For pregnant women, the fear of giving birth is absolutely normal. Every expectant mother experiences many mixed feelings and does not know how to cope with them. But, it would seem, the second birth should no longer be scary, because we are usually afraid of what we don’t know. It turns out that the words “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child” can also be heard quite often. And, of course, there are reasons for this. From this article we will learn why there may be fear of a second birth and how to cope with it.
The Joy of Motherhood
Those who have already given birth once know that children are the truest happiness. Holding your baby in your arms for the first time and hugging him is the best reward after 9 difficult months of pregnancy. Why then the words “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child!” have to hear and read so often? Every girl or woman has fears about childbirth, and this is absolutely normal.
The main task is to identify them in time and deal with them. Most women are afraid of the problems associated with the upcoming pregnancy and childbirth. But is this fear justified? Perhaps we should look at the problem from a different angle?
Types of fear
Thus, the words “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child” usually hide psychological and physical blocks. There can be a completely different number of them, and they are caused by a wide variety of factors.
Thus, psychological types of fear include:
- fear of being a single mother with two children in her arms;
- fear of sleepless nights and life restrictions;
- the mother is afraid that she will not be able to provide for her children;
- fear of becoming unattractive (stretch marks, excess weight).
Such psychological blocks can occur during the first, second, and subsequent pregnancies. But most often you can hear the phrase “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child.” This is due to the fact that the mother already has experience. She knows how difficult (psychologically and physically) pregnancy and childbirth are. In addition, she remembers well the first year after the birth of the baby. This is a difficult time when she was sleep deprived, malnourished and generally experiencing postpartum depression. All these memories, of course, can provoke fear of a second birth.
Physical types include fears and worries about your health and that of your baby. Such blocks can especially occur if there were complications during the first birth. And, of course, the mother assumes that if the first birth was difficult, the same may happen the second time. Physical types of fear include various pathologies and disorders in the first newborn. And in general, this is quite natural, since some diseases are hereditary.
A striking example is Hirschsprung's disease. This is a congenital pathology of the development of nerve endings that are responsible for the innervation of the large intestine. This is a hereditary disease that is usually transmitted through the male line. And if, for example, a married couple’s first child was born with this pathology, then there is a high probability that the second child will also be diagnosed with this disease.
Psychological anxieties
Psychologists call fears that arise against the background of emotional experiences about a second pregnancy typical. Most of them, in fact, are unreasonable, but they are the ones that take possession of a woman and do not give her the opportunity to look at the addition to the family from the good side.
The main psychological causes of fears:
- sharing love between children;
- elder jealousy;
- unrealized plans;
- fear of not being able to withstand the load;
- complex organization of everyday life;
- husband's alienation.
Sharing love. This is the most common reason for unpreparedness for a second pregnancy and childbirth. A whole tragedy arises in the head at the thought that a woman will feel more love for an older child than for a younger one.
The relationship of the firstborn to the baby. Another typical experience. Mothers are afraid that the firstborn will be jealous of the newborn and will feel deprived and lonely.
Unrealized ambitions, dreams. The reluctance of a woman who has recently returned from maternity leave and has just taken steps up the career ladder to have a second one is justified. Most of all, in this case, an accidental pregnancy that does not fit into the plans for the coming years unsettles.
Lack of time for yourself. It is not empty to worry that it is easy to cope with two children and still remain a good mother, wife, and housewife. And the more difficult the adaptation was after the birth of the first child, the more terribly the woman is afraid of the second birth.
Difficulties in everyday life. There is a very real reason why mothers of first-born children are in no hurry to get pregnant again. “Organizing a walk in a panel high-rise building alone with a stroller and a screaming elder” is not a bright prospect. And there are plenty of such stop options.
Husband's distance. A woman is afraid to give birth because with two children it is impossible to find time for a date with her husband or for intimacy. This will affect the relationship and the marriage will crack. If we are talking about conscious parenting, then the question does not arise. Children only indirectly provoke bad relationships between spouses. Postpartum depression, previous disagreements, inflated or unfulfilled expectations from marriage in general become the cause of conflicts in the family in reality.
How to cope
And, of course, women who live with the fear of having a second child would like to know if it is possible to get rid of it and how to do it. Much will depend on the reason why the block arose. But in any case, it is possible and necessary to get rid of fear. And first, write down for yourself on a piece of paper all the advantages of your first pregnancy and childbirth. Look at your already grown-up firstborn and imagine another baby next to him. Isn't this wonderful? But, of course, although such thoughts help the woman calm down a little, the fear of giving birth to a second child still reminds itself from time to time. And each psychological or physical block has its own secrets that will help cope with this problem.
Symptoms
Phobia manifests itself in different ways: some people cope with their fear, others withdraw into themselves. A depressed psychological state can have a bad effect on the general condition of the expectant mother.
A constant state of stress can lead to exacerbations of chronic diseases, such as:
- gastritis;
- asthma;
- gout.
Symptoms of physical depression due to psychological stress:
- pain in the gastrointestinal tract;
- severe migraine;
- pressure surges;
- tachycardia;
- fainting conditions;
- pain in the lumbar region;
- uterine tone;
- insomnia;
- apathy.
