How can you understand that unhealthy notes have begun to sound in your relationship with a partner or other loved one? After all, there is often no clear line between “healthy” and “toxic” - everything is subjective.
Recently Olesya made an appointment with me for a consultation. In a preliminary letter, she said the following: “My husband and I have been together for three years, got married a year ago. At first everything was fine. But gradually they began to swear more and more. The husband does not find a common language with anyone. Not with my family, not with my own. It's starting to overwhelm me. I was told it was a toxic relationship. I would like to know if this is true or not and what to do about it.”
Any problems in a relationship are a reason to contact a family psychologist. So, we'll figure it out. First, let's dot the i's.
What is a toxic relationship: definition by psychologists
Healthy interpersonal relationships are always balanced by reciprocity, a person's self-determination, and the person's ability to choose. As a result, there is an exchange of pleasures, emotional enrichment, and personal growth of both partners. Toxic relationships are always marked by a strong dependency factor. We are not talking about the interdependence of loving couples, when this factor is balanced by adequate self-criticism and the possibility of personal autonomy on the part of both partners.
Our dictionary
Toxic relationships are interpersonal interactions where there is some kind of pressure and negative influence. The individual feels like a victim of circumstances, unable to cope with basic difficulties.
In a toxic relationship, one of the partners (the victim) loses his autonomy, independence and freedom of choice, which leads to low self-esteem and emotional or physical exploitation. As a result, the dominant partner changes the way his victim thinks, determining what is right and what is wrong. Then he sets rules that the “victim” must follow in order to change the situation. The victim of a toxic relationship, in turn, endlessly complains about life and does not find a way out of the current situation.
On a note
Today it is fashionable to use the term “relationship toxicity.” Many people use it to refer to offensive behavior that hurts or offends others. However, before defining a relationship as toxic, careful analysis is necessary. Sometimes a person's behavior hides a mood disorder or personality disorder. And this requires a different approach.
Toxic relationships are one-sided, where one partner is “enslaved” by the other, becoming emotionally dependent. This addiction is very similar to drug addiction, with the only difference being that the poisonous object in this case is not a substance, but a person.
Signs of a Toxic Relationship
The manifestations of dysfunctional relationships are usually clearly visible to outsiders. Let us dwell in more detail on the main features of such relationships.
Fear
You are constantly afraid. In relationships, we are all afraid that it will end. And that's okay. But if you're afraid of your partner's reaction to you being late, burning dinner, telling your girlfriends about your relationship, or anything else, that's downright toxic. You should never be afraid of your partner for any reason.
Of course, we all get nervous for one reason or another. But fear and nerves are not the same thing. You should feel secure in a healthy relationship. If you don't feel safe with your partner mentally, emotionally, or physically, then your relationship is toxic.
Guilt
One of the main signs of a toxic relationship. You constantly feel guilty, no matter if you did something wrong. This feeling does not leave you even when your partner is away.
To avoid possible criticism, yelling or scolding, you are afraid to do many things, even those that you consider necessary. When starting a conversation with your partner, you subconsciously expect rejection and criticism of your words and actions. It is this formed feeling of constant guilt that allows your partner to successfully manipulate any of your actions, and at the same time feel at the top of the situation.
At the same time, the obligation to constantly ask permission gives you a feeling of limitation and lack of freedom, as if you were in prison
Loss of trust
Toxic relationships lack sincerity. If there is a loss of trust between a man and a woman, in the future it becomes difficult to make decisions together, to act together, based on certain needs. Normally, people who decide to link their destinies try to help each other in many ways. When there is no trust, many things lose meaning. Gradually people become distant and do not know what connects them with each other.
Low self-esteem
The inability to value yourself, sooner or later, will definitely lead to the fact that along the path of life you will meet a person who will use you. Often this happens completely unconsciously, which is why many people don’t notice.
The problem becomes pronounced, especially long after people start living together. Low self-esteem contributes to the fact that a person withdraws into himself and is inferior to his partner in everything. There is a kind of substitution of reality. This is a situation where there is no understanding of one’s self. The individual does not realize that he may have separate desires and aspirations.
The need to obey in everything and always does not strengthen the marriage union. The feeling of insignificance does not happen by chance. Probably, in childhood, parents did not give the opportunity to open up and suppressed any expectations in every possible way.
