How to help your teenager develop self-confidence. recommendations from psychologists: how to help a teenager gain self-confidence

May 21, 2018

Averyanova Sveta

A child’s personality begins to form long before his first words and steps. And only after a few years - by the age of five - parents will see the result of their educational efforts. It will be expressed in the characteristics of the child’s character, his behavior, interests, habits, and communication skills.

At each age period, the “building blocks” of personality are laid down. And each stage is characterized by so-called normative fears, concerns, and barriers.

In communicating with adults and peers, in solving game problems and everyday events, these structures interact with each other. The ability to solve problems, cope with non-standard situations develops, and as a result, self-esteem and self-confidence are formed.

Self-esteem is the degree of awareness of one’s strengths and weaknesses, assessment of one’s own personal qualities and performance results.

Self-esteem can be both positive and negative.

But self-confidence is a solid, already formed quality, a positive attitude towards oneself, a willingness to overcome obstacles on the way to the goal.

At the same time, high self-esteem is not yet self-confidence, but it can become its basis in the future. In the educational process, adequate self-esteem is the key to the formation of calm, thoughtful and safe behavior. Therefore, it is important for parents to know how to help their child become self-confident in early childhood.

Reasons for uncertainty

Every person, from childhood, wants to receive the praise of family and friends, hear encouragement and feel recognition, but on the way to this he encounters many difficulties that cannot always be overcome. If parents or loved ones do not help in critical or problematic situations, then the person begins to lose faith in himself and become insecure.

Self-doubt is the belief that, thanks to your efforts and aspirations, you will not be able to achieve the desired result. Childhood insecurity does not look like something scary and dangerous, but if you don’t work on it, then in adulthood it can have catastrophic consequences for a person’s fate

To grow a self-confident personality, it is important to know what steps should be taken for this and how exactly you can help your child

To understand the problem, it is worth considering the main causes of self-doubt in children.

Lack of love from family and friends. If a child lacks parental love, he instinctively believes that the rest of the world treats him the same way and, unwillingly, he isolates himself from everyone, becoming a withdrawn, restless and anxious person.
Bullying by adults. Some parents, unable to cope with the situation, may use phrases that frighten the child, such as “if you don’t listen, they will take you away,” “if you behave like this, you will be kidnapped,” and so on. This produces a certain effect, but on a subconscious level it creates fear and panic in the child.
Lack of help and support. On the path of his development and growth, a child often encounters something new and unusual for himself, and he does not manage to overcome all the tasks. If parents do not help and support the child in difficult times, do not reassure him and do not solve the problem together, then he develops a fear of the new and unknown, he is afraid to find himself in an unfamiliar environment, communicate with new people, which negatively affects his psychological condition.

In addition to the main reasons, there can be many smaller situations that affect self-confidence. Children of preschool age, as a rule, do not have pronounced problems with self-esteem, so everyone in the group is more or less equal, but with the transition to school the situation changes dramatically.

Parents should pay attention to the child’s behavior after school, to his general psychological and physical condition. If a problem is detected in time, it can be solved painlessly, then the child will happily go to school, attend sections and clubs, enjoying life and communicating with peers

Correction of high self-esteem

The danger for a teenager of overestimating their own capabilities lies in inflated expectations from the people around them, which can lead to an inability to satisfy their own ambitions. This can trigger depression. To make a child’s self-esteem normal, you need to perform a number of exercises with him:

Ask your teen to share what they think about themselves. After this, you need to ask your family and friends for their opinion about him, comparing their words with the child’s self-esteem. Encourage him to think about why what different people say about him is so different. This will help him be less arrogant and learn to objectively assess his own strengths.
Read also: Human emotions and feelings, psychology of difference or unity
The teenager should list activities that he is very good at. After this, ask him to name acquaintances, friends or relatives who are better at handling the named tasks than he is.
The child must name his own shortcomings that prevent his positive qualities from becoming ideal. For example, he can be witty, but sometimes gets personal; He has excellent physical fitness, but he cannot play team sports.
Ask your teen to write down 10 negative personality traits. After that, he must think about whether they interfere with his life. It is also necessary for the child to understand whether his shortcomings are a hindrance to the people with whom he communicates.
Teach your child to think about critical comments from teachers, family, and friends, and not perceive them as unreasonable nagging. Try to explain that in case of failures, you need to look for their reasons not only in the people around you, but also in yourself.

