Crises of family life: which years occur and how to overcome them

All couples standing on the threshold of the registry office hope for a long and happy marriage and are confident that betrayal, quarrels, and especially divorce will not affect them. However, the cruel statistics are inexorable: in Russia in 2017, 1 million marriages were officially registered, and more than 600 thousand broke up. Psychologists carefully study these figures. Since the middle of the 20th century, they have been collecting and summarizing them, highlighting the most turning points - the so-called crises of family life, when the likelihood of a divorce process is maximum.

Today, family psychology has extensive data on this issue. This allows spouses to be warned about upcoming difficulties at one stage or another and to prepare for them. In the future, this should reduce the number of divorces. If you feel that something has changed in your relationship with your significant other, you may simply be in the state of one of these crises.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

What is necessary to avoid problems in family relationships?

Regardless of the form of family organization, for its existence and development all basic functions must be performed:

• educational (satisfying the need for motherhood and fatherhood);
• household (vital needs for food, society);
• emotional (needs for psychological protection, support, recognition);
• spiritual (the need for joint leisure);
• sexual-erotic (satisfaction of intimate needs).

The priority of these functions for each pair is set individually. Over time, other needs may take first place. However, if at least one of them remains unsatisfied, problems of interpersonal relationships in the family arise. The pace of modern life has added stress to the family system, making it a psychological refuge from constant stress.

With the development of the psychology of family relationships, married couples increasingly began to resort to the services of practicing medical consultants or use thematic literature to find a way out of a crisis situation or try to prevent it in principle. The collected experience allowed psychologists to develop criteria that determine the positive development of family relationships:

• The vector of each spouse should be directed towards the other half; it is necessary to develop the ability to understand, listen, and take into account the tastes and opinions of the partner.
• Trust, love, respect, confidence in the strength of the relationship - this is what strengthens a marriage.
• It is equally important to have a separate living space, even if rented, where you can relax while maintaining your spouse’s personal space.
• Normal intimate life.

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

1. Birth of the first child.
2. A child's acquisition of speech.
3. His admission to school.
4. His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
5. “Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
6. Children creating their own families.
7. My wife's menopause.
8. Decreased libido in husband.
9. Mastering new roles - grandparents.
10. Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
• adultery;
• conflicts with other people;
• housing problems;
• change in the social status of one of the spouses;
• excessive load;
• state of divorce;
• domestic violence;
• adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

What a modern family can be like

The formation of full-fledged family relationships is strongly influenced by one of the recognized forms of their existence:

• Traditional marriage (civil/church). It is aimed, first of all, at the protection and protection of the younger generation, but at the same time it has the largest number of legalized rules, traditions, and prohibitions regarding the relationship between spouses.
• Unregistered marriage. Joint housekeeping, living together, but no documents confirming this relationship.
• Alternative family forms (time-bound, interrupted, dating, Swedish, etc.)

In modern society, the main reason for the existence of a family is to care for the younger generation. The child becomes the center of his parents' life. For his sake, they are able to sacrifice their studies, work, and career. Private life and equal participation of spouses in the upbringing process are becoming dominant principles, which has led to an understanding of the need to plan for future children. The Russian mentality dictates its terms, bringing intimate and emotional attachment to the fore. However, hypertrophied parental duty has led to a certain shift in the framework of marital relations.

The decline in the value of traditional marriage and the emergence of alternative types of relationships between a man and a woman have blurred the basic criteria of a family, which, in turn, has deprived the specificity of the definition of the rights and responsibilities of spouses and their main marital role.

The problem of family relations between a man and a woman has become especially noticeable against the background of the so-called civil marriage, which does not have documentary evidence. The absence of responsibilities to society creates in a man a feeling of a certain freedom while fully solving everyday problems and providing him with family comfort. However, in terms of determining the paternity of the unborn child, the last word remains with the woman, who has the right to decide for herself whose name will appear on the birth certificate.

A strange situation arises: on the one hand, freedom of relations, which allows each spouse to maintain personal space, and on the other, psychological and economic vulnerability. Such a connection is especially painful for women who have a genetic desire for a stable existence and confidence in the future for themselves and their children.

It turns out that the model of its education is very important for the well-being of a family. Only in the case of equal participation in decision making and correct distribution of marital roles can we talk about stable, developing family relationships. The meaning of the term “marriage” is movement side by side, “in one harness.”

