Don't be afraid to love!
Almost each of us can tell the story of our unhappy love. The question “why am I unlucky in relationships?” gives us no peace. And in many cases, the answer is within ourselves. Whether we admit it or not, most of us are afraid to truly love. This fear can manifest itself differently at different stages of a relationship, but it is always caused by our subconscious confidence that it will to some extent protect us from pain. Although such “protection” gives us the illusion of safety, it actually only prevents us from achieving true intimacy, which everyone needs to feel happy. What causes our fears to love? What keeps us from finding and maintaining the love we say we so desire?
Love is love. You are looking for reasons for love, in order to fall in love. But true love does not seek them, true love does not require proof. Erich Maria Remarque
True love makes us vulnerable
A new relationship is like uncharted territory, and most of us have a natural fear of the unknown. Allowing the possibility of failure in love is a real risk. In relationships, we trust the other person, allowing them to influence us, which makes us feel too open and vulnerable. Our protective barriers are being destroyed. All the habits that have long allowed us to focus only on ourselves are gradually changed for the sake of the other person. We gradually begin to believe that the more obsessed we are with someone, the more painful they can hurt us.
2nd type. Unloved children
Main reason : the basic emotion of love is not developed.
The second option why people are afraid to love has its roots in childhood. Such people, as small children, experienced a lack of love. Their parents didn't like them. This applies to both ordinary children who had fathers and mothers, and children from an orphanage, for whom such a basic emotion as love is in its infancy: they, in principle, do not know how to love.
For those who were not loved in childhood, love is equated to something scary and incomprehensible. Like most people, they are frightened by everything new, and love is a completely new emotion for them. If the situation becomes pathological, such people remain alone and even begin to hide from the world. For people who experienced deprivation in childhood, love - a natural feeling for every person - remains an undisclosed feeling.
New love reminds of past pain
When we start a relationship, we are rarely fully aware of how much it will be affected by our past. The way we have been wounded by previous feelings, dating back to childhood, greatly influences how we perceive the people with whom we become intimate, and in particular how we behave in romantic relationships. Old grievances can prevent us from opening up to someone new. We may withdraw from intimacy because it reminds us of the feelings of pain, loss, anger, and rejection we experienced from a previous relationship. As Dr. Love said in an interview with PsychAlive, “When you long for something, like love, for a long time, it becomes associated with pain, the pain of not having it in the past.”
Why are men afraid to fall in love?
For some, love is the highest reward that must be earned. Some people believe that love is pain and should be avoided. And if you fall in love, then get treatment, treatment, and treatment again. Otherwise, it could become even more painful, God forbid.
Men and women approach love differently. But both of them have this fear of pain. It’s like standing on the top of the highest mountain and taking your breath away with delight and horror at the same time. This feeling, by the way, is a sign that she, Love, has come. And now you won’t go anywhere.
However, as our regular consultant Yulia Urushadze, psychologist and leader, rightly notes, in modern conditions some women can behave like men, and vice versa. And yet most men are still men, and most women still react as they should.
This is Love! In my opinion, it’s a disease!
This is where the main difference lies! A woman waits for love all her life and, having waited, joyfully “falls into it.” Men, especially those who have been burned once, perceive love as an annoying addiction, a disease that needs to be gotten rid of. In the old days, wise men spent centuries ranting about how scary it was to love a woman. Here are some quotes for you:
“To love and to perish is an eternal combination.” Nietzsche; “In love, the only victory is flight,” said Napoleon. And he added: “A man who allows himself to be pushed around by a woman is simply nothing.” For a sovereign, love is a pitfall"; “All love is a disaster when you give yourself completely to it.” Turgenev; “Love is a weakness that must be resisted.” Baron Adolf von Knigge.
Thank God, there were other sages who understood that love is happiness. And that “whoever did not love, consider that he did not live.” This, by the way, was what darling Moliere said.
What practical conclusion can a smart woman draw from this? Very simple: if you come across such a Napoleon, give him time for him to mature to the wisdom of Moliere.
Who's waiting for whom?
The poetess Vera Pavlova spoke well about another difference: “They are in love and happy. Him: When you're not there, it seems to me like you went into the next room. She: When you go into the next room, it seems to me that you are not there.”
