When betrayal happens, the world falls apart. Why? For what? Something went wrong? And what to do next - break off the relationship or try to mend it? Psychologist with 35 years of experience, Janice Spring, wrote the book “Betrayal,” where she tells how to survive the crisis after betrayal, sort out your feelings and decide whether to save the relationship.
We chose an excerpt from the book about how men and women react differently to betrayal.
Gender differences and reactions to infidelity
As a rule, men and women evaluate their partner’s betrayal differently, which, in turn, gives different emotional overtones to their reactions.
It's important not to generalize too much—what's true for some people isn't true for others, but there is evidence that most people's responses are at least partially consistent with typical behavior for their gender. Understanding these biological and cultural programs, while variable and imprecise, should shed some light on your response to infidelity so that you may not feel so alone or abnormal. This will help your partner understand your feelings better. In general, women are determined to restore and maintain relationships; men - finish and look for a new partner. Women are more likely to become depressed and blame themselves; men are more likely to get angry and attack others, including in the imagination. Women are more likely to attribute infidelity to their overall unworthiness; men - their sexual inadequacy. Women tend to exaggerate the significance of infidelity and spend more time healing; men are able to separate themselves from the pain and move on.
Ignore: what to do?
Responding to “therapy” with silence is a difficult issue.
If this method of punishment does not apply to a permanent pattern of behavior, then the person can try some options. First of all, you need to identify the situation and talk about your feelings. This can lay the foundation for more effective collaboration. A person will let the other person know how he feels by talking about his “I” more often. This type of statement focuses on the speaker's emotions and beliefs, which helps to get the point across more clearly. To understand a partner who has resorted to silence, you just need to ask him. You should not take a defensive position - you need to completely immerse yourself in the problem and pay attention to it. You should not blame yourself if you really were not the culprit of the quarrel, but it is better to ask for forgiveness for offensive words. In a situation where one becomes silent, emotions play a huge role. Therefore, you should first calm down, take a time out, try not to aggravate the situation, and then start solving the problem. Otherwise, the conflict can only intensify or provoke a new one.
All this will only work if such punishment is not systematic. However, if this has become the norm in relationships, then they have clearly become abusive and toxic, which over time can develop into violent ones.
Of course, for couples who are not ready to solve the problem on their own, it is sometimes better to seek professional advice. Specialists will help the couple express their feelings so that they can finally begin to resolve conflicts without unnecessary burden. Using silent punishment or therapy is a completely unproductive method of communication that some partners use. This can be a form of self-defense, but in other cases it only indicates emotional abuse.
Difference #1: Women try to save relationships; the men turn around and leave
Women: “Perhaps we can overcome this.” Men: “Don’t even think about coming back.”
If the injured partner is a woman, she is likely to try to save the relationship, in part because she has been culturally taught to please others and not pay attention to her own needs.
A man tends to tear away his losses and look for a replacement - someone who will give him the love and attention that he believes he deserves. Women tend to suppress themselves or hide from their feelings when they are emotionally abused. Under pressure to “maintain at least the appearance of harmony in the family,” they often drown out the true self and the inner voice that screams: “I need something more.”
Society conveys to us that a woman’s task—and the measure of her self-esteem—is to maintain connections with others. One excellent study asked eight-year-old girls how they felt when boys bullied them. The girls were aware of their anger and expressed it openly; but already at the age of about twelve years old the same girls answered the same question: “I don’t know.” This study clearly shows that many women, as they get older, stop trusting their feelings when they are treated badly. If you, as a woman, can't admit the extent to which your partner's infidelity has hurt you, if you stop speaking directly and confidently about your negative feelings in order to stay together, if you're afraid of blowing the whistle, then you've been done well. .
Another reason why women tend to stay in broken relationships is because they believe in the daunting alternative of being alone. After the publication of the famous 1986 study of marriage by Harvard and Yale scientists Bennett, Bloom and Craig, women panicked over the identified shortage of bachelors. Although Susan Faludi pointed out the skewed data in 1991, the study was still a near death knell for spinsters, as women believed that after the age of forty their chances of getting married were close to zero.
Financially, women in divorce suffer more than men, partly because they are more concerned with raising young children and partly because ex-spouses are more likely to pay car bills than alimony. Although the gender wage gap is closing, women are still more likely to earn less in similar positions—77 cents on a man's dollar. For these practical reasons alone, many women seek to save their marriage.
Men are more confident that they will find a replacement, and therefore are less inclined to return a partner who has been on a spree. Because men are less likely to define themselves through successful relationships, they often believe that they have little to lose if they leave their partner. Women tend to suppress themselves and stay, men tend to run away. They deal with their trauma by eliminating the source of pain.
“You should focus on your new girlfriend.”
If you know another girl was the reason for your breakup, tell him to focus on her. Some guys manage to date many girls at the same time, but after some time they leave them.
Of course, you shouldn't be treated as a backup option, and he should know that. Even if you don't have a boyfriend right now, it's better to be single than to date someone like him.
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Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.
Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.
According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.
The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.
A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.
What is the benefit of silence to the one who initiated it?
A person who manipulates silence wants to gain control over their partner. When the victim of passive aggression gets tired of being ignored and wants to get rid of the feeling of rejection and lack of love, she will agree to the conditions presented. The habitual “Love must be earned” setting, which is familiar to many, will be activated.
Having a working tool of manipulation at hand, a silent person will be able to remake his partner to suit himself, force him to act against his principles. In the short term this may have an effect. But any changes obtained this way will not last long. The partner will sooner or later stop responding to manipulation or completely break off the connection.
Why are children afraid to answer in class?
The situation itself, when a child is called to the board, is quite nervous and tense. The student finds himself under the close attention of not only the teacher, but also his classmates. Moreover, he still needs to demonstrate his knowledge, tell a learned topic or solve a problem.
For some children, being called to the board causes slight excitement and anxiety, while others seem to fall into a stupor: they remain silent or mutter something to themselves, some may even cry.
Why is this happening? There may be several reasons:
Fear of failure
The child is afraid that his answer will be wrong or that the teacher will ask him a too difficult question.
Often such fears are associated with the excessive demands of parents who only want excellent academic performance from their child.
Fear of a specific teacher
As a rule, children are afraid of authoritarian, rude and sharp-tongued teachers who strictly enforce discipline and are not averse to expressing their opinion about the child in the presence of his classmates.
Personal characteristics of the child: increased anxiety, timidity, timidity, shyness
Such children are afraid of any public speaking, take a long time to get used to a new environment and have a hard time experiencing any failure.
Insufficient knowledge of the subject
The student knows that he is “floating” in the subject, and if he is called to the board, he will not be able to answer well. This is where fear and the desire to “merge with the desk” arise when the teacher opens the magazine.
Speech impairments (stuttering, burr, lisp, etc.)
Any verbal response causes discomfort to such a child. He is embarrassed by his speech and tries to speak as little as possible.
Fear of ridicule and ridicule from classmates
A child can be a victim of bullying, and any time he comes to the board becomes a “holiday” for the bullies.
As we can see, fear of answering in class can be caused by a variety of reasons. And if parents do not intervene in the situation and help the child, this may have negative consequences for him.
- The child will live in a state of chronic stress, worrying every day that he may be called on in this or that lesson.
- The fear of answering at the board gradually extends into adulthood, preventing your son or daughter from expressing their opinion at work, making a report or making a presentation. In this case, they say that the person has a fear of public speaking.
