This article will be useful to all those who are broken by circumstances, changes or even other people, those who want to survive dark times and regain the freedom to be themselves, rejoice and continue to live. If you have ever felt lost and empty, are going through difficulties at the moment or want to know how to deal with them in the future, all you need to know as an introduction is that you are reading the story shared with us by Marina D. from St. Petersburg.
We can say that this is a person who has known the taste of loneliness, despair, pain, but is not ready to break down and wants to help all those who are in trouble today, in other words, this article is about how to learn to live again.
Don't be afraid to lose integrity
I have been loved many times and loved myself. Surrounded by people with different attitudes towards sensuality, loneliness and love, I always believed that my way of living was the most correct. Every time I broke up with someone who used to be dear to me, I thought that being honest with myself was even more important than being honest with the people around me. That’s why I wasn’t afraid to be alone, but to go out inside, yes. Fortunately for me, life gave gifts tirelessly. One love was immediately replaced by another, the old romance, tired of imperfections and dissatisfaction, became a thing of the past, and a new one began, showing that life can be much wider and deeper than I previously thought. New people proved to me that I was right, living by the principle: “be brave, and you will definitely get something wonderful.” And, indeed, that’s how it happened. I never believed in karma, fate, samsara, etc., but the fear of falling apart whispered to me from within. It's much easier to be wise when everything is at your feet. I can’t say that I didn’t experience difficulties, and life was pure bliss for me - no.
And there were tears, and suffering and fears, but never before did I know what it was like to be broken, to lose integrity.
I created myself. Like a painting, like a song whose words I carefully chose. I sounded, attracting people, making them fall in love with me, forcing them to listen to me endlessly. And most importantly, I loved myself, because I sculpted my essence for so long. Being a person who is not indifferent to art, I searched for depth and boundlessness within myself. And so, I was ready, and life began to sparkle with all its colors, leaving behind everything that I chose to cross out and forget.
Can you imagine that a person who was slowly floating with the flow of life, enjoying all its offerings, could suddenly break down. Not like a defective toy, but to explode like a grenade, scattering into millions of fragments that seemed impossible to collect. And, by the way, this is still impossible. Lest it seem that I am telling a philosophical story, I will include in my narrative facts that prove that I am a person, real and living, just a long-winded thinker.
A year ago I lost a loved one in a terrible incident. It was this incident that became for me the point of no return to my former life, holistic and happy. I didn’t just break down, I ceased to exist, not as literally as he did, but still. I'm not talking about life, it always goes on, I'm talking about essence. Everything that I had carved with the skill of a jeweler for many years collapsed like a undermined building and went into oblivion. That's when I felt completely empty and alone.
Requests for help Write your story I'm tired.. I'm almost 26 years old. I have nothing in life, no housing, no love, no real friends.. just work at a factory which I can't stand but I've been going there for 5 years now so that pay for rented housing and that is. I have no prospects, aspirations, goals.. I’m going with the flow. I have a higher education. I tried to find a decent job.. in ministries, etc.. it didn’t work out.. I’m weak.. fears stronger than me..I won’t get a salary, I won’t have anything to live on. So I’ll go out in this factory. A year ago, I fell in love for the first time in my life for real.. she was everything to me, I blew away specks of dust from her. One morning he declares.. that he has stopped loving.. “you have no goals in life.”. and gave a day to collect things..(she is very successful in herself. A promising doctor, works two jobs). After that, I completely realized my worthlessness.. because she’s right.. I’m nothing of myself.. and she needs a man like that next to her.. strong.. goal-oriented.. with a good position or at least the prospect of it... and what am I.. well, yes.. good, handsome, well-mannered, I will never offend.. who needs that? My mother was thrown into an apartment a long time ago under circumstances that are still incomprehensible to me, and so we live from apartment to apartment. spent the last 3 years on family life, trying to start my own family... but in the end they didn’t care about me... I never saved anything. My mother doesn’t really have a job, my grandmother is tiny in retirement. If they fire me from work, we’ll be left on the street, we have no relatives at all. We’re all imaginary friends, there’s no one to talk to openly. Only parties. I don’t find a common language with people well, I have a lot of fears that weigh on me every day. I’m weak and I understand it, I have no core.. I stood there yesterday and I thought.. maybe he doesn’t care about all this? I remembered about my mother and grandmother.. I asked the Lord for forgiveness.. but how long until these thoughts come again.. nothing changes, the pain in my soul is torn apart.. every day. .every hour...almost stopped eating... Tomorrow I'll get up..I'll come to work..everything looks good on the outside, but inside..I'm lost in life, I'm probably a loser and a wimp. Should I come to terms with this? I can’t..and I understand that it’s practically impossible to change myself..I’m a weakling..and I’m afraid of everything..not on the outside, but on the inside..and I’ll continue to live like this..I’ll definitely lay hands on me..