Women constantly need contact with their loved one; they need to see and touch him more. After all, she is tuned to emotions. And it’s important for him that she just be. Sometimes a man’s own decision is enough: “So, here it is, love. But for now I have more important things to do.” This fairy-tale archetype has lived from time immemorial: the beautiful Yaroslavna stands somewhere on a high wall and peers into the sunset distance, waiting.
That’s why there is so much centuries-old appeal in this: “The wife is waiting at home with dinner.” And men get offended when they don’t wait. How is it that Yaroslavna waited, but you couldn’t. Eh, the wrong women went now! And she may have gotten tired of waiting. But here are the quirks of female love: she was just ready to kill. And when he sees his loved one, all anger disappears as if by hand.
Anger and its consequences
“We’ve been dating for two years,” my friend almost cries into the phone. - Why doesn’t he want to live with me? I asked him about it directly, and he said that he hadn’t thought about it!
A friend is terribly angry with her man. Although she spends the night with him so often that it can easily be called living together.
- No, you see, he didn’t think! - she exclaims. - All! I don't want to see him anymore. Let him look for someone else. Yes, I love him, such a fool! Well what should I do now?
A typhoon and a desire to wipe everything off the face of the Earth awaken in an angry woman. A woman organizes Operation Desert Storm. And he begins to actively act, look for effective strategies and tactics.
Men, if they are angry with their beloved, on the contrary, hide in their hole. They are just thinking about the consequences. And they secretly get angry. They seem to be in a stupor. They are afraid of offending their loved one and losing her, so they take a break to decide something. Understand why she is wrong and what is her fault, for example. And how would everything be sorted out beautifully?
Tatyana Larina syndrome
One great man remarked: love makes a man timid, and a woman bold. Only a woman in love can be the first to admit her feelings. But a man in love, and this has been proven by psychologists, experiences such fear and timidity in front of his beloved that... Fuck her. A man in love, in principle, talks little about love. As George Sand subtly noted, “a man who talks intelligently about love is not very much in love.” This is another reason not to trust guys with a well-spoken tongue. Yes, girls, a guy truly in love will only look into your eyes and breathe loudly. Well, sometimes it makes sense to grab into your arms. Again silently.
By the way, dear men, the fear of love goes away if you look into your beloved’s eyes. She will understand everything. Women in love are very insightful.
Duty or feelings?
A man has a strong social function as a family provider. And if you smell the love of your life, then it becomes even worse. So, I found my female. Now you have to work three times as hard for her sake. Let it stand on the wall for now. Duty comes before love. But women don’t understand this behavior. Because the most important thing for them is love... There is nothing more important than love! “A man loves a woman because she loves him. And a woman loves a man because he admires her,” noted Vasily Klyuchevsky. The woman is indignant when he is gone for a long time. When should he admire it? But these grievances are incomprehensible to a man. If he loves, then he should always be happy. And in general, it’s all for her sake! Where is the gratitude?
In general, comrades, the path of lovers is thorny. And some cunning people choose peace and serenity. They marry out of sympathy, into a convenient match. But, as Benjamin Franklin once again said, “a marriage without love is fraught with love outside of marriage.”
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Love challenges our self-image
Love is in question
Many of us struggle with the feeling that we are not cut out for love. It is difficult for us to realize our own value and believe that we can become truly important to someone. We all have an “inner critic” that acts like a cruel coach in our heads and constantly tells us how worthless and unworthy we are of happiness. This “coach” is created by our painful childhood memories, the criticism we faced at an early age, and our parents’ beliefs about themselves.
The actions of the “inner coach” initially hurt our self-esteem, but over time they form a stable image of ourselves. As adults, we may not see the danger in destructive self-criticism and accept it as normal self-esteem. In fact, the “inner critic” often brings us significant harm and trouble. When another person appears who evaluates us differently than our inner voice, that is, expresses his love and acceptance to us, we may react with misunderstanding and even feel a certain discomfort and aggressively deny it, because this loving person in his own way challenges our established opinion about ourselves.
I feel, therefore I live
People with a visual vector want to love and be loved. But it is not always possible to experience a state of love euphoria. And for a number of reasons, they suddenly “fall” into a state of fear.