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

• 1-2 years - birth of a child;
• 3-6 years - the child masters speech;
• 7-9 years old - entry to school;
• 10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
• 15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
• 20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
• 25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

• 1 year;
• 3 years;
• 7 years;
• 10 years;
• 15 years;
• 20 years;
• 25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

Risks of divorce and marital experience by year

1-2 years after wedding – high level of risk

This is the moment when betrayal occurs in a poorly chosen marriage. It is easier for spouses to get a divorce during this period than to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. After all, if something doesn’t work, it’s easier to quit, leave and start over.

According to the online publication Fatherly, up to 20% of marriages break up in the initial period. At the same time, men cheat more often in the first year of marriage - women come to cheat later.

3-4 years after marriage – average risk level

Couples decide to have children on average 2-4 years after marriage (although, of course, some want to have them immediately or within a year). However, having children does not guarantee stability. Relationships in a couple change greatly, attention switches from the partner to the offspring, which causes stress. Therefore, the quality of marriage may decrease during this period.

5-8 years after marriage – high level of risk

The period when satisfaction with the relationship begins to decline significantly. According to statistics, most marriages break up after 5-8 years of marriage. If the couple has not divorced during this time, this may be due to the high pace of life or the length of legal proceedings, although the decision to break up may simply be postponed “until better times.”

9-15 years after marriage – low risk

After 9 years of marriage, the likelihood of divorce gradually decreases. Psychology proves that this period is the least dangerous for couples - age plays a big role. During this time, we get used to our new life, focus on family and even career. This is the moment when the quality of the relationship definitely improves. The reason, among other things, is that the children are already grown up.

16-20 years after marriage – average risk level

A turning point in the family life of many people. Assuming that the average person gets married between the ages of 25 and 30, we reach 20 years of marriage experience before we turn 50. Divorce at that age is common these days. After their 50th birthday, partners are also looking for alternatives. This often happens if family has so far been more important than self-realization.

General points

Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:

1. Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
2. Decline in sexual activity.
3. Irritability towards your significant other.

There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:

1. Constructive when the marriage survives.
2. Destructive when a couple files for divorce.

If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.

Advice from psychologists for overcoming the crisis

To reduce the intensity of crisis periods, it is very important to follow the following recommendations:
• respect the personal space of your chosen one, give him the opportunity to do any business, develop and grow as an individual;
• know how to talk about all problematic issues, try to look at them through the eyes of your partner, look for a solution, and don’t get hung up on proving that you’re right;
• work together to build ideal family relationships, create your own family rules and traditions;
• always be interested in the life of your partner, do not lose emotional and spiritual closeness - this will help you control the relationship and address the threat of crisis in time;
• in difficult situations, seek help from specialists. At the same time, if your partner refuses to go to a psychologist, you can get an individual consultation, talking about your problems and desires to save your family.

Each crisis experienced makes your couple stronger and stronger. You get to know your partner and yourself from other sides, discover new facets in relationships, reach a new level - better and more harmonious. The main thing you need to understand is that for a constructive resolution of the crisis, you need the mutual desire of the partners to save the family and continue your personal love story. Communicate more, trust each other, be honest and open, try to please your partner, surprise and don’t be afraid to experiment, create romance and fill your relationship with warmth and harmony - and then no crises can destroy your love, adding more and more embers of respect to its fire , passion and emotional intimacy.

1-2 years

Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).

a brief description of

The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.

However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).

Causes:

• discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
• uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
• mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
• mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
• financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
• living together with parents.

Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.

The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.

Psychologist's advice

To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:

1. Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
2. Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
3. Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
4. Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
5. Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.

If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.

If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.

Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.

How to properly resolve conflicts and relationship problems in the family

Many people believe that the essence of a successful marriage or the reason for its breakdown are specific problems: raising children, maintaining a family budget, distributing household responsibilities. This is not entirely true. Rather, what matters is the way spouses choose to discuss sensitive issues. Although it may be enough to agree in advance on how to express different points of view so that no one is offended. This will help reduce passions, cope with negative emotions and maintain relationships.

We demonstrate with examples how a destructive behavior strategy works and give advice on how to resolve conflicts correctly.

1. Harsh criticism

From an excess of emotions, expressing dissatisfaction with a partner’s actions can sound like hostility towards the person himself, and not towards his action. Such a negative attitude sometimes carries a more destructive emotional impact than justified criticism of behavior.

