My husband is jealous of the past, what to do, advice from psychologists

Jealousy is not always justified; often this feeling poisons relationships for no reason. According to statistics, men are much more likely to be jealous. There are situations when negative emotions arise when thinking or talking about the spouse’s past, her intimate life with previous admirers. What reasons lie behind this behavior? Is this normal, what consequences should we prepare for?

You can find out about all this, as well as advice from psychologists on how not to be jealous of your wife’s intimate past, below.

Reasons for being jealous of your wife's past

If a girl had several boyfriends before marriage, then the husband may doubt whether she will be faithful to him in marriage.
The reasons for the behavior are considered to be a sense of ownership, uncertainty, and low self-esteem. In fact, every person is characterized by jealousy, but some individuals can control emotions, while others are eaten up by thoughts from the inside.

Nature has laid down psychological attitudes in people:

1. The male must fertilize as many females as possible.
2. The female must have a single partner.

It turns out that a man is not forbidden to have rich experience of past relationships (and this is even tacitly encouraged: the richer the experience, the cooler the man), while a decent woman supposedly should not have any premarital relationships.

If a girl had several boyfriends before marriage, then her husband may doubt whether she will be faithful to him in marriage, whether she will want variety.

Provoking factors of jealousy include:

1. Idealization of romance novels. A person lives by outdated traditions and believes that a woman should marry a virgin.
2. Little experience. If a spouse had fewer connections before marriage, then he feels awkward because of this, gets irritated, and may cheat.
3. Love of youth. The guy might have fallen in love a long time ago, but the girl became his wife after a while. It was deposited in the subconscious that the chosen one “cheated on him.”
4. Familiar exes. The man sees ridicule from people who had contact with his wife.
5. Suspicions of infidelity. If a girl keeps in touch with her exes, the man believes that the connection is reinforced by sex.

The harm of jealousy for real relationships

There are manifestations of jealousy that affect relationships, rather, beneficially: it can provoke passion and force partners to look at each other in a new way. But jealousy of the past can harm even healthy relationships, since it is not creative and in most cases is based only on subjective speculation and fantasies.

For example, if a girl is jealous of a guy’s past, she puts him in an uncomfortable position, since he will not be able to prove or disprove the facts of his biography.

If one person lives in the present, and the other endlessly digs into the past and finds more and more signs of former happy relationships and connections, this will negatively affect both partners and gradually destroy intimacy.

It is worth remembering that jealousy of the past is a one-sided conflict, the addressee of which is not the partner, but the inner “I” of the jealous person, his grievances and complexes.

The other side of such jealousy: what is the negative point for a woman?

Few people can withstand reproaches, suspicions, insults, especially if they are groundless. In situations, girls get lost: men don’t believe excuses; if they remain silent, they become more suspicious.

In most cases, scandals end with the jealous person:

• may not let you leave the house;
• pick up the phone;
• deprive the Internet;
• accompany you anywhere and everywhere;
• prohibit working, wearing makeup, wearing skirts, communicating with friends and relatives;
• threaten;
• let go of your hands.

The behavior causes fear, the woman becomes a victim of domestic violence . Psychologists do not advise to be patient; you need to quickly get away from the tyrant: being around a man is dangerous, especially with children.

A man who realized that baseless jealousy destroys a family

#1: Think about the future

The more you delve into the past, the worse your present is. You need to look forward and not try to change what you can no longer influence. Here are a few techniques to help you shift your mind from thinking about the past:

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1. Remember 5 positive moments in your relationship.
2. Talk through your feelings.
3. Use affirmations, self-hypnosis through repetition of positive attitudes, such as “I am not jealous”, “Her past should not concern me.”

How to get rid of jealousy about your wife's past?

The man, who realized that groundless jealousy destroys the family, entered the first stage of “healing.” A person must understand: there are no ideal people, everyone has a past. The main thing is the present, the future is being built now.

The advice of psychologists comes down to the fact that a man suppresses outbursts of aggression:

• no longer in control;
• allowed me to dress beautifully;
• stopped judging;
• increased my self-esteem;
• showed concern for his wife.

Jealousy is the fear of a partner leaving. A spouse is more likely to leave a jealous husband than a caring husband.

Regarding former partners

Jealousy towards ex-partners develops due to comparison. To solve a problem, you need to love yourself; there are different ways to increase self-esteem.

It is important to learn trust , especially if the companion did not give any reason to suspect. A woman has already made a choice in your favor - which means that other partners are inferior to you in some way.

Items, gifts from the past

You shouldn’t take gifts seriously; in most cases, it’s just a shame to throw away trinkets. In fact, a jealous person doesn’t care about things, he just needs a reason.

You need to figure out for yourself whether suspicions will really stop after the disappearance of past objects. If yes, explain to your partner; if not, things have nothing to do with it.

Is this normal and what are the consequences of such jealousy?