Isp, age: 25 / 07/04/2014
Responses:
Lsp, dear, I feel that you are not a stupid person, I read your letter and so wanted to support you. I'll express my opinion. Now you have a heavy burden on your shoulders - responsibility for the life of your mother and grandmother, the lack of your own home, and when it is not there and it is not expected, it is a state of uncertainty that presses like a stone. Of course, that’s why you feel so insecure in life. We need to decide something about housing, this is important. I personally would buy the cheapest thing, at least some tiny room or house in a nearby settlement, get as much of a mortgage as possible, at worst, buy an inexpensive garage (and if there was nowhere to go, I would live there) or The dacha is cheap, but you need something of your own. I don’t know why your personal life did not work out, but I categorically disagree with what you write, as if you are good, handsome, incapable of offending, and no one needs you. Apparently, you are in a very depressed and depressed state, you are not confident in yourself, the girls feel it. I assume so, but even if so, it means you haven’t met a truly good girl who can support you in difficult times. You are very young, life is just beginning, there will be a holiday on your street, you’ll see! If you don’t like the job at all, keep looking for another one, don’t give up looking. Don't be discouraged, set goals for yourself, don't be afraid. Everything will work out if you go step by step, as they say: the one who walks can master the road! You have a mother and grandmother, you are so happy, you can’t even imagine! It would be nice for my mother to find a stable job, even with a small salary. With common efforts it would be easier to buy a home. Please, dear friend, don’t be discouraged, I have experienced firsthand what it’s like to be left homeless in a foreign city, without the support of close relatives, I know how difficult it is. Thank God, the Lord did not abandon me. Please, LSP, hold on! Yes, our life is hard, but we still have to fight and not give up! Don't be afraid of anything, go through life boldly. He who does nothing makes no mistakes! Don’t be afraid to make mistakes in life, and if you fall, get up and move on, with experience comes confidence. I hug you tightly and wish you happiness.
Lena, age: 31 / 07/05/2014
Dear Isp, you understand: people are not born with a core, life cultivates this core in us. Every difficult step hardens you and makes you stronger. You are a man, a support for your mother and grandmother, I am sure they love you very much, you are the light in their window. Everyone has failures in love, every person has had their heart broken into pieces at least once in their life so that the world was not kind, everyone goes through this, you will too. Think, make plans, look for a solution to your life situation, you are still very young! The main thing is to move) Strength and good luck! P.S. Watch autobiographical films, usually these are real stories about strong people. These stories inspire you to move on and not give up.
Elizaveta, age: 28 / 07/05/2014
Isp, don't you even think about it! Not even for a second, what are you talking about! Russia really needs people like you, really! I have so many good friends in Russia who cannot even dream of someone like you (not a drinker, well-mannered). You simply don’t know your own price yet. And the girl who left you. I left it today, and tomorrow I’ll ask for it back. Because very often “target” men behave disgustingly, cheat, and treat badly. Well, it all comes later, after 30. And your girlfriend will still remember you. Under no circumstances should you be discouraged, come on! You don't drink, you're not a drug addict, you earn something. Meet a girl, take out a mortgage and you will have a place to live (I live abroad and everything here is mortgaged, so what). Now they have simply zombified people, both men and women, that money is the main thing, that if a man is not a millionaire, then he should rest in the trash heap. This, of course, is a lie, not true. Especially for Russia, where the statistics are that there are much fewer men than women. Do you go to church? Maybe there is some kind of youth club there where you can meet a good Orthodox girl? You write that partying is alien to you. Believe me, for someone you will definitely become the most beloved husband and father. Regarding friends - well, that’s also a small myth. In fact, a person's friends are his family. Because how many times has everyone been convinced that as soon as a person has problems, all friends immediately disappear somewhere. Isp, you just need a good girl - maybe even register on a dating site? My Orthodox friend found a so-so good husband...