Sensible spouses express their dissatisfaction openly, without getting personal. It's very easy to do. When making a complaint, the wife specifically explains what exactly upset her and condemns her husband’s action, not his own, while indicating her reaction to what happened: “When you didn’t pick up my clothes from the dry cleaner, I decided that you had become indifferent to me.” . The emotional message here sounds affirmative, but not aggressive or passive.

If she wants to blame her husband for all the shortcomings at once, then the criticism becomes personal: “You are an irresponsible egoist, you cannot be trusted with anything.” Such epithets will not add enthusiasm to anyone. An adult will feel ashamed, as if he has been caught in some kind of wrongdoing, he will feel guilty, and will feel hostility from his partner. In such a situation, he will most likely decide to defend himself rather than correct the misunderstanding.

The problem of family relationships between a man and a woman is aggravated if criticism is accompanied by contemptuous statements, angry intonation, and an angry facial expression. The most offensive are ridicule and insults such as “nonentity”, “rag”, “scoundrel”.

The language of gestures and facial expressions adds negativity, very clearly conveying contemptuous emotions. It could be a malicious grin, a glance raised to the ceiling, corresponding to the words: “What a type you are!”

Solution: communicate without accusations.

Spouses know well how to label or prick each other more painfully: “You are selfish!”, “You are heartless!”, “You are incapable of feelings!”, “You are not independent!”, “You consider me property!”, “You You always demand something!”

Try to get rid of such expressions by using a method of communication without accusations. As a result, verbal duels and skirmishes will stop, and attention will shift to the real problem.

To do this, you need to make a specific effort and try to shift the emphasis: show dissatisfaction with what he did or did not do, but do not get personal, do not humiliate or insult, do not express a feeling of contempt.

Complaints should be constructive, talking about suffering resulting from some action or behavior, and not due to bad character. Angry treatment will only lead to the fact that the other half will be forced to defend itself or simply shut up. This situation will not relieve tension; on the contrary, it will only worsen the situation.

2.Wall of silence

Sharp expressions of negative emotions can only trigger one of two reactions: “fight or flight.” The desire to return blow to blow more often causes a surge of the same emotional reproaches. This path does not give any result except mutual insults and shouting. Fleeing from the battlefield is even more harmful when trying to solve the problem of interpersonal relationships in the family, especially if the result of the “escape” is stubborn silence and refusal to communicate.

The wall of silence is the last line of defense. The silent man goes on the defensive with a stony expression on his face, falling silent for a long time and ignoring all attempts to stir him up.

This emotional signal is something of a combination of icy reserve, superiority, and hostility.

According to psychologists, such a wall of silence is a sure sign of a deteriorating relationship. In 85% of cases, the husband used this weapon of defense, withdrawing into himself in response to his wife’s endless claims, expressed with a feeling of contempt on his face.

The erection of such a barrier has a destructive effect on relationships, excluding any possibility of reconciliation and resolving differences.

Solution: openly discuss emerging problems.

The power of the voice and the ability to use it to take control of a situation are most often used in practice by women, although there are exceptions. So this advice is more likely for the male half.

Husbands should not shy away from conflict, because wives behave this way with good intentions. Expressing grievances or disagreements can be considered a manifestation of love, a desire to maintain a strong relationship, although the motives for female hostility may be completely different.

If mutual grievances accumulate and simmer for a long time, then aggravation is inevitable, sooner or later an explosion will occur. But if controversial issues are discussed to the end each time, without allowing irritation and unspoken complaints to accumulate, the release of tension will not be so painful.

Recommended articles on this topic:

• Why the husband does not sleep with his wife: problems and their solutions
• How to break up with a married man and start a happy life
• An affair with a married man: pros and cons

3. Poisonous thoughts

The children became so noisy that Martin, their father, was infuriated. He sarcastically asked his wife Melanie: “Darling, don’t you think it’s time to calm them down?” But in his head he formed a completely different phrase: “She allows them a lot.”

Sensing dissatisfaction in her husband’s words, Melanie felt internal irritation. Her face tensed, her eyebrows frowned sternly, and in response she said: “It’s okay if the children play before bed. They'll be heading to bed soon." But she was mentally indignant: “He’s finding fault again. You can’t please him forever.”