Emptyness and lack of interest in life
Do you do everything possible to make your partner happy and satisfied, strive to receive approval and praise from him, but do not receive any positive feelings and emotions in return? This means that the moment is approaching when you will feel emptiness and hopelessness around you.
If a feeling of emptiness and lack of interest in life has become your constant companion, then this is a sign that it’s time to sound the alarm. After all, there is only one step left to sustainable depression, fraught with the decision to commit suicide.
This condition is very dangerous, and it is necessary to try to break out of this vicious circle. Even the painful way of breaking up a relationship.
Sign No. 1. The “victim and tyrant” scheme
First, let's figure out who is who. With the concept of “victim” everything is more or less clear. She can't even imagine that the relationship could end. As for the abuser, this is a person who mentally abuses his partner. Having learned about the weak point, he begins to constantly wound. The goal is to make the other person feel absolutely insignificant. Often this is done publicly in order to cause more harm. The consequence of this behavior is that the victim becomes even more dependent on the abuser.
Article on the topic Iphigenia Syndrome. Should a woman sacrifice herself? On the other hand, a stronger partner can also portray the victim in order to manipulate another person. In such relationships there is a lot of jealousy, explosive emotions, and mutual resentment. Someone constantly leaves and returns. Someone suggests that he cannot live without you.
How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship Early on
Unfortunately, many signs of a toxic relationship with a man are difficult to detect early on. Therefore, American psychologist Sherry Bur Carter in her book “High Octane Women: How the Super Modern Can Avoid Burnout” suggests asking yourself a few simple questions, and honest answers to them will help you understand whether a relationship with a man is toxic or not. After spending some time with a man, try asking yourself these questions and answer them sincerely:
- Are there facts that make my life worse and change my personality?
- Has my self-esteem worsened?
- When you are with this person, do you feel a sense of security and satisfaction, or, on the contrary, do you feel dissatisfaction and uncertainty?
- Do you try to satisfy your partner's desires just to avoid criticism or intimidation from him?
- Do you experience fear and an unpleasant feeling that you are not accepted for who you are?
- Are you being asked to change or change the basic principles of your life?
- Does your partner get angry when you disagree with something?
If more than half of the answers are affirmative, your relationship with a man bears all the signs of toxicity and this relationship needs to be terminated.
Types of Toxic People
The typology of toxic people is built in accordance with their method of communication and emphasis in behavior.
- Judge - “You’re doing everything wrong: you’re thinking, walking, cooking, and even breathing. I'm trying to correct you, but you don't listen. That’s why I can criticize you, humiliate you, scold you.”
- The overseer-manipulator does not even hide his intentions and is not interested in the opinions and feelings of the victim. Any conversations and clarifications lead to the conclusion that he is “forced” to be around contrary to his plans and desires.
- A lawyer unceremoniously interferes in all areas of life under the guise of extreme necessity; suddenly an earthquake happens, and you’ve been planning for a long time. Total control and regulation even in small everyday situations. Punishment for all “violations” and misdeeds.
- A romantic is a ruthless tempter and owner who will betray at any moment, and then declare that the victim herself is to blame, “forced” him with her attitude. Impulsive, unpredictable, but always reacts in time if the dependent person is tired and is about to end the conversation.
- The highest mind - considers itself a celestial being, competent in all areas of life, does not tolerate any wrangling. He tries not to finish speaking, leaving important points for later in order to escalate the situation and watch the victim’s painful wait.
In any case, you must understand that you have passed the thorny path of trials and are ready for a renewed life, filled with joyful desire.
Consequences of a toxic relationship
If you managed to end a toxic relationship, then even if it happened at an early stage, you don’t need to think that it passed without a trace for you. Toxic relationships cause emotional wounds and, like physical wounds, they require healing. Sometimes it’s long lasting.
Decreased self-esteem
First of all, you get more or less destroyed self-esteem and decreased self-confidence. Moreover, the degree of destruction depends on the duration of the relationship. The longer you stay with such a man, the more difficult it will be to subsequently regain self-respect and raise your own self-esteem.
The consequences of such relationships can remain for a long time. You will believe that there will always be something wrong with you. No matter what you do, you will consider yourself incompetent, stupid, ugly. You will begin to blame only yourself for everything, believing that others suffer because of you. Nothing will bring you pleasure.