Marina, age: 33 / 07/05/2014
Listen, you are only 25 years old, you are so young. Sometimes it happens in life that there is a series of difficulties that seem insoluble. And it seems that this will continue endlessly. It happened to me too. And so, at such moments, you think: it’s all because of me, because I’m like that... But this is not so, in fact. God leads each person in his own way, and it is impossible to predict these ways of the Lord. And, you know, then, when time passes, and you suddenly realize that you have received everything in life that you didn’t even dare to dream about. But this does not happen immediately, and not in the way we expected. But in order for a person to receive all this, he must be prepared for such sorrows, among other things. He must see that he is weak, weak, that he on his own cannot do anything without God. Humble yourself, or something, and rely on the Lord. And when such an attitude is developed inside, then everything begins to be perceived completely differently. If something bad happens, thank God, and if something good happens, thank God too. You are suffering now, but this is perhaps necessary so that later, when everything is fine, you will remain compassionate and understand the feelings of other people who are in difficult situations. And everything can change suddenly. Suddenly you will see some opportunities. Everything, somehow, you know, sometimes happens unnoticed, imperceptibly, and suddenly you find yourself in a completely different position. There is no need to think about suicide. Well, you never know what this woman said. There are other girls for whom career and position in society are not the most important thing. Who want to have a reliable and kind person nearby. I am sure that you will definitely meet your love, and you will no longer be upset about anything. And the work will be good; now it’s too early to draw any conclusions. And if you have a technical specialty, this is in great demand now. Don't be afraid of anything, you are not a loser, but on the contrary, a very strong person.
Olya, age: 42 / 07/05/2014
Dear Isp, hundreds of girls dream of such a wonderful guy like you. You are still so young and I believe that you will meet your one and only who will appreciate you. As for housing. I live in Germany and most Germans live in rented apartments and do nothing, relax, go on vacation, enjoy life. You have a job, albeit an unloved one, but it exists. You live in your homeland and everything around you is native. And this is a big plus .Find people close to you in spirit and it will become much easier for you.
Anna, age: 43 / 07/05/2014
Go to the army and you will find a core and pay)))
All the same. , age: 34 / 07/08/2014
Hello! Relax, start life with a clean slate! If you say that you have nothing, then it will be easier to do. Do you have any close relatives? Go to them and take a break from everything that has accumulated in your soul. Get some friends, a girlfriend, maybe even a dog. Get a job that you like. Run away from the factory! And everything will work out for you...
Ed, age: 12/23/2014
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Travel
It’s not that I followed advice from wise books on how to regain my integrity, but nevertheless, it so happened that I left the country. I had a trip planned to France, where, together with my close friend, we were supposed to indulge in all the joys of travel and escapism. I didn’t cancel the trip, and I didn’t have the strength to do so. From the mire of suffering, I was plunged into the womb of the unknown and exotic, because it heals. Did it cure me? No, but it played a role. The month that I spent in the atmosphere of another country lasted, as it seemed to me then, forever, and during this time I learned something about this life.
The first is that something that is broken from the inside will not stick back together if you move it to another less depressing place. Secondly, a change of environment is useful if you have stayed in one place, but if you go on a trip, being completely destroyed inside, you will not be able to enjoy life. Third, despite the fact that the first two points are true, it’s still worth a try. So I tried. I began to explore myself and the emptiness inside in a new, unfamiliar, foreign place. If you are alone in your hometown, then in a foreign country loneliness takes on a different meaning.
You are taken out of context, which is why it can be real to turn the page and accept as truth the blank, unwritten sheet.
I cried, laughed, tasted the blue of the sea, tried to overcome natural fears, challenging myself to go deep into the forest, for example. Every day was empty and meaningless for me, but I forced myself to live. Wake up in the morning, get dressed, try something new. I believed that the taste, smell and color would come to me one day, and I would be able to enjoy it all again. And then one morning I woke up with a cutting feeling that not a single moment should be lost, I want to live everything, and take everything from my journey. The people who surrounded me there, in a new place, listened to my story, consoled me and even cried with me, but also continued to live their own lives, they had a job, a house, parties with friends, and even their own losses, and I witnessed all this.
Today, I am glad that I left then, not because the brave conquest of the globe is a panacea for suffering hearts, but because the next step is most important, it is the one that illuminates the road. Go on a journey when your heart is broken, not to enjoy the sights and national cuisine, but to start from scratch and this is the first step.
How to find yourself in this life, where to start?
How to find yourself in life and understand what you want to do. This is an important component of self-realization. First of all, formulate your dream. What are you dreaming about?
Remember what you like or liked to do in the past? Does your main activity coincide with your favorite hobbies in reality?
This is important for answering the question of how to find application in life. Maybe you've always gravitated towards music, but instead teach boring math classes at school? Then the reason for your dissatisfaction is clear.
Some people with strong character and determination are able to radically change their lives in order to start doing what they dream of. Such representatives of humanity are not afraid of endeavors. Let us list the signs that a person is striving to find himself and change his quality of life:
- enters an educational institution to obtain a specialist diploma, despite his age.
- changes jobs.
- ready to change place of residence.
- eliminates the reasons that interfere with the implementation of plans.