Psychological mood is one of the most important aspects of the normal course of pregnancy and childbirth, so you should not neglect your psychological state. A constant state of stress can lead to a nervous breakdown, general deterioration in health, bleeding, and in the worst case, result in miscarriage.
Pathologies in the child and mother
Of course, when the first birth ends not with a happy discharge and joyful moments, but with the mother and newborn being transferred to a hospital, such an event is difficult to forget. And many who have already experienced this are scared to give birth to a second child. “I’m afraid that everything will happen again,” say desperate women. But this can be changed if you understand the situation more deeply. Firstly, no two births are the same, and the fact that there were certain problems during the first does not mean that they will happen again.
In addition, it would be a good idea to visit an obstetrician and find out why this happened. For example, during the first birth a woman had multiple ruptures. She was stitched up, and all this caused her psycho-emotional trauma. But it is important to find out why this happened. So, as a rule, ruptures occur due to infections of the female genital organs (cocci, candidiasis). In addition, they can occur if you push incorrectly or do not listen to the instructions of the obstetrician at the most crucial moment. Instead of being afraid of this situation, it is necessary to realize it and draw conclusions. Perhaps you should more carefully choose the maternity hospital and the doctor who will deliver the baby.
If the fears are related to the child’s illness, then a genetic examination should be performed. Such analysis allows you to identify anomalies and prevent them in advance.
How to prepare
In fact, it is childbirth that girls who decide to have a second pregnancy fear most. “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child because of the pain!” - these words can be heard from many mothers. There is a solution to the problem:
- Positive attitude. Be sure to think only about positive things. Some women in labor claim that giving birth the second time is not as painful. Indeed, the body has already experienced this once, and the second time everything should go much faster and less painfully.
- Body preparation. For some reason, many women are sure that in order to reduce the risks when carrying a child, movement should be limited. But this is a false opinion. Childbirth is a difficult process for which you need to prepare. Training the vaginal muscles, exercises, and walks in the fresh air are very useful for the expectant mother. If there are no contraindications, then vigorous activity during pregnancy will contribute to an easy birth. If you are in excellent physical shape, then the statement “I want a second child, but I’m afraid to give birth!” will no longer have the same meaning.
You can't forbid being beautiful
Such a familiar phrase for a woman who is pregnant for the second time only causes an influx of sadness. You can hear from your mother: “I’m very afraid to give birth to a second child, because I’ll get fat.” In addition, the first year after childbirth is usually quite difficult. Mom doesn’t get enough sleep, doesn’t rest well, and has bruises under her eyes. But this period can also be avoided if you approach the problem correctly. It is advisable to create a schedule for yourself, your older child and your newborn and try to stick to it. You should walk with your children as often as possible, do exercises with them and do not forget to take time for yourself. When the baby goes to bed during the day, the mother should do the same. Then you won't be so tired and will look much better. If you organize your sleep and wakefulness correctly, you can be beautiful and attractive even with a newborn child.
Relationship with your spouse
This is a fairly important reason why many women refuse to become mothers for the second time. The fear of being left alone with two children arises in many mothers. And especially if the relationship with your spouse is not going too smoothly. But is there such a thing as an ideal relationship? Every family has certain problems that can and should be solved, but not remain silent about them. And, of course, the problem should be resolved together with your spouse. Perhaps you should calmly talk and discuss the situation. In addition, if a man really wants a second child, he will support his wife in every possible way and help her cope with her fears.
Endless worries about kids: where to find time for yourself?
Two children is not easy. And indeed, there may be a catastrophic lack of time - to make sure that the elder one prepares his homework for school, to breastfeed the younger one, during the day to take the baby to the clinic and pick up the first-born from the sports section, and in the evening to prepare dinner for everyone. And so on in a circle. It will be a little more difficult for mothers of the same age - they will have to watch everyone with both eyes, not leaving them for a minute. But you shouldn’t worry too much here, because you have experience!
Children are growing up. Do not forget that the older child is no longer such a baby who requires constant supervision and attention. Give him a little more freedom, teach him to be independent. Very soon, the older one will be able to even sit with the younger one for a short while while you cook dinner or take a bath - you have a growing assistant!
Learn to manage your time wisely. Don't try to do everything and be perfect in everything. With two children, it will be unrealistic to do general cleaning, iron piles of laundry and cook restaurant dinners every day. All concerns will have to be divided into important and secondary.
If this fear prevents you from living peacefully during pregnancy, think about hiring a housekeeper or start looking for a nanny now.
Financial difficulties
And they exist in almost every family. Rarely can anyone say that their financial situation is excellent. In any case, another child in the family can have a very good impact on the budget. “I'm afraid to give birth to a second child. What if we can’t provide it?” - These are questions that concern many parents. But in reality, there will definitely be money for the baby. If you have a reliable person next to you, a husband who really wants another child, he will definitely do everything in his power so that his beloved and children are happy and do not need anything.
