One of the key topics in the psychology of influence is how to learn to persuade, achieving goals even with the initial disagreement of your counterpart. This skill is important for business, personal relationships, and strengthening one’s self-esteem. However, the ability to persuade is dangerously close to manipulation, which, although effective in the short term, is very harmful in the long term.
This is the art of a competent negotiator: when achieving your goal, do not create in others the feeling that they were used, deceived and forced to do something by force. On the contrary, the interlocutor sincerely agrees with the theses proposed to him or fulfills the request, and the positive feeling remains with him in the future. Let's figure out how, when convincing a person, not to become a manipulator, but at the same time achieve success in negotiations, win over loved ones and colleagues to your side, and remain on good terms with everyone.
How to convince a person: key principles
There is a lot of literature on how to learn to persuade, but theory alone helps little. It is necessary to master practical methods of influence. This is useful from all sides: you will learn to persuade yourself and will be able to resist manipulation by recognizing the techniques of your opponents.
The fundamental principle of persuasion is the combination of logical arguments with emotions and characteristics of human psychology. This was discovered by Aristotle, the creator of the classical laws of rhetoric. Persuasion is based on the use of three components:
- pathos - an emotional component that influences feelings, creating the desired mood in the interlocutor; logos - convincing arguments that are difficult to object to;
- ethos is a reference to generally accepted authorities, positions close to a person, people whom he respects.
Another important tool of influence is the ability to quickly understand which position is close to your counterpart and create the impression in the person that you share his opinion. At the same time, one must not stoop to manipulation.
Homer's rule.
The persuasiveness of your arguments depends on their consistency. So, the most convincing series of arguments is this: strong arguments - not very strong - one is the most powerful. From this diagram it is clear that weak arguments should not be used at all. They are ineffective, since your counterpart pays attention precisely to the weak sides of the argumentation, with the help of which it will not be possible to convince him. And the point here is not in the amount of evidence, but in its validity. Moreover, it is important to remember that the impact of any argument is subjective. Each person reacts differently to the same rationale. Therefore, it is worth showing insight and knowledge of human nature.
The difference between manipulation and persuasion
To manipulate is to take without giving anything in return, to use charisma, NLP and other techniques to get benefits, even if the opponent feels deceived. These methods do not work so 100%: many people have already learned to recognize manipulation; instead of the desired result, you will get a reaction of rejection and aggression.
Manipulative tactics are insidious: even if you succeed now, later your opponent will “come to his senses”, understand that he was used and convey this information to those around him. In order to avoid being branded as a toxic person, it is important to know how you can convince a person without becoming a manipulator. To do this, give up the classics of manipulation: false questioning (clarification with a distortion of the meaning), deliberate haste, demonstrative indifference, excessive rage inappropriate for the occasion, or “syrup” servility.
Results
Let's remember once again all the tips that will help you convince other people:
- Don't be honest. Honesty can be perceived as toughness and stubbornness, regardless of your intentions. Be polite and slow down.
- Don't try to ensure that the answer is always "yes". This ploy puts people on the defensive. Make sure the answer is no.
- Agree with all accusations. Acknowledge all complaints against you and try to smooth them out.
- Let them feel like they are in control. People want independence. Ask questions and help them feel in control.
- Get the answer “Yes, that’s right.” This way you can start collaborating.
- Identify leverage points. Listen, listen, listen.
- Ask stupid questions. Let your opponents solve your problems.
How to learn to convince people
If you want to truly convince someone, you need to follow the rule of responding. If you offer something first, make a “nice gesture,” the person will have a desire to thank or at least “give.” Often people in such a situation give more than they received. It is important to understand: the rule does not mean that you will automatically achieve your goal - only that you will create such an emotional hook in your opponent. Here are striking examples:
- nice optional gifts for seasonal holidays (or any occasion);
- free samples of goods that make you come back for a “full” purchase;
- services that you provide free of charge to neighbors, relatives, colleagues and which evoke a feeling of the need to “repay the debt.”
Another way to convince your opponent is to use the law of friendship. People will do more for their friends, but you need to approach the person you're interested in the right way. It is important to look for something for which you can sincerely praise your opponent, give a compliment that will not look like a stretch and manipulation.
To get close to people easily, always pay attention to how you look, how neat and appropriate your clothes are, and whether you carry yourself confidently. Try to show that you treat the person well, and he will want to meet you halfway. Finally, in order to force someone to listen to you, you can influence your counterpart psychologically - influence his consciousness with words and non-verbal techniques (remembering the dangers of manipulation).