Remember that both low and high self-esteem in a teenager are not the norm and should not be encouraged . In the future, problems with self-confidence can lead to failures in life and reluctance to communicate with people due to various fears.

How to instill self-confidence in a child:

Believe in the baby. And make sure he knows it. “Let’s assemble the pyramid, bunny, now you’ll succeed” - this can be said even to the smallest toddlers. Let them grow and know for sure that I can do it.
Don't criticize. All children are talented, but skills need to be developed. When a child hears phrases addressed to him like “You’re doing it wrong, you can’t do it, let me help you.” He accepts this as a given and comes to terms with his ineptitude. Say phrases that will help your baby: “What an interesting thing you did! How else can you do it? Maybe we can try this?”
Don't compare. In our childhood, it was customary to make comparisons with others: “But Dima’s applique turned out to be neater,” “And Masha helps her mother,” “Katya already reads syllables.” But this is not motivation, but the acceptance that others are always better than you.
Let him be wrong. Mistakes help the child look for different ways to solve problems. The more a child makes mistakes, the more confident he becomes. After all, if something goes wrong, he will always find a way out.
Praise. Tell your children more often how smart they are and how great they are at everything. These are positive attitudes that contribute to adequate self-esteem. Through their parents, children learn about the world around them in the same way they learn about themselves. You are their mirror. The child reads your reaction and mood about him and tries it on himself.
Admit your mistakes. If the parent is wrong (and this happens, no one is perfect!), ask the child for forgiveness, tell him why this happened. The child will feel that his opinion is taken into account. Awareness of your value in the family = self-confidence.
Don't demand, but ask. “Get dressed, put away your toys, wash your hands, sit down to study” - such phrases sound like orders. Can you imagine if your husband spoke to you all the time in a commanding tone, would this strengthen the relationship? “Bunny, let’s put away the toys, otherwise you might trip,” “Wash your hands, please, we just came from a walk” - such requests are not baby talk, but they sound polite.
Don't be overprotective. “Don’t climb, it’s high up there” “Don’t touch, it’s hard”, “Don’t jump, you’ll fall.” How can you believe in your abilities when you can’t even try them? The baby's safety is paramount. But bumps and bruises are also mistakes.
Let's have the right to choose. Start small: “Will you have porridge or cottage cheese for breakfast?”, “Shall we go for a walk to the playground or to the park?” The child understands that he, too, can think something, listen to himself, suggest - and he will be heard. And the baby’s self-esteem grows.

Like any free person, the baby wants something and doesn’t want something. When a child protests, he makes it clear that he doesn’t like it and tries to do it his own way. The child’s opinion must be taken into account; respect his wishes and point of view. Appreciate his personality and he will learn to appreciate himself.

How to raise a girl's self-esteem

To boost your self-esteem, learn to love yourself. To do this, identify your own strengths and remind yourself of them every day, especially in moments when you feel insecure.

Nice clothes will help you increase your self-esteem faster. To get a feel for how to boost your confidence and self-esteem through your wardrobe, choose your own style

At the same time, be guided by your taste and feelings - it is important that you feel physical and psychological comfort in new clothes. Don't try to copy anyone else's style

Exercising will help you gain confidence, because regular exercise will make your figure slim and make you feel healthy and energetic.

It is important that you enjoy the chosen physical activity. A balanced diet will help complement the effect of sports, as it will give lightness to the body and improve mood.

Don't forget to maintain personal hygiene. Clothes should always be clean, ironed and neat. Wash your hair and comb your hair regularly, because a girl with an unkempt hairstyle will not feel beautiful.

Learn to respond normally to praise and compliments. Never deny good words spoken to you - it is better to respond to them with gratitude.

Find peers with common interests, because communicating with them will benefit your self-esteem. Try to make friends with positive and confident girls who will appreciate you.

How can a guy become more confident?

