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A confident person is perceived by others as friendly. If people feel comfortable and safe in your company, they will be more likely to talk to you. Therefore, you need to learn to send signals of friendliness and sociability.
Arthur Wassmer, author of Making Contact, came up with the acronym SOFTEN to help people remember how to send friendly signals. Agree, it’s nice to always have a simple way to cope with anxiety at hand. In this case, we use the prefrontal cortex to manage the emotional expressions of our more primitive and emotional brain. The method may seem simple, but it is based on the opposition between reason and emotions within us.
So, let's decipher the abbreviation. Let these rules help you better manage nonverbal cues.
Smile
There is nothing unexpected in this advice. But how long have you seen your smile in the mirror? Sometimes what you think is a smile, people perceive as a smirk or something worse. You think you're smiling, but your eyes are fixed and your mouth is twisted in a funny way. Take a close look at your face when you really smile. You will notice that your entire face lifts, especially the muscles around your eyes.
If you smile only with your mouth, like cartoon characters, it looks insincere. Practice in front of a mirror to understand what facial expressions help you appear friendly and cheerful. Better yet, study an unadorned photograph of yourself (not a staged selfie) to understand how others see you. You have more than once read the emotions of other people from their faces, so you will definitely cope with this task.
Smile sincerely when meeting people, otherwise you will be remembered as gloomy and gloomy.
Be open
Candid, personal stories about yourself will help win over a person and gain trust. This method helps you quickly get closer to your interlocutor. But it is important not to overdo it and pour out your whole soul at once; do it gradually. Perhaps the person will also want to share something personal in response and thereby support you.
Use simple ways to make a good impression on strangers and expand your social circle. You will find even more useful and exciting information on the website. The platform hosts more than 100 online courses and webinars, a catalog of current professions and various tests, competitions and events. You will definitely find useful tools for yourself.
Lean towards the interlocutor (Forward Lean)
During a conversation, lean towards the interlocutor or move closer to him. This will express sympathy and attention to the words of the interlocutor. (In English, the word list, which is similar to the verb listen, means “to lean in.”) With this gesture, you show that you want to better understand the point of view and feelings of the interlocutor. To end a conversation, simply take a step back or move away from the other person. If a tall person does not bend over and lower his head to make it easier to communicate, the interlocutor feels alienated and even a kind of contempt.
If you are that tall person, you may not notice it until someone tells you. Remember to lean towards people when talking.
Important words of advice
Finally, a few more tips on how to make a good impression:
- Watch your posture, don't frown, don't get distracted. This rule applies even when you are talking with an old friend.
- Also watch your speech. It should not contain slang, rude or ambiguous words.
- Don't talk too much, otherwise your interlocutor will get bored.
- Don't forget about hygiene. It's about freshness of breath and cleanliness of the body. A conversation will not be productive if there is an unpleasant odor from sweat or breath.
- If you're on a date, don't talk about your ex-partner. This will show that you still think about him.
If at any point you realize that the person is unpleasant to you, end the conversation and leave. Don't force yourself to continue communicating. And you will experience discomfort, and the person will understand the insincerity.
Touch the other person (Touch)
The topic of touching will be especially interesting for men. But let's be careful. Touch people only when it feels appropriate; If in doubt, don't do it. Each culture has its own rules about when and what parts of the interlocutor’s body can be touched. So be smart about touching and do your research. For example, in America, kissing and hugging when meeting people is excluded. You can only lightly touch the other person's arm - from the elbow to the shoulder (but do not grab it!). You say, “If there are so many rules, why even talk about touching?” The fact is that touch is an important nonverbal signal for effective communication.
Perhaps the most important form of physical contact in society is the handshake. Take this gesture seriously. Rest assured: people remember your handshake from the first meeting. A handshake is a form of greeting and establishing contact. Take the time to learn how to shake hands correctly. (Girls, I have a special message for you. Ask someone to honestly evaluate your handshake. You will not be taken seriously if, when meeting you, you extend a limp hand, like a soft rag, and expect that the interlocutor will shake it himself.)
If you are sitting, you need to stand up to shake hands. Women and men of higher social status and senior positions usually extend their hand first. A woman's handshake is no different from a man's. (When shaking hands, make sure your palm is not stained with the grease of the chicken wing you recently had for lunch.)
When extending your hand for a handshake, point it so that the part of your palm between the thumb and forefinger touches the same part of the other person’s palm. Then shake his hand. I advise you to practice with friends first.
The quality of communication depends on how you behave during the conversation. Learn to greet and introduce yourself by looking the other person in the eye and remembering their name. And smile. There is so much to consider! Now do you understand why it is better to practice at home first? Observe how others behave during a conversation, put yourself in their place and play out these situations in your imagination. This will bring more benefits than you can imagine. Once you succeed, it's done. Once you learn it, you will never lose this skill.
Channels of human perception
People, as mentioned above, have different channels for perceiving and reading information. Let's look at each in detail.
The visual channel is a very important channel. This is where the opinion about you begins to take shape. The first thing a meeting begins with is visual perception: the client sees you and evaluates your appearance. In order to make a positive visual impression, pay attention to several components:
- Clothes and shoes. It is necessary to look appropriate for the place and situation. Often meetings take place not only in offices, but also in cafes, at conferences, in production, construction sites and even in the field (for example, when selling plant protection products, equipment).
