What to do if a teenager steals: 8 effective steps

There are several ways a teenager can try if they start stealing: taking money from their parents' bag, stealing something from a store, or bringing home some school things. Depending on how big the theft is, he could be in trouble with the law. However, even if the theft is minor, the teenager who steals is guaranteed to face feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment. His parents experience the same thing when the situation ceases to be a secret. Here are steps you can take to stop your teen from stealing again and from ending up in a bad situation.

Explain the consequences of stealing

So, you notice that your teenager is taking money from your wallet, or you found something stolen from a store in his backpack. If this is the first time this has happened and your teen has not committed a crime before, the first thing you should do is sit down and discuss how important it is to respect other people's property and that breaking the law can land you in jail. You should not downplay the seriousness of the situation or assume that theft is quite normal if no one noticed you. Speak clearly and clearly when explaining the situation, say that the consequences can change a person's entire life. Use specific definitions - theft and theft. Remind that the teenager could end up in prison for several years, depending on the severity of the offense. Remember that the situation is truly critical, so under no circumstances should it be ignored.

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Theft of teenagers, methodological development on psychology on the topic

REGIONAL STATE BUDGETARY INSTITUTION OF ADDITIONAL EDUCATION "

Preventing teenage theft for parents

(Methodological material for parents)

Birobidzhan

2018

Theft is the appropriation or consumption of material or spiritual values ​​that do not belong to a person without prior permission or notification of the owner of these values.

Teenage theft is truly one of the most serious problems faced by both parents and teachers. Cases of teenage theft are not that rare. Almost every child has taken something that belongs to someone else at least once in their life. The reaction of adults plays a big role in solving this problem, because the position they take largely determines whether a similar situation will happen again.

Factors in teenage theft

1. hereditary (biological) - congenital disorders of the child’s psyche and intellect, which do not allow him to realize and implement in his behavior moral norms and values, ideas about his own and other people’s property;

2. environmental:

- negative example of parents, peers;

- social conditions that encourage a teenager to steal (difficult financial situation of the family, excessively busy parents);

- alcohol and drug use in the family;

— parents’ affirmation, verbally and through their behavior, of antisocial patterns of behavior;

- loss of the positive influence of the family and the teenager’s rapprochement with a negative peer group;

- an indifferent or conniving reaction of the immediate social environment to the facts of teenage theft.

3. pedagogical:

- unproductive parenting strategies in the family and school (lack of attention and love for the teenager on the part of the parents);

— violation of maternal or paternal attachment, ignoring the adolescent’s needs for emotional contact;

- difficulties in communicating with parents; humiliation of a teenager, ignoring the primary manifestations of violations of moral standards; inadequate demands on a teenager from teachers or parents;

- misunderstanding of the communicative “messages” contained in the behavior of a teenager.

The listed factors (reasons), under appropriate favorable conditions, trigger the following mechanism for the emergence of a teenager’s tendency to steal:

• distortion in the teenager’s value system,
• inadequate ideas
• the primary manifestation of inappropriate behavior patterns,
• consolidation of inappropriate behavior patterns, formation of the habit of theft,
• illegal actions.

Psychological portrait of a “thief”

Recent studies by psychologists have shown that all children who steal are characterized by certain personal characteristics; in addition, the relationships and the environment that prevail in their families and in their immediate environment are also similar.

In most cases, it turns out that theft is a child’s reaction to traumatic life circumstances.

Often in families of children who steal, there is emotional coldness, alienation, and even hostility between parents and relatives. A child from such a family either feels that he is not loved, or in early childhood experienced some kind of psychological trauma associated with the relationships of close relatives.

If you try to create a psychological portrait of a child who steals, you can note that his characteristic features are goodwill, openness, but at the same time the inability to establish relationships with others. Often these children give the impression of being dependent and childish. As a rule, they are insecure, vulnerable, and need support and emotional acceptance from loved ones. Thieves are also often characterized by insufficient development of will.

Causes of teenage theft and ways to overcome it

Typically, researchers of this problem identify three main, global causes of teenage theft:

• A strong desire to own the thing you like, despite the voice of conscience.
• Serious psychological dissatisfaction of a teenager.
• Lack of development of moral ideas and will.

But in real life, the range of reasons for teenage theft is much wider. Let's look at some of them.