The cause of fear may be overstress, for example, a severance of an emotional connection with a close (loved) person. Or a long-term lack of self-realization in society, for example, if a visual person left work, where there were many opportunities for communication, creating emotional connections, new experiences and helping other people. Another reason may be the lack of skill to correctly apply one’s mental properties in life and enjoy it.
When the state of fear becomes a way of life and a constant companion, then it no longer matters what exactly in the outside world causes it. And then every day the viewer experiences fear, excitement, panic, anxiety, and phobias almost constantly. And the reasons that cause them simply replace each other. Thus, the fear of heights is replaced by a fear of insects. And fear for one’s life can at any moment take the form of fear of closed spaces and panic attacks.
Obsessive, frightening thoughts take away the joy of life and turn it into continuous torment. In this way, a person fills himself with acute experiences and receives the emotions he needs. But such emotions do not bring him joy.
With real joy comes real pain
Every time we fully experience true joy, feel the value of life in all its fullness of emotion, we sometimes expect that great sadness will soon follow. Many of us shy away from anything that makes us happy because it can also cause us pain. The opposite is also true. We cannot selectively withdraw from sadness without withdrawing from joy. When we fall in love, we often hesitate to give ourselves completely to the feeling for fear of the sadness it will generate in us.
Men and feelings
Men often have complexes with expressing emotions. Many parents tell boys from childhood that feelings are for girls, and a man should be strict, without tenderness and affection. This is incorrect upbringing and can have negative consequences in the future. As adults, they become hidden people and are afraid to show emotions.
The strongest half of humanity lives with their heads and cold calculations. They put logic first. This in turn says that they have a vulnerable soul, since it is his defensive reaction that helps him. But feelings are inherent in all people.
Men are on the side of action and if they like a girl, he will definitely get her. But he is not always sure that the feelings are reciprocal and is afraid to act. He is afraid of a smile, refusal, rudeness on her part.
Love is often not completely reciprocated
Love more actively!
Many people express doubts about getting involved with someone who “likes them too much.” They worry that they will enter into a relationship with him and they will not have reciprocal feelings. That is, they are afraid to hurt this person, they are afraid to reject him. The truth is that love is often unbalanced, meaning someone's feelings are stronger or weaker at some point. Our feelings for someone are constantly changing. In one second, our love can turn into anger, irritation or even hatred. By worrying about how we will feel, we prevent our feelings from developing naturally. It is better to be calm about what our feelings will be over time. By allowing ourselves to worry or feel guilty about what we will or will not feel, we are robbing ourselves of getting to know the person we are interested in, and perhaps even creating a relationship that will truly make us happy.
Don't give up on your interests
Being in a loving relationship means supporting each other, not being influenced by your partner or constantly trying to change things. But if such a desire arises: the sooner you discuss what doesn’t suit you in the relationship or what you would like to change, the better.
Warn your partner about the peculiarities of your life: be it the traditional trip to the bathhouse on the 31st or the presence of an allergy to a cat, mandatory Saturday fishing with friends or reluctance to have children.
But if you can still change something and make concessions, then under no circumstances should you give up interests that are truly important to you! Both couples will remain unhappy. If this problem is preventing you from building relationships, repeat the mantra of being open, honest and polite to each other and start over.
Relationships can alienate you from your family
Relationships can be a kind of symbol of final maturation. They mean that we begin to live our own lives as independent, autonomous people. This may also mean moving away from your family. This is very similar to the destruction of the old self-image, this separation is not really happening. It does not mean literally abandoning your relatives, but rather letting them go on an emotional level: no longer feeling like a child and starting your journey as an accomplished person.
Fortune telling for love
He loves - he doesn’t love, he will spit, or maybe he will take it and kiss it. As a child, these issues were easily resolved. You take chamomile and get the answer: he loves you. If the first seven daisies do not give the desired answer, then the main thing is not to give up: one of them will definitely end on the desired petal. In adulthood, the methods of clarifying the question “does he love?”, of course, have changed, but no one has canceled chamomile.
But what to do when the question is different. Not “do they love me?”, but “do I love?” It would seem, what could be simpler? Who knows us better than ourselves? And even if there are doubts about your feelings, sooner or later the answer will come.
“And in general: either you love or you don’t,” I thought so confidently, until I encountered a situation that happened with one person close to me.
