Alexey Sviridov's acquaintances call him a cold person. He rationalizes everything and wants to find an explanation for everything. In 30 years, he had never been in a romantic relationship for longer than six months. And his friendships are based more on rituals and practical mutual assistance than on empathy.
“I don’t know what I feel when I like someone. I understand that a person is right for me when I see that he has a sense of humor, intelligence, hobbies similar to mine (anime, podcasts, computer games, boxing or art films) and he knows how to tell stories well,” says Alexey.
New partners often appear in his bed, whom he finds on Tinder.
With most of them, sex is ordinary, “like cottage cheese, which you don’t really want to eat every morning.”
But sometimes Alexey meets lovers who are “amazing, like a dessert you can’t get enough of.” It’s just that he quickly gets fed up with them, after which he goes in search of new ones.
The guy does not believe that he has any psychological problems, and only interaction with others makes him think that there is something wrong with him. When someone jokes, he smiles and says that he finds it funny. When someone cries, he can hug. But at the same time, Alexey does not feel how his mood changes depending on the situation. Essentially, he knows how to select masks with different emotions that match the context.
32-year-old Vera also memorized emotional reactions appropriate for different situations.
“I often express feelings that I don’t feel because it’s important for people to see feedback. I try to be friendly, empathetic, happy and sad, but I do it based on knowledge about it,” she explains.
Like Alexey Sviridov, the girl does not like any illogical things - for example, excessive emotionality in work processes. At the same time, Vera cannot describe how she feels if her colleagues react too violently: “I think “annoying” and “angry” are the right words.”
Before marriage, her personal life did not work out: her partners did not have enough response from her:
“I heard people say that I don’t know how to support. And once they told me that I was not expressing myself softly or politely enough. True, then the situation concerned a person who didn’t bother me, and I didn’t find it necessary to portray any emotion, but people often call directness rudeness.”
I want to feel nothing!
“I want to feel nothing” is a cry from the soul, which suggests that feelings have become almost unbearable. And the psyche is almost on the verge of destruction. In any case, it seems so to you now.
Let's figure it out a little, what are feelings in general? Why are they present in humans? Why is nature so cruel that it makes us suffer, giving us various fears, shame, guilt, love, pity, anxiety, loneliness and so on?
So, our feelings are, in fact, NOT the evil bastards inside us. These are just MARKERS, signaling devices. Which are given by nature so that a person can understand that he has a SIGNIFICANT physiological or psychological need. Our task is to find and understand this need. And then satisfy her. And then, voila, the feeling will disappear. It will disappear because it HAS PERFORMED its function, because of which it tormented you.
As a clear (very!) example, I give you the feeling of hunger. It’s also a feeling! Just so you understand how it works.
So, the feeling of hunger appears in us when the body has the most important physiological need. The point is that we fill it with nutrients. What will happen if the feeling of hunger is absent as a marker, as a signal? We simply, NOT UNDERSTANDING that the body needs refueling, deprive it of food. And as a result, at a minimum, we will become weaker, unable to work and think. At most, we will die of starvation.
Thus, if a person says, “I want to feel nothing, how can I feel nothing?” - then this only means that:
INSTEAD of awareness and understanding “what is happening to me at this moment, what my psyche, my soul is signaling to me.” Instead of being aware of “what need is causing me to feel, and what can I DO to satisfy it?” So, instead of all this CORRECT formulation of the question and correct work, a person tries to RUN Away. Suppress feelings. Displace.
And this only STRENGTHENS the feelings! The struggle leads to the opposite result.
Like in Harry Potter, remember, about the “Devil's Snares”? This is the kind of tree that is ready to strangle to death someone who is caught and trying to get out. Instead of relaxing. At the same time, it is by relaxing that there is a chance to get out - the tree lets go!
Returning to hunger for clarity. What will happen if, instead of feeding ourselves correctly (that is, the right food!!!), we try our best NOT TO FEEL HUNGRY?
Your feeling of hunger at this time will simply DRIVE YOU CRAZY! This is the idea you need to learn for yourself: fighting a feeling makes it UNBEARABLE.
