Together with gerontologist Kirill Proshchaev we are dealing with the fear of aging. We have good news for you: everything is not as sad as is commonly believed. It turns out that you can and should prepare for each new period of life, and advanced and even senile age does not necessarily mean a loss of social connections, productivity and poor health.
Kirill Proshchaev
Doctor of Medical Sciences, professor, director of the Medical Research Institute in Moscow, first deputy of the Belarusian Republican Gerontological Public Association, the first Belarusian doctor and scientist to defend his doctoral dissertation in the specialty “Gerontology and Geriatrics”.
Why does the fear of old age appear?
– Fear of the next period of life is formed for two reasons. The first is that our society is ageist.
Ageism is very common, despite respect for veterans and the elderly. We still associate old age and old age with something negative. For example, with weakness, cognitive disorders, dementia, as people say, the inability to realize oneself.
Although in recent years there has been a tendency towards overcoming ageism - this is the creation by certain companies of jobs for older people, and the popularization in the media of fashion projects for older people, and so on.
The second reason: in our society there is no culture of preparing oneself for life in the next period. For example, when we go to school, our parents prepare us to enter college or university. When we study at a university, we think about how to have a family and children, buy an apartment, and plan a career.
But when we approach 40, we don’t think that someday we will be 60, 70 years old. We don't consider whether we will be functional, whether we will be able to work, who will care for us if we become infirm. This period remains completely unspoken.
Pascal Brückner in his book “Short-lived eternity: the philosophy of longevity” writes that over the past hundred years, the achievements of civilization have given us a second life. Previously, they lived on average 45–50 years, now – 80–90. But people don’t know how to properly manage the time they have.
Why does grandma need this?
Photo from patient.info
The reasons for repeated conversations about death can be different. “Perhaps a person is afraid that he will be abandoned, or that it will be painful and scary to die, or he wants to leave something or bequeath something to his loved ones. Maybe he wants to say something important. Maybe the grandmother wants to show a bag of things in the closet with things put aside for the funeral, or she saved money for this day and wants to talk about it,” Marina Bialik lists.
A person may worry that they are a burden to their loved ones, and they take care of them instead of devoting time to their children or career. Or worry that they are forced to spend money on it.
Or maybe, if an elderly person lives independently, he is already afraid to be alone and thus asks to be taken in with him.
I'm 30 years old and I'm afraid of getting old. What to do about it?
– We need to understand the reasons. If you are afraid because you are worried about your health, you need to invest in it.
Now there is a completely new approach to preventing aging. Previously, it was based on preventing deficiencies and eliminating risk factors: if you smoke, don’t smoke, if you drink, don’t drink. This approach has not been canceled even now.
But a new direction has also emerged: in English it is called resilience, in Russian – “invulnerability”, “vitality”. With this approach, it is believed that any person, even with illnesses, has resources that allow him to be viable.
New models of prevention focus on developing vitality. My colleague, Professor Andrei Ilnitsky , and I recently published a book “Invulnerable. A book about health,” where we talk about it.
If you are afraid that in old age you will not be in demand professionally, you need to invest in another profession. If you are worried that you will remain lonely, then you need to form extensive social connections. In gerontology, loneliness syndrome is identified as a separate pathological condition because it affects health.
Together with colleagues from the social protection system, we examined the health status of those living in families and people living alone. The frequency of acute respiratory viral infections, the course of chronic diseases, muscle strength, speed of movement and nutritional patterns were studied. Surprisingly, we found no differences between these groups. But when we divided older people according to the feeling of loneliness (according to the Russell and Ferguson ), we got clear differences.
People who feel lonely eat and move worse, and have a higher disease index. Those who do not feel lonely show the opposite data. A person can live in a family, but he will have a high feeling of loneliness: for example, when children have no time to communicate with an elderly parent.
And someone lives alone, but he has extensive social connections, or he is a volunteer, or he has some kind of business, and he does not feel lonely. The more contacts a person has, the more socially in demand he is, the better his health indicators.
Symptoms of gerascophobia
It is not easy to consider the symptoms of a phobia; many people deny it. Happiness in adulthood, according to a gerascophobe, is impossible. People can begin to suffer from such thoughts from a young age.
A person who is busy thinking about the fear of aging strives for rejuvenation: he plans to undergo plastic surgery and other anti-aging procedures. If a gerontophobe talks to an old person or notices the first signs of aging in himself, he begins to panic. Panic states include rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, increased blood pressure and sweating.
