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Psychologist: How to spot a womanizer, forgive betrayal and forget a holiday romance
Your husband suddenly started going to work wearing a parrot tie, signed up for a fitness center, changed his hairstyle, and yesterday you found him stuck to the glass of a car dealership selling Ferraris. But, what’s worse, he began to look at you with nothing other than contempt, and a bunch of strange numbers appeared in his address book. Congratulations, most likely, the notorious demon, which comes to every fourth man along with the first gray hair, has reached the ribs of your beloved...
Only lazy people haven’t written a book or made a movie about a midlife crisis. And most importantly, the authors of these bestsellers are mostly men, so all the information is presented with such subtle humor, self-irony and, of course, makes all the macho men who recognize themselves in the main character smile. But for some reason not a single work tells us what we, women, should do in this situation, and where did this notorious midlife crisis come from? It's actually simple. In the life of every man there is a very carefree period when he “throws stones,” and a more serious one, which usually comes closer to forty years, is the time to collect cobblestones: to take stock, reap the fruits of previous activities, evaluate the results. So, a midlife crisis occurs if, after five years of tinkering with the “stones,” a man suddenly discovers that he has a bad job, his wife is a vixen, his children are idiots, he is bald, and there is not a single dream that has come true.
What's next?
Most often, a crisis occurs among men who are not doing what they want, or among those who have not achieved what they planned. Although it happens that a completely successful representative of the stronger sex becomes a victim of a psychological problem: wealthy, attractive, with a luxurious wife, smart children and an expensive car. One fine day the thought comes to his mind: “What next? Well, if I have more money, I’ll buy another house by the sea... And is this really all that lies ahead for me in the future?!” At this moment, it seems to the man that there is no better way out of the current situation than to fill his life with something new, bright, and sometimes even extreme.
Beginning and duration of the crisis period
The crisis period does not begin exactly the minute a man turns 30. According to statistics, problems appear between the ages of 27 and 34. They do not come suddenly, because all men face disappointment in themselves and their lives. It’s just that not everyone has the courage to admit it right away.
As for the duration, it is impossible to say exactly how long the crisis will last. There are men who, having realized the problem, pull themselves together and normalize their condition in a couple of months. Others remain depressed for years without even trying to change anything.
shorten this unpleasant period of time, as well as
reduce the severity of its symptoms :
- support from family and friends;
- stable financial position;
- stable character, presence of willpower;
- stable job, career growth.
The position of a man in society also plays an important role.
Secretary as a symptom
If you suspect that a midlife crisis has seeped into your family, take a closer look at your spouse - the symptoms of the problem are painfully obvious. The first and main sign is that the man has changed! And not only you see this, but also his friends, colleagues and even your children. However, the metamorphoses that have occurred with your beloved are so vivid and impressive that it is difficult not to notice them. One day you are surprised to discover that your spouse has bought a gym membership (even though he always despised jocks), a player and a ticket to a concert of a fashionable alternative band. At the fitness center, he made interesting acquaintances, which brought with them new hobbies, and very youthful ones: for example, the faithful began snowboarding or driving around the city in a car at night. The vehicle, if opportunities permit, also changes: the place of a still quite good foreign car is taken by some, perhaps not at all fresh, but red or yellow, sports car. On top of that, your husband, who for the last 15 years wore only a gray suit to work, suddenly changed it to a canary one, and combined with an alien tie and sneakers. And, of course, he has a new secretary! Olga Sergeevna, who served him faithfully, left, unable to withstand the competition with the busty blonde Alena, who despises skirts longer than her knees. But the worst thing is that my dear has become completely unbearable. Even in those rare hours when he appears at home, your spouse is irritated and unfriendly with you (your cooking tastes bad, your clothes are terrible), and he behaves with his own children as if he were strangers.
Causes
The reasons for the development of the crisis at the age of thirty flow smoothly from the topics described above.
There are several of them:
- inability to realize long-standing plans, goals and dreams;
- lack of money, low income;
- lack of real estate, car and other “signs” of success;
- problems in personal life;
- presence of serious diseases;
- tense social situation.
