The phrase “I’m fine” is a standard reaction in our society to emotional turmoil. It is important to show others as soon as possible that you are normal, even if you are not.
When supporting someone, we say: “Stop crying”, “Stop being upset”, showing the person that his feelings are wrong and need to get rid of them as soon as possible. But there is only one way to cope with an emotion - to live it, and not to push it away. Let's figure out why it's harmful to suppress your feelings and how to stop doing it.
Fight, flight, freeze, or why suppressing emotions is harmful
Adherents of various spiritual practices believe that emotions are energy. If we do not let it pass through ourselves, but ignore it, it accumulates in the body and begins to poison the body: most often this is expressed in the form of psychosomatic diseases.
Doctor of psychology Emily Nagoski in her book “As a Woman Wants” explains that stress is an evolutionary adaptive mechanism that allows a person to adequately respond to threats. When a primitive man encountered a lion, his brain received a danger signal: the level of adrenaline and cortisol in the blood increased sharply, the heartbeat and breathing increased, blood pressure increased, and the immune and digestive systems were suppressed.
Our stress response can be described as a fight/flight/freeze cycle. Depending on the type of threat, the person decided what would help him escape - running away from the lion or fighting him. In the most extreme case, when the predator is already too close, the freezing reaction is activated - the body practically ceases to function, this is also called “feigned death.”
According to Nagoski, the key to effectively managing stress is to end the stress cycle: kill a predator, escape from it, or get out of a state of inhibition. But in the modern world we are faced with other threats: not so intense, but longer lasting. With chronic stress, when we do not make conscious efforts to end the cycle, negative emotions accumulate, leading to illness, chronic fatigue and depression.
Diagnostics
The first sign of alexithymia: you begin to realize that feelings and emotions are unnecessary. As this state develops, thoughts replace emotions. A person begins to reason instead of, for example, getting angry. Alexithimiks do not care what happens around them. They are indifferent to everything.
Another important symptom is the presence of affective reactions (pronounced, violent reactions in response to something). Many people confuse them with the manifestation of emotions. Alexithymics try to be restrained and calm.
Emotions accumulate and, when there are too many of them, an affective outburst occurs. A typical example: there is trouble at work, you come home and take your anger out on your children or wife.
How to understand that you are suppressing emotions
We live in a culture of suppression of emotions, where from childhood we are taught that crying, expressing dissatisfaction, throwing a tantrum is bad, and such a desire must be fought. It is not surprising that many people do not even notice that they live in a constantly unfinished stress cycle. Here are just a few manifestations of suppressed emotions:
- say “I’m fine” even when you feel bad;
- you wake up in a bad mood for no apparent reason;
- you often feel hatred and disappointment;
- you may suddenly lash out at a loved one;
- you cannot tell a person how you really feel for fear that you will be judged or ridiculed;
- constantly making excuses for people who hurt you;
- you have addictions that you resort to when you don’t feel well - food, alcohol, shopaholism.
Consequences of alexithymia
Each organ performs a specific function and is necessary for normal functioning. It cannot be taken and “turned off” without consequences. The limbic system (a series of brain structures surrounding the upper part of the brain stem) and part of the right hemisphere are responsible for emotions. Alexithymics try to live by ignoring them.
Emotions perform an important function: they determine how we feel in the external environment. This is important information, because when it’s bad, you need to change something, and when it’s good, you need to try to maintain this state and improve it.
If a person does not have access to emotions, he lives for a long time in a stressful situation that needs to be changed. But he cannot do this because he does not identify her as “bad.”
The brain is designed in such a way that there is always an emotional reaction (remembering something - experiencing an emotion, admiring a picture - receiving an emotional response). It can be compared to electricity, which is constantly generated.
In a normal situation, emotions are experienced and “electricity” is consumed. If it does not go away, the impulses are transferred to neighboring centers. From where chaotic signals begin to be sent to the organs for whose work these centers are responsible. Result: disruption of their functioning. This phenomenon is called psychosomatic disorders.
The most common disorders include: duodenal ulcer, arterial hypertension, coronary heart disease, etc.
Completing the cycle: how to stop suppressing emotions
There is no one right way to respond to stress, it all depends on the type of threat and the person. Here are some practices that psychologists recommend to complete the cycle.
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Read on topic:What is emotional service
How to deal with negativity
They say that in order to balance out one negative event, you need at least three positive ones. And if you are in a long-term, close relationship, then you need at least five positive interactions.
To be honest, I haven’t checked this ratio, but it seems true to me. Negativity is ingrained in the memory for a long time and can ruin your mood even after several years. After all, such a memory re-starts the chain of reactions of the body, as if the event had just happened. For our brain there is no difference: it is a real event, a fictional one, or a memory. Whatever goes into your brain stays there, so be selective about what you put into it.
Typically, we make three types of mistakes when dealing with emotions that cause us discomfort:
- avoid-suppress,
- As a result, we harm ourselves and others,
- We don't understand the emotions of others.
Therefore, you need to start working with emotions by recognizing and accepting them. They are neither bad nor good. They simply exist and are a consequence of the attitude towards what is happening.
How to Stop Suppressing Emotions: The 4 Second Rule
When a person regularly has emotional experiences that go unrecognized or are ignored, low-intensity chronic tension occurs in the body. It is not sharp enough to immediately cause noticeable discomfort. But gradually such tension accumulates, sometimes over years, and becomes one of the factors in the formation of various diseases.