People with a phobia may develop strong aggression towards older people. They may begin to be rude to old people, refuse help, and avoid them.
Having discovered signs of aging, the patient may panic
Why am I scared to talk about my age?
– Because there are ageist attitudes in society. If society were tolerant of people of any age and recognized equality of opportunity for all ages, then a person would have no reason to hide it.
To change these trends, we need to fight discrimination. It turns out an interesting thing: there is no society that, for example, does not discriminate against older people, but discriminates based on gender or orientation. Discrimination is a universal phenomenon. We as a whole must fight for a tolerant society.
In the past, Lancome terminated its contract with Italian actress Isabella Rossellini when she was 40 years old. But times have changed, and when she turned 60, the brand asked the actress to return. The company changed its policy and began to support people of any age.
Examples of people who are open about their age are very important. You can remember Stefania Staniuta . She performed all the star roles at a fairly mature age. She played elderly village women and was not shy about it. And our Belarusian Olga Shatyko , a doctor by profession, became an Instagram star at the age of 70.
Another good example is Edita Piekha , who never hides her age. Or Alla Pugacheva , who was not afraid to become a mother at 64 and speaks openly about it. In essence, she carried out an anti-ageism campaign and showed the right to exist of surrogacy.
The more bright people who speak about age and inspire by personal example, the faster society moves forward.
Does this mean it will only get worse?
Indeed, with such introductions, it’s scary to grow up, and it seems that it’s not necessary - it’s better to stay “in one pore” for as long as possible. Youth ceases to be a stage that needs to be passed through and left in the past, and turns into an achievement, a goal. This is a great deception for people of all ages.
Constantly looking back (or looking forward, if we are talking about children), it is easy to lose sight of what is happening now, and take for granted that life goes on at 10, and at 25, and at 48, and at 90.
And yet, the cult of youth and uniqueness as its indispensable attribute is supported by the media, politicians, and other public institutions.
What should I do if I cannot accept changes in my appearance?
– Not accepting changes in appearance is a dead end. You can make the face of a 30-year-old girl at 60, even change joints and make her walk easier. But Botox cannot be placed in the brain. You must be able to be attractive at any age.
Cosmetologists say that they are approached by girls aged 18–20 who are horrified by the wrinkles they see in the mirror. It should not be! Firstly, it’s bad that a person does not accept his age. In this case, it makes sense to work with a psychologist.
Secondly, it is necessary to develop a culture of cosmetic manipulations as a medical intervention. The last decade has seen a boom in the use of injection methods in cosmetology “at the request of patients.” However, like any medical procedure, it can have complications. Therefore, you need to listen to doctors and carry out these manipulations only according to strict indications and only by certified specialists.
In recent years, many medical symposiums on cosmetology have been devoted to the problems of complications. And indeed, observing patients who have been using these services for 10–15 years, we see that with an initial good effect, more and more frequent procedures are required to maintain it. And they lead to premature aging of the skin, which in turn requires even more interventions. Plus, changes develop in the subcutaneous layers, connective tissue problems and scarring.
Thirdly, wrinkles should be perceived as a symbol of intelligence and wisdom.
Fourthly, fear may be due to the fact that the environment does not accept the person. When women come to age programs, they are told: “You look great! You are beautiful! Where should you improve yourself next?” They answer: “My man doesn’t accept me.”
But there is a concept of men's health. Perhaps a man does not accept it not because the woman is “ugly”, but because he has age-related androgen deficiency - male menopause. And no matter what a woman does, he cannot understand her beauty.
The “fellow traveler effect” and the volunteer effect
Photo from thegoodcaregroup.com
Older people don't limit themselves to talking about death with loved ones. It can be important to hear from “other people’s” grandmothers – neighbors, fellow travelers on the train. Volunteers of the “Old Age in Joy” foundation who visit nursing homes are often frightened by the remarks of grandparents about the desire to die as soon as possible. Volunteers usually do not prepare for this and are quite scared, and yet, having gathered their strength, they can support their elderly friends.
“This may not be such a long conversation,” says Marina Bialik. - You need to stop, look at the person (not always directly in the eyes, this irritates many), say that you hear that this is bothering the interlocutor, and try to find out what is behind this concern. The volunteer needs to understand that if he listened and gave the opportunity to tell what worries the elderly person, he has already helped.”