Author: Ekaterina Kholodova, psychologist. You can sign up for an ONLINE consultation with me via Skype, WhatsApp, Telegram, Viber
Zero state
Once Vera participated in a psychological study of women. Based on its results, the interviewer suggested that she may have alexithymia - a reduced ability to sense, recognize and express emotions. Later, a psychologist confirmed this guess with the help of special tests.
Alexithymia is not a psychiatric diagnosis, but a condition that can accompany Asperger's syndrome, depression, PTSD, schizophrenia and other mental disorders or exist separately. Many people do not even realize that they have this feature and do not seek help from a specialist, so it is difficult to determine how many people experience such difficulties. Despite this, British researcher Rebecca Brewer believes that every tenth person is alexithymic.
Psychiatrist Kirill Sychev says that he often encountered alexithymia in his patients. “But, as a rule, they came to me with other complaints, and perceived alexithymia more as a character trait; they simply could not imagine that it could be different,” he clarifies.
Vera describes her alexithymicity as a perfect balance, that is, a state of zero without pros and cons. And Alexey compares alexithymics with asexuals.
“Some have a sexual sphere of life, it is important and interesting for them. Others have no sexual desire, but it doesn't make them feel bad. It’s the same for me, only with emotions.”
Others may consider such people “crackers” because they cannot show what they feel through words, gestures and facial expressions. But in reality, only some of them experience no emotions at all. Kirill Sychev recalls that in his practice he has never met completely insensitive alexithymics: “A complete lack of empathy is closer to personality disorders.”
Most people with alexithymic traits are still able to feel, but they are not aware of their emotions or their nuances. A typical phrase for them is: “I feel something, but I don’t understand what.”
Alexey, for example, can accurately identify fear when he rises to a significant height. And at the same time, he doesn’t know what it means to worry about extra pounds or whether his boss will scold him when he meets.
How to avoid feeling guilty and guilty?
NOT feeling guilty or guilty is a very important task. Why? Because the feeling of guilt is one of the most difficult to bear. Guilt comes to us when we:
Treated someone unfairly, offended someone. And our psyche WANTS us to restore justice to this person. Sometimes that person is ourselves. It is precisely this NEED that lies behind the feeling of guilt.
But, be very, very careful with your guilt. Because it can be:
- Real. This is when we really infringed on someone, offended someone, and so on.
- Fictional. In this case, the feeling of guilt is simply a HUMAN pattern of sensations. As a rule, formed in childhood. And then, a person feels guilty even when he has OBJECTIVELY not particularly offended anyone. He simply acted as he saw fit or defended his boundaries. For example, refusing someone excessive requests. But I didn’t really hurt anyone. But he still feels guilty.
Who experiences emotional burnout?
The main risk group for emotional burnout is people whose work involves great responsibility, strong emotional involvement in the process, and constant contact with people. These are doctors, police officers, firefighters, teachers, psychologists, journalists, and service workers.
At the same time, a person of any occupation can potentially “burn out” if he cares about his business and gives his best for the sake of the result. Psychotherapist Veronika Pivkina says that burnout in any area is facilitated by:
- Delayed result of efforts - a person cannot evaluate his contribution and effectiveness;
- Routine work - a person has to perform the same actions over and over again;
- Lack of feedback in evaluating work: both praise and adequate criticism, assistance in analyzing and eliminating errors;
- Heavy workload and lack of normal rest, especially in areas that require quickly making decisions and studying large volumes of material;
- Lack of proper remuneration for work, proportional to the effort put in by a person: not only material, but also moral.
There is no research on which gender is more prone to burnout: this is an individual reaction. However, discrimination can be an additional factor in burnout: women often encounter it when building a career in almost any field, and especially when getting into leadership positions. In addition to obvious discrimination, there are also limiting stereotypes: there are many of them, and they affect both men and women.