To find yourself in life, you need to have qualities that will help you achieve your goal. Develop in yourself:
- determination;
- determination;
- responsibility;
- hard work.
Train your will, get rid of cowardice. Don't become dependent on other people's opinions. This is your life and you must live it productively and happily.
Let us note that not all people are ready for radical changes. They find an outlet by doing what they love in their free time from their main job. Hobbies bring satisfaction and help self-realization.
For example, a woman working as a manager in a large company cannot afford to give up a decent income. But since childhood she dreamed of becoming a clothing designer.
As a result, she combines work with her hobby and sews unique, designer clothes for her friends and acquaintances on weekends. Thus, she manages to achieve spiritual comfort and gain moral satisfaction with life.
We found out how to find yourself and presented options for self-realization. But what to do if you can’t find yourself in this world? Contact a professional psychologist. Special techniques, tests, exercises will help identify character traits, inclinations and talents.
Psychological help is necessary for people who do not have a goal or a clear plan of action to make their dreams come true. Self-realization affects the quality of life.
Trainings and consultations will help you cope with the problem. Some people are embarrassed and ashamed that they need the help of a psychologist. These are false feelings.
Americans practice visiting psychologists. This is business as usual for them. Residents of developed countries with stable economies are confident that only the recommendations of specialists helped them achieve their goals, self-realization, find their calling and, thus, become successful people.
Environment
If you were to ask me what helped me cross the fatal line and regain my integrity, then among the many things that filled my life after the tragedy, I would single out one thing - the environment. And to be specific - your girlfriend. I still haven’t fully figured out whether the fact that I wanted to run away from friends, family and other people who wanted to help me was a consequence of shock or a trait of my character. The only person I wanted to see and talk to was my close friend, the one I was traveling with. If you have ever tried to get through difficult times by turning to books or articles that advise how to do this, then you probably know what it means to seek help from loved ones. I don’t know how my friend knew how to behave with a person in my situation, but she did everything right. Together we plunged into my emptiness, trying to find at least something there, to light a light in the pitch darkness. We laughed, remembering the past, cried, feeling the present and doubted, planning the future, my future. She listened to everything I had to say, argued when I saw that I was wrong, smiled when I realized that I had found the right path, and pulled me by the hand when I couldn’t “go.”
Talking when you're broken is necessary. Talk to someone who really loves you. In such conversations, truth is born, for which, by the way, you can live if there is nothing else to do. If there is someone who is ready to lend you a shoulder, lean on them. This is the second step on the path to wholeness - to pour out your inner sea into your soul mate. Care, support, understanding and love - everyone knows that this is an effective medicine, but sometimes it only takes one person to witness your inner explosion. What do I mean by this? Don’t be afraid to speak, look for new thoughts, build new meanings while the stream flows.
Thesis three:
The development of the personality of any person does not occur evenly, but stepwise, in stages. At the end of each stage, a crisis arises, which reveals the degree of readiness of the individual to move to a new stage.
The main task of the teenage crisis in psychology is considered to be the formation of a holistic idea of oneself. Or, to put it differently, the “assembly” of one’s own personality from disparate social roles that the teenager has already acquired in the family, at school, in the sports section, in the yard company and other teams and groups.
Well, for example, he already knows that at home he is a beloved son, grandson, brother. At school he is an excellent student (well, almost an excellent student: only two “B” grades - in physical education and in labor). In the yard - “nerd”, “chushok”, “schmuck mommy”. But in the chess section he is a very capable first-class player, who once even played a draw with a grandmaster. But who he is for Lenochka Golovleva from the seventh “A”, he has not yet understood, although he would really like to understand. But this is already specific. Basically, a teenager has a fairly clear idea of his set of social roles.
But who is he in this whole mess of other people’s and his own definitions, the teenager has not yet understood. Now his main task is to put together all this scattered information about himself. And finally understand who he really is, in what direction he intends to grow. This task is extremely difficult. Until the main landmark is chosen, a teenager can be so stormy and roll in different directions that not only his parents, but also he himself will become sick of such “slalom” more than once.
Actually, the teenage period for a person in a psychological sense ends precisely where he finds his own identity. But when exactly this will happen is a big question. And if a person has not solved the main problem of one age stage, then he simply will not be able to rise to the next stage of his development. Instead, he will unconsciously return to this unsolved problem again and again, like a needle on a sawn vinyl record, which, round and round, jumps to the same “stuck” melody. And since such unconscious psychological processes take up a lot of energy, a person simply does not have enough resources to move on. And he “gets stuck” in the teenage crisis for many years, and sometimes for decades. However, you can get stuck on other “steps”. For example, everyone knows the expression “midlife crisis.”