“A volunteer came to a nursing home to lead an elderly person at least in these moments of communication,” says Alexander Galitsky. “You don’t have to give in to their mood, you have to convey yours to them.” As a last resort, if you are unable to set the tone of the conversation, simply support it with remarks in the spirit of “yes, yes,” “what are you saying,” without letting in the melancholy.”
“Not only a priest can tell a person that he should think about his sins. Any Christian, including a volunteer in a nursing home who came only for an hour, can ask if a priest comes to this institution and whether he should be invited to the grandmother who spoke to you about death,” adds Archpriest Fyodor Borodin.
In a nursing home, even elderly grandparents, especially those with limited mobility, talk about death more often and more bitterly than usual because they are lonely, they just sit and wait for something, but do nothing, so there is nothing special to expect except death .
What should I do if I feel worse than before? It’s harder for me to work and get everything done
– Age and ability to work are not connected in any way. All other things being equal, at 70 years old a person can be just as productive as at 30.
Take the last two American presidents. , Trump was 71 years old (at that time an absolute record for the first person of the United States), Biden was 78 (breaking Trump’s record by 7 years). They successfully carried out exhausting election campaigns, and the country voted for them.
If a person has a reduced ability to work compared to another period of life, you need to look for what is causing this. This could be a psychological problem, or a health issue. For example, anemia (lack of red blood cells) may not be noticeable at first, but may cause fatigue. Or the reason is related to a decrease in thyroid function. You need to go to a therapist. There is a basic screening program that identifies possible causes of these conditions.
At the age of 30 years, 10% of people have hypertension, at the age of 60 years – in 50–60%. But a person without hypertension at 30 and a person without hypertension at 60 are equally able to work, and if they have it, they are equally disabled.
Due to the fact that the number of people with diseases increases with age, it seems that the cause of loss of ability to work is age, although it is not the problem, but the diseases.
Norm or deviation?
Thoughts about the inevitability of old age visit everyone from time to time.
However, most people feel only mild sadness or short-term anxiety. They treat this phenomenon as a natural process. The fear of old age is due to the inevitability of changes in life and its end. If this sensation does not bother a person too much, it is considered normal. This feeling does not interfere with normal life and does not cause obsessive dark thoughts.
However, in some cases fear is pathological. A person reacts sharply to everything related to aging. For this reason, he avoids any contact with older individuals. The phobia usually develops in people over thirty years of age. During this period, the first manifestations of withering of the body are observed, and it is necessary to form the correct reaction to their occurrence. Fear is rare in old age. Fear of old age and death is not typical for the elderly; they treat this problem calmly.
It seems to me that I will not live to old age. What do such thoughts mean?
– A person should think about a happy future. Nobody knows how and when his life will end. Someone can live up to a hundred years and die in a car accident, someone at 40 years old can die from cancer. Therefore, you need to live happily right now and think about the future.
We need to understand why such thoughts appear. Among other things, they are influenced by the experiences of society. Life expectancy for men in Belarus is not very high. The difference between the average life expectancy of men and women is almost 11 years. On average, according to UN statistics, men live 5 years less in the world. We see many examples of people dying in middle age, and we begin to extrapolate this to ourselves.
Plus, the background of life now itself is depressing. To be invulnerable, you need to understand that the old world will not exist, and be able to learn to live in the new one.
All mine are already there
Photo from thesenior.com.au
Some old people really expect death and do not show off at all when talking about it: their spouses, their peers and friends have almost all already left them, and it is difficult for them to cope with losses, especially if they have outlived their children.
“An old person, through talking about death, may try to tell his loved ones not to hold him back. One grandmother - in the family of my friends - was already over a hundred, she dug in the garden and did a lot of housework, until one day she got sick and realized: that’s it, her body no longer works. She called her daughter (she was also already about 80 years old) to the hospital, said goodbye to her - and as soon as her daughter left, she died. The family said that the grandmother seemed to have decided that she had had enough and stopped breathing,” Marina Bialik gives an example.
“Many of my students say that it would be nice to die in a dream: it’s called the “kiss of an angel” when a person wakes up already there. Death is an inevitable transition; people just want to go through it more easily, painlessly and, if possible, instantly. Sometimes they even wait for it and desire it. The body gets tired of being sick, walking slowly, taking medications. One of my students said: “Life was easier for the first hundred years,” says Alexander Galitsky.
According to the art therapist, he asked his students' opinions about anti-aging developments and found out that they did not want to live forever.
