It’s natural not to want separation and, especially, the death of a loved one. But constantly thinking about it and tormenting the object of your fears with it is not quite. How to stop being afraid of losing a loved one - read on sympaty.net.
The question of how to keep a man is not primary
– there is no need to hold anyone back, let everyone who wants to leave leave. It is important to understand how not to panic without this person. The answer: increase self-sufficiency and awareness of your own worth. Then the fear of being abandoned decreases.
Why does the obsessive fear of losing a loved one arise?
A psychologist's advice on how to overcome the fear of losing a loved one must come only after finding out what exactly and why the client who comes with such a problem is afraid. And the roots of fear can be very different!
For example:
- Autophobia, that is, phobia of loneliness, is a strong fear of living and acting alone. Autophobes sometimes cling with all their might to any relationship, even not very successful ones, just to avoid the period of “selfhood”. Sometimes these relationships are really bad and the partner is trying to leave, but the autophobe holds him/her back, horrified by the separation.
- Learned helplessness and infantilism. If her immediate environment has inspired a woman that she can’t do anything without a man (this one in particular or anyone else), then she will be afraid that he will leave.
- And the constant anxiety that he will leave her can be instilled in the girl by the manipulator himself. The basis of fear then also lies in learned (instilled by the abuser) helplessness, and a man can “punish” with threats of his departure for any behavior he does not like.
- If a woman constantly worries “I’m afraid of losing the man I love,” obsessive thoughts can be caused by negative previous experiences - for example, if previous gentlemen abandoned her, long-term relationships did not work out, etc.
- Unreliable, non-reciprocal, unequal relationships. The girl is almost looking for a white dress, and the guy is barely allowing himself to be persuaded to go on infrequent dates. Then the anxiety about his possible departure is not unfounded, but the problem is excessive expectations.
- Jealousy (far-fetched or not unreasonable).
Where is the line between ordinary fear and phobia?
What is the difference between fear and phobia? Psychologists distinguish phobia from fear simply - they find out the cause of the condition and give it a clear description.
Every person is exposed to fear, depending on life situations - this is a healthy reaction of the body to the danger that has arisen. Fear, inherent in a person by nature, arises only at the moment of obvious danger and disappears with its disappearance.
A person who suffers from a phobia of fear of losing loved ones does not come into direct contact with the object that causes fear (it is imaginary, invisible). Unlike the obvious danger, you cannot hide, get rid of or run away from a phobia. At the subconscious level, it haunts everywhere and destroys the human psyche.
A person suffering from a phobia, despite the fact that he is aware of the illogicality of what is happening (fear for no reason), cannot control and suppress these feelings in himself. Thus, a phobia is not a healthy defensive reaction, but a pathological fear that completely takes over the mind.
Advice! To cope with a phobia, they turn to a practicing psychologist.
What if he leaves?
What to do if you are afraid of losing a loved one? To begin with, understand what else you are afraid of losing with him. There are many situations when women are terrified that their husband will want to divorce - and the reason is the anxiety of being left without housing, finances, social circle, etc.
Therefore, the most important advice from “Beautiful and Successful” is that even in the most cloudless relationships, it is important to make sure that your well-being, comfort and self-realization do not depend on the presence of this person. So that his hypothetical departure does not become a disaster for you, forcing you to go out into the cold in your underpants. Work, develop social connections and hobbies, acquire personal property.
It’s much easier to survive a breakup with your friends over a sushi set and white semi-dry in the kitchen of your apartment than in a panicked search for a roof over your head and a part-time job for the first time.
And even if the problem is not financial dependence, it is important to realize that separations and periods of independence are not tragedies, that for you they will not turn into an irreparable void.
With experience, separations are not as painful as in youth
Many people are very afraid of being abandoned in their youth, believing that they start every relationship “for life.” And subsequently, having experienced many affairs, they stop worrying in advance that the relationship may end, and enjoy it as long as it is comfortable for both parties.
It is especially important to learn to break up with toxic partners who manipulate your fear of separation - then the threat of leaving completely loses its power over you.
If a person behaves in such a way that you cannot get rid of the impression that he is about to disappear, he is probably not trying to somehow reassure you and strengthen the relationship. Probably, he either does not attach much importance to this relationship, or is thus “bargaining” for conditions that are favorable to him. And the best solution is to leave first!
Symptoms and manifestations of phobia
You can identify a phobia of fear of losing a loved one by the corresponding symptoms that are sure to appear, and among them are the following:
- excessive and constant worry about a loved one, frequent calls, all kinds of advice, unnecessary instructions;
- constant expectation of negative events, thoughts and fantasies that “drill” into the psyche;
- quarrels turning into scandals when situations arise when a loved one needs to leave, even for a short time;
- rejection of arguments and facts that indicate the absurdity of the situation;
- constant, intense horror and fear from the thought that a loved one is in serious danger, but in fact there is no reason for concern;
- obsessive thoughts constantly spinning in your head about how terrible it would be to be left alone after breaking up with your loved one (spouse);
- pre-fainting and fainting states just from the thought that a loved one might leave;
- persistent weakness, shaking, or fever;
- pressure instability;
- tachycardia and chest pain;
- headaches and increased sweating of palms;
- constant fixation on one's feelings.
The age category of people suffering from phobia is from 30 to 50 years.
What if you are afraid not of separation, but of the death of a loved one?
A similar, but still different situation is if you are visited by the thoughts “I’m afraid of losing loved ones.” How to overcome this fear if it concerns death and not separation?