Here a person faces a problem similar to a teenage crisis: he again needs to understand who he is, what he has achieved in professional and personal development, what he is worth in the eyes of society and in his own. This is also a kind of integration of all social roles, but at the next stage of development.
And here, too, forced “stops” are possible, when a person cannot accept his weaknesses and, instead of solving his own problems, for years he either remains in deep despondency or dreams of unrealistic heights, towards which he cannot even take the first step.
So, there are social roles - in the form of certain expectations regarding us from society. And there is our identity, which is determined by how much we meet these expectations, and most importantly, what roles we identify with in the first place.
Sublimate and create
Meanwhile, life went on. I returned to work, where everyone, of course, knew who I was now. One friend told me then, “The most effective thing you can do now is to throw yourself into your work.” It seemed to me that this was complete nonsense. The last thing I wanted was extremes. I convinced myself that the cup of suffering must be drained to the bottom, which means I cannot hide from my pain. If work helps you, then take it as a lifeline, but I knew that it would not help me. Maybe because I didn’t really like my job, so, on the contrary, I wanted to run away from it. And then I began to look for something that I love. The third step is sublimation. I'm not going to put a negative connotation into this word. An abstruse way of reducing everything that seems lofty and salutary to the level of the banal fact that you are just a person, psychologically predisposed to hide pain and fear in creative expression. But no matter how it sounds, I went through this too. I started playing music. And so I, who was a nobody, became, not everyone, of course, but someone. I wrote songs, revealing the most intimate things to those who might not even understand what was happening to me at that moment, I sang and played, giving free rein to my feelings, and they poured out as if from an overturned glass.
The energy that arises in each of us, barely noticeable in some and unbearable in others, has two properties: to destroy and to create. Being destroyed, destroying and breaking everything around seems natural, and, I admit, even pleasant, but to create means to live. And I chose life. In other words, if you don't put your energy into creativity of any kind, it will begin to destroy you and everything around you. This is another piece of wisdom I have absorbed in my quest to heal.
Create. Give your energy free rein, but direct it in a creative direction.
Work, by the way, is also included in this section. I found creativity in my seemingly unloved job. Why is this step important? Because it leads to sensuality. It seemed to me that I was dead inside, and my heart yearned for the love that I did not have time to fully absorb from the one I had lost. That is why I began to look for this love in my work, music. I was lucky, I worked with children, and they are known to be energetically strong. So I allowed them to love me, and then I found out that I also had a lot of unrealized love left in me. And this is already a very big achievement.
Let your feelings be realized in anything, then the feeling of emptiness will finally begin to fade.
Thesis two:
Whether we like it or not, in any situation of interaction with other people we inevitably have to take on one or another social role - and it does not at all destroy our personality, does not replace it and does not turn us into part of a gray faceless mass.
In the language of computer scientists, a social role is just an interface that corresponds to a particular situation and allows others to perceive us as a safe object that corresponds to generally accepted expectations. By accepting this interface, we are not betraying ourselves. We simply meet other people's expectations, show them courtesy, show our love for them, just as the incarnate Lord showed love for St. Joseph by humbly helping him in his carpentry.
It is clear that, having noticed himself fulfilling one or another social role, a Christian may worry: am I being a hypocrite? Am I not engaged in people-pleasing? Here you need to understand that what makes our behavior hypocritical and people-pleasing is not the social roles themselves, but the goals that we pursue in fulfilling them. And here the only way to understand yourself is to listen to your heart and realize what we are acting for?
If the goal is to please other people and thereby obtain some benefits for oneself, then it makes sense to think about how much such behavior corresponds to the commandments of the Gospel. And if the goal is to show love to people who have trusted us and expect from us a certain conformity to one or another social role, then we are not talking about hypocrisy. Because love tends to manifest itself in various ways. In this sense, social roles are another gift from God to fallen humanity, allowing us to make up for the lack of love for each other.
Social roles are like the different colors of the spectrum into which a ray of light can be divided. Identity is the result of the reverse process - when a person combines all the diversity of social roles into a certain integrity and appropriates them to himself in order to determine for himself who he is in this diverse life. This is where an unpleasant surprise may await us.
It turns out that quite often adults cannot answer a simple question: who am I? Well, for example, I’m sitting in the kitchen, drinking tea, looking out the window, and everything seems to be fine - work, friends, but still a feeling of something not right, as if I wanted to become an astronaut or a famous musician, or just happy human. And I became someone who sits alone in his apartment and watches videos on YouTube so as not to feel so lost and alone.
Why this happened is a separate conversation in each case. But in such situations there is still one very important feature common to all. The fact is that such a mentality overtakes almost every person on our planet when this person turns, say, thirteen years old. And it usually lasts up to eighteen or twenty years. This is the so-called teenage crisis.