1. A teenager can imitate adults and copy their behavior. This, of course, does not literally mean that parents steal themselves or teach their children to do it. Often, parents simply do not think about the consequences of their words and actions. Perhaps the parents at home discuss other people who receive their livelihood through dishonest means, at the same time showing their envy or saying that such people should be followed as an example. And if something similar happens more than once, then what can be demanded from the child? So it turns out that the parents themselves taught the child to steal.
2. A careless attitude towards money in the family can also push a teenager to steal. In a wealthy family, usually none of the adults really count money; it is always available. A teenager always has pocket money. But it happens that the money has run out, and for some reason it is impossible to ask your parents for it at the moment (they are not at home or have a quarrel). The teenager justifies himself by saying that his parents would have given him anyway, so why ask.
3. One of the possible reasons is trouble in the family sphere, lack of parental love, or a desire to attract attention. If parents are too focused on their own affairs, or there is trouble in the marital relationship, or a new baby has been born in the family, the child may feel lonely and abandoned, he may feel that his parents pay less attention to him, or even that he is not loved, or that they are unfair to him. And then he can take money or some other thing from his mother’s bag, but always in such a way that the loss is easily detected. The child doesn’t really need the money itself. Theft, in this case, is a means to attract the attention of parents, a cry for help. Thus, through theft, children unconsciously try to restore the lost connection with their parents. Having committed theft, a teenager attracts attention, albeit negative: when he is punished, it is still better than when he is not noticed at all. Sometimes a teenager manages to improve, albeit temporarily, the relationship between his parents: usually the parents rally to solve a common problem. For those children who seek the attention of their parents through theft, noisy scandals and severe punishments only convince them of the correctness of their chosen strategy. In such cases, it is recommended to ignore the fact of theft or treat it as an ordinary event. Parents need to communicate more with their teenager, be sure to approve of his actions, and praise him for any, even minor, reason. It is necessary to develop a sense of self-worth, recognition, acceptance in the family and understanding, to make it clear that it is better to do actions approved by parents and society than negative ones.
4. The reason for committing theft may be the stinginess of the parents or the teenager’s protest against the authoritarianism of the parents. Those parents who claim that their child “has everything” are wrong. In fact, there are many little things that a child needs for immediate happiness that parents cannot or do not want to provide. It is important that the child’s persistent desire is at least partially satisfied, and does not cause severe stress or anxiety. The situation gets worse if the child’s question “Can I..?” adults, without explaining the reasons, answer “No!”. The child immediately begins to independently search for the answer to the question: “Why not?” And he may well decide that his parents can give him money, but don’t want to. Therefore, it is important that the teenager knows why sometimes he cannot get what he really wants. Or another option. A child wants to give a gift to someone close to him and asks his parents to give him pocket money, without explaining what he will spend it on. But the parents refuse: “You don’t need pocket money, we’ll buy you everything you need ourselves!” The child, in turn, decides: “They don’t understand how much I need this! They never understand me. You’ll have to look for a way out, an opportunity yourself.” Parents themselves, without noticing it, slow down the child’s growth, depriving him of independence. This is due to misunderstandings in the family, an incorrectly chosen and applied style of raising a child, and, most importantly, a lack of trust between the child and parents.
5. A teenager may be driven to steal by the desire to take revenge on someone. The reasons can be very different. It may also be a desire to cause trouble to loved ones for refusing to fulfill any of his requests. Sometimes the fact of theft is explained by a teenager as a desire to restore justice.
6. Stealing can be a way of self-affirmation, which is evidence of a teenager’s psychological distress among his peers: in this way he wants to attract attention to himself and win someone’s favor. For example, a teenager who stole money from home and bought candy with it gives it to other children in order to buy their love, friendship, and good attitude. The teenager increases his own importance or tries to attract the attention of others in the only possible way, in his opinion. In adolescence, “theft of prestige” and theft “for a bet” may occur due to the desire to establish themselves in the group. The reason here is low self-esteem and lack of communication skills.
7. Another serious reason for theft may be extortion by older children. In this case, parents must protect their child by stopping any attempts at intimidation or blackmail. It is important to explain to the child that in such cases he can turn to his parents and teachers for help.

Other factors provoking theft:

Inability to control your emotions and impulses. These are quite rare cases. This manifestation mainly affects adolescents who are lagging behind in mental or intellectual development. If it is quite difficult for a child to control himself, then it is necessary to consult a specialist doctor.

