How to learn to accept a man for who he is?

What are men's hobbies for you, such as fishing, football or hanging out with friends? A source of quarrels (“he doesn’t pay attention to me”) or an opportunity to devote time to your hobbies? Is it worth trying to “remake” a slob or a hoarder if you are completely different by nature? We'll tell you how to strengthen a relationship with the help of your “otherness” and why it is in your interests to accept a man for who he is.

“How could he! How can you exchange a Dali exhibition with a buffet table and champagne for mosquitoes and a fishing rod! How can you be like that...” - then comes the obscene language. Admit it: have you at least once in your life experienced similar emotions towards your husband or partner and complained about the “wrong” man to your friend? Did they quarrel with him because of this “wrongness”?

There are girls like stars, if you believe the famous song by Andrei Gubin. But if you want your man to describe you as “there are stars like her,” then you can’t do without accepting your husband.

Historically, we are looking for a partner who is similar to us - with the same values, goals, interests, hobbies. Is this correct from the start? Partly. Remember: the dissimilarity of partners is not an obstacle to “happily ever after,” but an additional opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

So is it worth being a reflection of each other? And if not, then how to accept the differences? Let's figure it out.

When opposites attract, misunderstandings arise

Opposites attract, and subconsciously we are drawn to people who are endowed with everything that we ourselves lack.

• A girl with low self-esteem chooses a confident man.
• A spontaneous and unpredictable man chooses a cautious and prudent woman.
• A man is guided by common sense, and a woman depends on the mood of the little toe of her left foot...

But here lies the most common problem in relations between the sexes - misunderstanding. We are so different! We often speak different languages, we don’t get what we want from our partner, and the woman can’t choose between three shades of lipstick, putting the man at a dead end, because for him they are all red.

And there are only two ways - either find your exact copy and, quite possibly, get bored in five years. Or form into a single picture, like a puzzle - fit each other exactly, accept dissimilarity as an addition and every day discover something new and pleasant both in yourself and in your partner.

Men don't like being pressured, even if a woman thinks it's for their own good.

No matter what you say, no matter what you do, but if the man himself doesn’t want to, he will never do what you want. And the harder you press, the stronger the resistance will be, maybe obvious, maybe hidden. If you want a man to change in something, then there is no use in pushing it. The stronger the pressure, the stronger the resistance and aggression will be.

Change yourself and your world will change. As soon as a woman relaxes and accepts what is, some kind of magic happens and everything begins to change, as if by itself.

Let's look at an example again. When I got married, I liked that my husband played sports, I liked his figure and the fact that he kept himself in shape. But after a few years the situation began to change. My husband started doing business, and excuses appeared on the topic: “I don’t have time to go to the gym,” etc.

Due to the fact that physical activity became less, but the diet remained the same, my husband’s belly began to grow. I continued to exercise, did not eat flour, fatty or sweet foods, and began to promote healthy eating to my husband in every possible way (read about healthy eating here). But no matter how I imposed my way of eating, no matter how I convinced him that by eating a muffin and half a pack of cookies every day, he would get better, it was all useless. Over time, apparently, I got so sick of him with “healthy eating” that he simply began to hide from me that he was eating flour. He said that he stopped, but in fact he ate. When I found out about this, I suddenly felt so ashamed of myself and that I had pestered a man and forced him to deceive me, just so as not to hear discontent and moralizing every day.

Then I sat down and began to think. I thought about what a wonderful husband I have. I thought about how hard it was for him to give up habits that he had had all his life in one day. After all, he always loved sweets and flour, he just didn’t gain weight in his youth, plus there was an intense load in training. But now he needs to come to terms with the idea that he will have to eat differently, and besides, he also needs to get used to this different food, and this is not so easy to do.

How to accept a man who is different from you: 2 exercises

“But I hate fishing!
“I want to go to the Dali exhibition,” some of you will probably think. Well, yes. But he wants to go fishing and sincerely does not understand Dali’s “daub.” So what should I do? Interests, hobbies and even character traits are always an individual component of a person. Yes, you may not like fishing, and he doesn’t understand painting, but you are together, which means you have something in common. And you need to value this difference just as you value your commonality.

Here's an exercise to help you take the first step towards accepting your man.

1. Stand in front of the mirror and exhale.
2. Tell your reflection the following phrases:

• Every person has advantages and disadvantages. I focus on my man's strengths.
• He is not my copy, but that doesn't mean he's wrong.
• Each of us is unique and endowed with different traits and desires.
• There is no concept of “better or worse” in our life. We are different, so everyone is good in their own way.
• We complement each other. Our differences are what attracted us when we first met.

This exercise is simple but effective. Believe my experience and the experience of thousands of my students: when in the end you understand that there is no need to remake a person, then you will feel extraordinary peace within yourself. And this peace will bring joy from every day of your relationship.

But to achieve this feeling as quickly as possible is another technique that works. If you do not understand and do not accept some of your man’s hobbies, desires and needs, turn the situation around. Try to imagine that his football and fishing are like shopping and spa for you. His friends are like your girlfriends...

