How to win over your interlocutor: 12 rules for a successful conversation

• September 6, 2018
• Psychology of communication
• Victoria Samarskaya

We all differ from each other not only in appearance. Some people come into this world with personal charisma and easily charm those around them, while others have to work hard to impress their interlocutor. How to win someone over? Are there any universal tips for those who want to acquire charm?

Smile and control of emotions

The easiest way to make a good impression is to smile. She always speaks for herself: “I’m glad to see you.” Can the sight of a gloomy and dissatisfied person make you feel positive? A suspicion immediately arises that it was this meeting that caused such emotions.

A smile is especially important in the first moments of communication, and during a dialogue you should strive to control your emotions. You cannot constantly expect praise or approval from your communication partner. Having made his condition dependent on this, a person finds himself in the position of a participant in a roller coaster ride. He gets inspired from compliments, and gets upset from criticism.

The steering wheel of feelings should be in the hands of the person himself. This is the only way to stop worrying and win people over. Emotional stability has a good effect on relationships, leads to an optimistic outlook on life, increased tone. The author himself said this:

A person who seeks approval from others trusts his happiness to strangers. (D. Carnegie)

Experiment

Intimacy is formed when people have a genuine interest in each other. At the same time, accepting your partner for who he is. This is a state that is often called “souls touching.”

Agree, it is much more comfortable to be in the company of a person when you can be sincere with him than to communicate with someone, “putting on” a mask and playing the expected role. Is not it?

Psychologist Arthur Aron once asked this question, what exactly helps to form intimacy. Therefore, in 1997, I decided to undertake an experiment, which is known in the world as “36 questions”.

Its essence was that complete strangers had to ask each other a list of questions provided by Arthur.

Students took part, and the couples consisted not only of representatives of the opposite sex. There were significantly fewer men, so some of the girls talked to each other.

The questions were divided into three parts, 12 in each. Time was limited, only 45 minutes for the entire study cycle.

As a result, it turned out that most of the couples participating in the experiment soon started families.

The girls, deprived of a partner of the opposite sex, remained on friendly terms.

This way they not only got to know each other better, but also shared information that sometimes even close relatives are not aware of. For one simple reason – they weren’t interested.

Take the initiative with a compliment

Do you want to please your future boss or make yourself known to a girl you care about? Then the best way is to study their biography in advance. What are they interested in, what achievements do they have? In fact, when you first meet, you will be fully prepared and quickly set the tone for the conversation: “I heard that you graduated from art school and are now creating masterful still lifes, is this true?” “I was told that you love to travel. It’s so interesting to know what countries you’ve visited!”

Sincere interest

There are only two ways to expand your circle of acquaintances: either show interest in others, or talk about yourself and your importance. Both will lead to results, but the first is much more effective. Because people will definitely respond and reciprocate to someone who is sincerely interested in their lives.

Let's focus on the fact that pretense will be immediately noticeable. Intonation, body language, and emotions will tell a person about this. Therefore, it is important not only to identify the interests of the interlocutor, but also to find a response to them in your heart.

President Roosevelt was an extremely educated man. He owes the breadth of his knowledge to his desire to get to know the person with whom he was to conduct a dialogue. He always started the conversation with something that aroused his opponent’s interest, showing competence in this matter.

But this technique is not an exhaustive answer to the question of how to win over your interlocutor.

How to gain trust

To build a good relationship with a person, you need to gain his trust and arouse sympathy. The advice of psychologists will help with this. However, on your part there must be a sincere interest in the person whose favor you want to gain. Pretense and ingratiation are clearly visible, unless, of course, you are a professional sycophant.

1. Find common ground. Find out what your friend's hobbies are. Common interests bring people together. If there are none, find a common topic: work, finances, food. Or ask him to tell him about his hobby. Showing interest in what is dear to the heart will evoke pleasant emotions.
2. Give compliments. You can always find something to praise a person for. Let the compliment be small, but sincere. So, it is better to note the beautiful color of a shirt than to admire the intelligence of someone you have known for 10 minutes. A compliment can be indirect, when you praise not the interlocutor, but what is dear to him. For example, “you have a well-mannered child,” “your home is a dream,” “skydiving is for the brave.” There is another technique: a compliment against the backdrop of a small remark. This way you will attract attention and be remembered. It could be: “I prefer to communicate with men about business, but you are a very interesting conversationalist.” It is important here not to overdo it with the remark, otherwise you will not win sympathy.
3. Value your and other people's time. This is a very valuable resource, so if you waste it on lateness and idle chatter with business partners, your image will suffer. Be punctual, complete everything on time and try to keep things to the point.
4. Make the person feel needed. Everyone has a need to feel significant; don’t be afraid to show that you really need the knowledge or skills of your interlocutor. Use phrases: “I want to consult with you,” “I need to know your opinion,” etc.
5. Ask for a small favor. We begin to feel some involvement in the lives of those we have helped. Therefore, the one who helped you becomes emotionally closer to you.
6. Help yourself. If you are asked for help, do it. Of course, to the best of your ability.
7. Watch how a person wants to look and make him feel like that. Again, no need to lie. Sometimes people focus on those virtues that a person is indifferent to. For example, a girl wants her intelligence to be appreciated, but everyone talks about her beautiful eyes. She will certainly appreciate it if you highlight what is important to her.
8. Live the adventure together. A special bond arises between people who have experienced strong emotions together. You become part of an important moment in a person's life, and the way they treat you can change greatly after that.