Signs of a phobia
Persons suffering from such a mental disorder try to hide the presence of fear from others. Often they themselves cannot admit to themselves that they are afraid of old age. This phenomenon is characterized by the following symptoms:
Increased attention to your health. Following various diets. Excessive passion for sports training and salon procedures. Plastic surgery. Purchasing numerous cosmetics for the purpose of rejuvenation.
The pathology lies in the fact that these activities are intrusive. To delay the onset of old age, people use increasingly sophisticated methods. However, with age, appearance does change, and this is inevitable.
Individuals suffering from gerontophobia experience panic when wrinkles, physical ailments, and figure defects appear. They become anxious, sleep poorly, and often feel depressed. The behavior of an individual in society changes. He tries to avoid talking about the onset of old age, and if necessary, contact with older people shows irritation or anxiety. Such feelings in a gerontophobe serve as defensive reactions to what inspires horror.
Years don't matter to us, as long as the soul is young
For a person to live long and happily, he must program himself for positive emotions. This attitude will help overcome fear. Setting yourself up for a happy and long life will help prolong a person’s youth well into adulthood. A person will grow old without experiencing fear.
Recommendations from psychologists
People do not want to grow old; they perceive the aging stage as something terrible. Old people also know how to enjoy life, do things they love, find reasons to laugh, and feel great
Over time, the body wears out, this is a natural process: it is necessary to pay attention to your health, undergo comprehensive examinations, and receive timely treatment to avoid the occurrence of chronic diseases
Women are particularly sensitive to the onset of old age, fearing that they will lose their attractiveness and become uninteresting to men.
Who can keep youth
Psychotherapy will help you calmly accept the natural onset of old age. If you have an active lifestyle and do not expose yourself to stress, your nervous system will not malfunction in old age. It is worth giving up bad habits. Psychologists recommend doing what you like, devoting yourself to family, work or a hobby. An eventful life will help women and men not grow old.
Recommendations of gerontologists
Hormonal changes with age lead to weight gain; it is necessary to adhere to a diet to avoid the onset of diseases. It is recommended to dedicate once a week to cleansing the body: the cell renewal process will accelerate and the body will rejuvenate. Products that preserve youth include:
- nuts, liver;
- lean meat;
- dairy products;
- fruits and vegetables.
Nutritionists recommend avoiding coffee and giving preference to herbal teas.
The purpose of negative emotions
Emotions appear in response to various kinds of changes not only in the external, but also in the internal environment of the body. There are close functional relationships between the first (sensations) and second (rational thinking) signaling systems. Emotional reactions are part of the first signaling system, much older than our conscious thinking.
For example, focusing on the shortcomings of a loved one leads to quarrels and disunity. Focusing on his strengths strengthens the bond. When choosing the first strategy of behavior, we feel negative emotions - disappointment, irritation, anger. Following the second strategy, we experience positive feelings - gratitude, love.
Our unconscious tells us, with the help of emotions, the shortest path to what we want. Negative emotions are akin to the physical pain that occurs when we touch a hot frying pan with our bare hands. The pain forces you to withdraw your hand and save the soft tissues from the burn. Anger, shame, fear, and anxiety should ideally also force a person to change his behavior to a more constructive one. And we are primarily talking about thought processes, and not about any specific actions.
Who has big eyes?
Surprisingly, not all people experience fears of old age. Not everyone's thoughts about their own age lead to tears and despair. According to Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan, fear of age and one’s own old age is inherent only in people with the so-called visual vector.
Only five percent of people are born with the visual vector. They feel like they are truly living -
Holders of the visual vector are people with a particularly sensitive area: the eyes. Such people are able to distinguish four hundred shades of black where people without a visual vector are able to distinguish only forty. Their eyes, attentive and sensitive to color and light, are always in search of new pleasures: to see something beautiful and get pleasure from it.
Potentially, people with a visual vector are able to realize themselves in art, design, and cinema. And also as TV presenters, medical workers, psychologists, and volunteering.
They find themselves where imaginative thinking is required, the ability to create and appreciate beauty, high sensuality - the ability to empathize and have compassion for other people. People with a visual vector are able to sense the emotional states of others as their own.
Associated symptoms
Symptoms of fear of old age manifest themselves in the form of panic attacks:
- pressure increases;
- shortness of breath begins;
- sweat appears;
- heart rate increases.
The phobia can provoke panic attacks in the patient
Fear of old age as a phobia manifests itself in the form of panic attacks - blood pressure jumps, shortness of breath appears, increased sweating occurs, and the heartbeat increases. Wanting to get rid of such attacks, the patient tries to avoid thoughts that provoke them.
