Raising a daughter: femininity at the forefront, myths and their debunking

Some people mistakenly consider raising girls simpler than boys, believing that the fair sex is docile and obedient. However, in practice this is not the case; it is important to cultivate in daughters not only femininity, but also strong-willed qualities, determination, self-esteem, and kindness; Sometimes combining all this is not easy. We invite you to get acquainted with some advice from psychologists.

Features of education

The position of modern women is different from what it was at the beginning of the last century. Representatives of the fair sex received freedom, which is good news, but at the same time the lion's share of responsibility was shifted onto their shoulders. In many families, a woman is forced to work full time, cook, keep the house in order, raise children, while remaining affectionate, gentle and ready to listen to her husband. All this is not easy, it takes a lot of strength and energy. Not everyone is capable of such “inconspicuous” everyday feats.

It also happens that a woman decides to focus on her career or education, which makes it impossible to create a full-fledged family.

“Same-sex” education, that is, the same for boys and girls, is not losing ground; in many families one can find a desire from early childhood to teach their daughter to be active, dynamic, to develop in her leadership inclinations, the ability to achieve her own goals, and entrepreneurship. And the role and importance of family values, the ability to run a household and be feminine disappear completely or move into the background. That is why a problem ultimately arises - the girl grows up strong, but completely unprepared for the social role of mother and wife. Nowadays, many families are breaking up because a woman does not have enough time for her husband and children, because family values ​​are much less significant for her than work and career.

To solve the problem, experts advise using a gender approach, that is, developing different qualities in boys and girls. A girl needs to be raised as a girl, and as a certain “boyfriend” in a skirt.

Main Differences

From childhood, children must understand gender role identification:

• The boy is the future man, the head of the family, he will have to do a man's work - planing, making crafts. Therefore, the education of strong-willed qualities, assertiveness, determination, the ability not to give up, and to finish what is started is of great importance.
• The girl is a woman in the future, the mother of the family; housekeeping, cooking, cleaning, and caring for children falls on her shoulders. For her upbringing, the most important thing is to instill family values, a willingness to be affectionate, kind, and gentle.

Parents need to set an example by correctly distributing roles in the family, since it is the model of father and mother that girls often take as a basis. It is important for a daughter to feel the care of her parents, so you should not hide your tenderness for the child for fear of spoiling him; such manifestations are very important.

Gender differences manifest themselves at 2-3 years, it is at this age that a boy understands that he is a boy, and a girl understands that she is a girl. It is from this time that the methods of raising children should be differentiated. At the age of 4-7 years, gender stability is already fully formed. Children play different games and develop different interests.

Raising a girl is not easy, because you have to choose what qualities to instill in her - the desire for success, which is essential in the modern world, or respect for family values, gentleness, tenderness, and femininity. Responsible parents face a difficult task.

The beginning of the beginning: a little lady and the difficulties of growing up

Children grow up and quickly adopt certain patterns of behavior, so it is very important not to miss the moment of instilling good and eternal ideals.
No one will deny that parents, first of all, want to raise a happy, full-fledged person, filled with a thirst for life and with a wide range of interests.

This explains why experts identify two strategies in raising girls: basic and specific. They are implemented in parallel.

It doesn't matter whether you are the parents of a high-spirited bully or a little princess. You will be faced with the task of teaching your child the rules of interaction with society.

To assimilate general cultural values, a child must first turn to the history of his family.

Feeling the interconnection of generations, the child learns to respect elders and trust their experience. Create a family tree in the Russian House of Genealogy - the family book will carefully preserve the traditions that your daughter will later bring into her home. It is this continuity that will help the girl understand how to create her own family, in which wisdom and harmony reign.

Determining your values

Modern adults often faced the problem of a mother who was always missing at work and grew up without her attention, so they are sure that raising a daughter should have a vector of family life. Girls supposedly need to be taught to be faithful wives and loving mothers, everything else is much less significant and will happen by itself. It sounds a little strange, because, at first glance, if a woman focuses on her family, then she will not have a successful career. However, the situation can be viewed from a different angle:

1. A girl unhappy in her personal life gradually becomes embittered, aggressive, irritable and petty.
2. Few people will want to contact such an unattractive person, so building relationships with colleagues and superiors will not be easy.
3. Accordingly, building a career is quite problematic.

