The difficulty of dealing with toxic people
Unfortunately, the problem of being under the influence of a toxic person does not lie so much in his area of responsibility, but rather lies in the usual psychology of the “victim”. The fact is that people are often guided by standard patterns of behavior, believing that the formed social circle should exist, despite all the problems that may arise within its communication network. That is, communication with a toxic person is perceived as the norm, and all negative factors are perceived as an integral part of any relationship.
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In the tactics of struggle, that is, getting out of toxic relationships, understanding the need to break them off should be key. You shouldn’t hold on to bad company with all your might, because there is always the opportunity to change it to nicer people.
It is important to understand that being in the company of a toxic person is not an obligation, but a choice. The only exception may be a person from a close family circle, with whom in any case you will have to somehow contact. But even in this case, there are ways to minimize communication and suppress conflict situations.
One way or another, the first step will require identifying a toxic friendship. The ability to recognize it and take timely measures to isolate yourself from toxic and manipulative influences will help you more easily control your relationships with others.
To make it easier to solve this problem, psychologists initially recommend focusing on 4 main types of toxic people, which will be discussed below.
Stone wall
Signs
A stonewall is a person who refuses to engage in conversation and share their feelings when problems arise. He constantly avoids direct questions. This makes the other person feel unimportant and unworthy of honest communication.
Behavior Scenario
A stone wall never acknowledges that there is a problem. If you're trying to communicate with someone who you know refuses to be honest and open with you, it may be worth considering why you want this relationship in the first place.
By not wanting to answer your questions, such a person not only refuses to communicate with you - he makes you feel disappointed and even angry.
This is a good tactic for political debates, but it is completely unacceptable in personal life. Stonewall behavior is somewhat reminiscent of passive-aggressive behavior, only he is not trying to convey a hidden message to you - he does not feel the need to tell you anything at all.
Antisocial personality
If you communicate with an antisocial type, congratulations: you received a 2-in-1 gift.
Signs
On the one hand, the character of an antisocial person contains the traits of a sociopath: aggressive and explosive behavior, which is most often the result of abuse in childhood. At least sociopaths can be empathetic.
But an antisocial person cannot, because he also has the tendencies of a psychopath: lack of remorse and empathy, a tendency to use others in his own interests, greed, vindictiveness.
We all have many different tendencies that society perceives as negative. We may even discover in ourselves characteristics characteristic of antisocial behavior. Therefore, we forgive and even treat people with antisocial behavior favorably, just as we forgive and treat ourselves favorably.
Narcissus
Signs
With all his behavior, a narcissist shows that his existence is the best gift for the Universe: he knows everything, he is the best in everything and does not hesitate to remind you of this every minute. No matter how smart and interesting a person you are, you are far from a narcissist.
The narcissist puts himself on a pedestal from which he looks at you.
You may feel like you are always competing with each other in something.
Behavior Scenario
Narcissists are unwilling to compromise, feel a lack of understanding and empathy, and want to always be the center of attention. Even when it's your time to be the center of attention—on your birthday or at a promotion party—the narcissist will be able to steal all the attention. Even if it’s a loud scandal.
The story of Narcissus from ancient Greek mythology helps us understand the nature of narcissism. When Narcissus looked into the water and saw a beautiful flower in his place, he was surprised. Because what Narcissists really hate is themselves.
They are easily hurt, and when this happens, they release the anger and hatred that builds up due to low self-esteem. Narcissists are willing to destroy everything and everyone around them when they feel rejected or hurt.
GuruTest
It was not only Dale Carnegie who spoke about the fact that people around you (if you, of course, hope to win their attention and affection) should be treated kindly and well: many psychologists have one way or another come to a similar conclusion. For some reason, despite all the changes that have occurred in society, it is still believed that a good attitude towards people is the key to success and mutual benefit. Hence the exhortations about the need to treat others the way you want to be treated yourself, and other psychological “wisdom.”
Unfortunately, in the modern world this postulate no longer works: today a bad attitude towards people can bring much more benefits than a good one. This state of affairs only seems strange: in fact, there is nothing unusual in it. Here's how it works.
