Causes
Psychologists cannot accurately and unambiguously name the specific causes of age-related crises. Certain influencing causes of the 3-year crisis and factors that can be traced in certain situations are identified.
- Features of the child's temperament . Children with a weak or unstable type of nervous activity are more likely to experience a crisis with the most acute manifestations. It is especially difficult for children with choleric temperament or melancholic children. Sanguine and phlegmatic people are less susceptible to crisis changes.
- Authoritarian parenting is another reason for the serious crisis of preschool age. The constant dictatorship of parents, suppression of initiative and ignoring the wishes of the child leads to violent protests.
- Increased anxiety of parents and excessive care for the baby (overprotection) . The child’s aspirations and desires are suppressed due to excessive worry about his health. Parents do not consider the child independent; they do everything for him.
- Health problems . Mental disorders, neurological diseases and severe chronic pathology affect the reactions of children.
- Conflicts within the family . In this case, psychologists give recommendations for parents - not to involve the child in adult problems and to protect him from clarifying parental relationships and negativity.
If the child is under 3 years old
At this age, any whim is a signal for the parent, a call to consider the original situation, where it all began. You need to remove the root cause, then the “wrong” behavior will stop. First of all, this reason is a painful condition. The baby has a cold, his head hurts, his teeth are teething, his stomach is twisting. At the same time, the toddler is not yet able to clearly explain what is bothering him. Moreover, until the age of 4-5, many children do not know how to concentrate on a sore spot. That is, simply put, they are unable to point with their finger exactly where it hurts. The second common cause of whims is that the baby did not get enough sleep. Third, you put him under time pressure. This is a big problem for modern mothers who are always in a hurry, always late, don’t know how to plan time, and the child is to blame: “Drop everything, get dressed immediately, we’re late!”
What medicine can help? If your child needs attention, do everything you can with him. Peel the potatoes not silently, but saying all your actions: “Look how big the potatoes are. Now we’ll pour water into the pan and you’ll put the potatoes in it.” Little pioneers love kitchen utensils. He doesn't need a super educational expensive toy, but he needs to pour the buckwheat into a bowl and hit it with a ladle. As long as he is sincerely interested in something, he does not have the slightest desire to whine.
Children's hysteria or whim? What disease lies behind bad behavior Read more
Key symptoms of the crisis: 7 major changes
To one degree or another, the manifestations have similar features in all children; only the severity of the key characteristics of the 3-year-old crisis differs. Parents describe common manifestations as changes in behavior and disobedience, scandals and hysterics, tears literally over every little thing. Psychologists identify 7 main symptoms of crisis behavior:
- Negativism . The child flatly refuses to follow the instructions of adults, even if this request is beneficial to the child himself. To any requests - a clear “no”.
- Obstinacy . The baby suddenly changes his habits and does not want to adhere to the regime. Through scandals and hysterics, he tries to win the right to do as he wants.
- Stubbornness . The child makes a decision and strictly adheres to this line. It is impossible to force, persuade or motivate him to do certain habitual actions. He will cry, but clearly stand his ground.
- Self-will . The baby wants to do things on his own, ignoring the parents' prompts or words.
- Protest . The peculiarities of this characteristic are a storm of emotions in relation to his parents’ instructions about what he should do. If parents have chosen or decided something for him, the child refuses these things or actions.
- Depreciation . The baby stops appreciating those things or actions that were previously important, loved or dear to him. He may throw and break his favorite toys, call his parents names, fight with his brothers and sisters, and refuse his favorite treats.
- Despotism . The child tries to command family members, demands submission and unquestioning obedience. If his whims are not fulfilled, hysterics and screams follow, stamping his feet and raising his voice. Source: D.M. Shakirova, A.F. Gilmanova. Age crises in children of preschool and school age // Skif. Student Science Questions, 2021.
Not all of these signs may manifest themselves equally clearly; sometimes certain symptoms predominate, which are triggered most often and which the child uses as an instrument of influence.
Children's tantrums: how to extinguish them and prevent them
Authors : Kozlov N.I.
Children sometimes throw tantrums: they fall on the floor, bang their arms and legs, and destroy everything around them. Where does this come from and what to do with it?
Sometimes they say that children’s hysteria is always a reaction to an adult, a response to the fact that there is something threateningly wrong in the relationship between an adult and a child. This is not entirely true, this is some exaggeration of the role of an adult.
A child is not only a reacting creature, responding to this or that, correct or not, behavior of an adult. Thank God, children can be very active, leading their own games and policies towards adults.
Children's hysterics have many roots, and it is not only and not always a reaction to the erroneous behavior of an adult. Disobedience and hysterics are age-related symptoms, sometimes they are signals that the child is tired or ill, and most often this is a test of the child’s parental stability, a test of strength: “Is it possible, parents, not to obey you?” Typically, children start tantrums by watching other children do it, and then try the tantrum on their parents. If the parents actually allow the hysteria and reinforce it with their actions, the child begins to actively use the hysteria.