Also, some young mothers are annoyed that they are forced to spend time raising a newborn baby rather than achieving career success. Others sacrifice their role as a mother, immerse themselves in work, entrusting the child to grandmothers or nannies, and then wonder why the baby grows up unsociable, withdrawn, and uncommunicative. It is very difficult to find the “golden mean”.

That is why it can be noted that a career to the detriment of the family rarely leads to something good; often the story has a sad ending. If desired, a feminine girl will be able to raise children and work, managing to do both. However, if from childhood you instill in her the desire to be first everywhere, then, coming into conflict with feminine nature itself, this trait will become destructive for the girl.

Based on materials from books:

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"Asexual" pedagogy

In our country, it is traditional to raise children of different sexes the same way, that is, the so-called “genderless” pedagogy. Meanwhile, it has been proven that it greatly harms the development of a child’s personality. Let us give an example of separate education, which was introduced as an experiment in an English county. Unexpectedly, it turned out that children studying in separate classes performed better than those attending lessons together. There are several reasons:

• Girls develop faster physiologically and mentally, so “competing” with them does not make boys feel inferior and inadequate.
• Being among children of the same development level makes it much easier not to lose interest in learning. This applies primarily to boys.
• Girls are given the opportunity to perform tasks that are more difficult and interesting for them, and not “equal to those lagging behind.” They focus on solving learning problems rather than getting distracted in class.

These circumstances suggest that children of different sexes should be raised differently. It is impossible for the baby to resemble a boy in her manners and behavior and to show aggression, so it is necessary to offer her typically “feminine” toys: dishes, dolls, doll houses, strollers.

Teach your daughter to feel important

In a world dominated by men, it is difficult for a girl to feel important. Try to inspire her that she can be on an equal footing with a man or even the main one: at school, university, circle of friends or at work. Teach her to talk to the world on a first-name basis and agree that a man occupies an important, but not always the main place in her life.

“A man is on first name terms with the world because he sincerely considers himself equal to him. The woman says “you”, just as sincerely suspecting that she has not “grown up”, that her place is somewhere lower. Submitting to ancient instincts, she does not feel like she is in charge, even if she has an honestly earned million in her bank account.”

Irina Khakamada

Author of the book "The Tao of Life"

Myths about raising girls

Let's get acquainted with some erroneous positions that, nevertheless, have taken root in the public consciousness:

1. You should not allow a girl to pay close attention to her own appearance. It has been proven that this is nothing more than a belief. The young princess must be confident in her beauty, only in this case she will be happy. Otherwise, the child will grow up with a complex and will try to assert himself through immoral behavior and revealing outfits.
2. It is unacceptable to spoil the baby. We won’t completely refute the myth; we’ll just say that everything is good in moderation. It is very important for girls to understand that they are loved and appreciated, so there is nothing shameful in showing your feelings to the baby. Otherwise, a mature girl will become an easy prey for a manipulator who will be able to convince her of the sincerity of his love. She will look for the affection she did not receive in childhood in very dubious sources.
3. Many girls categorically do not want to do household chores. This is not true; with the right approach, the daughter will be happy to take on part of her mother’s responsibilities. The main thing is to show tact, give the child a little more freedom, not control every step and not scold for involuntary mistakes.

Knowing these myths, parents will be able to avoid mistakes when building their own parenting tactics.

Don't let her get angry

The words “You’re a girl, you shouldn’t be angry” are also outdated. Suppressing anger in childhood, a grown-up girl will similarly swallow and hush up grievances against her husband, colleagues and boss, which can ultimately lead her to depression or increased anxiety.

“Most women are afraid of their own rage. This is due to the stereotypes of the society in which they live. It so happened that an enraged man, seething with rage, is perceived quite normally.”