Kleptomania. Kleptomania is a mental illness in which the patient is driven by only one desire - to steal, no matter what, and no matter where. Steal even something completely unnecessary to him. This deviation is considered a very rare species, both among adults and children. React immediately if you suddenly realize that your child has stolen something. Even if it is unintentional, one cannot remain silent. Teaching children to take responsibility for any of their actions and deeds is the main task of parents.

Bad Education. For such a teenager, nothing is impossible. He lives in his own boundless world, in complete indifference to loved ones, and does whatever he wants. He steals money because he needs it. For such a child, everything is extremely simple, but this is only in his understanding. He doesn’t love anyone, his parents are not an authority or significant people for him.

The most common mistakes in education that provoke teenage theft

The main mistakes in education that contribute to teenage theft include the following:

• lack of consistency in upbringing: in one situation the child is punished, and in another they “turn a blind eye” to the offense, or they threaten to punish, but do not punish;
• inconsistency of adult demands: dad allows, but mom forbids;
• “double standards”: the parents’ actions are at odds with the case. For example, parents instill in their child that “you can’t take someone else’s,” but they themselves bring home from work something that “doesn’t fit well.” The child, sincerely believing in the authority and infallibility of his parents, follows their example and for a long time cannot understand why he is scolded if he acts like mom and dad;
• situation of permissiveness: raising a child in the “family idol” style: the child grows up with the thought “I am the best”, he does not learn to take into account the opinions of other people, he is guided only by his own desires and interests. Such children, when they get into a group, continue to behave the same way as in the family, sincerely not understanding why they cannot take what they want;

• total control over the child’s behavior and actions: some children take an active defensive position, constantly showing stubbornness and getting into arguments over any reason. Others “go underground,” continuing to commit acts condemned by adults, but at those moments when no attention is paid to them.

So, when you understand why your teenager steals, you clearly understand the reasons for theft, now is the time to have a heart-to-heart talk with your teenager, following the following rules:

■ If a teenager is “not caught red-handed,” do not rush to blame him, regardless of any suspicions. Remember the presumption of innocence.

■ Be extremely careful, be sensitive, because this is not a repeat offender, but a child. It depends on you how he will grow up. By hastening to give vent to your indignation, you can ruin a child’s life, deprive him of confidence in the right to be treated well by others, and thereby of self-confidence.

■ Let your teenager know how upset you are about what is happening, but try not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “a crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of your feelings, a joint search for a solution to any problem is better than a showdown.

■ Share responsibility with the child, help him correct the situation, and let him learn about such radical measures as punishment from books and be glad that his parents will not abandon him in trouble.

■ Try to understand the reasons for such an action. Perhaps there is some serious problem behind the theft. For example, a child took money from home because they demanded a “debt” from him, and he is ashamed to admit it, or he lost someone’s thing, and this loss must be compensated...

■ Try to find a way out of this situation together with your teenager. Remember - this should be a joint decision, not your order.

■ The stolen item must be returned to the owner, but it is not necessary to force the child to do it on his own; you can go with him. He must feel that every person has the right to support.

■ In general, leave your child an escape route. “I can imagine how much you would want this thing if you really believed it was given to you.”

A confidential conversation is the best prevention of possible difficulties. Discuss the teenager's problems, tell us about yours. It will be especially good if you share your own experiences, tell us what feelings you experienced in a similar situation. The child will feel your sincere desire to understand him, friendly, lively participation.

And a few more rules of your behavior:

● Do not discuss your child's negative behavior in front of others.

● Do not return to discussing the theft some time later, after the situation has already been sorted out and experienced.

● Do not provoke children to steal. Money and jewelry should not be in a visible place.

● Clearly condemn the specific behavior, not the child's personality.