Ability to end a meeting

Every meeting should have a sense of progress, moving forward. Then you realize that there is a reason to continue communicating. It is always necessary to give meeting participants a clear understanding of what has been achieved, what will happen next, when, and who will take responsibility. There must be a clear understanding not only of the space where we are now, but also of how this stage relates to the whole, where the horizon for the end of further discussion is. As soon as there is uncertainty about the progress of your collaborative process, a feeling of dissatisfaction sets in after the meeting.

Finally, a valid tip for the success of any negotiation is to leave your phone alone. Otherwise, the interlocutor will never feel that the conversation is important to you and that you are serious.

• How to please people: a few tricks from an FBI agent
• Communicate like a billionaire: three tips from Warren Buffett

Eye contact

It's all in the look. People with shifty eyes appear distracted, frightened, and sometimes even liars. While maintaining eye contact isn't always easy, luckily there is a simple method for maintaining it.

Imagine that your eyes are glued to the eyes of your interlocutor like soft and viscous toffee. You don't have to look him straight in the eye all the time, just maintain eye contact periodically. If you stare, it will seem like a provocation or a hostile challenge.

What does eye contact do? He shows that you have nothing to hide, you are not afraid to look him in the eye, you are on an equal footing with him.

Ability to speak clearly

At one time there was a popular video on YouTube where, at a meeting, one of the employees suggests how to improve sales, but no one reacts to it. The same ideas, but more confidently, are voiced by another person - and everyone applauds. You need to be able to speak so that you are heard. The ability to express your thoughts clearly and clearly will ensure 50% of your success, allowing you to convince others.

How to learn to speak clearly, reasonedly and without filler words? One successful woman gave me good advice on this topic - you need to prepare for each meeting eight times longer than it will last. The apparent ease of conversation in 95% of cases is explained by the fact that people thoughtfully structure the discussion, planning in advance what to say, when to say it, how to sit, stand, move, how to modulate their voice in a particular conversation scenario. It's like theater - if you want the viewer to be imbued with it, you need to make sure that your entire image corresponds to the words and emotions. The interlocutor should feel that everything you say is meaningful, analyzed, and your words can be trusted.

Tips: What to Avoid

We have listed psychological techniques and methods: smiling, using names during dialogue, listening skills, showing sincere interest, emphasizing the importance of the interlocutor and discussing a topic that is significant to him. What other recommendations can be gleaned from the books of the great teacher and speaker?

When solving the problem of how to win someone over, you should categorically exclude the following points:

• Criticism.
• Complaints.
• Condemnation.

Nobody craves to receive negative emotions in the process of communication. If we assume the above, then we can significantly narrow the circle of people interested in dialogue with us. When we criticize, we include an element of our own superiority; when we complain, we try to present ourselves as a victim, which is equally unpleasant for the interlocutor.

There is another important tip to keep in mind: when communicating, you should not rely solely on logic. A person lives more by emotions, so he receives information not so much from well-structured phrases, but from the intonation, gestures and facial expressions of the speaker.

Remember to be grateful

If you're leading an important project and things take off, don't forget to thank the entire team for their contributions by treating them to a celebratory lunch, handing out bonuses, and reminding them how important their support was to you. The same goes for friendship and love. Remind your loved ones more often how grateful you are for their help and participation in your life, arrange pleasant surprises, and do not forget about gratitude. All of this is important because it shows you as a caring and generous person who appreciates others.

Text:

Nudge conversation with the question “Tell me...”

In the previous paragraph, we said that you need to “put on a doctor’s robe and listen,” but how can you get your interlocutor to talk? Questions serve these purposes. A good question implies a good answer. A bad question leads to a bad answer.

I remember when I started my career as a real estate agent, I often asked people questions formulated as follows: “Why are you selling an apartment?”, “Why is this price?” To which I received the standard short answers: “I need money!” and “So that there is enough money!” In such a situation, it was very difficult to maintain a conversation; short answers did not provide an opportunity to engage and draw the person into dialogue.