Accept and forgive
Life brings everyone to their knees, I'm sure. This doesn’t console me at all, and it probably won’t console anyone. This just confirms that this can happen to anyone. The next step—the fourth—that was revealed to me was the need to forgive myself. I realized that I don't have to be perfect to be happy again, but I have to allow myself to live. Guilt, like sublimation, helps you hide for a while and feel relief, making yourself even more painful. Nonsense, you say, but it works.
I worked on forgiving myself. I worked to truly believe in the possibility of waking up a different person one day. I’ll even say this, I didn’t believe in anything else except that I would be happy again.
Forgive yourself, because in this case only you can truly forgive.
For what? Yes for everything. At least for the fact that for some reason you became a victim of these circumstances, for the fact that you are human, for the fact that weakness breaks bones. Forgive yourself and trust that there is a next step, no matter what, no matter when or where change happens to you, it will happen if you move forward. Move.
Thesis five:
To find himself, a person must also find a form of his service to other people.
Such service is not just a beautiful ideal or lofty motivating words. This is a completely objective spiritual need of any person.
Moreover, the need is as pressing as the desire for development or self-expression. Each of us has a natural desire to bring benefit and joy to other people. This is how God intended us to be. And without satisfying this need, no social role or identity will make us happy.
Therefore, when you are overcome by doubts about your own identity, look at whether the social role you have chosen brings benefit and joy to other people? Does it help you to serve others? Sometimes an honest answer to this question allows a person to solve many other intrapersonal problems. If you look at the issue of finding yourself from a Christian point of view, then here you can find both social roles and identity among saints. One of the most striking examples in this sense is the Apostle Paul. In his messages, he openly says that he easily changed social roles, without losing himself at all: ... to the Jews I became like a Jew, in order to gain Jews; to those under the law he was as one under the law, in order to gain those under the law; for those who are strangers to the law - as one who is strangers to the law - not being alien to the law before God, but under the law of Christ - in order to win those who are strangers to the law; He was like one who is weak to the weak, so that he might gain the weak. I have become all things to all men, that I might save at least some (1 Cor 9:20–22).
It would seem, what unprincipledness! With the Hellenes - to talk about their “special piety”, internally indignant at the sight of pagan idols standing at every crossroads. With the Jews - talk about the intricacies of the Law of Moses. With imperial officials - about your Roman citizenship. And when he was tried at the Sanhedrin, Paul even managed to pit his judges against each other, remembering his Pharisee origins and upbringing: Having learned that there were one part of the Sadducees and the other of the Pharisees, he exclaimed in the Sanhedrin: men and brethren! I am a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee; I am being judged for hoping for the resurrection of the dead. When he had said this, a quarrel arose between the Pharisees and the Sadducees, and the congregation was divided. For the Sadducees say that there is no resurrection, neither angel nor spirit; and the Pharisees admit both. There was a great cry; and the scribes of the Pharisees stood up and argued, saying, We find nothing bad in this man... (Acts 23:6-9). And at the same time, the history of mankind does not know many people as integral and unshakable in their identity as the Apostle Paul. The reason for such integrity was his choice: out of all the variety of his social roles, Paul chose the main one for himself - to be a preacher of the Gospel, to bring people the light of faith in Jesus Christ. And he placed all other roles in the service of this main work of his life.
Actually, this is the answer to any doubts about one’s own identity for a Christian.
Love
Of course, you can’t do without love. As proof of my theory, I will tell you about it. It happened to me, and sooner than I could even imagine. Not because I was great and did everything right, just because I found the strength to get up from my knees. And I went into love. The fifth step is to allow yourself to love. No one determines whether you are happy or unhappy except you. The strength to build a new world and recreate yourself anew lies within you. I don’t remember how this idea came to my mind, but there are a lot of examples confirming that the idea is good.
Continue to live, not because you have to, but because living can be good. Love others, open yourself to love, take care of yourself, develop yourself, change something, anything, remember what it is like to do what you love. At the same time, add awareness. Change your life yourself, wish for happiness and achieve it, because it depends on ourselves.
Why do people find it difficult to find themselves in life?
The problem of finding oneself is relevant for people of all ages. Finding your place in life is not easy. The fact is that every person lives in a society. He is dependent on society from birth.
From childhood, parents instill in their son or daughter those attitudes and values that are close to them. The child's opinion is not taken into account.
If a child refuses to go to art school, for example, he is forced. Most often, he obeys his parents so as not to be “bad” in their eyes.
