More and more people end relationships as soon as they stop bringing joy. It seems to us that since something went wrong, we need to put an end to it as soon as possible. This often happens because we idealize romantic relationships: modern society and culture make us think that “true” love has no problems.
This misconception can be costly, because you have to pay with your own happiness. Often relationships can be saved if you realize in time that you are just going through a difficult stage. Don't forget that in life there is a place for routine, everyday difficulties, alienation, disappointment and a lot of other things. And that despite them you can love each other.
At what stage of a relationship can you confess your feelings to a person?
Photo: pexels.com/ru-ru/@jonathanborba
Answered by Dasha Pankratova, analytical psychologist, ICF coach.
“The relationship between two people is an individual and largely creative process, which at first is supported by a cocktail of hormones and neurotransmitters. But there are certain stages of development in the first three years of a relationship that are the same for everyone.
In short, then: acquaintance stage → charm and idealization of a partner (first 3 months) → getting to know him in more detail (2.5 years) → seeing a real person (3 years).
In the question of when to confess your feelings to your partner, you should start from your feelings. Namely: how confident am I in my feelings and the person? To what extent does my recognition come from the heart, and not from some third-party goals? Will I feel safe after confessing?
Therefore, if you are at the stage of charming and idealizing your partner, there is no clear feeling inside that you are ready for recognition, or some of the listed questions remain open for you, then maybe it makes sense to wait a little to declare your love to a non-idealized hologram, but to a person whose feelings you are completely sure of.”
How to know what you love
Do you wake up at dawn with a smile on your lips just thinking that you will see Him today?
It’s not so important to you whether He speaks to you, invites you somewhere, and generally whether He deigns to look at you, the main thing is that you will see the object of your dreams even in passing (for example, at a morning meeting in the boss’s office or in the common dining room at lunch ).
Congratulations - you are in love! Signs of a “pathological condition” are:
- an inexplicable need to admire the object of desire again and again;
- trembling in the knees when he approaches;
- sudden shyness when trying to approach him.
Let's remember Pushkin - it would seem difficult to find a more experienced heartthrob! And he admitted to his friends that he was instantly lost and could not find words to talk as soon as he met his friend in society.
“Madonna” - Natalie Goncharova. It’s even more difficult for an ordinary, ordinary person in such a situation! But the matter is not limited to just falling in love.
It all begins with her. 7 or 5 stages of love in psychology have been identified today. Why are the numbers different? It’s just that sometimes scientists combine the last three stages into one, so instead of seven you get five.
Each period in a couple’s relationship has its own characteristics. Let's see what they are.
Becoming a couple
You begin to feel a strong connection with your partner and feel like a couple. You are comfortable and calm together, you are confident in each other, even if you no longer have such overwhelming emotions as before. You grow and develop together and begin to understand what the person next to you really needs.
It is at this stage that many people decide to start living together, get married or have a child. You know that your union is based on shared values and mutual respect. Your partner becomes a full part of your life, and you understand that you are one.
Psychologist's view
Love has always been talked about. It was touched upon by great poets in their poems, by artists who created delightful portraits, and by musicians who composed incredible masterpieces. Scientists from various scientific fields were not spared: neurologists, biologists, zoologists, physicists. Even mathematicians tried to come up with its formula. But most of all psychological works have been written on this topic. After all, it is psychology that studies the human soul, his behavior, feelings, and reactions. Therefore, the eternal problem of love and its stages through the eyes of a psychologist seems to us the most useful and interesting for knowledge.
Frustration and alienation
Deklofenak / Depositphotos.com
It is during this period that the largest number of separations and divorces occur.
The stage of disappointment is somewhat similar to a hangover. You are sad and hurt that the party is over, and its consequences cause unpleasant feelings.
Feelings disappeared, hopes for a bright future collapsed. Everything seems to be going wrong in your relationship for some inexplicable reason. You wonder where that person you were in love with went to.
The fact is that during the period of falling in love, we look at our partner as if under a magnifying glass. His jokes seem doubly funny, his natural sarcasm is perceived as proof of a sharp mind, and everything connected with him is ideal. When the stage of disappointment sets in, we see a different picture: jokes seem primitive, sarcasm turns into arrogance, and any comments out loud begin to irritate.
Naturally, you wonder if you made the right choice. Don't panic: you're not the only one facing this problem. It is difficult to survive this stage, but if you succeed, it will only get better.
Working on love
It is important to understand that you can continue to love, even when you have stopped looking at your partner through rose-colored glasses. You will save the situation if you change your way of thinking. Work on your relationships and you will receive a reward: your feelings will become more mature and stronger.
Recognize that the person next to you cannot and should not be perfect.
Don't forget that relationships are work, so be patient and focus your efforts on maintaining your union. We all have disadvantages, problems, complexes, but there is also something beautiful in each of us. You have to fall in love not with your partner’s strengths, but with your partner’s weaknesses. Take them as the reverse and integral side of the qualities for which you fell in love with this person.