- An important component of the first impression are accessories. It is better to refuse “flashy” jewelry, an abundance of gold items, and fake watches of famous brands.
- Clean and neat appearance. This concerns not only clothes, but also hair, hands, shoes.
- Facial expression, posture and gaze. Many people make an important mistake without controlling themselves. A dissatisfied face can be as repulsive as a dirty and wrinkled suit.
Make eye contact (Eye Contact)
Eye contact is not a fleeting glance, but it is not a long staring game either. You study the other person's face and pick up visual cues that convey the meaning of his words and his emotions. Every person's face is capable of expressing many emotions, and you can learn to "read" people by their faces. Through eye contact you show that you are open to communication. After all, when describing a friendly person, we say that he has an “open face.”
Making eye contact helps you focus on the other person, demonstrates openness and friendliness, and communicates your responsiveness. If you usually look away, try to catch the other person's gaze next time. Otherwise, you create a serious obstacle to the development of friendships.
In my office, I sometimes record conversations with clients so they can gain perspective. They are shocked by what they see: while talking, they look at the ceiling or their knees. Do you think they are aware of where their gaze is directed? They have no idea! They are focused on their thoughts, and not on the face and reactions of the interlocutor, which, of course, repels the latter. Those who cannot look people in the eyes are usually the last to hear about all the news, because they do not strive for mutual understanding with others. You may now realize that these words apply to you too. Surprised? You probably need help breaking your habit of hiding your eyes.
The eyes can express uncertainty or indifference. But it's better not to look into your eyes for too long. A long, direct gaze implies aggression and makes people feel uncomfortable. This fear is biological in nature and is inherited by us from our animal ancestors. If you go to Rwanda to see wild gorillas, you will be advised to avoid direct eye contact, especially with males. Otherwise, they may feel threatened and attack.
In addition, eye contact is also a sign of a very close relationship. Have you ever seen a couple in love? Notice how long and carefully they look into each other's eyes and how dilated their pupils are. This is the ultimate manifestation of a strong emotional connection.
How to learn to look people in the eyes more often?
- During your next conversation, intentionally look the other person in the eye. Of course, this will not be easy to do. Old habits resurface when you are fully engaged in a conversation. But try anyway. (It's very creepy to talk to a wall—please don't be one.)
- Try looking at the person's eyebrows or the bridge of their nose. This is almost eye contact and a good start. Gradually you will get rid of the habit of lowering or averting your eyes.
I want to warn you: if you look at the room behind your interlocutor’s back, he will definitely perceive this as your reluctance to communicate. He may be offended or even offended (more on how to politely end a conversation in Chapter 17). Give the person your full attention while you are communicating with them. If during a conversation you are looking for someone else with your eyes, be sure to inform your interlocutor about this, even if he does not know the person you are looking for. Politely say:
- “Sorry, I’m a little distracted: I’m trying to find my wife.”
- “I need to talk to Martina before she leaves. I hope you don’t mind if I look around from time to time.”
- “If you spot the bride before me, please let me know. I want to dance with her before I go."
I often use large photographs that hang in my office to teach eye contact when speaking or public speaking. I ask clients to retell a fragment of their speech: while pronouncing the phrase, they should look into the eyes of the person in the photo. Then you need to look at the next photo and say another phrase. And so on.
Practice making eye contact with people in photographs. I agree, this method may seem strange, but it will help you become more confident. And most importantly, you will get rid of the habit of looking at one point or averting your eyes during communication. Keep practicing until you get the hang of it: doing the exercise once is not enough.
How to Make a Good Impression on People: 4 Habits You Need to Break
Many manuals from experts in the field of communication psychology have been written about how to make a good impression on people. According to psychologists, there are 4 habits that you need to give up when communicating with people:
- Arrogance.
- Hypocrisy.
- Offensive compliments.
- Fake modesty.
Think honestly about whether you have such habits in communicating with people. If the answer is yes, then get rid of them immediately. After all, it is believed that the key to successful communication are such qualities as: a sincere smile, good nature, empathy and the ability to perceive the interlocutor’s flaws with humor.
Auditory channel
In order for your meeting to be successful, you must monitor the pace of speech, timbre of voice and intonation. They say that women love with their ears, but this is not entirely true. Speech is important for both men and women. How the interlocutor's voice sounds is extremely important. Squeaky and unpleasant or low and velvety voice. You can work on improving your voice using the following criteria:
- You need to speak clearly and clearly (practice tongue twisters)
- It is better to choose a medium speech rate
- to improve your skill, recite poems with expression or present your products
Nonverbal channel
Through this channel of perception, a person evaluates posture, gestures and facial expressions. Your posture and gestures primarily reveal your excitement, uncertainty, or, conversely, calmness. Facial expressions can immediately tell about your mood and interest in communication. There are people about whom they say that they have a “brick face” and it is difficult for them to win over or convince their interlocutor because they lack emotions. Important components for establishing communication:
- open pose
- straight back
- look into the eyes
- hands don't fidget
- calm and moderate gestures