Ute Erhardt

Author of the book “Good Girls Go to Heaven, and Bad Girls Go Wherever They Want”

Education of femininity

The most difficult thing parents have to face in the difficult task of raising girls is teaching them to be feminine. It is very important to explain to a child from childhood that assertiveness and aggression are a typically male style of behavior, while a woman should be softer, touching and sweet. In modern conditions, girls are placed in complex frameworks - in order to achieve something in life, you have to be tough, daring, and arrogant. This is why they start smoking, using obscene language, and often joining criminal gangs, perceiving femininity as a sign of weakness.

The problem is aggravated by the fact that there are very few toys for girls on store shelves, and the few that are available are not affordable for every family. There is even less literature for young ladies; books can be counted on one hand:

• Aseeva “Dinka”;
• Novels for girls by Alexander Green;
• Tales of Kassil.

And there are a huge number of adventures, science fiction and children's detective stories. Modern women's literature, which girls who have no alternative are forced to read, is more harmful than useful:

1. It spoils literary taste, which is already undeveloped.
2. Offers an inexperienced child new knowledge that he does not need. Teenagers learn the art of seduction and begin to confuse platonic love with carnal pleasures. In such works, the sensual principle, so necessary for children, is skillfully replaced by the sexual. Therefore, the lessons that the young reader learns are not at all what parents would dream of.
3. Very often, early initiation into sexual relations is promoted in works; inexperienced girls begin to follow the examples of the heroines.
4. Often the main characters in pulp literature are “fashionable” girls, assertive, ready to take the initiative in relationships with young people. Moral norms are considered relics of the past; the main motive for behavior is obtaining pleasure. And our children strive to become the same.

That is why such works are dangerous. The result is sad - girls forget about the necessary feminine qualities: gentleness, modesty, caring, and become rude, arrogant, and unattractive. Apparent freedom and independence turn into problems in building relationships with the opposite sex, the inability to become a normal wife and mother, life mistakes, and their bitter awareness. Many such girls realize too late that they missed something important, but it is impossible to turn back time.

That is why parents need to make certain efforts in time to raise their daughters romantically, without fear that the girl will ultimately be unprepared for the harsh reality of life. Paradoxically, romanticism strengthens the soul and forms a strong character.

The Role of Example

Help in cultivating the romantic element will be provided by literature, classical works, and not the dangerous pulp reading described above.

In addition, mothers can share with girls stories about the fate of their friends, real women who put family values ​​at the forefront; this is both interesting and instructive. Of course, we should not forget about personal example; few people will seriously expect that a girl will grow up to be a “real lady” if her mother smokes, swears and commands her father. Therefore, mothers should try to become better.

Situations in which the “little princess” will need to show kindness and help someone will also provide invaluable help. Parents should often put their child in such conditions, this will allow him to develop the best feminine qualities. And praise will be an additional incentive. It is very good if there are younger children in the family; caring for them will form and consolidate the necessary traits. True, in this case it is important not to abuse, completely shifting the care of the younger ones onto the shoulders of the eldest daughter; she will quickly get tired of her responsibilities and may not want to give birth to her own children. The role of the father is also great; he must treat his wife with care, setting an example of a real man, only in this case the baby will be able to appreciate all the positive aspects of family life with a loved one.

Psychologists recommend not encouraging a child’s interest in cosmetics. Although the market is overflowing with all kinds of products for children, they are at best useless and at worst unhealthy. In addition, it teaches children freedom, so there is nothing unexpected in the fact that a girl who paints her nails “like an adult” at the age of 5 will seduce boys at the age of 12, also “like a big one.” Femininity is not makeup or manicure, it is a manner of behavior, a way of thinking, softness, surprisingly combined with the firmness of convictions.

Possible assumptions

Let us note that some girls, despite all the efforts of their parents, stubbornly grow up as “little robbers”, not wanting to become princesses. There may be several reasons:

• Character traits. Every child is different, so approaching each one with a simple set of standard rules will not work. Often, due to their temperament or hyperactivity, children are simply unable to sit still. They need to constantly move and play active games.
• Availability of other examples. If a baby is forced to constantly communicate with boys, for example, there are several older brothers in the family, then, of course, she will take on some behavioral characteristics from them.