A little later, I wised up and changed the wording of the questions: “Tell me, what circumstances led you to the decision to put your apartment up for sale?”, “Tell me, what factors did you take into account when evaluating the apartment?” After such questions, I always received a detailed answer, which flowed into a confidential conversation. And trust was my goal.

I then adapted the phrase "Tell me..." for everyday situations, and it also works great when the goal is to get a quiet person to talk. And we remember: the more he talks, the more sympathy he feels for us.

Try it.

Listening skills

What makes up successful communication? In my opinion, the most important thing is the ability to listen. The key to the success of any customer service project is to understand the customer's original need. Your interlocutor does not always know exactly what he wants. Moreover, he can clearly articulate something completely different. And if you don't get to the bottom of it by asking the right questions, your brilliant solution may end up answering a need that isn't what the customer really cares about.

Advertising on Forbes

You need to listen and hear. I learned this lesson very well early in my career. A senior partner took me to my first meeting with the CEO of a large company. I was very nervous as I prepared to show our beautiful slides to a potential client and hear their opinion. But a colleague on the road flipped my script: now we are going not to talk, but to listen. When you are young, this is more difficult - pauses during a meeting seem too uncomfortable, you want to fill the information space, immediately express some smart ideas, and make an impression. The ability to naturally create an opportunity for your interlocutor to speak freely comes with experience. I have noticed more than once that more self-confident people are ready to listen, to dialogue based on monologues.

Don't be afraid to admit your weaknesses and mistakes

There is nothing more boring than polished perfection when we crush people with our huge egos. On top of that, a long list of advantages is repulsive and makes others feel depressed and unattractive against someone else’s shining background. It’s another thing to admit your imperfections and treat your weaknesses with humor. This position also defuses the situation, evokes sympathy and empathy. You are the same as everyone else, which means you are “one of our own” people.

Smile widely

You may find this advice too cliché, but believe me, smiling broadly is the fastest way to build trust.

A wide smile is a gesture that monkeys use when they want to show other primates that they are not a threat. Man is a primate. We come from the same ancestor as the apes. And this is inherent in us by nature - to smile and show open palms when we want to win over a person.

And yes, you may not believe in evolution, in common ancestors, and in the fact that man is a primate, but this trick works even without it.

Try it and you will see how much easier it is for you to win someone over, how much more willing people will listen to you and how much more comfortable they will feel in your company.

When I use the expression “smile wide,” I don’t mean that you need to put on an artificial smile all over your face, but I’m just saying that you need to try to smile naturally so that it doesn’t look like a fake grin. And this skill comes with practice. Two minutes a day in front of the mirror in the morning when brushing your teeth will be enough to practice a friendly smile.

Respectful sitting position

If you lean back in your chair with your legs crossed, your interlocutor will interpret this as a sign of neglect or disinterest. You should also not carefully and modestly occupy the edge of the chair; such a position will convey your lack of self-confidence.

Instead, try sitting as if there was a rope tied from the top of your head to the ceiling. Sitting up straight is a sign of intelligence, confidence and trust in yourself and your interlocutor. If you want to demonstrate your affection to a person, you can even tilt your torso slightly in his direction, but your back should still remain straight.

Apologize for things you had no control over

This may seem stupid, but the method works flawlessly. Stop looking for extreme ones, blaming accounting errors, traffic jams or inconsistent clients. Yes, it’s not your fault, but don’t rush to take away your colleagues’ right to anger and annoyance. By recognizing someone else's mistake as your own, you add bonuses to yourself in the eyes of people who perceive you as an intelligent, sensitive and responsible person.

Ability to structure a problem

You can move on to finding a solution only after it becomes clear to both of you what problem you are trying to solve. Many mothers, by the way, hone this skill in communicating with children - they need to find out what really bothers the child when he demands ice cream or something else. You can help a person understand what he really wants by correctly formulating questions.

An important point: when you, by carefully listening to your interlocutor, have found out his real task, you need to summarize the essence so that the interlocutor hears his thoughts in a structured form and passes it through himself. A good psychologist does not tell you what to do, but through leading questions helps you understand the problem and understand it. It’s the same in client business - we don’t bring a ready-made solution, we have to develop it together with the company so that it can be implemented.

How to show indifference?