Thus, from childhood he cannot realize his real talents, for example, in sports. He's unhappy. It’s good if a boy or girl can go against the will of their parents in adulthood and do what they want.
Dependence on other people's opinions and the influence of society often become the main factors why people cannot find themselves in life. They were simply not allowed to do this. But now that you are financially independent from your mother and father, it's time to make your dreams come true. Do what you wanted.
Parents should help their teenagers determine their purpose. Listen to your child's opinion. Talk about what he would like to do, find out what he likes. Help realize your abilities. Support in difficult times. Then he will never utter the phrase: “Why can’t I find myself?”
But some high school students really don’t know what profession to choose. Nothing seems to interest them. The fact is that this period is characterized by throwing, when a person tries himself in one thing or another. He wants to change the world.
Moreover, a teenager is controlled by emotions. They are not always positive. Hormones rage and push you to do inappropriate actions. The personality is not yet mature. This is why during adolescence it is difficult for a person to find himself and determine what he wants.
We need to wait a little. Try to maintain a good relationship with your son or daughter. Let the teenager try his hand. Let him make mistakes. Now he is dependent on adults both morally and financially. He cannot fully realize his dreams.
Remember, in some cases the help of a professional psychologist is necessary. If your child becomes discouraged and depressed while searching for their purpose, consult a specialist. The techniques will help a teenager searching for himself to determine his place in life.
Meditate
As a reflective person, I spent a huge amount of time, and still do, thinking about who I am, how I feel, and what I want. And this is why loneliness is useful. This is a kind of island on which you need to be able to be without trying to survive. So step six is to reflect. A lot of important things happen in your thoughts if you know how to think. Broken pieces come together again, the old is replaced by the new, the empty is filled. I thought about everything, about the grief I was experiencing, about the eternal and empty, about new problems and new disappointments that came with new trials.
Think while being alone with yourself. Sort out your feelings like dirty laundry, like old things. Throw away and replace with a new one.
Of course, an exploding grenade is just a metaphor, effective in order to convey the depth of despair, but meaningless if you remember how the psyche works. Of course, I didn’t go anywhere, nothing disappeared without a trace. I, created in the beginning, woven from songs and pictures, and died during this story, appeared again. In parts, in places crippled or even mutilated, but still the same. And it was by thinking about this that I was able to isolate what, in my opinion, was worth living, and what needed to be let go forever. Think and you will find the answers.
What does it mean to find yourself in life?
First, let's find out what it means to “find yourself.” The concept is multifaceted. Most often it is associated with a person’s professional activity. The chosen specialty accompanies the individual and influences his life.
Cases when people cannot find themselves in life show that the result is disastrous. Such individuals are not satisfied with the work they are doing. Work is not fun. They experience mental discomfort.
Depression, when you can’t find yourself in life, is a common phenomenon. Constant fatigue, nervousness, anxiety, and dissatisfaction lead to suicide. Important! You don’t allow this kind of situation to happen. Contact a psychologist.
You can give many examples when people could not find themselves and did not do their own thing. Psychologists have found that the cause of the phenomenon is most often the individual’s implementation of other people’s plans and dreams.
For example, parents want their son to become a doctor and continue the family dynasty. He desperately resists, as he is passionate about programming. But his attempts to realize himself lead nowhere. He enters a medical educational institution, barely receives a diploma and is forced to work in his specialty. Society received a bad doctor instead of an excellent programmer.
Important! When your child is in search of himself, try to listen to his opinion. You should not force him to do activities that you do yourself or would like to do.
It is worth considering that you can spend your whole life in the so-called search for yourself. This is a dangerous phenomenon. It causes a person to rush from side to side. He doesn’t finish the job he started, but he still can’t decide what is important to him.
Finding yourself means finding out your purpose. The ultimate goal is not always material wealth. Some people like to save animals, help people in need, or, for example, do charity work. Such individuals do not receive benefits from their work, however, they are happy because they have realized themselves.
In any case, the concept means understanding life values, realizing oneself and achieving mental comfort.
How can an emotional person find himself?
For example, if a person has special, sensitive vision, distinguishing a greater number of colors and shades, good artistic taste, and his keyword is “beautiful” - this means that he has a visual vector. His life is filled with emotions - he is sensual, funny, kind, fearful, and his eyes are wet.
If you have a visual vector, you can find yourself in intellectual and creative professions. Culture and art, design, photography, fashion - the viewer will feel good where he can enjoy beauty, create it, expressing emotions, experiencing emotions, conveying emotions to others. Emotions for him are life.
We receive all the kindest and most beautiful things created by people from spectators who realize to the maximum what nature has given them.