How to act correctly if a case of teenage theft is discovered

1. When you hear that your teenager stole something, try to contain your emotions, especially if he is nearby. Know: the child is watching your reaction. Control yourself, remain calm and cool.
2. As soon as you calm down, collect as much objective information about what happened as possible.
3. Don't pretend that nothing happened. Tell your teen that you know what he did and would like to discuss it. Do not put pressure on him under any circumstances. If possible, ask him to tell you everything himself when he is ready. Give him a couple of days to think about it.
4. Don't throw hysterics and scandals. Forceful punishment is the most seductive and the most ineffective, since it does not solve the problem that has arisen, but often aggravates it.
5. It is important to talk kindly and privately with the child: find out where the item came from, how he further wanted to dispose of the stolen property. What kind of relationship does the child have with the owner of the item? This way you can understand the child’s motivation.
6. You need to let the child understand how upsetting the parents are about what is happening, but it is better not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of feelings, a joint search for a solution is better than a showdown.
7. It is worth paying attention to how the child himself feels about his action - he is ashamed, he repents, or believes that everything that happened is in the order of things. If there is no feeling of guilt at all, the parents' assessment should be clear and definite: the teenager should feel that such behavior is unacceptable and condemned.
8. There is no need to strive to cause an open feeling of guilt in a teenager, or to destroy his psychological defenses. It is necessary for him to understand that theft is condemned by everyone and leads to a deterioration in relationships, and the results of theft do not lead to achieving the set goal.
9. You can express a negative assessment of the actions of the child, but not the individual, with specific condemnation of such behavior.
10. It is necessary to talk about the consequences of such an act from the perspective of the experiences and feelings of a person who has lost his favorite thing, money.
11. A child should not be allowed to be tried in public.
12. If possible, arrange for the return of the stolen item. Share responsibility with the child, help him correct the situation.
13. If money is stolen from your parents, you need to express your grief over their absence and tell them what they were intended for.
14. When discussing what happened, you need to remember that strong negative feelings can cause a teenager to hide all actions that he considers shameful or bad.
15. Help your child cope with the effects of stress. Tell him that you are proud of his courage, because admitting openly oneself guilty is an act.
16. And most importantly, it is very important to make it clear to your child that you can always count on the help of your parents in a difficult situation.

Preventing teenage theft

The best prevention of teenage theft is complete mutual trust between parents and teenager. In a family where parents do not lie, children answer them in kind, and theft is rare.

It happens that a child does not have his own personal territory, his own personal belongings, which he can completely dispose of at his own discretion. He does not form the concept of “one’s own - someone else’s.” He can take things from home without perceiving their sale or gift as theft. It is important to clearly delineate for the child the boundary between his own things and common ones, which he has the right to use, but does not have the right to dispose of. It is the child’s lack of experience in owning property that provokes theft.

It is good to direct a teenager’s activity “in a peaceful direction”: you need to find out what really interests him: sports, art, collecting some kind of collection, some books, photography, etc. A person whose life is filled with activities that are interesting to him feels happier and more needed.

A teenager must be taught to empathize and think about the feelings of others. We need to introduce him to the rule: “Do as you want to be treated,” and explain the meaning of this rule using examples from your own life.

A teenager needs to be responsible for someone or something in the family - for his younger brother, for the presence of fresh bread in the house, for watering the flowers, etc. We need to gradually hand over things to him and share responsibility with him.

The simplest measure to prevent teenage theft is not to provoke it. For example, do not scatter money around the apartment, but store it in a place inaccessible to him. Sometimes this alone is enough.

An effective way to prevent theft is to allocate pocket money. This should not be money for breakfast at school, it should be personal pocket money, issued regularly, which the teenager can spend at his own discretion. Children perceive their own money with great responsibility. Family councils, where family members distribute the budget, are very helpful in avoiding home theft. They determine the total income and distribute it for various needs: food, rent, transportation, large purchases, vacation. The council makes contributions for personal expenses for both children and parents. The child becomes involved in the expenditure of funds and even has the right to vote, which raises him in his own eyes and makes him more responsible for family affairs. The teenager also sees the limits of the family budget, he learns what it costs in this world. He learns to plan. It is more difficult to commit theft under these conditions.

Each parent builds interaction with a teenager in his own way, based on his own values, life experiences and ideas.

But if you are interested in questions such as:

- establish strict discipline or become a friend to your child,

- protect him or give him the opportunity to learn from his mistakes,

- guide the child’s development or allow him to go his own way and many others, then the proposed material will be interesting and useful to you.

In conclusion, we can say that the general strategy of parents’ behavior in relation to the theft of their children should depend on the reasons for the teenager’s behavior, the clarification of which is of paramount importance. But in any case, it is necessary to remember that the appearance of such an alarm signal as theft or theft indicates a child’s psychological distress - this is a cry for help!

Remember: no matter what trouble happens to a child, the main thing is not to turn away from him, but give him a chance to remain Human. And if necessary, give this chance again. It is faith in the child, in the fact that he wants and can be better, that will save him and stop him from taking a fatal step.