The saying “He is jealous means he loves” is actually wrong. Constant suspicions only provoke betrayal. A violent feeling of jealousy requires self-control and suppression, otherwise it will lead to irreparable consequences. For example:

• quarrels, scandals - destructive behavior leads to misunderstandings, quarrels, deterioration of the microclimate in family relationships;
• mutual reproaches - constant accusations towards the spouse will provoke a defensive reaction, expressed in retaliatory attacks;
• loss of respect - demonstrating self-doubt and low self-esteem will sooner or later lead to your wife no longer respecting you;
• betrayal - constant suspicions of betrayal can push her, if not to betrayal, then to thoughts about it;
• breakup of a marriage - a growing feeling and complete distrust will lead to the fact that the relationship will be put on pause or completely destroyed.

Are you jealous of your spouse and her old friends?
Not really

Exercises and advice from a psychologist

To get rid of the state of jealousy, first of all, psychologists recommend taking care of yourself, increasing your self-esteem, finding a hobby, stopping living the life of your partner, and not contacting your wife’s former boyfriends.

Psychologists have developed an exercise that affects consciousness, the rules are that the jealous person must:

1. Analyze suspicions, set your thoughts to get rid of them if the assumptions are not confirmed.
2. Control your emotions. Replace angry outbursts with pleasant memories.
3. Talk about a sore subject, learn to believe the words of your beloved.
4. Take your mind off the problem. You can play sports, learn something new, set a goal, spend your time usefully without leaving it to think.

What exactly bothers you about her past?

Guys often say, “I can’t forgive a girl for her past.” What is hidden behind these words? Here are the most common complaints a man has about his chosen one, which change his attitude:

1. Many partners. For 4 years you thought that you were her first or second, but then it comes up, first one of her exes, then another. It turns out that you got an experienced wife, but you thought that you taught her everything yourself. You feel like a “deer” and are sure that she is not the one you fell in love with.
2. Official marriage and the status of a “divorced woman” are stressful for many men. Often the attitude towards this fact is worse than when a girl simply lives with a guy.
3. Having children, even if a woman hid them with their grandmothers for a long time, is a serious test.
4. Cheating on her part in past relationships. There is a fear that your wife will betray you.
5. Relationships of convenience greatly change the opinion of your beloved or even your wife.
6. She has a criminal past: this turns some people on, but scares others, especially if the girl was charged with serious charges. Don't forget this.

And that's not all. Some guys get to the bottom of the fact that the girl had 40 partners before him, while others cannot forgive that his wife once dated one. Yes, sometimes it’s worth looking at a girl from a slightly different angle after finding out her past, but often the problem is you. If you are satisfied with everything except the fact of what once was, then either there are no feelings, or you are just “freaking out.” Before you forget a girl's past, pay attention to these signals and respond correctly.

Low self-esteem

The woman believes that she is worse than her lover’s former passions: less slender, bright, smart, successful, and so on. This further reduces self-esteem and makes you nervous. Indeed, how can you keep such an ideal husband if you yourself are far from a goddess?

I didn't have any problems with this. I believed that I was more beautiful, slimmer, smarter, more attractive, wiser. And my man supported me in this.

Advice. It is important to understand that there will always be someone better than you, this is normal. But this fact does not mean that you are not worth attention! Each person is unique, with his own strengths, amazing abilities and inclinations, and these are the ones that need to be developed, nurtured, and used to achieve your goals in life. Love yourself and your husband will adore you.

Also, do not completely immerse yourself in your spouse, forgetting about yourself. A sober mind will tell you what to do. You don’t need to hang around your partner, but become a person yourself who is interesting to him. Remember your skills and passions, play sports, go to the pool, find a new hobby and make time for your own affairs and meetings with friends. This way there will be less time left for stupid thoughts, there will be a reason to be proud of yourself and an understanding that you are worthy of a husband, so why should he look around?

#6: Talk to her honestly and directly.

There is nothing worse than hidden checks and suspicions. This will confuse your relationship even more, and then she will not be able to forgive you for your unworthy behavior. The best way to cope and forget is an open conversation. You will be surprised how simple and understandable everything will be after you have a heart-to-heart talk. You will no longer worry about how to stop being jealous of your girlfriend's past. You yourself will understand: maybe accept your wife, forget and move on, or it’s time to leave. If you don’t know where to start a conversation with her in order to sort things out, then check out the “First Phrases Constructor” at this link.

These ways to forgive a girl’s past will help her cope with her emotions and forget everything. And if you don’t know where exactly to start, then look at these instructions.

#5: Don’t provoke thoughts about her past in order to forget faster

Pay attention at what point you begin to worry and overthink yourself. If this happens during your separation, create conditions so that the two of you have fun together and spend more time usefully, and not just because of your jealousy. If you suspect her of commercialism, try not to give large gifts for a while, not to pay the bill for her in a cafe, citing financial difficulties. Just minimize situations that remind you of unpleasant moments in order to forget faster.

Why do men want to know about their exes?

First of all, you need to understand why men strive to find out in detail about their wife’s intimate relationships before marriage.

• To avoid making unpleasant discoveries later

The train of thought is this: you meet a nice girl, she is gentle and modest, even timid. And later you learn about her such stormy adventures that you would at least sink into the ground in shame. It’s better to scout everything out right away, and the sooner the better.

Many people argue like this: it’s better for me to find out everything myself than for someone to whisper to me later. That is, a man asks his wife about her former boyfriends just to be in the know.