Thus, in the minds of many, it is still customary to divide spheres into male and female: “not a man’s job” to work as a stylist or teacher, “not a woman’s thing” to work as an engineer or programmer. People begin to make great efforts to prove to someone that they are in the right place and doing a good job. And even if a person understands that this is nonsense, these stereotypes can still put pressure on him and contribute to burnout, Veronika Pivkina is sure.
How not to feel bad?
How not to feel bad? Just like guilt is one of the most difficult feelings to experience. And therefore, it is driven inside with special care. And, as we already know, driven inside, suppressed, it is capable of causing blocks and clamps from within. And do destructive work. That is why it is important to recognize, track and WORK in time. To stop feeling bad.
The feeling “I am bad” is, in classical psychology, a feeling of shame.
- There's always something wrong with me
- I'm the worst
- Something is very wrong with me only in certain situations and with certain people.
- I'm stupid, ugly, unsuccessful, stupid, incompetent, and just bad and so on.
As we see, the feeling “I’m bad” is that same SELF-ESTEEM. That same “self-love”. Or rather, self-dislike.
After all, what is “love”? - this is a vision of something or someone beautiful, wonderful, white and fluffy. Therefore, “I’m bad” is NOT loving yourself, NOT seeing yourself as beautiful, good, wonderful.
Thus, BEHIND the feeling of shame, the feeling of “I’m bad,” there is a NEED to SEE YOURSELF as good and wonderful. If you want, BELIEVE it, believe it with all your soul.
This is very, very helpful:
- - self-hypnosis, affirmations. In this case (if we work on ourselves independently), we systematically, systematically give ourselves suggestions. That kind of “I’m good, there’s nothing wrong with me.” Or “I am a wonderful, unique person, I believe this, I know this.”
- -working with the Inner Child. In this case, we are not just instilling this in ourselves. And, having seen our Childish part, our Inner Child in advance, we instill it in him. Highlighting your inner child as part of your personality is a work of imagination. Of course, physically we cannot “get” him out of ourselves and “love him”. Our savior is imagination. It is with his help that we carry out all these procedures. But, at the same time, despite the fact that this is just imagination, for our psyche this is REAL HEALING work.
Both of these techniques do an excellent job of answering the question “how not to feel bad.”
What is emotional burnout?
The concept of “emotional burnout syndrome” was introduced by the American psychiatrist Herbert Freudenberger in 1974. It describes the state of demoralization, frustration and extreme fatigue that Freudenberger observed among mental health workers.
Emotional burnout is a state of increasing emotional, motivational, and physical exhaustion, which is accompanied by a feeling of emptiness and helplessness, a cynical attitude towards work and other people. This is a defensive psychological reaction in which the manifestation of emotions to those influences that can hurt or traumatize a person is “turned off.” This is how the body protects itself from excessive overload and forces us to dose and save energy resources.
How not to feel fear?
In order not to feel fear, it is important to understand that this feeling signals us in every situation that is scary for us about our need to BE SAFE.
To overcome fear, we must take responsibility for imagining an action that will help us be safe. In this specific situation. After all, situations of fear are always different.
The feeling of anxiety is also a derivative of fear and it wants the same.
How can you tell if you have emotional burnout?
Symptoms of emotional burnout are divided into 3 groups:
- Emotional exhaustion: fatigue, feeling of emptiness, indifference to what is happening;
- Depersonalization: cynicism, detachment, difficulty in imaginative thinking, inadequate emotional response towards colleagues, clients, patients;
- Reduction of professional achievements: a feeling of incompetence and helplessness, dissatisfaction with work, doubts about one’s contribution to work and achievements.
If you observe such symptoms, you can test yourself using the Boyko test and the Maslach-Jackson questionnaire (MBI).
What fills the spiritual emptiness?
This question is quite easy for a person who is not overcome by emotional distress to think about. When the soul does not feel anything, it is quite difficult to perceive all the incoming information. Because even the meaning of life disappears. However, please try to read this information and use it in practice. Especially if you constantly repeat to yourself “I don’t want to feel anything anymore.”