Now let’s imagine a viewer who works as an accountant, marketer or salesperson. How to realize yourself here? Where are the emotions here? Where is the beauty? Unfulfilled emotions burst out in the form of hysterical breakdowns, from which loved ones suffer, or he constantly falls in love with someone.
About finding yourself
Every day, children, teenagers and even adults and older people tell themselves and others “I want to find myself in life.” Self-confidence and success are also often not a guarantee that a person will not have problems finding himself. According to psychology, such conditions are typical for people with periodic repetition from the first grades to old age. This is one of those things that should be taught in schools.
From a philosophical point of view, it is understanding oneself and searching for a unique place. Psychologists believe that if such a problem takes a long time, this may indicate depression. Therefore, it is recommended to seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist or leave everything and just enjoy what you have if the search turns into an obsession and no longer brings pleasure. Sometimes such moods are explained as fatigue and, accordingly, the need for rest. It happens that a person has long found himself, but due to fatigue and stress he doubts it and needs to reboot.
Those who are looking for themselves value not only the result, but also the process itself and the efforts made. There is no magic recipe and, on the one hand, this is good, because this is what makes the search interesting, memorable and fun. On the other hand, universal instructions would make a difficult task easier. Among the main ways to determine your place in life are introspection and analysis, advice from psychologists and exercises, consultations, master classes and trainings, as well as spiritual practices, meditation and motivation. Some people choose to combine several methods, thereby simplifying their lives.
A simple way to FIND YOURSELF AND UNDERSTAND what to do in life
Finding yourself through getting to know yourself
To understand how to find your place, realize your abilities and talents, you must first
get to know and understand yourself. In fact, there are few who know themselves well. After all, we are not talking about biographical information. Many people spend their entire lives not knowing what they want or what to strive for. Some people are used to living like walking through a minefield. If you're lucky, you can find your place, the path to a successful life. But, unfortunately, many people live their lives without understanding themselves and their desires.
But don't despair. Thanks to research and discoveries in the field of psychology, each of us has an increasing chance of effectively finding ourselves.
It is possible for a person to get to know himself with the help of his subconscious. This allows:
- believe in your own strengths and potential;
- understand which goals are false and not waste your energy on achieving them.
Knowing and realizing these moments is already an achievement. After all, the world is full of opportunities, goals and desires. However, they may not be ours, but strangers, that is, other people. And we, hearing the command “move forward,” rush to carry it out without understanding ourselves.
Each person is actually born already, having his own goal, destiny, which is provided by his innate potential. But there is no specific guide on how to find your purpose. Only working on yourself, knowing yourself can help in this search. And people who, without turning back, follow the path to fulfilling their destiny, deserve a life of comfort and success.
Recommendations from psychologists and coaches
The best way to understand and find yourself in life is to listen to the advice of psychology experts and personal growth coaches. They offer 15 life hacks that will help you find your “I”:
- Be active, do something and remember the words of Einstein: “Life is like riding a bicycle. To maintain balance, you need to keep moving.” You can choose the place where you want to go.
- Get enough sleep. It is sleep, and not hard work, that is the basis of health, good mood, beauty, and productivity.
- "No". Thanks to Jim Carrey, the movie “Always Say Yes” turned out to be very good, but you shouldn’t take it literally and be afraid to say “no” if something doesn’t suit you. There will always be someone who wants to take advantage of a person’s kindness, even among his friends or relatives. Everyone has the right to refuse.
- Positive thinking. Belief in the best and a spirit of achievement.
- Destroying stereotypes. Habitual patterns often only hinder development.
- The road forward, despite the obstacles. The runway is often black, but if you start, it will definitely get better.
- Leave or change. This is about where you don’t like something: an unloved job with imaginary stability or a familiar relationship that has long been deprived of its former satisfaction and joy. To remain in such conditions means to voluntarily subscribe to stress, illness, neuroses and betrayal of your dreams.
- Rest.
- Study and knowledge. Every day it is important to learn something new: from books, courses, self-study or articles.
- Creation. The key to relief from overstrain, as well as the development of thinking, including creative thinking.
- Love yourself and make yourself happy. This is not only not prohibited, but also necessary. Without this, it is unlikely that you will be able to meet those who will experience the same feelings and desires for a person.
- Sample. No one is immune from mistakes, and there is no need for this, because mistakes are valuable experience and a stage for the next advancement.
- Goals and planning. There should be a detailed plan for at least the most important projects and moments.
- Constant new acquaintances. Connections will never be superfluous and sociable people move forward.
- Close the door to the past and past mistakes.
It is equally important to be open to others. Likewise, psychologists advise getting inspired from all sorts of individual sources.
How to find yourself? 7 questions to help you understand yourself better || Larisa Parfentyeva