Emotional exhaustion
Being in a toxic relationship, a woman constantly experiences emotional stress, which does not go in vain. Toxic relationships leave a woman psychologically damaged by disrupting her emotional balance. The result of toxic relationships is always emotional and even physical exhaustion, which is not easy to recover.
Living in constant stress always affects your health. In an effort to restore mental balance, women resort to alcohol and even drugs. An addiction may arise that will be very difficult to overcome. This is another factor according to which toxic relationships need to be stopped as quickly as possible, while the woman’s psyche is not yet completely destroyed.
Suspicion
Another negative consequence of a toxic relationship is the inability to perceive the love of well-meaning people with whom you cross paths. Because you will become suspicious of the sincerity of those around you. This is a surefire guarantee to ruin all future chances of happiness.
Insomnia
The psychological pressure that a woman is constantly under in a toxic relationship provokes stress. Psychologists call stress the “silent killer.”
Stress, in turn, can provoke insomnia, which will lead to emotional tension and constant anxiety. All this can result in a severe emotional and mental disorder: severe depression, neuroses, panic attacks or phobias.
Am I sure I'm good enough for you?
On the one hand, such relationships do not seem toxic. The partner is just not confident in himself. But it's exhausting! Every day, assuring a woman that she is beautiful, not fat, and smart is not an easy task.
The partner will every time belittle his strengths and inflate his shortcomings in order to achieve praise. It's like dressing a cow in a wedding dress. It looks nice, but the butt still shows. You will never be able to prove that you chose this woman because she is worthy of you.
In general, every woman is insecure about her qualities. It’s normal for them to periodically ask such stupid questions and run into compliments. Especially when a man is greedy for beautiful words for his woman. But everything has limits.
Of course, there are also men like that. They need to constantly hear that they are the strongest, the bravest and that these jeans emphasize their elastic butt. But this is not about masculinity at all, if you know what I mean.
Why women stay in toxic relationships
Toxic relationships sometimes last for many years, and there are thousands of reasons for this.
Fear of loneliness
You think that he is the best thing in your life and you can’t imagine yourself being lonely. . Fear of the unknown forces you to move past your discomfort in a relationship and pushes you to stay in it.
This is a common mistake in relationships because being single can be the best time of your life. This is the time when you can finally try to understand what you really are and what you really want in life? And the main thing is to enjoy freedom, because toxic relationships are always mental bondage. And no relationship is worth staying with someone who causes pain or trauma.
Unwillingness to face the truth
When we are in a toxic relationship, we convince ourselves that it is temporary. We convince ourselves that everything will be fine again. And we even convince ourselves that it is our fault, which means that if we leave, we will fail. There is so much manipulation and negative energy that builds up in toxic relationships simply because we fail to admit it to ourselves.
It is very difficult to face the truth and diagnose an existing relationship. And it’s even more difficult to make the right decision and break off such a relationship. Escape, preserving yourself, your psyche and attitude towards life.
Lack of willpower
Being in a toxic relationship destroys the emotional and volitional qualities of a woman as a more emotionally malleable partner. Constant stress, guilt, and fear suppress the will. And the woman simply begins to “go with the flow” without noticing that she is being increasingly drawn into the funnel of hopelessness and depression.
Love
This is often the main bandage covering a woman's eyes. Sometimes love is so blind that it is very difficult for a woman to admit that she is in a toxic relationship with her husband or partner.
The woman is sure that a man can change, and everything that happens to her is temporary. And since they love each other, sooner or later his behavior will improve. Thus, an “idealized” vision of a partner is created that does not correspond to reality.
Sign #4: No plans
You don't see a future for this relationship! The situation of uncertainty of one of the partners is absolutely satisfactory, the second lives with expectations and faith that someday something will change, but this does not happen. A person gets used to the waiting mode, and gradually his self-confidence evaporates. There is nothing in the future, and you desperately cling to the past. You have invested so much in this relationship that you can’t even imagine that you can build anything else. And the partner does not make any promises and does not make plans.
How to end a toxic relationship
Leaving a toxic relationship is not easy. This is due to the fact that you need to have a good idea of what is happening. Since each case is unique, there are no universal recipes.
Sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that they do not allow you to realize in time what is really happening. Only a detailed study of the situation will make it possible to understand the true motives and real obstacles. To get a clear picture, you need to let yourself go and perhaps the situation will appear from a completely unexpected angle. The most important thing is to try to look at relationships from the outside and your own role in these relationships.