Principles of Persuasive Speech
Step number one
Before conveying your idea to others, you need to clearly formulate it for yourself and be deeply confident in your idea. Thanks to this, you will be able to maintain an unshakable position during discussions or other debates.
Step number two
Speech must be competent, structured, integral, thoughtful, consistent and logical. Yes, you can joke where the style requires it, the main thing is to do it smartly and beautifully. Humor will help everyone relax and feel at home. Such speech is better perceived and remembered by listeners.
Step number 3
An effective introduction is important to attract the interlocutor from the first minute, arouse interest, build trust, and create a good-natured atmosphere. During your speech, provide evidence-based arguments to support your speech, convey to your listeners reliable information from trusted sources.
Step number 4
Present information with an audience orientation. It is correct to build a conversation strategy, taking into account the hostility of the listeners, restraint, disagreement, favor and good nature of the public.
Psychological techniques
For those who want to become persuasive, it is useful to know about such techniques and be able to use them. Often basic techniques are enough - for example, links to the majority. According to research, 85% of the world's population are conformists, for whom the argument of “correct” behavior is very powerful. It is enough to refer to the majority opinion or generally accepted norms, and the scales will tip in your favor.
The principle of contrast also works well - it is often used in sales. A person is offered objects with a very noticeable difference - in favor of what needs to be sold. Other effective techniques:
- “second offer”: a person is made the first, obviously unprofitable, and he refuses, and then the second - a kind of concession (exactly what should have been achieved initially), and the opponent, “rehabilitating” after the refusal or making a compromise, agrees;
- fast speech: if you speak clearly, quickly, you look more convincing - this can be learned in rhetoric courses;
- reframing - “turning” a negative statement in a positive way, using positive rhetoric;
- open questions with a positive answer - let the person speak out and get consent in principle, and then it will be easier;
- visual and tactile contact - you need to be careful here, but if you break this invisible barrier, achieving agreement will become much easier;
- strong arguments come last, then they will be better remembered.
Don't be honest
Straightforwardness and honesty are admirable qualities.
But if you engage them fully in an argument, your opponent may feel that you are too pushy and rude. If you don't listen, don't seek mutual understanding, and aren't willing to put yourself in the other person's shoes, an easily solvable problem can turn into a real battle. But you don't want to start a war. Therefore, be polite and careful in your expressions.
Chris Voss
author, former FBI hostage negotiation and rescue specialist
“I am a direct and honest person. I will speak openly and honestly because I want people to speak honestly and openly with me.” You shouldn't think like that. Another person may perceive your honesty as harshness and aggressiveness. If I feel that my direct and honest approach may be perceived as an attack, I will try to mislead the opponent and focus on solving the problem. This way the interlocutor will not feel that I am attacking him.
Negotiation books often advise getting straight to the point. But they don’t say that such tactics can be regarded as an attack. Better slow down. Smile. Speak in a friendly and calm manner.
Examples of Persuasion
Reframing: use positive connotations of “pro” or “for” instead of the word “anti.” For example, the social movement is called “for nature” and not “against development”.
Open questions: “What do you think about...”, “How do you feel about...”.
Emotional argument (curiosity, trust, etc.): “Honestly, the promotion has already ended, but we’ll try to extend it for you,” “The backlight in this kettle changes color from blue to red when the water boils.”
Of course, all these skills need to be honed with professional trainers. The Oratoris school of public speaking invites everyone who wants to become persuasive, successfully negotiate, and defend their point of view. You will learn how to persuade anyone without becoming a manipulator, and how to win supporters while maintaining the ethics of influence.
The power of motivation
Motivation, which initiates and guides behavior, often arises as a result of the use of incentives that have a certain value and significance.
The impact of an incentive is greatest when it is part of a meaningful goal and indicates a favorable reward-cost ratio. Imagine asking people to donate a few hours to participate in a charity program.
Most likely, the time you convince them to spend will not be perceived as an incentive reward, but as a cost. How to convince people? you can present this charitable work as a significant incentive that provides rewards.
For example, you can make the public feel the importance of the cause, feel socially responsible, people with a sense of civic duty, feel like noble helpers. Always show that the incentives and rewards outweigh the costs.
Use incentives that match people's basic needs, they work better. According to one popular theory of needs, people express a greater propensity to act when a stimulus offered by the speaker can satisfy an important unmet need of the listeners.
The strength of the arguments is related to your position and social status.
In this case, your own authority plays into your hands, so it will be even easier to convince a person. In fact, success, social level and merit give a person weight in the eyes of others and make his arguments weighty and authoritative. By the way, this technique is actively used in advertising of medicines, cosmetics, and baby food, when cosmetologists and doctors are involved in the process. Or when sports products are advertised by famous athletes.