Literature

1. Kravtsova M.M. If a child takes other people's things. M.: Eksmo, 2002.
2. Kleiberg Yu.A. Psychology of deviant behavior: Textbook for universities / Yu.A. Clayburgh. – M., 2004.
3. Davydova E.Kh. The origins of children's home theft // Children's practical psychologist. July, 1995.
4. Potanin G.M., Kosenko V.G. Psychological and correctional work with teenagers. – Belgorod, 1995.
5. Rudakova I.A. Deviant behavior. – Rostov-n/D, 2005.
6. Maznichenko M., Neskoromnykh N. Teenage theft // Public education. – 2015. – No. 4.

Teacher-psychologist Zyablitska O.V.

Show the consequences of stealing

Another method is not to tell, but to show specific examples of what can happen if a child is caught stealing. If your teenager took money or some things from you, some parents recommend calling the police and making a “mock” arrest so that the police officer explains to the child what the consequences may be and how his whole life will change. This tactic may seem extreme, and it is only suitable if the theft affects you directly, because then it is up to you to decide whether to contact the police. However, there is a plus - this method can frighten a teenager so much that he will never want to steal again. Consider whether this approach is appropriate for your particular situation.

How exactly does theft manifest itself?

This negative phenomenon manifests itself differently in each teenager. Foreign things begin to appear in the house. When asked by their parents, the teenager tells stories about how “a friend gave this leather jacket to wear,” “I found a bicycle on the street,” and the like. This is a completely standard scheme.

But the situation is much more serious when banknotes begin to disappear from the mother or father’s wallet. First small, then larger. Parents do not want to believe the worst, and for some time they tend to blame it on their forgetfulness. But when such a phenomenon occurs regularly, then, unfortunately, there is only one conclusion.

But in most cases, parents are among the last to learn about the theft of their beloved child. You have to hear accusations against your child from complete strangers and strangers: neighbors, teachers, parents of friends. It's like a bolt from the blue. Parental anger knows no bounds, and sometimes it cannot be avoided without the use of physical punishment. Screaming, swearing, beating, and accusations only significantly aggravate a difficult situation. Adults want to get rid of “this nightmare” as quickly as possible, without finding out the main reason.

Create a punishment that involves positive action.

You should not physically punish your child or try to shame him - this will only cause anger and discomfort. Focus on linking punishment with positive action. This will help your teen become more aware of the harm that stealing can have on relationships and begin to better value honesty. For example, if a child stole money from your bag, have him return everything stolen - he can work part-time or do household chores to earn this amount. By doing extra work around the house, it is easier to understand the consequences of the actions taken, so this method of punishment turns out to be very effective and at the same time beneficial.

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Ask a teenager why he decided to steal

Try to figure out what motivation is hidden behind the teenager’s action. Perhaps it is due to some other problems or difficulties. If you know what caused the behavior, it will be easier for you to prevent the unpleasant situation from happening again. Teenagers steal for a variety of reasons. For example, it may be a matter of desire to fit into the team. A child wants a fashionable smartphone or stylish sneakers, and the only way to get them is to steal from a store or take money from someone to make the desired purchase. Fitting in is an important part of growing up, and teenagers often feel pressured to have the same things as everyone else in order to fit in. Another reason that pushes people to steal is the need for attention. Any attention from others, even openly negative, may seem like a better solution than no attention at all. A teenager steals because he knows that you definitely won’t ignore it. He's trying to get you to notice him. It is worth noting another reason such as embarrassment. Condoms, tampons, pregnancy tests, emergency contraception—such items can cause such embarrassment that stealing seems like a better choice for a teen. This is the only way out, because asking someone for money for this is simply unacceptable, as it seems to a teenager. Finally, some teenagers are attracted to the feeling of danger. They enjoy experiencing new emotions and taking part in risky activities, and are interested in the forbidden and wrong out of a sense of contradiction. Stealing, then, could be a way of testing boundaries: how far can you go with impunity? If you ignore your teenager's misbehavior, the problem will only get worse.

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What should parents do if their child steals? How to stop a child from stealing?

Firstly, you need to be on the child’s side, because you are his support and support in any case. Be there for him to feel it.

Don’t shout, label or call people names (“thief!”). It’s better to understand the situation: what were the child’s motives? You can contact a psychologist who will help you look at the situation from the outside and tell you what to do next.