Having noticed the emptiness inside you, you need to try to pull yourself together. Even if it sounds incredibly difficult at the moment, you still shouldn't give up. If you have the opportunity, ask your loved ones or friends for help. You will be able to get out of this state only if you come up with something worthwhile that you can use to fill the emptiness within yourself. There are several standard options in this regard.
Symptoms
Quite often you feel nothing at all? People suffering from such an illness are characterized by absolute indifference to everything around them. Often they simply withdraw into themselves, thinking about problems that in most cases are simply far-fetched. When there is nothing in the soul but emptiness, you don’t want to do anything: take care of your appearance, cleanliness in the house, relationships with loved ones, etc. Such a person simply withdraws into himself and does not leave the house. Loneliness in this case is almost inevitable. Who wants to communicate with a person whose emotional background is at zero? You are lucky if you have a family that will not leave you in a difficult situation and will definitely help you in some way.
In some cases, it can feel like you're putting your soul on display when you're around strangers.
Spiritual emptiness simply clouds everything around. Once happy and joyful events simply fade against the background of an emotionless existence. A person gradually plunges into the abyss of loneliness and the abyss of darkness, devaluing the things that were previously important to him. Psychologists believe that such a condition may well lead to real physical pain. Some people complained that they were overcome by migraines against the backdrop of spiritual emptiness. In this situation, medications may be powerless, since the body subconsciously does not want it to get better due to constant negative thoughts.
Don't you feel anything inside? If you do not respond to such a condition in a timely manner, you can lead yourself to a nervous breakdown or plunge headlong into depression. To prevent this from happening, you need to pull yourself together in time or seek help from a qualified specialist. In some cases, people even drove themselves to suicide just to get rid of the feeling of emptiness. However, remember that any problem can be solved!
Personal life
This is precisely the area of life that is ready to absorb a person headlong. Immerse yourself in the world of feelings, find a place in your heart for love, and then you will again feel the joy of life. If you already have a loved one, then let him take care of you. Take care of children if you have any. Surely at the moment your offspring lack attention and love. It is also worth finding a support point within yourself in the form of events, a group of people or one person. Strive to become like your idol. In fact, an interesting life is in full swing around you. Never let unpleasant circumstances overshadow all the joy you have.
Hobbies
Still repeating to yourself the words “I don’t want to feel anything anymore?” The time has come to do something unusual and interesting! Think about how often you have dreamed about what you would do in life when money no longer mattered to you. Why not try to get involved in something new?
If you did not have such desires, then simply agree to all the offers that you receive. Become like the main character in the movie Always Say Yes. If you have long wanted to take care of your body, then why not join a gym or dance? You can always refuse if you don't like it. Entice yourself with something new that will not just remain in time, but will change your life for the better, which will really fill the emptiness in your soul.
What are the dangers of emotional burnout?
Due to emotional burnout, people cease to understand why they do the work, and most importantly, why they do it well. This is a problem not only for the “burnt out” person, but also for those people who interact with him: we are faced with cynical doctors, psychologists incapable of empathy, aloof teachers. We don't get the help we asked for because they are no longer able to provide it.
For those who are “burned out,” the quality of life is greatly reduced: they feel incompetent, doubt or deny achievements, feel tired and believe that they are unable to influence anything.
“Against the background of emotional exhaustion, physical fatigue begins to accumulate, and all this can lead to psychosomatic diseases. There may be pain in the neck or back, head, stomach, stabbing in the side or under the heart - in general, any pain is possible in a wide variety of manifestations. People go to hospitals, undergo all sorts of tests, but they don’t find a reason - it doesn’t exist at the physical level. Psychosomatic manifestations are more characteristic of people with idealistic expectations: a person simply waits for something to happen that will save him,” says Veronika Pivkina.
She also noted that among her clients there were no ones who complained specifically about emotional burnout. This situation may persist throughout the country, because people usually come to a specialist in critical situations when they cannot do anything themselves. When it doesn’t really matter whether the problems really started with burnout, and it’s more important to figure out what the person is doing wrong and how it can be corrected.
