What is love: Pixabay For thousands of years, humanity has been trying to explain what love is. There is no single definition at the moment, since each person perceives and understands it individually. Leading experts in the field of relationship psychology helped to find out what love is and how it develops.
• Storge – love based on a sense of duty
There is no romance or animal passion in such relationships. It’s just that two people have been together for so long, have experienced so much that they have become part of each other, “fused with roots.” Together they form a well-functioning mechanism, where each has their own role and a large share of responsibility. They will tear anyone apart for their family, because they are a continuation of each other. And even if their life is not seething with emotions, a sense of duty will not allow them to betray their partner, even if these two did not choose each other, even if they do not meet their ideals. The promise to be together through thick and thin is more important than any emotion.
Toxic love
The buzzword “toxic” is especially appropriate when applied to love.
Today, toxic love is a form of relationship that is somewhat reminiscent of addiction. No one has enjoyed the process for a long time, but it still continues because there is no strength to leave the relationship
As a result, partners (or one of them) begin to harass each other. It happens that someone may even get dubious pleasure from this process. In any case, such love tends to drag on for a long time - and the longer it continues, the more damage it will cause to the partners.
Stages of development
There are several stages in psychology:
- Falling in love is the initial stage. This is the stage of romance, enchantment. At this stage, the first idea of the partner is formed and idealized. Positive qualities are exaggerated, negative ones are denied. When you fall in love, it seems that your partner is your soul mate, with whom you can go through all life’s obstacles. The sensations are caused by the action of hormones.
- Habituation or saturation. This stage comes after several months of living together. Hormones no longer have an enhanced effect on the psyche, uncontrollable cravings cool down. Partners begin to devote more time to their personal interests. At this stage, the first quarrels and resentments appear, but this is a normal phenomenon. To move forward, lovers must learn to make concessions, forgive, and not pay attention to quarrels.
- Disgust. A difficult stage at which many couples break up. Ideals crumble, a desire appears to change something or replace a partner. All this leads to focusing on the shortcomings of a loved one. If you do not learn to seek compromises in quarrels, the relationship will be destroyed.
- Humility. If the couple has gone through the stage of disgust, the lovers begin to understand each other better. They notice something new, begin to develop relationships together, set goals for themselves, and achieve them through joint efforts.
- Studying. At this stage, lovers define their roles and clarify the nuances of life together. For example, when you need to be alone, go to relatives, etc.
- Proximity. Psychologists believe that you need to get married at this stage. The lovers begin to trust each other.
- Doubts. After several years of living together, some suspicions arise. Spouses begin to compare their lives with the dreams that they had before, and think about how their life could have turned out without marriage - for the better or for the worse.
- Sexuality. To strengthen relationships, spouses begin to look for variety in sex.
The last stage is love. This is a feeling that is taken to the absolute. The spouses know how to have fun together and completely trust each other.
Smolensk “Cinderella” and the American artist
When Sveta graduated from the Faculty of Foreign Languages, her future did not seem bright. The girl got a job as a salesperson in a hardware store, but for some reason her diploma was not useful anywhere else. However, I decided not to give in to fate and become happy at all costs.
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Her knowledge of English did come in handy; on the Internet, Svetlana met the American Matt Enzack. An abstract artist from distant and hot Dallas, he is 10 years older than Svetlana. He once studied in Russia and since then has been in love with Russian art and the beauty of Russian women. As it turned out later, during his studies Matt made a wish to return here again and find his destiny here.
When the friendship grew into something more, Matthew invited Sveta to fly to Venice, where he took part in one of the art shows. A romantic week united their hearts forever. In April 2011 they got married.
- Aren't you scared? - friends asked the girl when she last stood on the platform of the Smolensk station.
- On the contrary, I am very happy!
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What is needed for mutual love to arise?
Mutual love does not happen at the snap of a finger. It is never planned. In my deep conviction, it comes from heaven, since not all couples can truly love each other.
They say that in a relationship, one loves, and the other allows himself to be loved. But then it's not mutual. Then one plows on the relationship, and the other dangles his legs and sits on his neck. If you have not had psychological trauma, if the relationship is sincere and trusting, then nothing prevents it from being mutual.
For mutual love to arise, chemistry and work are needed. Not everyone has the talent to love. Those couples who were able to mutually express and preserve this deep feeling were truly lucky.
Mutual love
Wedding on the day of the opposition rally
The romance of Mikhail and Marina Yakovlev developed against the backdrop of raging political passions. They met after another radio broadcast, in which the social activist exposed the shortcomings of the current government.
“It was May 12,” says Marina. — The radio was on at work during my lunch break. The presenter invited everyone to call live and tell about themselves. Listeners could send a message and get to know the speaker. That’s how I heard Mikhail for the first time. Without thinking twice, I sent an SMS.