The most important thing is that when deciding to leave a toxic relationship, you need to clearly understand that you will have to change not only your lifestyle, but also restructure your thinking. In fact, in some ways you will have to create yourself anew, while simultaneously eliminating the psychological and emotional wounds you have received.
Recognizing the problem
Recognizing a problem in a relationship is the first and very big step towards “recovering” from a toxic relationship. After all, recognizing a problem is already half of solving it. The presence of toxicity in a relationship must be clearly identified and communicated.
In order to clearly identify the problem, you will need to make a considerable effort. But this will be the right decision and will become a barrier to the further disintegration of your personality.
Feeling of self-respect
This feeling is very important if you need to break off a relationship. And it is impossible to leave an unhealthy relationship without getting hurt if you don’t put in the effort.
Even if your self-esteem has been destroyed over a long period of time, try to convince yourself that you are a unique person. Therefore, first of all, it is necessary to take into account your desires, needs and goals. And don’t re-enter the role of a victim of a toxic relationship when your partner’s wishes are the law. By starting to respect your own needs, you will inevitably begin to grow and develop as a person. A person realizes why efforts were previously made. All this is the path to mental recovery after a toxic relationship.
Unconditional self-acceptance
To get away from an abnormal relationship, you will have to try. It will be necessary to change the attitude not only towards people, but also the surrounding reality as a whole.
When “recovering” from a toxic relationship, force yourself not to reproach yourself for past mistakes. And especially, don't do it in public. Accept yourself completely, along with the right to make mistakes. Recognizing your value helps you overcome difficulties, realize existing prospects, feel like a unique person, your worth and significance.
You need to understand and accept that being attentive to your own needs is not selfishness. It is necessary to have a healthy desire for responsibility and be able to defend individual interests.
Help from a psychologist
In most cases, toxic relationships are the result of psychological trauma suffered in childhood or later in life. It is necessary to understand in detail what happened and why it was necessary to act in a certain way.
When psychological problems remain unprocessed, this leads to a number of subsequent complications. There is an inability to trust people and follow the voice of one’s own heart. The problems that arise prevent you from experiencing joy, hinder self-realization and personal growth. The resulting toxic relationship significantly poisons a person’s life. They can turn life into hell, deprive you of self-confidence and all sorts of ambitions.
In case of severe emotional trauma, if you cannot cope with the problem on your own, then to restore psychological balance it is advisable to seek help from a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist.
What happens after leaving a toxic relationship?
Letting go of a toxic relationship is difficult, and ending it is a painful process. But, having gone through all the stages of mental and psychological tests, one day you will see what amazing things await you. And what new colors your life has sparkled with.
Quote
“Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up, I can choose joy, happiness, suffering, pain... I want to feel the freedom that is born from mistakes and new choices. I want to feel life - not to deny my human essence, but to accept it.”
Kevin O'Coin.
Become more optimistic
You will feel strong, free and energetic. There will no longer be a person next to you who is constantly trying to prove that you are ugly, stupid and a loser. You can finally remember your goals that you had to bury because of your partner and start living the life you always dreamed of.
You will grow as a person
You will feel the strength and ability for new achievements. You will have ambitious plans and ideas for their implementation. Cheerfulness, cheerfulness and optimism will become your constant companions. You may even become a little self-confident, but this is such a new and pleasant feeling!
You will appreciate your freedom, your individuality and all the little things that make you unique and special.
Strengthen your self-esteem
After ending a toxic relationship, it will finally become clear to you what tricks your partner tried to destroy your self-esteem and shake your self-confidence forever.
You will finally feel free from constant verbal oppression. And you realize that you will make every effort to never be in a toxic relationship again.
Sign No. 7. Who is stronger and better?
Relationships between so-called “equal” partners are also dangerous, in which people constantly compete: who is stronger, who is better, who is more important. Constantly proving one's own rightness. The partners do not think about the common cause, about dialogue, everyone tries to defend and prove their position. This often happens to those people who, in childhood and adolescence, had to live up to parental expectations. Excellent students are also at risk: they have learned over the years of study that they must do everything perfectly, and require close people to confirm their ideality. In the presence of friends, they begin to attract attention in order to receive admiration or praise, but this causes injury to the other partner.