Adoption
Having overcome the crisis and decided to stay together, the couple moves to a new stage of relationship development - acceptance. What are the distinctive features of the fourth stage of a relationship? Partners have passed many tests and are no longer trying to “crush” their lover under themselves. They learn patience, overcome disagreements more easily and are able to turn a blind eye to their partner’s minor shortcomings.
The couple is increasingly replacing constant scandals and quarrels with dialogues. The lovers are trying to come to an agreement and find a compromise solution. They strive to achieve harmony and comfort by changing themselves, and not their partner, his views on life and habits.
Bottom line
To live together until the end of your days, it is not enough to meet the right person. Married life is a titanic spiritual work, as a result of which fate bestows true love. This is dedication, the ability to compromise, the willingness to sacrifice oneself for the sake of a loved one, long-suffering and trust. And remember: only those who are ready for it can experience family happiness. There is no need to regret divorce and break-ups: your significant other will never leave your other half, only strangers leave.
Disgust
At the third stage of the relationship, lovers face serious challenges. What is special about the third stage of relationship development?
Idealized ideas about a partner are replaced by reality. The lovers have “cooled down” enough and are able to soberly evaluate the object of their love. Now his shortcomings are coming to the surface and driving him crazy. Unsolved problems also surface.
Lovers constantly quarrel and make claims against each other. Any little thing can cause a disagreement. The couple has serious doubts about the correctness of their choice. Such thoughts and constant disagreements often lead to the decision to break up.
Key Relationship Stages Couples Go Through: Pexels
Love
The stage of falling in love is often called the candy-bouquet period or “chemistry of love.” What is special about the first stage of a relationship?
Under the influence of oxytocin, endorphins and other hormones released into the blood, the couple experiences real euphoria. According to the author of the book “When there is too much love” Valentina Moskalenko, lovers see everything in rosy color and idealize each other. They are ready to spend time together without interruption and throw all the blessings of the world at their partner’s feet.
At the same time, people do not notice each other’s shortcomings at all and generously shower their partner with compliments. They are confident that:
- your partner’s shortcomings are just funny quirks;
- they are made for each other;
- even the shortest separation is unbearable;
- love and intense passion will last forever.
This opinion is often wrong. However, at this stage, lovers can rarely understand this and maintain common sense.
Relationship Stages Couples Go Through: Pexels
Stages of relationships before marriage
The relationship between a man and a woman during the premarital period always goes through five stages.
Stage One: Attraction
A person may or may not be in love, but there is always attraction. They say that men love with their eyes, and women with their ears. This is partly true. But scientists have proven that... smell is very important. It is the smell of a person that most often attracts individuals of the opposite sex to him.
Therefore, such situations are understandable. An ugly and very well-fed girl has crowds of fans and gets married very quickly. And her friend, who looks like Barbie, is left with nothing.
Or another option. The guy brings flowers to the girl, showers her with gifts, and she gives zero attention. Remember how Pushkin said in “Ruslan and Lyudmila”: “Hero, I don’t love you.” That's how it is in life.
Stage Two: Uncertainty
This is a difficult period for both the stronger sex and the weaker. A man tries to make his choice and understand whether this is the woman with whom he wants to share his life. At this time, the girl finds no place for herself, trying to understand why her beloved does not call.
This situation is a bit like fishing, where the woman acts as bait and her partner as the fish. During this period, it is better for a girl to restrain her emotions, neither call, nor write email or SMS.
Wait for your fish to swim up on its own and get hooked. This is where you should hook it and quickly pull it out so that it becomes yours.
Stage Three: Test Drive
Once a man has made his decision, he wants to continue the relationship. You don't have to agree to everything at once, but you also shouldn't seem too unavailable.
During the test drive you need to show your best side. A man and a woman evaluate each other like a commodity, looking for strengths and weaknesses.
Stage Four: Discovery
During this period, spiritual rapprochement begins in the couple. Don't be afraid that your partner will see your shortcomings. Don't just pour a tub of cold water on it right away. If a woman does not know how to cook, iron shirts or tie a tie, it is better to communicate this gradually.
The girl will also be shocked if the guy tells her that his father bought him a car, and he took the money for flowers and a restaurant from his mother, because he is not working yet, but is looking for himself.
Stage five: Agreement to live together
This is the last step before registering a relationship. By this time, the man and woman already see the strengths and weaknesses of their partner. They love each other's strengths and are willing to put up with each other's shortcomings.
But it is important to understand that family life is like a swing or a roller coaster, and moves up and down. Therefore, it is important not to make a mistake and find a person whose shortcomings you are willing to accept for the sake of his merits.
This is exactly what the American writer and business coach Yitzhak Calderon Adizes says. Perhaps the book “Union of Dissimilars” will help you in starting a family. How to create a happy family,” which is based on his principles.