Love creates existential fears
The more we have, the more we can lose.
The more someone means to us, the more afraid we are of losing that person. When we fall in love, we not only face the fear of losing our partner, but we also become more concerned about our moral character. Our lives now have more value and meaning, so the thought of losing them becomes increasingly frightening. In an attempt to cope with this fear, we can focus on superficial problems, start quarrels with our partners and, in severe cases, even break off relationships. We are rarely fully aware that this is how we fight these existential fears. We can come up with a million rational reasons why we don't want a relationship. However, all these reasons are far-fetched, and what really drives us in this case is a deep fear of loss. Most relationships abruptly confront us with a whole set of problems. To solve them, that is, and to achieve truly fulfilling, long-term relationships, it is very important to understand our fears of intimacy and how they affect our behavior. These fears may masquerade as various judgments about why something isn't working out, but we must deal with them all if we want to become truly intimate with someone. By getting to know ourselves, we have a greater chance of finding and keeping true love. Pondyakova Elena · Aug 19, 2017
Face your fear
Are you afraid of losing yourself, your individuality? If in the past you were wildly jealous or constantly criticized, this does not mean that the new relationship should be similar. Leave the past in the past. And realize that the situation you are in now is different - in it, two people are ready to care for each other and make mature decisions together.
It is noteworthy that when fear of love is present in you, it helps to build clear but friendly boundaries of relationships at the beginning of their formation. Let your partner know that you need privacy, time to be alone, the ability to do things alone, and that this will not at all affect your love and relationship.
Remember, constantly improving yourself and being full-fledged individuals is much better than being just part of a couple. In a relationship, you should always have “air and time” for yourself, and you both should understand that there is nothing wrong with that.
How to start a conversation about feelings?
Feelings are born with loved ones. They could be spouses, parents, friends. Discussing the relationship with them will be the right move for both parties.
Before starting a conversation, consider the situation and share with your partner. In order to convey feelings and misunderstandings to your interlocutor, you must know that you are different people, and your partner may have different views, ideas, point of view. You can ask your partner for something without blaming or complaining, but by asking for help. Formulate your thought clearly so that it helps you. If you speak upset, uncertain, confused, then this is not perceived so sharply. Be sure to use first-person words in your wishes. You must have a clear goal to be heard. Therefore, speak every word clearly, clearly and precisely. Otherwise, your messages and conversations will only be for expressing your grievances, complaints, and dissatisfaction. In addition to mutual claims and negative feelings in your relationship, there are also feelings of affection and love. So, tell your loved one that you are proud of him, love him, and enjoy his actions. Do not hesitate to inform your partner about this, since then there will be few situations with mutual claims.
Feelings are a subtle and mysterious thing. If a person gets burned once, he will remember this lesson for the rest of his life. He will not open his heart and feelings to another person until he is sure of his attitude. He will remain silent until confidence comes. There is no point in opening your soul and talking about your feelings to a person who is indifferent to you.
Good luck to you. Let your relationships with your loved ones, loved ones and friends become more harmonious. Don't be shy about opening up your feelings to someone close to you. Get satisfaction and enjoyment from it.
Why not show tenderness?
Many men, when showing tenderness, think that they are becoming weak and powerless. They are wrong. There is no strength, rigidity, or indifference in tenderness. But these are not the only qualities that characterize people.
They have care and tenderness for people and animals. This could be mother or father, brothers or sisters, spouses. Therefore, do not be shy, give this feeling to your loved ones and enjoy. After all, there is nothing more beautiful when you see how your wife, sister or mother blooms from gentle signs of attention.
People become happy, the family becomes happier, healthier, feeling inner harmony.
Mother nature puts feeling in every living creature. Animals can openly demonstrate their tenderness, but people have complexes about the fact that if he is attentive, caring and gentle, they will sit on his neck. This is wrong, do not follow such misconceptions.
Adults should be an example for children and show warmth and tenderness. They must teach them to be affectionate, gentle and friendly. Such children will be filled with inner joy, care, sensuality, warmth and will give you the same tenderness and affection. Their future lives will also be filled with positive, joyful days. But not every one of them can raise them this way if they themselves consider it weakness and stupidity. Therefore, there are children who grow up and become callous, rigid and overly strict people. Tenderness is a wonderful feeling.
