Below is the Victim. She herself feels her humiliated position and communicates from the position: “I’m not okay - you’re okay.” The victim devalues his abilities.
“Sometimes she herself looks for the Persecutor so that he can humiliate her and put her in her place. At the same time, the Victim gets the opportunity to confirm his script belief: “There’s something wrong with me. Other people don't like me." Often the Victim looks for a Rescuer who will help her and confirm the script belief: “I cannot solve problems on my own.” The triangle must be drawn as isosceles,” says psychologist Lyudmila Sjöholm.
The essence of the Karpman triangle in psychology
Eric Berne told us about the many games that people play unconsciously. And Stephen Karpman developed on this basis the psychological model of the Triangle of Fate. Now it is called the “Karpman Triangle”.
Characters of the game:
- A victim is a suffering person, dissatisfied with his position, circumstances, those around him and the whole world.
- A tyrant or persecutor is one who attacks a victim. Criticizes, aggressively teaches life. He always knows who should do what and how to live.
- The rescuer actively saves the victim even though no one asked. He tries in every possible way to help with his advice or actions.
Game conditions:
- The victim does not want to solve his problems, he wants to suffer. She doesn't need any responsibility.
- The rescuer helps for his own moral benefit, a sense of superiority.
- The tyrant enjoys the fact that he can openly point out the shortcomings of others and sees this as his mission.
- The roles in the game are constantly changing. One participant can alternately be a victim, a tyrant, and a rescuer.
For example: a mother constantly does homework for her child - she is a lifesaver. Then she complains to everyone how tired she is of being a victim. Attacks a child for bad grades with the words “You yourself can’t do anything without me!” - tyrant.
The meaning of the “game”: Secret manipulation in order to realize one’s hidden benefits. Often the manipulator is not aware of his benefits, but acts out of habit, out of emotion. It's like a consequence, not a cause.
Reason: This is an old behavior strategy inherited from the outside world and role from parents. A person, without understanding why, creates a toxic space around himself, poisoning his life and others.
It can accommodate 2-3 people. and entire groups of people. But there will still be 3 roles. That’s why the participants have to change.
Rules for leaving the game:
- Only you are responsible for your life and what happens in it.
- Everyone has their own life. Everyone has the right to their opinion and their life.
- Take care of your life, your self-realization.
Following simple rules, all triangles will remain to the side.
Roles in the Karpman triangle and how to get out of them?
Victim
How can you characterize a Victim?
- Reluctance to take responsibility: everything that happens is either a coincidence of unpleasant circumstances or the fault of others. It’s as if life is separate, I am separate.
- The victim feels a lot of guilt and fear and is often offended.
- In behavior, he unconsciously chooses situations where he will be a victim, or perceives any information through the prism of “I’m bad, it’s all my fault,” which supports victimhood in his own mind. A person who is afraid non-verbally broadcasts his fear, attracting it into his life. Gets sick often.
What is important to know?
- The Victim has a lot of suppressed aggression, which gets its way out passively, through aggression from the outside. That is, a person does not directly defend his interests, but manipulatively—provokes others to the necessary feelings or actions.
- It is very important for the Victim to be “good”, “correct”, so the situation when “Well, I’m good both at work and with children, and she (he) ...” is just about the Victim.
How is it formed?
Victim behavior is formed in early childhood, from upbringing. When a child is blamed for something he is not in control of, or for who he is, what he wants. When the very essence of a child is rejected, he becomes an instrument of someone else's happiness. At the same time, a dangerous thought takes root very deeply: “I am bad, I don’t deserve happiness, only punishment.” As a result, the Victim is a comfort zone.
How to get out?
- Stop complaining about life. Think about what you personally can do, say, how to start thinking if this situation does not suit you.
- Remember, no one should solve your problems. They can help if you ask. And if they have the opportunity. You don’t have to depend on their mood and don’t wait for salvation.