Martin's anger became obvious. Standing in a threatening pose and clenching his fists, he said irritably: “Maybe you’re waiting for me to put them down?” And I thought: “She constantly objects to me. We need to put her in her place.”

Martin’s outburst of rage frightened his wife, and Melanie quietly said: “What are you, what are you, I’ll put them down now.” And it flashed in my head: “I’ve completely lost my belt, as if the children wouldn’t get it. I’d rather give in.”

The founder of cognitive therapy, Iron Beck, was the first to identify the existence of parallel conversations - verbal and mental. He presented them as examples of types of thinking that can create serious problems in family relationships between a man and a woman and destroy even the strongest marriage. Real emotions are expressed in the dialogues in Martin and Melanie's heads, and the thoughts themselves appeared under the influence of another, deeper layer, which Beck called "automatic thoughts." These are subtle background assumptions about ourselves and the people around us.

This is Melanie’s thought: “He bothered me with his irritation for any reason.” And Martin will have in his head: “She doesn’t dare ignore my opinion.” In this family, the wife thinks that she is an innocent victim, and the husband is angry because, in his opinion, he is not taken into account.

A similar mental background is typical for spouses who have not found happiness in marriage. Thoughts about the status of an innocent victim, filled with righteous anger, constantly fuel mutual resentment. Once they become firmly established in the mind, confirmation of this will begin to appear automatically: a partner who believes that he is being deliberately bullied constantly monitors the actions of his spouse, looking for something in them that confirms his position as a martyr, not paying attention to positive actions that can convince him in the opposite.

Solution: get rid of the pessimistic pattern.

The general pattern of thoughts that can support or alleviate suffering follows psychologist Martin Seligman's model of pessimistic and optimistic attitudes.

Pessimism in a spouse causes the assumption that the partner has a bunch of shortcomings that cannot be eradicated, which is the key to torment: “He is selfish, he thinks only about himself,” “These are the results of his upbringing, they cannot be changed,” “He is sure that I will fulfill all his whims, but at the same time he is completely indifferent to how I feel.”

An optimistic spouse thinks something like this: “For some reason he has become so demanding,” “I didn’t notice this before, he was so attentive,” “He’s probably in a bad mood, maybe something happened at work.” This point of view does not question the reliability of the husband and the stability of the marriage. On the contrary, she tries to explain the unpleasant situation by introduced circumstances that may disappear or change tomorrow.

The first point of view brings only suffering, the second calms. Spouses who are in a pessimistic position are very dependent on their emotions. They easily become enraged, insult, and are acutely worried about the actions of their significant other, and therefore immediately worry when they notice the first signs of an impending attack of anger. Being in constant stress with a pessimistic attitude in relationships, they are highly likely to pour out their contempt and indignation at the moment of a collision with a partner. Such a reaction can provoke leaving the wall of silence.

4.When emotions take over reason

The essence of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your impulses to action, which underlie strong emotions. It is especially difficult to manage feelings for those who are in intimate relationships that have become the meaning of life, and will try to do everything to preserve them.

In such cases, the most secret desires come under emotional attack: the need for love and respect from a partner, the fear of being left alone or turning into an empty place for a spouse. Participation in family battles is quite natural, because the whole future life may depend on their outcome.

But a positive decision is possible only if the spouses know how to control their emotions and do not allow feelings to prevail over reason. Therefore, if there is a relationship problem in the family, an argument in favor of its speedy resolution will be advice to learn to control your own excited feelings.

In moments of stress and emotional outburst, a person practically loses the ability to listen, think and speak intelligently, so the ability to quickly calm down and not give free rein to anger is a very constructive move that helps to successfully resolve controversial issues. Solution: Don't fuel your anger.

Spouses can make an agreement in advance that at the first signs of “emotional flooding,” each has the right to take a time out in the conversation.

This is necessary in order to separate for 15–20 minutes in the midst of a quarrel, cool down and continue the discussion in a calm manner. Although this time is not enough for complete physiological recovery, which occurs gradually and takes much longer. Residual anger causes more intense anger. Waiting a long time gives the body more time to restore balance after an emotional outburst.

During a break, you can speed up the calming process by using relaxation techniques or doing some aerobics exercises. It is even more important to use willpower to neutralize toxic thoughts that provoke new attacks of anger.