It is important to take all this into account when thinking through your parenting strategy, offering your child an alternative that is attractive to him.

The soft conquers the hard

“And yet,” you ask, “why are some girls “little princesses” and others “little robbers”? Is it really just a matter of upbringing?” Of course not. A lot depends on the characterological characteristics of the child, on his temperament. “Little robbers” are often hyperactive children or demonstrative girls who like to attract attention, even negative attention. And it happens that a child has an adventurous character. In addition, a lot depends on the examples that adults set. Girls growing up in families with older brothers often (though not always) imitate boys. In each specific case, you need to understand the reason for your daughter’s “robbery” antics and think about how to set her up for something positive. Agree that there is a big difference between a “bandit” and an avid hiker.

It is noteworthy that in the kindergarten that I talked about (where boys have their own approach and girls have their own), even the “inveterate little robbers” gradually become more affectionate and obedient. “The soft conquers the hard,” says an old Chinese proverb. And this ancient expression seems wise to me today.

T. L. Shishova, teacher, member of the Union of Writers of Russia

Important rules for parents

In light of all of the above, let us formulate some rules that are important to adhere to when raising a daughter. There are few of them:

• From childhood, a child should be instilled with the desire to take care of his or her health. Any girl is a future mother, so problems developed in childhood, and more often in adolescence, can put an end to her ability to bear a healthy baby. Therefore, you should teach your baby to eat right, play sports, and take care of personal hygiene. Mothers need to convey to her the importance of preventive visits to doctors, since many children do not like doctors and retain fear even into adulthood. Remember how many completely adequate people will endure until the last moment and go to the hospital only when the disease reaches a chronic stage. The reason for this is the mistakes of upbringing, the inattention of parents who let everything take its course.
• Excessive strictness and hundreds of prohibitions are just as harmful as unlimited freedom. Moms and dads have to find a “golden mean”, not to keep the baby under a tight rein, but also not to indulge the whims, allowing the child to manipulate themselves. Every prohibition, every “no” and “impossible” must be justified. It is important for a girl to understand why committing this or that act is unacceptable.
• From early childhood, a girl is confident in her own attractiveness. The shortcomings of her body - plumpness, freckles, thin hair - should not embarrass her. The role of the mother is to teach the child to dress in such a way as to skillfully disguise some figure defects, while remaining modest, elegant and feminine. If a teenage girl is not confident in the beauty of her face, she will do everything possible to divert attention from it, wearing daring miniskirts and deep necklines. Such clothing can lead to early adulthood, sexual intercourse with a much older partner, and the girl can be raped. And all this could have been avoided if, from early childhood, she had been instilled with the idea of ​​her own charm, which did not need artificial embellishment.
• Parents should teach their daughter to do typical female household chores. Moreover, diplomacy and tact are required here. If you force a child to wash the floor or water the flowers, he will hate this activity and, having started an independent life, will deliberately ignore homework, earning a reputation as a slob. Therefore, tidying and cooking should be interesting to the girl. Little preschoolers, as a rule, are happy to help their mothers cook, wash dishes, and tidy up the closet. The main thing is to give them such an opportunity, not to shout or get nervous if the child does something differently than the mother would like.
• All of the above does not discount the importance of intellectual development. Femininity is not synonymous with stupidity and short-sightedness, which is why a girl can and should be introduced to art, science, read books with her and talk about what she has read, visit theaters and exhibitions. If desired, the child can enroll in special courses in a foreign language or even programming. Some modern skills do not make a properly raised girl rude or arrogant.
• Finally, it is very important to develop compassion, kindness, and a desire to help those in need in a female child. Girls brought up in an unsuitable environment are often characterized by particular cruelty and cynicism; you should try to avoid their formation, giving the baby the opportunity to take care of someone who needs it. But it is equally important to help the child understand that there are people unworthy of participation and help.

And, of course, we should not forget that every child is, first of all, an individual, his individual characteristics and preferences must be taken into account.