- Everything you do, who you live with, where you work is your choice. And you have the right to make a different choice if this one does not suit you. It may not be easy, but that's life.
- Stop feeling guilty if you feel like you don't live up to someone else's expectations.
- Don't beat yourself up about it.
Rescuer
Characteristic:
- Serves as a judge.
- He puts himself above the victim and the “maniac.”
- Angry at the stalker.
- Feels sorry for the victim.
- Self-affirms at the expense of salvation.
- Native feelings: vanity, pride.
Why do people take the path of “rescue”. The reasons may be different:
- Often, people who fail to realize their potential become Saviors.
- Often mothers become the Savior in their relationship with their children; they surround them with excessive care even when they have grown up. This behavior does not indicate great love, but a desire to control the child’s life and the desire to manage him.
- Often people who did not receive enough love in childhood become Saviors. They are used to their interests and desires being less important. Therefore, adults strive to save, while secretly hoping to get a return.
How to get out?
- Allow people to live their lives, have their own experiences.
- No one has to live by your rules. A person has the right to live his own rules and his own life, even if you don’t like it. If you are not comfortable with this, do not communicate with these people.
- Try to resolve conflicts without aggression.
Pursuer
A brief description of:
- Life is constant problems.
- He carries everything on himself.
- Tired, zero energy.
- Native feelings: anger, fear, tension.
- Controls and criticizes loved ones.
What does the stalker do?
- Such a person has a deep sense of injustice.
- Often this is a cruel person who wants to teach his victim a lesson, to put pressure on her so that she gives in and accepts his conditions.
- Looks at other people as an enemy and a source of problems.
- He cannot forget past problems and predicts new ones in the future.
- He controls, criticizes and gets very tired of it.
- His energy quickly drops to 0.
- He is characterized by the desire to rule, dominate, and literally attack people.
In fact, such people experience a deep sense of injustice and helplessness, which they try to suppress by persecuting others. They do not take responsibility for causing pain to others, believing that such an attitude will be beneficial. Sermons, threats, intimidation, blackmail, moralizing are the usual actions of the persecutor.
The easiest way to recognize this “role” is to get out of it. It has an obvious destructive nature for all people. It is very difficult to stay in it for a long time. If the manipulation was not successful, it was not possible to suppress the victim, then the Persecutor himself will want to hide in the role of the Victim.
How to get out?
- Do not get involved in a situation until you are asked for help or specific advice.
- Observe how much the person himself is involved in solving his problem or whether he is manipulating you in order to relieve himself of responsibility and shift it to you.
- Try to understand that you are not the only one who knows how to live and act correctly.
- Try not to give false hope, namely something that you cannot fulfill.
Simple examples
Codependent people can live through the same scenario many times over the years of their lives. Let's look at examples.
1. An abstract man-parasite lives for himself. He is always in a free search, does not like to tear his butt off the sofa and overload his loved one with physical labor. He is a classic Victim .
He was not born into a rich family, all positions are based on connections and in general life is unfair to him.
He has a wife - the Persecutor , who nags him every day so that he begins to show at least some masculine qualities.
And there is also a mother who gives him her pension so that her son does not need anything. She is in the role of the Savior .
And this triangle of drama can last for decades. It’s just that from time to time the mother and wife will change roles
When the mother-in-law gets tired of her daughter-in-law's reproaches (and fair ones), she also becomes a Persecutor .
The wife may well get used to the role of the Rescuer , because whatever one may say, this is their family, and here is the mother with her lectures and principles.
2. Parents have different views on raising a child. A strict mother tries not to spoil her child, raises her according to strict rules and does not leave misdeeds unpunished. She is the Persecutor .
Dad, on the contrary, feels sorry for his baby. He pampers him with sweets, allows him to play video games until midnight, and easily forgives his misdeeds.
In this case, the child is destined for the role of Victim . Due to his age and changeable upbringing, he does not want to take responsibility, so he will pit his parents against each other.