In order for a teenage boy to gain self-confidence, he needs to understand that he does not need to strive for perfection. The ideal is a conditional concept that is impossible to achieve. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive to be better, but you shouldn’t suffer from your own imperfections either. Other recommendations will help raise self-esteem:

Get enough sleep. Lack of sleep has a negative impact on your overall health and self-esteem, as it is difficult to feel confident when you feel tired and overwhelmed. You should sleep at least 8 hours a day.
Try to be responsible. Keep your promises - this skill is a good character trait for any guy. The ability to be responsible for your words will help you cope with difficulties.
Set goals and achieve them. To be more successful than other teenage boys, it is not at all necessary to fight with them - it is better to find something worthwhile, for example, to play sports.
Help others. Even small acts of kindness can help you feel more important. To do this, you can help a peer, an elderly neighbor or a homeless animal.
Be persistent. Don't let other people push you around and don't be afraid to express your own opinions, even if they differ from others. You shouldn’t be afraid to refuse someone’s request and feel guilty about it.

Finding good friends is an equally important and effective way to increase a guy’s self-esteem. It is much easier to face difficulties when you have loyal comrades, especially if you have common interests.

Interview with an insecure teenager and commentary from a psychologist

Here's a short story - an interview, 15-year-old girls.

What is your feeling of self-doubt?
I have complexes, for example, sometimes I feel worse than others. I'm worried that I won't be able to succeed in what others are successful at.
Do you think your parents are to blame for the fact that you don’t believe in yourself?
Maybe yes. My parents are perfectionists. When they point out my shortcomings, I get angry. They probably think they are helping me this way. But, in fact, they only make everything worse. I give up, I don’t want to do anything. I noticed that praise works well for me. When my parents are proud of my successes, they tell their friends about them. Then I'm ready to go out of my way to be even better. And I want to prove to everyone what I am capable of if they believe in me.
When did you feel that you didn’t believe in yourself?
I do not know when. Probably at school due to learning difficulties. And also because of the transitional age, that is, during adolescence. When you notice how your appearance is changing and you are not happy with it. Also because of exams, because you think you won't cope. The exam begins, and in my head: “Well, that’s it, I won’t succeed! I wish this would all end quickly.”
What calms you down and helps you?
I love looking at the sky and watching airplanes. Also photograph flowers and create beautiful pictures. Sometimes it helps to communicate with friends and relatives who understand you.
Do you have envy towards your peers? How do you feel about those who are better than you?
I try to first look at those who are better than me in order to understand what I am lacking. I try to improve myself. There is envy, in a sense, but I will never cause harm. If others have something that I don’t have, I compensate for it in myself and so strive to achieve my ideal.
Do you suffer from depression?
No. I'm in control. I'm trying to improve myself!
Thanks for the interview!

It is clear that the girl has raised the bar too much. She feels that any efforts she makes, that she tries, will not be appreciated. She “cannot” make mistakes, do bad things. As a result, I don’t want to do anything. She should learn to make mistakes and not be afraid of it. Lower the bar and be happy with the results she gets. This effect is not as easy to achieve as it seems. Because parents should also participate in the process. Without their support, it is difficult for a teenager to change.

How to help your child gain self-confidence and improve self-esteem

Always support your child, give him confidence; in kindergarten, ask the teacher to help him choose games to unite the children in the group. Usually these are games where even the smallest and most timid can be, for example, the leader. As a result, the child’s self-esteem and self-confidence increase, he can express and show himself.

Another way to add confidence to your child and increase his popularity in the group is to come up with a new game (parents can help), bring a toy to the garden and invite older children to your game. Playing games together brings children together and they have more topics to talk about.

What to do if a child is not confident in himself and does not have adequate self-esteem? Respect your baby and what he does, what he dreams of, what he strives for. Don't laugh or ask him to change his mind. If you don’t like your child’s choice, find words that will prove to your child that this is not quite right or not quite right. Not only you teach the child, but also let him teach you something (some kind of game, a sports technique, an unusual way to throw a ball or weave a bauble)

To instill confidence in a boy or girl, as practice shows, you should not be afraid to let your child argue with you - what if he convinces you otherwise? At the same time, you will learn to justify your actions - this is a very important quality.

Focus your attention on what the child does well and praise him. The assessment must be adequate, praise must be timely and to the point

Even small achievements are worthy of praise if the child made an effort and achieved something (even if it is insignificant, in your opinion, success). To raise a confident girl or boy, as psychologists recommend, you must always rejoice with them, because your children are the best and most beloved, appreciate and accept kids for who they are!