There is no need to try to “hush up” the situation or hide it. The child should be ashamed, he should understand the consequences of his action, so that this does not happen again and does not lead to even worse consequences. Sometimes conversations and exhortations are not enough; the child must “live” the situation, experience all this anger, condemnation, guilt and shame.

The girl's parents also talked to a psychologist. When they learned about a group of teenagers at school, they transferred the girl to another school. The mother realized that she had idealized her daughter too much; the girl’s behavior could have been protestful, because it is difficult for a child to be perfect all the time. The parents realized that their parenting style was too protective; they decided a lot for the child. They did not see the personality behind the created image, with its desires, its needs.

The girl and I discussed values, self-esteem, friendship and love. We came up with different ways to become interesting to our peers in more environmentally friendly ways.

Provide your teenager with alternative sources of income

If your teen steals because he can't afford the same things as his peers, try finding him a part-time job. This will help him become more responsible and learn how to handle money correctly, and will also provide him with the freedom to buy what he wants rather than steal. You can also encourage your child to create their own budget so that they learn how to save and manage money correctly. Such skills will seriously help him in later life.

Let him know that this is unacceptable

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You need to make it clear to your child that you will not tolerate theft in your home, and clearly communicate to him the consequences of stealing in the future. If this happens again, be sure to implement the consequences you promised him. However, do not forget about the presumption of innocence, so do not rummage through your child’s things until you have clear evidence that he has started stealing again.

Find extra activities for your child

Encourage self-development by allowing your teen to use his energy to hone his skills and abilities in productive ways, such as by playing a sport or participating in a hobby group. This will help the child establish communication with peers who have interests other than material values ​​and the latest fashion trends.

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Reasons for child theft

Theft with the best intentions

A child can indeed steal with the best intentions, for example, to give it to someone he loves. To a friend, mom or dad, brother. This desire turns out to be stronger than the restraining internal prohibition to take someone else’s. After all, moral principles at this age are just beginning to form. And the desires are very strong.

I really want to, I can’t resist

The child just “really wants it.” A toy, doll, pie or candy. You never know what a person might want. And the hand seems to reach out and take it. He already understands that he has done something reprehensible, but he cannot resist.

The thing is that children are simply not yet able to fully control their behavior. Their brain structures responsible for self-control have not yet matured; they are still being formed. But the child already understands that he has done something reprehensible, and slowly puts the toy in his pocket, a beautiful ring in a secret place, etc.

The brain structures responsible for self-control do not fully mature until around 19-21 years of age or later. This is why teenagers are often unrestrained and sometimes have problems with the law. They simply have not yet developed the function of self-control. They know how to do it, but they can’t control themselves.

With the help of special exercises you can develop self-control. This is what we do at KUB trainings.

The need to have something iconic

A teenager may steal because he needs a certain attribute of “coolness,” without which he feels inferior among his peers. For example, friends already have the latest model iPhones.

Teenagers with low self-esteem and those who cannot establish relationships with peers are especially susceptible to this.

It seems to them that the treasured item will be the key to recognition from their peers. But the young kidnapper is usually disappointed. After all, confident guys who know how to communicate enjoy the respect of their comrades. And it may seem to a teenager that he is missing some other attribute, but when it appears, only then...

To break this vicious cycle, the child needs to strengthen his self-esteem and learn to communicate. Our trainings are dedicated to this.

Stress and loss of self-control

Stress further reduces self-control. And not only for children. Adults in a situation of stress also behave less than brilliantly: they light a cigarette, binge eat, have a drink, and perform many other not very reasonable actions, depending on what is closer to them. At the same time, you remember that children have not yet matured the brain structures responsible for self-control. And when they are upset, tired, scared or simply unwell, children have a much harder time than adults to control themselves.

Stealing is often a sign that a child is experiencing emotional distress. There can be many reasons.

Half a year ago, 8-year-old Vanya gave birth to a younger sister. And his parents began to pay less attention to him. And then the “older brother” suddenly, for no apparent reason, steals money from a classmate’s wallet at school. Parents are horrified: - Why? After all, he has everything?! We refuse him nothing!

Indeed, their son is not deprived of anything, except for one thing - for six months now he considers himself deprived of parental attention. And the little man interprets this as deprivation of love. Millions of years of evolution have taught human children that without parental love they will be lost and die, so the child experiences stress in this situation. Do you remember that the impact of stress is such that self-control decreases.