Story from a reader: “My daughter is 4 years old, she got sick, her temperature is below 40. I need to give her a pill, but she doesn’t care: she spits out the pill, screams, if we try to force the pill into her mouth, she practically vomits. We fought with her for almost three hours, but I didn’t lag behind... When we were both exhausted and she realized that I wouldn’t lag behind anyway, she suddenly instantly calmed down and clearly asked: “And if I take a pill, what will happen to me?”
How to deal with hysterics and where to find the nerve to withstand a child’s crying? The answers are simple: don't allow tantrums to begin with. Remember that hysteria is an emotion, which means it is only a signal to key people in order to convey information to them. On the other hand, tell your child how he can achieve his goal without crying or making excuses, namely, teach him to make a request.
The magic formula for this is: “When you cry and scream, I don’t understand you. Tell me calmly what you want.”
If the child was able to stop crying and asked you calmly, if possible, meet him halfway - the child’s correct actions should be rewarded. It is important that if a healthy child receives everything that he really needs, he demands less of what he simply wants.
Mom's report: “My 2-year-old daughter sits at her table and does something there. Everyone else is at a common table. Suddenly she starts yelling sharply and loudly. At first I can’t understand what she needs, she still speaks poorly. Then I make out the words: “I want to paint.” This means painting with a brush. I look at her carefully and say: “Come to me and calmly explain what you need.” He comes up without shouting, but very quietly: “I want to mow.” I answer: “Take a glass and go get some water.” I went to get some water, the issue was resolved.”
How you specifically react in any specific situation is not important at all. The immediate response can be almost anything; it is of little importance in comparison with your system of behavior, the system of your relationship with the child. If you know how to raise a child in principle, you can once allow yourself both untimely softness and unjustified harshness. Everything is not scary if your main line of upbringing is correct.
The main rule in this case is: “The adult (father and mother) is in charge.” Don't be fooled by hysterics. Control your child, don't let your child control you.
If you need to go about your business, but the child is yelling and doesn’t want to let you go, go about your business. The child will cry, maybe even scream - no one has ever died from this. This is not harmful to health, it develops the child’s lungs and makes him more resilient. If he doesn’t want to wash (get dressed, go for a walk), but he needs to wash (get dressed, go for a walk), wash him, dress him, send him for a walk, and his protests are his choice and his entertainment.
The best parent is a strong parent who uses her strength to care for her child and knows it is the right thing to do. (Watch a fragment from the film “The Miracle Worker.” It is based on the real story of the remarkable scientist Helen Keller, who in early childhood, having survived an illness, lost her hearing and sight. And also became a little tyrant. The new teacher, Annie Sullivan, decides to give her a fight Be prepared - this is a difficult story.)
Follow the Main Rule, but don’t go against yourself. If, while fulfilling the Rule, you doubt your own rightness, especially if you internally consider yourself a monster, a “disgusting mother”, a “moral monster” (option - they tell you this, and you feel some kind of truth in it), then someday You don’t have to resist. There is no need for fanaticism; exceptions are possible when you don’t have to resist and look for more flexible options.
Once upon a time you can sit with a child, if he does not let you go, it will hardly take more than 15 minutes - and then he will let you go. If he doesn’t want to wash himself (get dressed, go for a walk), don’t pester him unless absolutely necessary, no one has ever died from this. Later you’ll wash and dress, and then he’ll go for a walk. The main thing is not to strain yourself internally.
The best parent is the one who feels good inside.
The main thing is to think about the future, cultivate the right habits.
Preventing tantrums (memo for parents)
Reacting to persistent hysterics is like putting out a fire that has already flared up. The art of parents is not to skillfully defeat the child or successfully navigate out of a difficult battle, but to ensure that the battle does not arise, so that the child does not form the habit of hysteria. This is called the prevention of hysterics, the main directions here are as follows.
First, think about the reasons. What is behind today's hysteria? Just a situational, random reason - or is there something systemic here that will repeat itself? You can ignore the situational and random: relax and forget. And if it seems that we are talking about something that can be repeated, you need to think more seriously. This may be erroneous behavior, or it may be problematic. Figure it out.
Secondly, answer the question of whether you have taught your child to obey you. There are no hysterics in a child whose parents have taught him to obey his parents. Therefore, teach your child to listen and obey you, starting with the simplest and easiest things. Teach your child sequentially, from easy to difficult. The simplest algorithm:
- Teach your child to do your tasks, starting with what he wants to do himself.
- Teach your child to fulfill your requests, reinforcing this with joy.