Actions of a teenager's parents

If your child has low self-esteem, you need to think about how to increase his self-esteem. To help him gain self-confidence, you need to follow some tips:

Don't criticize your child's appearance. Since such a teenager does not feel his own beauty, parents with a careless remark about his external features can completely destroy his self-esteem. Even if criticism is expressed with good intentions, the child will perceive it as confirmation of his unattractiveness.
Help your teenager solve problems with his appearance. For example, if he has extra pounds, you need to create motivation for playing sports, and if he has skin problems, take the child to a dermatologist.
Keep your teenager clean and tidy. It is necessary to help him find his own style of clothing, teach him the right combination of things, choose a hairstyle he likes, and wash and clean his wardrobe in a timely manner.
Show respect for his opinion. You need to talk to a teenager as an equal and not humiliate him.
Give compliments and praise your child, but only constructively and to the point. If there are no reasons for such words, you can tell the teenager that you see his potential, consider him capable and believe in him.
Don't compare your children to other people. Such comments will not help improve the teenager’s self-esteem - he will begin to feel superior to his peers.
Help me find a passion. Adults need to come to the aid of a child in order to reveal his abilities, talents and help him achieve success in some activity. This will help him find his own position in society.

Equally important for increasing self-esteem is the fight against fears, which appear in large numbers among adolescents. They are often afraid of being funny or ridiculous in the eyes of others.

Parents should explain that everyone gets into strange situations that seem funny, but there is nothing scary about it. You can fight such fear with the help of a game model - for example, invite your child to take part in a humorous performance, wearing a funny outfit.

The essence of believing in yourself

A child's self-confidence is nothing more than self-esteem. However, this is not the only component. Anxiety, will and motivation are closely related to this element. But first things first.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem is a person’s perception and assessment of himself, both in general and in terms of individual character traits or actions. It is affected by:

independent comparison of oneself with the environment;
someone else's assessment;
beliefs, values, worldview (some people focus on appearance, then due to protruding ears, self-esteem may be reduced, while others don’t even pay attention to this);
comparing yourself with yourself (as I am, as I want to be, as I can be, as I should be).

The last element is the most difficult. It should be noted that self-esteem develops along with a person. That is, for example, children of primary school age can compare themselves with others and listen to someone else’s assessment, but do not compare themselves. The ability to see oneself in several projections at once comes in adolescence.

As for values, the younger the child, the less pronounced this factor is. In terms of values, at birth a child is a “blank slate”; what kind of guidelines the baby will develop depends only on the environment.

A developed adult personality has stable, adequate and normal self-esteem. That is, a person knows all his strengths and weaknesses, capabilities and limitations. At the same time, he knows how to use them to his advantage and always sees several moves in any issue. He knows that he can handle it if he does “this and that” and doesn’t do “that.” At least this should be the case with favorable development.

Will

Will is the second element of self-belief.

Firstly, it provides the very “dos and don’ts.”
Secondly, developed self-regulation (self-control) makes it possible to limit the influence of external factors on self-esteem.

Anxiety is a personality trait prone to change. That is, it can be adjusted. However, sometimes this is a feature of the psyche that requires serious correction. If we are talking about anxiety that has formed against the background of negative factors (moving to a new school, entering school, quarrels with friends, family dysfunction), then it can be easily dealt with. However, in each case, anxiety reduces self-confidence. At the same time, anxiety is often a consequence of uncertainty.

Motivation

Motivation is a stimulus for some action or life. “You need to believe in yourself,” one person says to another. "What for?" - counterquestion. Here is a clear example of the role of motivation in self-belief. That is, motivation is a kind of consent to accept help, an incentive to believe in oneself.

Thus, self-confidence cannot be unconditional. By this I mean the fact that it must be based on something in order to be sustainable. Every parent should be able to suspect, identify problems with self-esteem (self-confidence) in a child and help in its restoration.

Why self-doubt is dangerous:

isolation;
aggressiveness;
passivity;
shyness;
excessive complaisance (weakness of character);
fear;
lack of goals;
inability to build your life.

I think I won’t be mistaken if I say that no parent wishes such a fate for their child. Which means we need to help.