If you constantly stress yourself out and get more and more angry, then no break will help. Try to highlight negative thoughts, convincing yourself that you cannot believe them. You should study the facts and opposing points of view that can influence your opinion and make you doubt your choice.

For example, an indignant wife who has convinced herself that her husband does not care about her feelings and needs could easily refute this idea herself by remembering the many cases when her husband showed care and concern for her. As a result, her thoughts would take a completely different direction.

3-6 years

Peak - 3 years (leather wedding).

a brief description of

If the first crisis of family relations has been successfully overcome, there is usually a lull for a year: the child grows, becomes more independent and interesting, parental responsibilities become a habit. However, this respite will not last long. According to statistics, most divorces occur after 3 years of marriage.

Psychologists call the crisis of three years the most dangerous of all. The couple recovers from the shock of becoming parents, and many begin to look at their partner with completely new eyes. Love transforms into a habit; not a trace remains of the former passion. Everything seems too gray, everyday and ordinary. If the spouses managed to maintain friendly relations and respect for each other, they will easily overcome this period. Otherwise, they will face divorce.

Moreover, this crisis may be quite long. It covers a period from 3 to 6 years, and the peak can fall on any of the intermediate periods. Some psychologists separately single out 5 years (wooden wedding) as the most problematic moment, since by this time the child becomes old enough, does not require special care - and the couple finally makes the decision to separate, which has been long overdue.

Causes:

• lack of common interests;
• fading feelings for each other and increasing irritability;
• against the background of the previous two factors - adultery;
• the problem of living space: if in the 1st year of family life living together with parents had its advantages, then over time this worsens the situation;
• lack of finances: the family is becoming more and more independent, you can no longer ask your parents for money, but you want to go on vacation and buy a new TV;
• the appearance of a second child;
• career growth of one of the spouses.

Virginia Satir saw the growing up of a child at the heart of this crisis. He is growing and requires more and more effort and time: to educate, develop, arrange and take him to kindergarten every day. And then it turns out that dad has no time to do all this, he shifts the responsibility to mom (in some families it happens the other way around). Or it suddenly turns out that spouses have different models of raising children. The husband grabs the belt to punish his son for his prank, and the wife rushes to the defense - a conflict is inevitable.

How to behave

1. Avoid open conflicts and quarrels.
2. Don't allow yourself to get irritated. Review your photos together more often, remember the moment you met, the wedding and the feelings that once connected you. This will help revive the extinguished flame of love.
3. Take care of yourself (dress well, exercise) so as not to give reasons for betrayal.
4. Try together to solve financial and housing problems.
5. Don't rush into having your second child.

This is the only crisis when psychologists do not recommend constructive and trusting dialogue as a way to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. As practice shows, at the moment each spouse has little secrets from each other that they will hide, and conversation will only aggravate the situation and kill mutual trust. Most often, this is an affair on the side, which it is better not for the other half to know about. In 90% of cases it turns out to be insignificant and starts only to take a break from everyday life. So you shouldn’t open a meaningless scratch so deeply.

Universal advice. To save the family at this stage, you need to fall in love with each other again. Arrange a supposedly accidental acquaintance and start everything from scratch: bouquets, dates, lace lingerie, sex in unusual places. Psychologists advise the two of you to go on a romantic trip for 2-3 weeks. Such a reboot of relationships benefits everyone - including the child, who is always happy to see happy parents together.

The most common relationship problems in the 21st century family

There are many reasons why people gradually forget about the deep feelings that underlay their life together. Let's name the most common ones.

1. Mutual misunderstanding of each other

The different opinions of men and women regarding the same situation are due to fundamental differences at the physiological level, so the problem can only be solved if this fact is realized. However, in practice, a woman desperate to reach her husband says about the reason for the divorce: “He doesn’t understand me!”

2. Gradual distance between husband and wife in personal relationships

This problem becomes quite acute when a baby is born, and the first months of his life require constant care and attention from the mother.

3. The housing problem is to blame for everything

The situation when you have to live with your husband and child in the same room in his parents’ apartment was determined historically, but few people are happy with it today. The man remained in his usual habitat, he does not want to change anything, but constant scandals and showdowns between two housewives in the same kitchen will not benefit the young family. No one can live in such conditions for long.