When a person is relaxed, he leans towards the interlocutor and takes an open pose, leaving vulnerable parts of the body - the stomach, chest - without protection. We try to close these places if we don’t want to communicate or what we hear worries us. Many people know about crossed arms, but few people pay attention to the wrist. They are the ones who most accurately show a person’s true attitude. We have already learned to control our arms and legs, but our wrists still “live their own lives.” On a date or business meeting, pay attention to how the other person holds a glass or cigarette. If a new acquaintance likes you, he will more often turn his palm towards you, while an indifferent one will show the back of his hand

Main conclusions

• Sincere interest and sympathy for a person is the basis for building good relationships.
• Communication skills can and should be improved constantly.
• The impression created at the first meeting is very important: it can lead to long-term cooperation or, on the contrary, make it impossible.
• A warm smile, attention and interest in the interlocutor will help you gain favor at the first meeting.
• Be kind, find common ground, and make the person feel important. This will help you gain trust and build good relationships.

Ask an unexpected question

Give your interlocutor the opportunity to look at the topic of your discussion in a new way. Journalist Valery Agranovsky in one of his books told how, while trying to interview a taciturn specialist, he asked his interlocutor how many steps he took during a work shift.

Another time he had to do an interview with a physicist who asked him to send questions in advance, but ready-made answers would not give the feeling of a live conversation. And so, when he came to the meeting, Agranovsky saw diagrams on the board and asked why atoms are always drawn in round shapes, and not in rhombuses, for example. The physicist thought - why, really? The question piqued his interest and became the starting point for an exciting conversation.

Hands in the interlocutor's field of view

Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your hands, especially if you're a bit of a nervous person. I just want to hide them somewhere so that they don’t flicker under my eyes. And as a result, a person begins to hide them behind his back, in his pockets, or cross them, taking a closed pose. Thus, he pushes his interlocutor away from himself. He seems unfriendly, closed, and also insecure.

It's important to keep your hands visible so you don't look like you're hiding something.

Avoid positions where you appear to be on the defensive and in a defensive stance. Do not cover yourself with your hands, do not hide your palms.

Intentional mistakes

There is another interesting technique. When communicating with a person, you can intentionally make some small mistake. For example, pronouncing a word incorrectly. Or, let’s say, if you are communicating with a candidate of biological sciences, then you supposedly accidentally confuse bluegrass with nettles. People, as a rule, immediately begin to correct you, and this makes them feel better in their own eyes. Thus, they begin to feel even more confident around you. For them, this is an indicator that all people are imperfect. This means you can be imperfect yourself. And people, you yourself understand, love those with whom you can be imperfect.

Excerpt provided by Mann, Ivanov and Ferber Publishing House

A smile encourages communication

Pexels Photos

Dale Carnegie wrote: “Joy and hope are always attractive and attractive; gloominess and despair are never attractive” (from the book “The Art of Winning Friends”).

An interlocutor who is always serious becomes boring too soon. Do you want to be the soul of the conversation? Then you need to have a couple of jokes in stock. The main thing is that they are cheerful and decent.

The more open and sincere you are with people, the better your ability to communicate will be. Many people lack self-confidence and are therefore very fearful and cautious. Open up to your interlocutor. Trust and friendliness are valued in communication.

Watch your hands

The first impression of a stranger is formed in less than a second. In a short time, we evaluate a person primarily by how he looks. Why are hands important? According to Navarro, clothing is no longer such an obvious indicator of status, but good health is as sure a sign of a successful person as it was hundreds of years ago. After all, maintaining it requires time and money.

Hair and face, according to the expert, are also not the most reliable indicator due to the fickleness of fashion. But hands are another matter: they are either well-groomed or not. “Whether we are on a date or in the office, we always tend to evaluate a person based on how healthy and well-groomed his hands look,” the ex-agent concluded.

Brief information about the source

What will be taken as a basis? Carnegie Dale “How to Win People Over” is a work that answers a number of questions:

• How to make new friends while keeping old ones.
• How can you gain the trust of others?
• How to communicate effectively with people.
• Is it possible to find a common language with an initially conflicted person?
• How to influence someone else's opinion.
• How you can understand the feelings of others and control your own emotions.

What interests us most is how to win people over. The book was published in 1936 and immediately became a bestseller. It is still relevant, especially among people who have decided to start their own business. At the same time, the author does not hide:

All the ideas I admire are not mine. I took them from Socrates. I overheard Chesterfield. And he spied on Jesus. I wrote them all down in a book. (D. Carnegie)

Let's take a closer look at his advice.

Energetic and confident gait

Not everyone can walk with energy and confidence. Some people have a shuffling gait, timid and sluggish. Of course, we will not always be able to control it, especially if a confident gait is not typical for us, but we can do this intentionally in order to interest ourselves.

Walking may seem like a small thing. But we form an impression of a stranger even before he approaches us. And gait plays a big role here, namely, what kind of energy it carries.