- Do your own thing without reacting to your child - in cases where you yourself are confident that you are right and know that everyone will support you.
- Demand the minimum, but when everyone supports you.
- Give assignments with confidence. Let the child do it when it’s not difficult for him or, even more so, when he wants to do it a little.
- Give difficult and independent tasks. To do it, and then come and show (or report).
- And, naturally, your example is important. Teaching a child to have order if your room and table are a mess is a very controversial experiment. You may not have the psychological skill to do this. If in your family Order lives at the level of the Icon, order is naturally respected by all adults - the child will most likely absorb the habit of order at the level of elementary imitation.
Next is the experience of parents.
Ignore the tantrum
“My chick was a year and a half old, but he was still such a bummer. I put him in a stroller, he slid down in it, so that his legs dragged along the ground, and screamed. I stopped, made him sit comfortably, but as soon as I started moving, he slid down again and screamed. One day he did this to me again, I made him sit comfortably several times, saw that this was not helping, and rolled the stroller without stopping. So we walked: I rolled the stroller with a stone face, and my son rode in it, half sitting and half lying down, with his legs dragging along the ground, and ROARING. After a couple of blocks he became silent, and then he sat more comfortably in the stroller, and there was no more such problem.”
Tatyana Rozova writes:
“If you want to scream, go to your room and scream as much as you want. If you scatter things, you can clean them up yourself later. If you don't want to leave, I'll take it. When you go out, I'll close it. Banning hysteria is difficult. But it’s easy to make it meaningless. If there is no one to yell for, then children, as a rule, don’t yell.”
I hung it upside down on my shoulder
“A simple trick helped me: if my children started yelling loudly and rowdy, I raised the child high to my shoulder, and then threw it further over my shoulder, so that he ended up with his butt up behind my back. If this did not calm him down, I slowly let him go lower and lower behind his back, holding him only by his legs. Sooner or later, the child was already holding on to me, as to the only savior, and stopped crying, because crying in this position was already uncomfortable and simply made it difficult to hold on. Well, good. Then we moved on cheerfully and calmly.
I took it under my arm
“My son is not a crybaby. Now on the hockey rink he will never show that he is in pain or offended, but as a child he had increased intracranial pressure, and as a result he was easily excitable and often shouted loudly. Almost every day the same picture was repeated: I was going home, carrying a child under my arm, he was screaming and kicking loudly. At first glance, it’s creepy and unacceptable. In fact, he couldn’t do it any other way. While walking, he suddenly began to run somewhere (to the roadway, for example), demand something impossible, sit on the ground and sit or lie, and then yell. Nothing worked. There was only one way - to take him under his arm (there was no other way, because he was bending and struggling) and carry him home. Place it on the floor (it could fall from anywhere else) and leave it alone. After some time, he calmed down; if they asked why he was crying, he said, “I don’t know.” The main thing was not to get angry - the calmer I felt and behaved, the faster it all ended. Now he is in 1st grade, he is very focused in class and works very well. What remains is emotionality - instant crying if something goes wrong (but only in front of mom or dad). Then the main thing is to react quickly, offering a way out of the situation, and say a few comforting words - his face immediately brightens.
I am sure that you cannot do such a thing - a child asks for something, you refuse him, he continues to ask, then whines, then cries, and then you agree. This will definitely make you hysterical. The child must understand that “yes” is “yes” and “no” is “no”. The basic principle of behaviorism works here: “stimulus-response-reinforcement.” By indulging in hysterics, when you eventually fulfill the child’s demand (for example, a hysteric “take him in your arms” or “buy a doll”, etc.), you reinforce this stereotype of behavior in the child - “hysteria works! This can achieve results!
Such indulgence is especially dangerous when raising girls, since women are more prone to hysterical reactions than men, and subsequently, already in adulthood, hysteria learned in childhood can completely cripple a woman’s life, making a man’s life together with her unbearable. As a result, such a woman will be doomed to either remain alone, or will change husbands/cohabitants all her life, hoping to meet a “prince” who is ready to fulfill all her hysterical demands at the first request. If you don’t want such a fate for your child, don’t be fooled by children’s tantrums, stick to your line calmly and methodically, without shouting or spanking, but insisting and getting your way.”
Go to another room
“These things helped me. First, in case of hysteria, everyone should go into another room and leave the child without spectators. As the child cries to someone, the crying soon stops. But it's not fast. If you don’t have time (today we were in a hurry to see the doctor, and she suddenly became stubborn), then you can hug my sweetheart, hold her close and not let go. She first breaks out, then starts laughing, and I start tickling her... Everything ended up fun and wonderful.”
Don't lie on the ground, you'll end up dirty!