Or find benefit for yourself in its “irregularities. His silence is your opportunity to speak while he listens. His workaholism is a desire to achieve heights, to provide a better life for you.

Continue the list yourself! Write down in a column everything that you don’t like, that irritates and even infuriates you about your companion. And next to it, indicate your “benefit” from his hobbies, qualities or desires.

You can only change another person by changing the way you interact with him.

Partially or completely. Re-establish boundaries. Resolve conflicts, stop war, express emotions in other ways, negotiate and seek compromises. This process, of course, must be two-way at least to some extent. If all your steps forward (if they actually exist) are ignored or taken for granted, step back a little.

Still not satisfied? Step back at arm's length. Not satisfied again? Has this been going on for many years and nothing has changed? Stop all communication with this person. There are many other people in the world, communication with whom will bring you much more pleasure.

Can't stop because you're addicted? Or does your loved one depend on you?

Change this situation little by little. Limit some aspects. Do not pour out your soul, do not share information that can (and will) be turned against you.

Perhaps, seeing these changes, a person will want to take a step towards you. But this is a topic for another article.

To summarize: Accepting a person for who he is does not mean tolerating everything that you do not want to tolerate. This means understanding why a person says and does certain things. Understand why you have certain feelings for a person. It is possible to forgive him when you see that he is trying (if these efforts are actually present), but for now he cannot do otherwise. Those. maximum awareness, which grows primarily from a good understanding of oneself. Based on this awareness, you understand what you can expect from a person and what you cannot. And you form your own attitude towards it. At the same time, your feelings are just as important and valuable. You have the right to live the life you choose. Just like that man. You choose the method of interaction, the duration of interaction and the moment of interaction with this person.

If you can find ways to interact safely and pleasantly with respect and mutual movement, good, if not, then no. This is fine.

If communication doesn't work out with absolutely anyone, people don't stay in your life, you don't communicate or have bad relationships with your family. If no one wants to accept you for who you are, and you don’t really accept other people either. If you cannot build close relationships, you have no friends, and at work your colleagues communicate with you only formally...

No, it's not the people around you who are idiots.

There is a hidden, suppressed problem within you. This problem needs to be explored, recognized and solved. It's better with the help of a specialist. After all, you’ve been trying to resolve it on your own for a long time and you didn’t succeed.

Parental role

So, complete acceptance, love without any conditions - this is what, ideally, every child has the right to. Mom and dad were waiting for him, he was born - and now he is welcome. And they love him, despite the whole range of difficulties that those who raise children face.

But the child is dependent on the parents. They are responsible for his safety, development, physical and psychological health. The mission of parents is to educate and raise. Mom and dad's unconditional acceptance helps the child feel loved and significant. He receives the message that it is normal to be himself, to feel different emotions is natural, and to be worthy of respect and good treatment is right.

But, in addition, parents must teach him to follow the rules of society, study, work, negotiate with people, and so on. And this is important precisely because in the future we build relationships with others that are not child-parent, but other ones - friendly, neighborly, collegial, sexual, and so on. And they are all conditioned by something. All of them, including a romantic relationship, represent a kind of “social contract”.

Personal space

Each person has his own personal space and boundaries, we have our own tastes, views, interests, worldview. Our exclusivity and uniqueness lie in these features. But we must develop in ourselves such a quality as acceptance. You need to be able to accept another person, be more patient with the other person’s personal boundaries. Acceptance is a skill that will always help you look for common ground and help you refrain from unnecessary actions towards another person. But we must not forget that in addition to personal boundaries, there are also boundaries of relationships with your partner, they are called partnership boundaries. And if your partner throws around the phrases “Accept me as I am,” he is violating the boundaries of your relationship.

Violation of partnership boundaries

Let's look at this violation based on a real example. One woman was faced with a situation where her husband simply responded to every comment she made: “Accept me for who I am. You either accept all of me, or our relationship will become fake.” Then the woman decided that her husband’s desires were higher for her than her own. She decided to do everything to make her husband feel good with her.

Just like getting ready for a date: how beavers wash themselves in the river (video)

Mini braids: quick simple hairstyles for a walk or remote work

And a little geometry: fresh spring manicure ideas with the main colors of the year

After a certain amount of time, the woman began to realize that the more she accepted her husband’s antics, the worse she felt. The question arose: “What about my own desires?” And when the woman decided to put herself first, her husband accused her of callousness and self-interest. Their relationship ended on his initiative.

So where is the acceptance here?

Acceptance is not just praise or criticism. This is adequate feedback that helps the child see himself as a whole, and not just his “good” or “bad” sides. Accepting a child is the foundation of adequate self-esteem, the formation of the psyche without a bias towards “plus” or “minus”.

The parent acts as a “non-crooked” mirror that makes the baby visible. Not embellished, not partially visible, but simply visible. Just like we see our reflection in a mirror. Of course, we may not like something about ourselves, but we pay more attention to something. But if the child’s psyche develops normally, everything should be reflected.