Soon Mikhail proposed, but as fate would have it, the wedding date on September 15 coincided with an action in support of the March of Millions. Attending the event was the subject of long debate between the couple. As a result, Mikhail adjusted the route of the wedding card so as to be on the square at the right time. Marina remained in the car while her husband protested for 15 minutes.
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Marital love
The main distinguishing feature of marital love is that it is based on “an ever-increasing knowledge of each other, replacing fantasy,” as researchers Carla Baur and Robert Crooks state in their book Sexuality. In addition, this type of relationship is characterized by the compassion that both partners show towards each other: “compassion” does not mean pity, of course, but the ability to understand the emotions of a loved one. There is less passion in such love than in sensual love, but it is more durable.
Don't be born beautiful
Valery Ponomarev was not a wanted child. His mother tried so hard to get rid of the fetus that the boy was born disfigured: almost blind and with a large red hemangioma, which with age covered his entire face. Fortunately, the boy's mind and heart were not damaged. At school, he kept up with his peers, tried to be friends with the guys, not being offended by the teasing “senor tomato.” Nature has endowed him with perseverance and intelligence. Since his youth, Valery has been versed in complex technology: he repairs televisions, refrigerators, bicycles and cars.
He met his betrothed in 1994, the oriental beauty Elvira tripped on the stairs, and Valery gallantly offered to help her. We started dating. Evil tongues immediately reported the unusual suitor to Elvira’s father: “Why do you need such a son-in-law?” However, the feeling that flared up turned out to be strong. Seeing how tenderly and caringly Valery treated his daughter, the father did not listen to anyone and threw a wedding, which was attended by the whole street.
On December 19, 1999, a handsome, strong man was born. Now 13-year-old Kolya is a five-time champion of the Stavropol Territory in judo, the pride of the school.
Valery and Elvira consider themselves happy people, the only thing missing is the desire to finally live as their own family. Now they share an apartment with Valery’s mother, who does not really like her son’s family. However, the incredible warmth of their own relationship - hard-won, deserved - makes the world around them beautiful.
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• Mania love as addiction
Present in many romantic relationships early on. The threat begins when the obsession with a partner drags on in earnest. Such love has a destructive effect on all participants because it is built on the desire to possess and control. As a result, feelings are sucked into a whirlpool, forced to suffer, torment, abandon oneself, and live in constant tension. One feels pressure and runs away. The other pursues with all passion, losing himself, tormented by jealousy. Such love is destructive, somewhat reminiscent of the relationship between a torturer and a masochist.
The Decembrist's wife: follow her husband to the end
History has preserved many beautiful love stories, but the selfless Decembrists are still an example of devotion.
Polish beauty Albina Wisniewska fell in love with her future rebellious husband, exchanging letters with him. When she turned 18, and the girl received an inheritance after the death of her father, Albina decided to leave her mother in order to leave the established European life for the unknown, frightening Muscovy. Her family saw her off crying, as if saying goodbye forever. That’s how it turned out, however.
Her betrothed Vincent Migursky was already living in exile, in the city of Uralsk, Orenburg region. During the uprising of 1830-1831. he served in the 4th Line Infantry Regiment in Warsaw. After the suppression of the uprising he emigrated to France. During a private trip to Radom, he was accidentally arrested by the tsarist authorities, recognized and, by a court verdict, sent as a private to the 1st battalion of the separate Orenburg corps, stationed in Uralsk.
Vincent and Albina got married in 1837. Their firstborn died in infancy, and the same fate befell their second child. They refused to bury the children in the city cemetery, because the Mingurskys were of other faiths. Realizing that happiness could not be found here, they decided to escape. First they staged Vincent’s death, then the “widow” obtained permission to return to her homeland. Having loaded two children's coffins into the carriage and hidden her husband under a bench, the selfless Pole set off. However, a road accident ruined the daring plan. The crew crashed after hitting a rock, Vincent was wounded and exposed.
As punishment, Mingursky was thrown even further into Siberia. Albina followed her husband without a doubt. She died in 1843. She was buried with her little son in a strange Siberian land.
Vincent served for almost 20 more years in Eastern and Western Siberia and was able to return to Warsaw only before his death.
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About the types of love in more detail
How to define sympathy or friendship?
There are many types of love in psychology. You just need to remember that person to whom you can tell your deepest secrets absolutely without any embarrassment and without fear of being ridiculed or humiliated. Trust and support in everything are signs of friendly relations. You can feel sympathy for a friend or girlfriend, but this feeling cannot be classified as love. Falling in love may seem like a strong feeling, but it will never last because there is no intimacy and commitment.
It is usually caused by sexual desire. But before deciding on a long-term relationship, you need to try to understand whether this person is really so dear.
In psychology, a type of love is feelings for family and relatives. This is empty love. It is difficult for a person to imagine himself in the future without these people, but he does not feel physical attraction to them. They also do not share personal information with each other. Sometimes marriages can also be built on this type of relationship.