How a child's self-esteem is formed

Young children think neither good nor bad about themselves. The perception of one's personality is formed in the process of growing up and depends on upbringing. Parents and other people around the baby have a huge impact on his self-esteem and can instill confidence in the child or, conversely, uncertainty. This is why love, support and acceptance are so important for children.

At the ages of 4 to 6 years, children begin to take a closer look at themselves and their place in society. By the age of 7–8, they already have a certain attitude towards their personality. Family members, educators, teachers, friends influence the child’s perception of himself. If they believe in him, support his aspirations, praise him for his successes, then they strengthen his positive attitude towards himself.

A negative attitude, unconstructive criticism, ignoring and devaluing achievements, on the contrary, lead to the child losing faith in himself and beginning to consider himself worthless. Low self-esteem makes a person constantly doubt his abilities and feel insufficiently important.

Types of human self-esteem

To understand how to help a teenager gain self-confidence, you first need to understand at what level his opinion of his personality is. There are 3 types of self-esteem: underestimated, overestimated and normal (adequate).

A teenager with low self-esteem constantly sees something bad in his actions, thoughts, character traits and other personality characteristics. He constantly compares himself with ideal images, and all the people around him seem better to him. This can make him feel like a victim, he is unable to accept compliments and praise and prefers to spend time alone.

Teenagers with low self-esteem often have no friends and no desire to make new acquaintances for fear of being ridiculed. The child may become panicky or anxious and reluctant to learn new skills for fear of failure. He may also have an object to follow. Reasons for low self-esteem may include:

features of appearance (excess weight, unkempt clothing, wearing glasses, short or tall height);
poor performance at school;
improper upbringing;
constant criticism from parents or teachers;
personal characteristics (unusual taste in clothes, original hobbies, thoughtfulness, etc.).

Inflated self-esteem in adolescence is much less common than low self-esteem. It is characterized by an overestimation of one’s own capabilities and the significance of one’s personality. The reasons may be strong internal vulnerability, characteristics of upbringing or external attractiveness.

Although some parents may feel that the higher their opinion of themselves, the better, inappropriately high self-esteem is fraught with danger. It is difficult for such a teenager to make friends, because people around him feel uncomfortable, and in the future, such a violation can lead to depression. Signs of inflated self-esteem:

self-confidence;
inability to accept anyone's opinion other than one's own:
arrogance;
fear of making mistakes;
inability to ask for forgiveness or forgive;
perception of other people's victories as a personal insult.

The only type of self-esteem that does not require correction is normal self-esteem. Parents of a child with adequate self-esteem do not need to think about how to help their teenager increase self-esteem, since he understands and calmly perceives his own strengths and weaknesses.

Normal self-confidence develops in a child raised in a family where there is respect for the opinions of others, constructive criticism is practiced and the value of a person is recognized, regardless of his awards or achievements. Such children get along well with their peers, show respect for other people and achieve their goals.

Where does confidence come from?

Self-confidence is a person’s conviction that he will succeed. This is the ability to positively evaluate your knowledge, skills and yourself as a whole.

If a person believes in his own strength, then he has more of it. He has the resource to cope with difficulties, take on complex tasks, and not be content with the role of the “average”. And this is necessary not only for ambitious work projects; a self-confident person can succeed everywhere - in studies, hobbies, relationships. Because if a person believes in himself, others believe in him.

Confidence comes from childhood. Our reaction to various events, to people’s words, to successes or failures shapes our attitude towards our strengths. We can all remember the complexes of adolescence, childhood shyness - but where does all this come from? That's right, from an early age, from the family.

How to increase your child's self-esteem

The formation of self-esteem begins long before adolescence, however, from the age of 10–11 years, the active development of personality occurs: the child develops an interest in himself, his capabilities, abilities, and skills. At this age it is very useful to start working on self-esteem.

Practical advice for parents will help raise self-esteem and help your child become self-confident.