According to many psychologists, this list is more than conditional. The crisis at 30 also happens to successful men who are satisfied with their lives. And it doesn’t matter how much money they have, whether they have an apartment or a family . It turns out that the root cause lies much deeper.
According to statistics, by the age of 30, in the life of every man, without exception, a reassessment of values and a rearrangement of priorities occurs. Looking back, he realizes that in many situations he could have acted differently. But time has already passed. Awareness of this provokes the development of depression, the emergence of a feeling of inadequacy and, as a consequence, the development of a crisis.
The fight for the tattered treasure
When faced with a midlife crisis, immediately decide to what extent you are ready to plunge into trying to get your spouse out of this state. To end? Then have patience and strength. Firstly, never speak badly to your children about dad and don’t express your obvious grievances against him in front of them. Try not to discuss your spouse’s behavior with your offspring at all, even if they are already 18 years old, and their father behaves worse than their peers. Just continue to be the best mom in the world to your children. And even, in some places, dad. Believe me, when you survive the crisis, everyone - both your offspring and your spouse - will be immensely grateful to you for this. Secondly, remind your beloved more often of life moments when he was “on horseback”, and those cases in which he obviously liked himself. Don’t laugh at your husband’s new hobbies, but at the same time try not to let him forget how everyone respected him even when he was still wearing a gray suit. Tell him that you were literally driven crazy by his previous style of dressing, but at the same time express your readiness to love him in a canary jacket.
Under any pretext, get your husband on vacation. Leave the children to their grandmothers and go with your spouse to conquer the Nepalese slopes, hunt in the African savannahs, ride a board on the Californian waves - in a word, engage in any extreme sport that is currently in favor with your crisis spouse. Forget about shopping in Milan – you’ll fly later with a friend.
Needless to say, you should drop your suitcase with your mobile phones and laptop at the border to make sure they don’t work for the entire trip? And, of course, before your vacation you will have to spend a month in the fitness center and beauty salon - you must be flawless! After all, nothing will bring a spouse to a feeling of self-satisfaction better than the thought that this lady, luxurious in all respects, is his wife.
Your task is to help your husband regain mental balance, self-confidence and try to re-teach him to enjoy simple things: a lunar path, a sunrise in the mountains, the naivety of children and simply the opportunity to live. If you didn’t succeed and the worst thing happened - your husband went on a spree, know: usually “anti-crisis sex therapy” lasts no more than two years. Then the exhausted Don Juan again appears on the threshold of the family nest, full of repentance. Whether you need this shabby treasure, decide for yourself.
He's transforming
Love pushes a man to change in almost all areas of life. If somewhere a young man feels the presence of “gaps,” he immediately tries to eliminate them in order to be worthy of his chosen one. If he’s not in good shape – he’ll go to the gym, his salary is low – he’ll try to find a higher-paying position or take on an additional part-time job, he hasn’t followed fashion before – he’ll start choosing his outfit and perfume more carefully in order to make the most positive impression on his sweetheart.
The same applies to his emotional state. If a man feels that his feelings are reciprocated or a girl responds at least minimally to courtship, he will be full of inspiration to develop, move towards his dream, and conquer new heights both in his professional activities and in other areas of life. The location of the woman he loves can be a decisive factor for a middle-aged guy to undergo drastic transformations - moving to another city, opening his own business, or, for example, giving up smoking.
Chubby instead of macho
Keep in mind that not all men fall into the clutches of a crisis due to unsatisfied ambitions. For some, events develop according to a different scenario. One day, the faithful approaches the mirror and discovers in it not the handsome macho man he is accustomed to consider himself to be, but a plump mattress with a belly protruding from under his T-shirt, bags under his eyes and a bald patch breaking through his once thick curls. Here, of course, I remember yesterday’s shortness of breath after climbing to the third floor, and my own children, whom I want to wash, cut, change clothes and rip off their headphones from where strange music is playing, and my wife in a classic torn robe. A vile thought appears in the unfortunate man’s head: “God, I’m not young anymore! I don't understand my offspring! And who will explain to me what this woman is doing in my house? The result of such sad thoughts is depression, melancholy and, again, the desire to change everything.