“When my daughter was three years old, I practiced a strict rule: if she fell on the ground on purpose, we immediately completed the walk and returned home. This had to be done only three times, after which the connection between the offense and the negative consequence was learned. And by about the age of five, I already did this: if my daughter walked carelessly and got herself very dirty, I left everything as it was and sent her out for a walk in dirty overalls, noting that she now didn’t look as attractive as usual. And when she asked me to do the laundry, I would involve her in the washing: “You got your clothes dirty today, now put everything in order.” Mutual understanding was established quickly.”
Natural consequences punish visually
“Nothing is more convincing to a child than the method of natural consequences. If he starts throwing toys in a rage, great, we take a large garbage bag and put all the toys in there. “I see that you have decided to free yourself from these toys. Okay, I accept your choice! Further, depending on the situation: either you go to throw them away (it is important that the child himself sees this), or you put them away for a while. Usually, putting away your favorite toys even for an hour is already a good lesson.
Likewise, if you went to the store and the child became naughty there, you simply turned around and returned home without shopping, with nothing. There is nothing to eat. Without reproaching the child, you are distressed, and even better, when the whole family is distressed - oh, how hungry, how bad it is that you couldn’t buy anything... But everyone behaves with the child as if nothing had happened, no guilt is charged to him. In my family, once was enough.”
Allegations of cruelty
“If you gave birth to me, you must take care of me! You have no right to take my things from me! You are not a mother, you don’t love me!” “Daughter, I understand correctly that now that we have sorted things out, you would like to better understand the legal component of the relationship between parents and children, namely, what are the rights and responsibilities of the child, and what are the rights and responsibilities of the parents? I am pleased with this, I will be happy to tell you this. Are you really interested in this?”
Source
published 12/08/2018 15:49 updated 17/08/2018 — Pedagogy and psychology, Growth and development
Primary School
This period is difficult because school is usually the cause of moodiness. It could be bad relationships with teachers or other students, or your obsession with grades. The child begins to feel that school is more important to his parents than himself. That is, before he was a necessary, beloved child, but now he is of interest to parents only as an addition to school. The main thing here is to set your priorities correctly. Do you want your child to be physically and psychologically healthy? Then accept the fact that school is an intermediate stage and grades do not mean anything for the child’s future life.
What needs to be done to make the whims disappear? If these are problems with the teacher or another student, try to solve them. If the problem is your high expectations, stop criticizing people for bad grades. Praise your child and you will see for yourself how great it works.
Naughty child 2 years old
Capriciousness and occasionally hysterical behavior are considered, in fact, a natural way and practically the only opportunity through which a child tries to demonstrate his inner feelings. With such behavior, children try to explain what is wrong with them.
For what reason did a 2-year-old child suddenly become capricious and whiny? How should your family behave and how can you help your baby?
In the two-year period, moodiness is associated with the children's needs (for example, to drink, eat) or their feeling of discomfort (for example, smaller shoes are tight on the foot). Often, manifestations of capriciousness can have a connection with the internal state of the children. In case of illness, they may feel anxiety and pain that children are not even able to understand, and even more so to explain to adults. When faced with any incomprehensible discomfort, children, first of all, try to suppress them, as a result of which they demand that one “I want” be fulfilled, then another. However, the discomfort does not go away, so they burst into tears. Parents may regard such behavior as a whim.
Often, after suffering from an illness, children continue to be capricious, demanding the same increased attention to themselves as they had during their illness. As a result, for many parents the pressing question becomes how to raise a capricious child? To do this, raising adults need to understand that a two-year-old baby is already able to adequately perceive prohibitions, remember the rules and follow them. Therefore, it is recommended that parents choose a line of behavior that will be based, first of all, on consistency and unity.
Consistency in educational influence means that once a child is prohibited from doing something, he must then stick to it.
Unity lies in the consistency of the educational strategy between all participants in this process. In other words, if dad punished the baby for some actions, then mom should support dad. If she does not agree with his actions, the current situation should be discussed, but only so that the baby does not hear.
You also need to take into account that capricious children love the public. Therefore, if you leave the baby alone in the room for a while, the hysteria will subside on its own. With this behavior, parents demonstrate their position, which is a clear signal to the child that he will not be able to achieve anything with such actions. Consequently, the need to behave in this manner will disappear.
The need for independent decisions
At the age of three, a child wants to be independent. Allow him to do some work himself, teach your child to help around the house. Let him, for example, water your house plants or lay out spoons on the dining table. And let the flower wither, and instead of a tablespoon you bring a teaspoon, the main thing is that you already have an independent child and does everything himself.
Don't make fun of children's tastes if the little one is wearing purple jeans, an orange shirt and a green cap. It is important for the bunny that his choice is appreciated by his father and mother, and the sense of taste will appear over time.
Give your child the right to choose. Consult with him about breakfast, what book he would prefer to listen to, what bucket he will go for a walk with. Allow your child to make personal decisions.
