advantage of a man is a rational mind that can calculate any options for a possible dialogue.
I see the goal - I see no obstacles_8212
90% of the population of the entire Earth dreams of existing idlely and aimlessly. However, those who have reached such an opportunity due to some circumstances or reasons understand the bitter truth - it is impossible to live without a goal. The road to nowhere has never led a person to happiness, because goals are steps to the desired standard of life.
You must always have a goal and ambition, because anyone can live aimlessly. But only a real man can get off the couch and force himself to follow the thorny path to what he wants.
How self-confidence relates to needs and self-actualization
We cannot become confident unless we are on the path that is destined for us.
Again it sounds esoteric. Let's put it another way: when we don't realize our potential and don't develop our talents, it's difficult to become self-confident. Almost impossible.
At the same time, it is very difficult to realize our potential if we have not met our basic needs. They absorb our attention and prevent us from focusing on developing our potential and talents.
You've probably heard of Maslow's Pyramid of Needs.
Abraham Maslow argued that when our needs are met, it is easier for us to realize our inner potential.
♦ At the base of the pyramid are physiological needs : food, water, sleep, oxygen and everything that is necessary to live. If a person lacks this, he concentrates his energy on getting it. When a person is hungry, sick or simply thirsty, it is difficult to develop talents. And when these needs are met, he can move on to higher affairs.
♦ At the next level is the need for security . We want you to live in a stable, safe environment, protected from the elements and predators. Once an event occurs in life that takes that away (like a hurricane destroying our home), we begin working to make it safe again. And once we have dealt with this, we can again switch to developing potential.
♦ Next is the need for involvement and love . We want to be part of a social group. Without this, we feel unnecessary, useless, empty and lonely. And when it is satisfied, we experience elation.
♦ At the next level, the need for respect . Maslow identifies two forms of this need: the desire for personal achievement and the desire for recognition and approval from others. Without these basic needs, we feel inadequate, helpless and incompetent. And when they are satisfied, we feel confident, savvy, and worthwhile.