• A romance that hasn't ended yet

This happens too. The girl broke up with her boyfriend, but still loves him. Starts dating someone else only to somehow get the previous partner out of his head. She still hopes that the former gentleman will come to his senses, understand that he has always loved only her, and the relationship will resume. And in order not to feel too sad at this time, she starts a new romance, which means nothing to her. However, she will not refuse to get married, just so as not to be alone. In such a situation, of course, it is better for the man to find out about his ex (or ex) and not allow the deceiver to lead him by the nose.

It often turns out that the relationship is not completely completed and people are still attached to each other. It rarely happens that a woman has no past connections at all. And here the husband will have a lot of questions: how often does the wife see the previous gentleman, do they intersect at work or meet when the ex wants to see their common child (not an uncommon situation), etc. The husband's anxiety is understandable.

• The best of the best

Many men expect a similar characteristic from their passion, which is why they ask about their exes. This also happens (perhaps due to male insecurity). The husband found out about his ex, and after that he wants the woman to put a “quality mark” on him, assuring him that he is better than all the previous ones both in bed and in everyday life. Few men voice this line of thinking in conversations with psychologists. But women think about it. They really want to feel better than all their spouse’s previous passions and it is against the background of others that they feel their own worth. In addition, each man has his own ideas about morality. For example, some people will not date a girl who has had more than one boyfriend before him.

• What if there are three of us?

It's hard to believe, but some men have such fantasies. They ask about your ex, and then imagine what it would be like for you all in bed together.

• At least I wouldn't die of curiosity!

The idea that curiosity is only a feminine quality is an absolute myth. Men also love to learn all sorts of “stories” and ask clarifying questions. If you come across just such a person, get ready to retell your whole life to him in detail. He will inquire not out of harm, but out of curiosity.

Reasons for discontent

There may be enough reasons to be jealous and suspicious. However, their validity is not always based on facts. Often speculation is presented as truth and is considered the only true one. Do not succumb to the provocations of the subconscious and assess the situation soberly.

Comparing your current partner with your ex

Openly telling your partner that he is losing compared to his former lover is the biggest mistake that can be made in a relationship, even with a non-jealous person. Such words are usually disguised as a desire to motivate change, but as a result, both receive a negative response. Hearing this, the young man will probably be offended, because his leadership position has been greatly questioned.

Naturally, after this the guy is jealous of the girl for her past. The same applies to the opposite situation. Don't say this to your partner if you don't want to break up in the near future.

Such words are not always spoken consciously. Sometimes a comparison is made as a harmless remark, a hint of improvement in a certain action. This motivates some men, but discourages others from continuing the relationship. If a girl decides to use such tactics to achieve her goals, she needs to think about the wording and situation so as not to anger the young man.

Great love for children from a previous marriage

Strong feelings for another object cause feelings of competition. The situation when a child and a parent live separately but see each other periodically is familiar to many young families. Fathers who have left the family and started new relationships often find themselves in this situation.

One of the options for the situation is that the current partner stole the guy, destroying the marriage, but is now jealous of the children with whom the young man is dating. The reaction is natural, since the woman forced or provoked betrayal, and now she is worried about the possibility of the same outcome, a repetition of betrayal. In this case, the problem is solely in the girl’s head, because at a certain moment she competed with her legal spouse, but won, which means a clear lead in all aspects.

Another situation is that a young father met a new girl after the divorce. Now that he is visiting the children, the woman is worried about a possible return to her ex-wife. This is a more reasonable case for concern, since such situations occur often, especially if the ex-wife is not caught up in a new hobby. However, you cannot panic and constantly reproach the young man for infidelity. This may make him think about getting back together.

But it doesn’t hurt to observe more carefully, especially when it comes to the aspect of your relationships. Assess the level of attentiveness, romanticism and interest. Compare with the initial stage. Draw conclusions about the behavior, and if the result is unsatisfactory, discuss the problem.

Good relationship with ex-partner

Trusting relationships between separated young people are possible, but their establishment requires time to accept the situation. Three options are possible:

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How to surprise your wife: the best ideas for different occasions

1. Young guys who dated for a short time. Such people can remain friends, especially if before the start of the relationship they knew each other for a long time and communicated closely. There is no point in being jealous, since this is really a friendly relationship and nothing more.
2. A young couple who recently separated after ending a long-term or romantic relationship. This is an unlikely scenario in which new partners are usually used as a "pill". If suspicions constantly arise about a not entirely friendly relationship, most likely these are not only suspicions.
3. A couple who have lived together for a long time and have children. Usually these are people aged 33-35 years. Having separated and received a divorce, they can maintain a trusting relationship, especially against the backdrop of communication with children. Rumors that their relationship is dangerous are often exaggerated.

Other reasons

A list of other reasons for jealousy is given by practicing psychologists:

• diffidence;
• nervous disorder, obsessive thoughts;
• critical age - usually associated with self-identification at 20-22 years old, 37-40 years old;
• jealousy as a defense to hide one's infidelity;
• trauma, previous experience;
• direct provocation of a partner.

The adequacy of each reason should be decided with a psychologist.