Sometimes this is also associated with learned helplessness and an infantile desire to rely on a partner in everything. The fear that he might suddenly die, in this case, is akin to the fear of seeing his parents die (which, for natural reasons, is more likely).
But still, fears of this kind usually have more specific “catalysts”. This could be, for example, someone who has already experienced the death or the risky behavior of a person for whom you are worried - his dangerous job, extreme hobby, manner of ignoring safety rules, etc.
In such cases, you need to work with a psychologist or psychotherapist. It is especially important to get rid of this phobia if, under the sauce “I love you and want you to be safe,” you begin to limit and suppress your loved one with your suffocating care.
Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. Author: Daria Blinova. Learn more about the site's authors.
How to get rid of the fear of losing a loved one?
Illustrative photo: Pixel.com The popular term “sticking” today is applicable to different areas of human life. We become glued to phone screens, TV shows and books to escape from reality, and also to people.
“Sticking” occurs when a person does not have healthy self-sufficiency. When there is no support within himself, he begins to look for support in the outside world.
Such help often becomes a partner whom you can serve, whom you can “pray” to, whom you can save, whom you need to protect, whom you can take care of, and to whom you can devote yourself. Very soon it becomes impossible to let go of such a partner - too much has been invested in him.
And then fear appears. Fear of losing. A person “sticks” to his partner, begins to live his life, tries to solve his problems, and the entire focus of his attention ends up there. Such a person becomes like an “ocean of love.” However, this ocean becomes too much for one.
A healthy relationship must have balance. According to the law of balance, you can be in the black, or you can be in the minus. Balance is the approximately equal importance of partners for each other.
For example: if you always need confirmation of your importance to your partner, then you are at a disadvantage. You miss his attention. And if your partner is boring and burdensome to you, you cannot “breathe” with him, you are tired of his jealousy and are tormented by the feeling of guilt that you do not pay enough attention to him - you are in the black, but your partner is in the minus.
Let's assume that a person is in the red. He begins to invade the personal boundaries of his partner. His behavior becomes a heavy burden for another. The partner withdraws. The person in the red is afraid of losing it. It is even more imposed, and the partner on the plus side withdraws more and more.
Such a scale finally falls and loses balance. In this situation, the partner, as a rule, soon leaves the person in the red, perhaps forever.
If neither you nor your partner have any grievances or complaints, you both have enough attention, and when apart you moderately miss each other, it means there is balance in your relationship.
The story about “halves of the same whole” is greatly exaggerated. Each person in a couple is whole and free. Everyone can do what they want, go where they want, dress and generally look however they like. Only manipulators put pressure on their partner’s opinion.
Become a healthy selfish person: take care of yourself, respect your boundaries, find an interesting hobby. Realize that you are an individual and you have your own life. Your experiences, victories and failures. You and only you are responsible for yourself.
The creator of Gestalt therapy, Friedrich Perls, suggested saying to yourself: “I am me, and you are you. I do my job, and you do yours. I do not live in this world to meet your expectations, and you do not live to meet mine. And if we found each other by chance, that's great. If not, it can’t be helped.”
This text helps relieve anxiety and regain your center. When our center is within us, and not in another person, fear disappears.
Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/relationship/1893424-kak-izbavitsa-ot-straha-poterat-lubimogo-celoveka/
Possible consequences
The main consequence of androphobia is loneliness, absence of family and children. Fears prevent you from meeting a man; a woman risks being left alone. And some women cannot even build a career because they have difficulty communicating with their boss. In some cases, the phobia leads to isolation.
A woman suffers from disharmony within herself. Every person has feminine and masculine energy, feminine and masculine qualities. For full self-realization, the ability to combine masculine and feminine principles is important. If a woman is afraid of men, it means that she is afraid of a part of herself, she is giving up a part of herself.
Diagnostics and testing
Fear of men is one of the most complex phobias. It is complicated in that it has several varieties and a lot of possible causes. Therefore, it is better to entrust the diagnosis to a professional. The specialist will analyze the client’s life history and development, find the root cause of the phobia and determine the severity of the disease. The specialist will also determine whether there are other psychological disorders.
It is important! Only a psychotherapist will explain the psychology of a particular case and tell you how to overcome your fear of men. There is no special testing to identify a phobia, but a psychologist will select a set of tests to diagnose a person.
Fear of rejection is harmful to life
Fear is like a beacon that warns of danger. If the beam is too bright, it hits the eyes and the helmsman becomes disorientated. Paralyzing fear destroys what they are afraid of losing.
Man strives for pleasure and avoids pain. The pain of losing health, family, home and life itself is equal in significance to the suffering of losing respect, affection, money and power over people. The fear of being rejected came from the fear of losing love, and losing favor meant in primitive times expulsion from the tribe. Thus, genetic memory equates the fear of rejection with the fear of dying of hunger alone.
If a man is refused by the woman he loves, this will not cause him to die of starvation. But suicide is possible if this man has inflated the price of a particular woman’s love to the price of his own life. The sufferer is not satisfied with the real reason for her refusal, he comes up with his own - he is not worthy of the love of any woman. Thus, the fear of future failures kills him.
Know yourself - learn to love
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan offers a working method that allows you to understand all the reasons for your fears. Classes are held in online training format. This training will help you understand yourself, better understand your desires and capabilities, and learn to understand various conditions. Thanks to this, fears and anxieties will be left behind, making way for new wonderful feelings. Join those who have already overcome their fears! You can register for free lectures here: https://www.yburlan.ru/training
Author of the publication: Alexandra Veryaskina, teacher of Russian language and literature
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”