In the end, he will win, and mom and dad will quarrel because they cannot come to a compromise.
Such a child will grow up lazy, helpless and with numerous complexes
The situation can change dramatically if an outsider is added to the triangle. For example, grandmother. She is always happy to spoil her grandson, this is a new Rescuer .
Then mom and dad unite, they will become Persecutors , because grandma is destroying their education system (albeit imperfect).
3. Another scenario: Masha quarreled with a guy. She came to her friend Nastya for advice. It’s clear that Masha is the Victim , the man is the Persecutor .
After the bottle of wine, Nastya gives advice: “Let’s send him away. We’ll find you a dozen others tomorrow.”
Masha does so, and then suffers from loneliness, blaming the Rescuer Nastya for all her troubles. And then Nastya becomes a Victim , because Masha the Persecutor will try to quarrel with everyone she knows.
4. And let's look at another version of the triangle. Just not in his personal life, but at work: his main sides are his subordinate, boss and colleague.
Let's assume that a subordinate has been assigned a super-important task: to fill out 10 contracts. Either the boss mixed up something, or the subordinate messed up, but there are only 8 completed documents.
The boss immediately takes the aggressive position of the Persecutor : “Don’t you know how to count? Yes, the investors will arrive in an hour. I'll fire you"
Subordinate - The victim does not know how to stand up for himself. It is easier for him to accept punishment (sometimes even undeserved), but to relieve himself of responsibility.
And here a kind-hearted Rescue and says: “Don’t worry, I’ll help you. Let me fill one out.” Well, the Victim is happy to put some of the responsibilities on someone else’s shoulders.
Roles may change. Let’s say that suddenly the Victim remembers that the post office has preserved a letter from the boss in which he asked to fill out exactly 8 ill-fated documents!
Now she moves into the position of the Persecutor : how is it that she was unfairly offended? Well, the boss, unwittingly finding himself in the role of Victim , will simply be forced to make concessions (give a bonus, raise the salary, and so on).
Analyze these situations. Maybe there are Rescuers in your circle, after whose help no stone remains unturned from your previous life?
Or maybe you have been playing the role of Victim or Persecutor for more than one year, but you yourself don’t notice it?
How to get out of the Karpman triangle?
- Study yourself.
- Learn to distinguish between your feelings - they will be the indicator that you are getting involved in the game.
- Understand which of the roles (Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer) is most typical for you, and how you implement it.
- Explore your weaknesses and strengths.
- Work with self-esteem - all three heroes have low self-esteem and disguise it in different ways.
- Work with resources – internal and external.
- Explore what can pull you into a familiar role: for example, the Rescuer “turns on” to an indirect request for help, the Persecutor - to injustice, the Victim - as soon as the need to make a decision looms on the horizon.
The stronger the level of codependency, the longer and more difficult it is to get out of it. And in most cases, instead of getting out, you can only learn to live with it. Happily. Gradually a person begins to notice that he has “grown up”. This means that he meets more conscious partners. He sees the games that others are playing. And, looking back at his past, he realizes that he won’t step foot into the triangle anymore.
After all, the Karpman triangle is about manipulation. And manipulations eliminate the chances of intimacy and the right to be yourself.
Story
The famous American psychotherapist Stephen Karpman, developing the ideas of his teacher Eric Berne (psychiatrist, developer of transactional analysis - editor's note), showed that the whole variety of roles underlying the “games that people play” can be reduced to three main ones : Rescuer, Persecutor (aka Tyrant, Controller, Executioner) and Victim. The concept of Karpman's triangle is based on their interaction. Codependent relationships between participants are built on the fact that they realize themselves at the expense of each other, manipulate and ruin the lives of themselves and those around them.
Expert: about the Karpman triangle and how to get out of it
Marina Gogueva is a candidate of psychological sciences, a psychologist of the highest category, a certified specialist in prenatal, child and family psychotherapy. Practicing since 2007. Works with children, adults, couples, including on issues of infertility and miscarriage.