Why you shouldn’t always treat others well: the dangers of friendliness
Before moving on to the advantages of a bad attitude towards people, we will try to explain how the opposite, a good attitude towards others, can be dangerous: our usual model of behavior actually has quite a lot of shortcomings that few people notice.
Treating others too well tends to put people at ease and usually causes a person who treats others with understanding and friendliness to become prejudiced and taken for granted. All this leads to the fact that a person (if he, among other things, has a soft, compliant character) begins to openly take advantage of him: there can be no talk of any benefit here.
How a bad attitude towards others can bring benefits
So, we have dealt with the negative influence of a good, friendly attitude towards others, having found out that this model of behavior does not always lead to the expected results. Let us now consider how a bad, even negative attitude towards other people can bring benefits.
Despite the fact that with a bad attitude towards others you are unlikely to be the life of the party and are unlikely to make friends, you can still derive some benefit from such a model of behavior. Having learned to keep people at a certain distance (this alone can be perceived negatively by many), it will be, for example, much easier for you to accustom others to certain rules that few dare to break.
Colleagues and relatives are unlikely to persuade you to lend you money until payday; they will not even try to drag you, like others, to the notorious dacha, voluntarily and compulsorily involving you in socially useful (however, for whom) work , will not dare to give advice about your personal life or plans for the future.
As you can see, being friendly towards others does not always help: in some cases, a bad attitude towards people can bring more benefits. Some, unfortunately, do not value human attitude towards themselves: when dealing with such people, you should not count on friendliness and decency to work a miracle.
However, choosing the right behavioral strategy is not always enough: sometimes you need to be able to analyze not only your own behavior, but also the behavior of others. This skill can be very useful to you: we have previously talked about how to understand by certain signs that you are too trusting and that those around you are simply using you.
Tell us what you think about this: maybe, in your opinion, a bad attitude towards others can be beneficial for someone or not? Why?
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07.01.2019 02:47
Critic
Signs
The critic judges everything you do: every move you make and every breath you take. Yes, you are doing everything wrong. Everything and always.
You need to understand the difference: criticizing is not the same as giving advice.
Behavior scenario No. 1
You arrive for dinner 15 minutes late without warning in advance. Your other half is visibly angry and, instead of asking why you were late or what happened, begins to throw accusations: “You are always late because you never think about anyone but yourself. I've been sitting here for 15 minutes! And you can never be on time.”
This is the perfect critic. Typically, such a person criticizes your every move: “Are you really going to wear that?”, “Why don’t you ever...?”, “What’s wrong with you?” The list goes on and on. Being around a critic makes you feel humiliated. No matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you can never get it right.
Behavior scenario No. 2
You are late for dinner and do not warn about it. Your other half is visibly angry, but instead of lashing out at you, he starts asking you about this habit. “I noticed that you are always late. What's happened? Is there a reason for this? This is an example of a person trying to understand the origins of wrong behavior.
Instead of blaming a specific person, he or she blames the action.
The critic may never even say anything rude to you personally. But he speaks insultingly about your beliefs, appearance, thoughts. This is often associated with low self-esteem and the desire to be in control. Instead of helping you get rid of bad habits, he reproaches you for them and suppresses you as a person.
The critic condemns the person, not his behavior. The most damaging experience a person can have is when a parent says, “You're a bad boy/bad girl,” instead of saying, “You did something bad.”
People who hate life
These are toxic people who do not so much strive to cultivate anger and aggression as they hate all the joyful aspects of life. They resist all positive turns in their own destiny, and at the same time prevent those around them from feeling happy. If someone next to such a person begins to talk about good events in their life, the reaction of the toxic interlocutor will be to point out negative factors. He will certainly find something to complain about and speak out about it, ruining the mood of those around him.
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People who are always dissatisfied with everything
For such a person, everything in life may be more or less good, but this does not mean at all that he will be happy about it. There is always a reason to express negative thoughts and criticize something. At work, such people are dissatisfied with their bosses and colleagues, and at home with their spouses, children and neighbors.
No matter what the conversation is about with a toxic person of this type, it will still end in a stream of accusations and criticism. And even if this negativity does not affect you in any way, it is quite possible that behind your back the attitude towards you is radically changing.