Options for adaptive behavior in times of crisis in men
Managing your own mental state
As you already know from previous publications, the ability to intelligently and consciously control emotional and physical states is an important building block on the path to success. This means working through mastering self-regulation techniques: meditation, visualization, breathing practices, yoga, qigong, working using body and even dance movement therapy methods.
For those who want to receive an effective set of self-regulation techniques and feedback on their assimilation in one bottle, there is my online training “How to cope with stress, turning it from a monster into a helper.” Each training session includes both theory and practice. In addition, after completing your homework, you can count on having it assessed by a specialist.
Neither cognac nor sex
The symptoms of a midlife depressive crisis are not very bright (the man does not wear pink ties and does not skateboard), but they are extremely unpleasant. Your cheerful husband, the life of any company, suddenly becomes gloomy. More and more often at dinner you hear from your spouse that he mismanaged his life, he should have entered another institute, then everything would have turned out differently and the children would have studied in London, and you would have spent your vacation on a yacht. In general, he becomes increasingly bored and uninterested, he doesn’t want anything: no sex, no cognac, no bathhouse with friends, no football.
Unrecognized geniuses
"Wunderkinds". Almost every one of them is a business man who at one time achieved success before his peers, overcame the most difficult professional trials, climbed to the top, although sometimes he does not stay there. As a rule, for such older guys the line between personal life and work merges into a single whole. With their 30th birthday, such men begin to be afraid to admit to themselves that they do not know and can do everything. They are also afraid to let people get too close to them, because there is an all-consuming fear that someone will find out about their weaknesses and secrets.
The age is no longer the same
As soon as you notice that your spouse has fallen victim to a depressive crisis, begin to unobtrusively take an interest in his affairs and be sure to pay attention to his achievements. Moreover, even if they are small, focus on the fact that he is doing what he loves, and he is doing great at it, and everything else - success, wealth, fame - will come later! Remind your spouse often that you still have a lot of time ahead and he will have time to do everything. And the phrase “not the same age” should be completely excluded from the vocabulary.
As for the mandatory vacation to get out of a crisis, you shouldn’t force a person in melancholic indifference to hang on cliffs or dive after sharks. Choose a beach holiday and take your child with you. But don’t forget to find out in advance whether the hotel has animation or a children’s room where you can rent your offspring for a while. A crisis macho should be able to enjoy an evening cocktail brought by his tanned wife in a white bikini, and the next morning he will be happy to play in the sand with his baby. In this situation, even if your spouse “destroys” himself for days on end with thoughts about what a loser he is, the realization that he has nevertheless become a good husband, an excellent father and can afford a vacation at sea will help him perk up.
Expert opinion
Anna Topicheva, psychologist:
– During a midlife crisis, a man begins to look for those to blame, and, as a rule, his wife gets the most. It’s easy to explain: after all, you were the one who witnessed everything that your spouse had to endure. And many successful men do not want the woman who is next to him to know him as a poor student or a “shuttle guy” with a checkered trunk on his back. Since memories cannot be deleted, he has to change his companion! After all, his new young wife will only know him as a winner. In addition, having married for the second time, a man thinks that he gets a chance to live another life. There is only one piece of advice for a woman in this case - try to be extremely calm and discuss his emotions with your husband honestly, sincerely and impartially, like old friends. In times of crisis, many men do not realize that any divorce is painful and rarely leads to a happier life. If the spouse understands this, there is a chance that he will change his mind about leaving the family. Moreover, most often the desire to get a divorce is imposed on men by new mistresses.
Why is the thirty-year crisis dangerous?
The severity and drama with which a man experiences a midlife crisis can vary for a number of reasons. This is easily explained, because each person has his own characteristics. Therefore, manifestations can range from an ordinary feeling of internal discomfort, a gentle and absolutely painless process of change, to a very stormy, emotional flow of passions that can break the previous established relationships with the outside world and are accompanied by the deepest experiences, which in turn may well lead to physical and psychological diseases. character.