In the video, Marina talks about the Karpman triangle and how to get out of the state of victim, rescuer, and persecutor.
Signs of a codependent relationship. Simple test
Ask yourself a few questions and give an honest yes or no answer.
- Have you ever had to do something for a person if he didn't ask for help? Just because you had experience in a similar situation?
- Do you often hide your feelings (especially negative ones - pain, aggression, despair, resentment)?
- Are you ready to sacrifice your own interests and needs for the sake of a relationship?
- Have you ever had thoughts in your head that the current situation is “your cross” or “your burden”?
- Are circumstances or other people often to blame for your troubles?
- Do you think that others are much luckier in life than you?
- Do you often turn to friends, family, and acquaintances for advice?
- Do excuses appear in your speech: “well, not everything is so bad,” “others have it worse,” “but he doesn’t drink,” etc.?
- Do you think that you can change your partner, make him better?
- Were you instilled in childhood with the moral that the weak need to be protected?
- Do you have no control over yourself during a quarrel? Can you yell or hit your partner?
- Would you say that the vast majority of decisions are made by either you or your partner?
- Do you find it difficult to bear loneliness?
- Do you often feel jealous, fear of loss, or rejected if a man spends time with friends?
- Are you ready to change your manners, appearance, habits, just to continue to please your partner?
- Do you like to be in control?
- If your colleague or friend is systematically late, will you cover for him, even if he didn't ask for it?
- Do you tend to easily forgive people's misdeeds?
If you answered more than three yeses, you are definitely in the Karpman Triangle.
And you probably already understand what role you play. And if the current situation does not suit you, it’s time to move on to solving the problem.
Life story: triangle in the family
Elena Mitskevich – psychologist.
The Karpman Triangle played out in my family. Due to certain circumstances, I had to remember the basic theory. What kind of triangle is this? This is stereotypical behavior, where the parties take one of three roles and express themselves in a certain way. After literally a couple of minutes, and sometimes even seconds, roles can change. But in any case, we are talking about manipulation - this is what these games are built on.
Yes, I myself was in the Karpman Triangle. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Moreover, I am proud of myself! Because I was able to get out of it. And this was difficult (so that you understand in my family, and here we are talking not only about the parents, the sacrificial-tyrant-savior model has been the norm for several generations; and for some relatives, it continues to be so).
In the parental home, the roles were distributed as follows: dad was the Tyrant, mom was the Victim, and I was the Rescuer. I know very well how the Triangle works from the inside. I am well aware of the feelings and motives of the Rescuer.
It seems that only you can calm down the tyrant’s aggression. And the phrase from my mother: “Lena, dad understands and hears you better than me” for a long time automatically triggered this role in me. Well, how can I not help if parental well-being depends on me? Who else will support and help mom? They can't do it without me! They will argue as usual. And I’m like a buffer, but I can help.
I'm a good girl. Mom and I are close. I adore dad. Well, how can I not help them? The feeling of pity and guilt, suffering from the general regime and the belief that I could fix it overwhelmed me.
Yes, this is a common story when adults cannot build mature contact with each other, involving a child in their relationship. Need I say that I was unable to save anyone or anything? This was basically outside my jurisdiction. But hyper-responsibility plus the role of an older sister prevented me from leaving the position of a superhero for a long time.
True, the superhero himself felt bad inside. Unconscious sensations that:
- This not normal,
- I do not like it,
- I don’t want to participate in this
didn't leave me.
At some point I got tired and realized: I can’t do this anymore. If they like to live like that, ok. But I won't get involved in this anymore. The exit was long. And started the stage of emotional separation from parents. And it lasted almost 3 years
And praise be to psychotherapy, that now I personally feel the meaning of the phrase: help is finite, but salvation is endless. And I choose not to save anyone anymore.