4.When a wife earns more than her husband

Typically, women with high social status have a strong character and, after getting married, continue to carry not only a business, but also a family: they create material well-being and at the same time run the household. Not every man will like the secondary role of a consumer, especially if he is used to making decisions on his own.

5.Dependencies

Domestic violence, the presence of harmful habits such as alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction.

6.The problem of material well-being

The shortage of money is especially acute when friends and neighbors are better off. In pursuit of providing the child with everything necessary, many women begin to constantly “peck” at their spouse, reproaching him for his insolvency and inability to earn money. However, such actions more often have the opposite result, completely discouraging a man from wanting to do anything. The best option for solving the problem of family relationships is to jointly search for a job with a high income.

7. “The boat of love crashed into everyday life”

The most common situation is when, after the candy-bouquet period, it turns out that dinner needs to be cooked at home, and money for flowers is not provided for in the family budget. And everyone’s habits in everyday life are far from romantic relationships.

8.No common goal

The desire to live together is not supported by any common deeds. Even going to the store together is not the goal of the day off. Life becomes monotonous and boring. In this case, the search for entertainment may begin on the side.

7-9 years

Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).

a brief description of

According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?

This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.

If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.

Causes:

• sexual dissatisfaction;
• adultery;
• a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
• rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
• life, routine, monotony.

Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.

At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.

Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.

How to get out of a family crisis 7 years

1. Seek help from a family psychologist.
2. Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
3. Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
4. Find a balance between work and home.
5. Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
6. Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
7. In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.

Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.

How to overcome a family crisis?

To smooth out conflicts and get out of the crisis without losses, you must adhere to the following recommendations:

• show flexibility, understanding and listening skills (this will reduce the frequency of conflicts);
• remain open to the world around us (this is a source of inspiration and new opportunities, strengths and resources);
• work on family cohesion (joint recreation, maintaining traditions, minor but constant signs of attention);
• reconsider your expectations from your partner (they are often inadequately high);
• talk about your negative and positive emotions frankly, but in a gentle manner, without insults or complaints;
• together discuss the cause of the crisis and look for ways to solve it - ways to adapt to new conditions and rebuild the family system.

If, despite all the efforts made, you cannot cope with the problem on your own, then you can seek advice from a family psychologist. Ember center specialists have helped dozens of couples successfully overcome family crises and save their families. A psychologist helps to understand the feelings of all family members, see the frustration within oneself, if there is one, take responsibility for the current situation and begin to look for a way out.

If the spouses decide to separate, the family psychologist will give recommendations on how to do this as painlessly as possible not only for themselves, but also for other family members, especially for children who may have a hard time dealing with their parents’ divorce. It is important for a specialist to take into account the desires and needs of each family member, and an individual approach guarantees a high-quality result of psychological consultations.

Also read the interview on the topic of family crises with the psychologist of our center Irina Yuryevna Prokhorova.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

• prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
• loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
• change of environment, new connections;
• job change;
• the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
• comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

1. Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
2. Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
3. Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
4. Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
5. Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
6. Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

Don't panic!

Of course, all this does not mean that a family crisis should be expected at exactly this time, even if an even, warm atmosphere reigns in the family. Very often, problems in a family are associated with personal crises of one of its members and with a lack of love. Difficulties at work, personal unfulfillment, conflicts with colleagues, illness of one of the family members - all this can create a split in one family, and on the contrary, bring it closer together in another.

But it is important to understand that everything is in your hands. A family crisis is like a cold - the main thing is to see the symptoms in time, make a diagnosis and take action!

15-19 years old

Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).

a brief description of

This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.

Causes:

• children leaving the family;
• emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
• lack of common interests;
• loss of attraction to each other;
• Each spouse lives a separate life.

How to improve relationships

1. Talk to each other.
2. Find new common ground.
3. Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
4. Go on a long trip abroad together.
5. Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
6. Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.

What can't you do?

First of all, it’s worth talking about insults. Raised conversations, excessive criticism, reproaches, ignoring - all this will definitely not improve the situation, but, on the contrary, will worsen it.

Therefore, despite the accumulated negative emotions, there is no need to offend your partner . Relationships will improve, and grievances will be stored in memory for a long time.

Also, don't be silent. Lack of communication is a serious problem. Sometimes it leads to the husband or wife looking for an interlocutor on the side.

In no case should we forget about the intimate component of marriage. Lack of sex is the path to first the extinction of passion, and then to the search for satisfaction with another person.