Love your baby and accept him for who he is. Express your love verbally and non-verbally: say warm words, hug, kiss. Do it just like that, without any reason. Praise him for specific actions, for example, for cleaning his room, packing his briefcase himself, etc. Don’t be afraid to overpraise. When you scold your child, scold him for specific actions, and not just like that. He must understand that your dissatisfaction is directed at his actions, and not at his personality. Any criticism should be constructive. Never humiliate your child, do not call him stupid, stupid, worthless. By doing this you will only convince him that he is not capable of anything. It’s better to think together about the mistake he made and help him find a way to correct it. Support your child in his endeavors, praise him for his successes, encourage him if he is afraid of something. This will add confidence to him. Focus on your son or daughter's strengths rather than their weaknesses

Help to reveal talents, do not scold for mistakes and blunders. It is important to teach a child to adequately assess his strengths and capabilities in one or another area of life. This will help him overcome self-doubt and give him strength to move forward. Encourage your child to achieve success, motivate him to new achievements, maintain his confidence in his abilities

Teach him to lose with dignity and not perceive loss as a tragedy. Develop in your child new abilities and skills that will help him reach new heights. It could even be little things, like learning how to grow flowers in pots or how to care for a pet. The more he can achieve, the higher he will begin to value himself. Instill responsibility in your son or daughter. To do this, give us the opportunity to choose how to act in certain situations and be independently responsible for our choices. You can start small, for example, inviting your child to choose his own clothes for a walk or toys that he wants to take with him to kindergarten. By learning to make decisions on his own in small things, he will be able to make more complex choices. Do not solve problems for your child that he can solve himself. Having found a way out on his own, he will feel proud of himself and gain confidence in his abilities. Teach your son or daughter to take care of themselves, value their physical and mental health, build personal boundaries, and overcome shyness in relationships with other people. Encourage your child's curiosity, let him try himself in different activities - sports, art. This will help him gain a variety of knowledge and skills and understand what he really wants. From time to time, ask your child for advice, as an equal or elder. Make him feel important and needed.

Working on your child's self-esteem can be challenging, but it is worth the effort. Adequate self-perception, self-confidence, the ability to overcome difficulties and not be offended are important qualities that will help a person get better in life.

Maturation period

Nervous system development does not stop after birth. The brain, which is responsible for regulating the body and maintaining cognitive abilities, continues to change. Transitional reflexes disappear and new neural connections are established. The cerebral cortex actively increases its potential, helping the individual acquire new knowledge and skills. Education and socialization influence the final processes of formation of the nervous system. For this reason, a 4-5 year old child is especially susceptible to chronic stress and other negative factors.

The adaptation mechanism plays an important role in the formation of personality traits. The brain must protect its own structures from adverse effects. Children learn to cope with difficulties and focus on the positive aspects of life. At this time, the family should provide all possible support to strengthen the protective reflexes of the psyche. Home should be a place of calm, not a new zone for coping with difficulties. An unfavorable family environment creates the preconditions for decreased socialization and disruption of the adaptive functions of consciousness.

10-12 year old children encounter a new maturation factor. The reproductive system gradually develops, affecting the brain and other organs. The level of sex hormones increases. The body begins to change rapidly. Teenagers often grow disproportionately, which is why complexes appear. In addition, hormonal levels change the nature of social needs.

The relevance of developing confidence in a child

As we can see, the problem of developing self-confidence in a child is relevant, and should prompt parents to address it, if there is a reason for this. How to help a child gain a sense of determination and courage, teach him independence? For preschool children, psychologists suggest adding confidence through play, where they can show their best side and see the best sides of others. For example, a game like “Why does my mother, or father, or grandmother or grandfather love me?” Children, if they are in a group, can take turns telling why their parents love them. They can use play to increase self-esteem in their own eyes and in the eyes of other children and adults. And a game like “Compliments” allows kids to see their positive sides as if from the outside. Children say what they like about each other. After the game, you can discuss what each of them learned new about themselves.

Increasing self-esteem for schoolchildren (6–10 years old)

For the first time, a schoolchild has two important motives: “ to be like everyone else ” and “ to be different from everyone else, to be better .” The first is needed when general rules apply. The second arises in conditions of competition and appeals to pride. If a child succeeds in competition, his self-esteem increases.

Help develop his personal special skill: artistic or technical.
Take part in a relay race, an Olympiad, or promise a reward for success in a math test. Don't forget to praise for minimal progress and motivate for the next step.
Instilling confidence in a ten-year-old is very simple: explain that you are proud of him, his skills, his best qualities. That you love him not for something, but because he exists, you value him as a person and are ready to help.

Children are very responsive to the sincerity of adults and to an instructive, friendly tone.

They are happy to make contact, even after serious conflicts. However, it is better to avoid conflicts.