Contrary to the opinion that the phobia is absolutely safe for others, situations have occurred when patients began to hate old people because they appear on the streets, reminding them of old age. There are cases where pensioners were even killed. Therefore, another symptom, but with an extremely advanced disease, is aggression towards the elderly.
Obsessive fears are accompanied by additional symptoms.
| Symptom | Description |
| A person is confident that in the near future his main fear will materialize. Against this background, nervousness develops, sleep and appetite are disturbed. |
| It is difficult for a person to concentrate. He may forget why he came to another room or took this or that thing. |
| The most annoying noises for older people include children screaming, dogs barking, doors slamming, alarms, and laughter outside the window. |
| It is a consequence of decreased concentration. |
| Finding himself in a given situation, a person thinks that he has already been there once. |
| Tension headaches have a squeezing, squeezing character. The duration of the attack is up to 10 minutes. Occurs periodically. In difficult cases - up to 3 times a day. |
| In 90% of cases, an elderly person's hands tremble. Less often, trembling shakes the whole body. |
| The symptom is combined with rapid heartbeat, sometimes with increased sweating. |
Causes of gerontophobia
Why fear of old age develops:
- observing another person's aging and decline;
- forced care of a sick person;
- observing the cold attitude of children and grandchildren towards the elderly;
- exposure to the media and stories from friends (about small pensions, loneliness, health problems, etc.);
- childhood psychotrauma (the child witnessed the death of a loved one, an elderly person).
Fear of the unknown, fear of change are the main reasons for the fear of old age. Not all older people manage to find a hobby or a new social activity. Not everyone can maintain physical fitness, not everyone continues to take care of themselves. This is roughly what a person who is tormented by the fear of aging thinks about. But he forgets that everything depends on the person himself and on his activity at other stages of life.
Loss of beauty
What emotions and feelings accompany this fear: irritation, despair, contempt, anger, envy. What should these feelings be turned into: self-acceptance and self-worth, self-respect, gratitude, tenderness, self-love. Individuality, self-love, self-care and style are what makes a person beautiful at any age.
Losing my mind
What feelings and emotions accompany this fear: anxiety, shame, pity, despair, alienation. What emotions and feelings need to be replaced: curiosity, kindness, pride, hope.
There is an opinion that in old age a person inevitably faces dementia. In fact, it all depends on the life path of a particular person
It is very important to constantly engage in intellectual work. Neural connections do form worse with age, but if you constantly work with your mind, you can maintain the activity of old connections and stimulate the activity of new neurons
For brain health, it is important to avoid habitual and routine work; you need to give up habits and automaticity. Learn new things, keep your brain working continuously.
Loss of health and physical strength
What emotions and feelings accompany this fear: despair, resentment, sadness, melancholy, rage, regret, humiliation, shame. What emotions and feelings need to replace them: delight, interest, self-care, self-love, revitalization.
If you take care of yourself, you can be healthier and fitter at 50 than at 20. It all depends on the habits, lifestyle and character of a person.
Loss of self-importance
What emotions and feelings accompany this fear: shame, indignation, despair, anger, resentment, shyness, helplessness. What emotions should this be replaced with: friendliness, interest, trust, sympathy, mutual assistance.
Become a good specialist and a versatile person, then in old age you will be a sought-after unit of society. Do not interrupt the path of learning, maintain the ability to learn new things, maintain an interest in development and self-development. Even if you retire, people will still turn to you for personal and professional advice. This will be enough to feel significant and needed. Do not withdraw into yourself, do not refuse communication, new acquaintances, public events and training courses.
Loss of sexual attractiveness
What feelings accompany: shame, anger, envy, indignation, despair, fear, disappointment. What feelings need to be replaced: self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect, admiration, care, happiness.
Love for yourself and life is the secret of sexuality. A dissatisfied, tired, grumpy woman will never look attractive in the eyes of a man
And it doesn't matter how old she is. Nurture love within yourself and radiate positivity, be interesting inside and out, then you will always be in demand among the opposite sex
Loss of financial well-being
What feelings accompany: horror, panic, despair, helplessness, irritation, greed. What feelings should be replaced: interest, gratitude, confidence, responsibility.
Many modern retirees are finding a completely new way to earn money. It's never too late to learn something new. You can start learning a new type of activity right now and constantly expand your repertoire of skills and knowledge. But it’s even better to think about investing in your future: business, bank deposit, rental housing, etc.