Time is running
When thinking about a second baby, you should understand that in this case time does not play in the woman’s favor. Every year it becomes more and more difficult to get pregnant, and even more so to carry it to term. If you look at the statistics, you will notice that about 75% of women who are in conservancy are over 35 years old. This is due to the environment, the lifestyle of women in labor, and heredity. Therefore, if you want a second baby, but are afraid, think about the fact that while you are overcome by fears and doubts, time is quickly running out.
General Tips
Any fear described above exists, and under no circumstances should you make fun of it. What to do in such a situation, how to get rid of this strong feeling?
- First of all, the presence of fear must be recognized and accepted; without this, it will not be possible to overcome it, because you need to know the enemy by sight.
- If you can't handle it on your own, ask for help. Who to contact depends on the type of fear. If your fear, for example, is related to a health issue, you need to consult a doctor who can explain whether you are afraid of what you are afraid of or whether the fear is completely groundless. If the fear is not empty, the doctor will tell you how to minimize its risk. Many psychological fears can be overcome by loved ones, especially the father of the unborn child. A loving man can reassure his woman and provide her with support, the main thing is to talk to him so that he knows about your problem. After all, not all men can read between the lines and feel the inner world of another person, so they need to speak directly, avoiding hints. If your husband is interested in having a second/third child, he will reassure and support you. A woman should listen to herself, perhaps she herself knows what she wants to hear from her husband in order to calm down, and if this is so, then you should not play guessing, tell him frankly.
- Isolate yourself from people who bring you nothing but negativity.
Optimal time
Many mothers say: “I want to give birth to a second child, but I’m afraid. Or maybe it’s too early? What should be the optimal age difference between children? This question is difficult to answer. Some mothers, for example, find it convenient to raise children of the same age. For 4-6 years they do not return from maternity leave, giving birth one after another. Others, only after sending their first child to the first grade, think about the second. Psychologists note two periods that are optimal:
- 3-4 years.
- 5-7 years.
In the first case, the difference is not so big, but in 3 years the mother fully recovers and is ready for a second pregnancy and childbirth.
In the second case, the first child is already old enough to help with housework and babysit a sister or brother. Although, on the other hand, in this case the children will not be as friendly as in the first one. So, the greater the age difference between them, the less likely it is that the first and second child will be true friends.
Goodbye career!
“I haven’t been able to find a normal job for six months now, five years on maternity leave are taking their toll,” a friend complains to me.
After such words, you involuntarily understand that a second maternity leave can put an end to your career.
Is there a way out?
- Just accept that you will devote yourself to your children.
- Find a nanny for two children at once.
- Open your own business, change your profession, work remotely.
Agree, even the first year and a half on maternity leave can hinder your career growth. At first, you will have to “get into” work for a long time, your young kindergartener will often get sick, and you will also have to refuse business trips. And the second decree will not change this situation much, so you should not be afraid of it.
Preparing the firstborn for the arrival of the second baby
Ready for a second child
Many girls are scared to give birth to a second child. Afraid of not being able to cope, they wonder if there is any way to test their readiness for a second child. There are also two factors for this in psychology:
- Physical – mother’s health.
- Psychological – readiness for pregnancy and childbirth on a subconscious level.
And in order to determine psychological readiness, you should ask yourself the following questions:
- Do I enjoy raising children?
- Do I want the house to be noisy and fun?
If you answer these questions positively, then you are ready for a second child, and the fears that overcome you can be dispelled fairly quickly.
To summarize, we can say that the question: “I’m afraid to give birth to a second child. What to do?" quite popular these days. Many women spend years thinking about what to do and cannot find a solution. In any case, you must take it. Don't let other people force their opinions on you. If you feel that you are neither physically nor mentally prepared for a second pregnancy and childbirth, you should openly tell your spouse about this. The decision to add to the family must be mutual, otherwise only one person will be happy, while others will suffer.
Deciding on a second child is not difficult if you note for yourself all the pros and cons of this event and turn to your family and friends for support. Sometimes it can be helpful to talk to parents who already have several children. Find out how they organize their day, how they manage with babies, and then you will definitely understand whether they are ready for a newborn or not.
Rescue of drowning people is the work of the drowning people themselves
Image copyright Thinkstock Image caption Keep a diary, record changes in mood, try to understand what caused them Doctors warn that postpartum depression is a disease, and it will not be possible to cure it through willpower alone. On the other hand, you should not rely solely on specialists and the achievements of the pharmaceutical industry. There are several generally accepted methods that can help women cope with depression. Expert advice may seem a little strange and obvious, but the British charity Mind, which helps people with mental illness, emphasizes that depressed patients often forget the obvious. What advice do they give?
- Don’t forget about personal hygiene, take a shower more often and don’t walk around the house half-naked, even if you’re not going anywhere and aren’t expecting guests.
- Keep a diary in which you record changes in mood, this way you can more accurately notice what events, affairs or conversations are ruining your life
- Lower your demands on yourself: if you didn’t have time to do something that you had planned, then okay! And sometimes treat yourself like you would treat your best friend.
- And be sure to contact an organization that provides support to women with a similar condition. They know what to do!