At our trainings, children learn to overcome stress and regulate their emotions.

Imitating friends

It happens that children steal “for company” or by imitating others - peers or older children. This can be explained by two reasons:

• My friends do this, so it’s normal. This is how the “social confirmation” effect works;
• division of responsibility. After all, if together, it seems that the blame will be equally distributed among everyone, and I will only be a little bit guilty;
• Perhaps, with the help of theft, the child passes the test of “weakness”, and wants to prove that he is brave, mature and worthy of the friendship of his comrades.

Theft as revenge

Maybe the child wants to punish the offender by depriving him of something significant? He anticipates how upset he will be, and maybe he will even be punished for the loss.

Spend more time with your teenager

If theft is an attempt to attract attention, the situation should under no circumstances be ignored. Try to spend time with your teenager on a regular basis, demonstrate that you care about him. Invite him to do something together - choose something that really interests him, for example, go to a concert of his favorite band. In such a situation, you can discuss awkward questions and topics that cause discomfort. Reassure your teen that there is no reason to be shy and that stealing is not an option. Explain that you can always turn to you for help and that condoms and other types of contraception are not something to start stealing over.

Bad Company

Many teenagers begin to steal and commit other similar offenses in the company of friends, without whom they would not even think about such actions. If your child steals in front of friends, you should discuss this problem with him. You might consider stopping your child from hanging out with these friends, but you need to be realistic—this strategy usually has the opposite effect and makes these friends even more attractive to your teen. Instead, you should work with your child on the ability to refuse. Teach him to say, "You can do what you want, but I don't want any more trouble, so I'll wait outside."

Talk to a psychologist

If you notice that your teen still can't stop stealing, you should probably seek help from a family therapist. Some teens commit crimes due to psychological issues that will require therapy, either with you or on an individual level. Don't let stealing become a habit because it can lead to very serious consequences and destroy the child's moral fiber. It's also worth considering that some teenagers develop kleptomania, a rare compulsive disorder in which a person feels anxious or tense before committing a crime, and then feels relieved and happy afterwards. If you suspect your teen may have this disorder, you should discuss this with a therapist. It will be difficult to solve the problem on your own.

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Theft? Not really

Four-year-old Katya, having reached her mother’s jewelry box, took a ring from it and did not tell anyone about it. When the loss was discovered, the girl was frightened by her mother’s stern tone and lied, saying that she “didn’t take anything from that box.” Later the ring was found among children's toys

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— When faced with theft, it is important to consider the child’s age, his level of understanding of the problem and the circumstances. Until the age of five, a child does not have clear boundaries between “own” and “alien”; this awareness is only just being formed,” explains consultant psychologist Evgenia Pronkina.

• Age 1-3 years. The child has no division into “his” and “someone else’s”; he has no understanding of what theft is.
• From 3 to 6 years. The child masters the rules and begins to distinguish between “his own” and “someone else’s.”
• From 6 to 8 years. A clear understanding that you cannot take someone else’s things without permission, that this is a bad act, clear designation of personal boundaries (eat your own things and eat other people’s).
• From 8 to 11 years – the concept of morality is formed.
• From the age of 11 – conscious theft.

Child theft is different from theft of an adult, so you need to react to such an act somewhat differently. There is a possibility that the child simply does not understand what property is, especially if he was not taught or told about it. Stealing is not perceived by a child as a wrong act. If a two-year-old child grabbed someone else’s toy from the sandbox, and his mother started yelling at him and hitting him in the arms, then she should be taken to a psychologist first. But from the age of three, reasonable parents gradually introduce restrictions, explaining their necessity in a clear way for the child. The same rule applies to “theft in the sandbox.” Explain to your child that you cannot take someone else’s thing, because this will very upset the person from whom he took it. You can prevent “child theft” by teaching your child the concept of boundaries between “mine” and “someone else’s”, and developing an understanding of property.

The most accessible training will be in the format of games. For example, you and your child can build a house/town in which there are different residents and each of them has their own things. To take someone else's thing, you need to ask him for permission. The purpose of this game is to help the child understand that he and the other person have personal things/boundaries, and that one cannot take someone else’s property without permission. Taking without asking is a bad act that very upsets the person from whom this thing was taken. Parental responsibility is to teach this understanding to your child and form personal boundaries.