Suppression is also a reaction, so use the “four second rule”, which will allow you to switch from emotions to rational thinking.
The author of this rule is Peter Bregman, an author and head of a consulting company. By his example, he proved that any problem can be solved in just four seconds.
- We only need four seconds to breathe in and out, to let go of doubts, problems and mental chatter.
- These four seconds are enough to make a more effective decision instead of an unproductive habitual reaction.
Just four seconds to feel calmer and happier.
Will it rid you of negative thinking? Of course not. Don't be naive. But it's a good first step to start managing your life in stressful situations instead of the usual fight-or-flight approach. Or continue to suppress, ignore feelings, pretending that everything is fine when the body says otherwise.
How to overcome internal anxiety and stop living with negative expectations
Let go of old negative reactions and replace them with new ones
There is no point in clinging to old reactions that have ceased to be effective, and perhaps never were. Take a few minutes and make a list of those actions, attitudes, reactions that you want to get rid of. And tell them: "Goodbye!" And you can immediately tear up this list and let go of everything that is written on it.
You can mentally say “goodbye” as many times as you deem sufficient until a feeling of liberation appears. Say goodbye without anger or anger. Exhale. Let go of what has already become obsolete. Letting go means stopping being attached and depending. It's freedom for something better in life.
In the next step, replace the negative with the positive. Take a piece of paper and paper and for each item on your letting go list, find one or more alternatives that will take its place. The best way to negate your predisposition to negativity is to constantly embrace the good.
These practices are not a magic pill that you just need to take once. This is an ongoing process. Consciously fix your attention on the good things you want to see in your life.
I don't know who came up with this phrase, but I really like it: "Focus on the fact that you are planting flowers, not fighting weeds (although that may be part of the process of planting flowers)."
And after completing all these steps, ask yourself:
- What was this experience like for me?
- How did I feel?
- What did I understand and what did I learn?
Try visualization
When a strong emotion comes, try to be alone. Breathe deeply, do not push away your sensations, but let them pass through you. Visualize them into whatever you want, for example into a dark fog that gradually leaves your body.
You can practice visualization in a more literal way - write your feelings on a piece of paper, read it out loud and burn it.
Let's take a closer look.
The first option seems to be a simple way out of the current situation. Yes, there is a habitual pattern of behavior. Maybe we should endure it further? Can! But! How will this affect your psycho-emotional state? How long will you have enough strength, health, and patience?
The second option is also possible. “Just think! Well, I’ll express everything that’s boiling over. I’ll break off relations, enter into open confrontation, start a riot, a scandal.” But what if we are talking about personal comfort, a career, the well-being of loved ones? Can I slam the door and burn all my bridges? Can!
But! What then?
What about the third option : to help yourself without ruining the relationship? Yes, the third option is possible.
But! Only on the condition that the desire to help yourself will be perceived as work on yourself, on your psycho-emotional state.
The help of a professional psychologist will allow you to:
- learn not only to adequately respond to negative emotions and experiences, but also to better understand your feelings
- understand the causes of conflicts, find optimal ways out of them
- acquire effective models of behavior and interaction with others
Keep a journal of emotions
If you have problems understanding your own emotions, this practice will be very useful. Every day, write down how you felt today. Acknowledge them, notice how many different emotions you can experience in a short time, and they are all completely normal.
Psychological snack
If you look around, you can see how many “gurus”, “teachers” and “personal growth coaches” have appeared. They generously give out advice and quickly teach “how to make your first million”, “how to get married successfully”, “how to be happy and rich”. And among other recommendations, you can often hear: “manage your feelings,” “positive thinking,” “drive away bad thoughts,” “think about the good,” and “don’t worry.”
That is, the entire 21st century consists of an unspoken slogan: “Don’t think about bad things, take antidepressants.” Regarding the latter, by the way. In the USA, this is a very popular method of combating apathy and headaches. In any unclear situation, take antidepressants. Treating depression with pills is part of the “fast food” norm—quickly and economically.
If you feel something far from positive, take a pill and don’t feel it. And go on with your life. Live happily. Smile. You can also go to trainings if you lack the motivation to be happy. So we get zombies, artificially happy people.
4.Fear
People usually experience fear much more often than joy or love. It hides in several places in the body, but our neck is most vulnerable to it. Which is not surprising, since the body’s first reaction to fear is the desire to shrink and “pull your head into your shoulders.”
Many of those who experienced strong fear in early childhood continue to live with this feeling further. The neck muscles of such people are spasmed and shortened. Fear blocked in the body can also interfere with our self-development, career growth and success in society.
2.Rage
When anger accumulates too much, it transforms into rage. In fact, this emotion is an amazing driving force if used in the right way. But suppressing it does not lead to anything good.
First of all, it affects the gluteal muscles. They are very strong and use the legs - the foundation of the human body. Suppressed emotion provokes pain in the lower back and a feeling of weakness in the legs - this is how it forces us to sit down so that we restrain ourselves from active actions.
1.Anger
In society, displaying anger is considered a sign of bad parenting.
For this reason, and also to avoid negative consequences - for example, family discord, a quarrel with a friend, or dismissal - many suppress their anger and frustration. By depriving ourselves of the opportunity to speak, we take the emotion inside. Next, our jaw muscles tighten, which the brain orders to ensure that an unnecessary word does not escape in the heat of the moment. If we developed the habit of suppressing anger in childhood, then the body will automatically react to even the slightest dissatisfaction - and there will be “playing nodules” on our face.
