I don’t know how long your relationship has lasted, how it started, how much love and tenderness there is in it, but I know one thing for sure: you’ve been hurt more than once...
- It hurt you when he went home to his wife, although you understood that everything was right...
- It hurt you when you spent weekends/holidays alone, and he spent them with his family...
- It hurt you when you couldn’t hug and kiss him in public because someone might see...
- It hurt you that his children have a wonderful father, but your child does not...
- It hurt you when you were sick, and he couldn’t bring you medicine because he was with his family...
When the most valuable gifts, money, attention went there, but you consoled yourself: “But he loves me... he loves me very much!” - and at that moment you were in pain too...
And even at the time of your meetings, when he came, you already felt sad and hurt in advance, because you knew that he would not stay - he would go home...
And it was painful when, having tried to be offended, your consciousness logically said to the point of tears: “Well, this is not your man!”
This article is for women who:
- found themselves in the role of a mistress at this moment in life;
- they want normal human relationships, but they just can’t get out of this vicious circle;
- are faced with a choice: to be or not to be the mistress of some man;
- constantly attract married men;
- are going to choose the role of a mistress for themselves.
The topic is full of pain and emotions, and much of what is written below will be painful for you to read and painful to realize, but it is better to go through this lesson earlier than when it is no longer possible to restore your destroyed heart.
If you have never been in this role and view it with condemnation, it is worth removing categoricalness: life is unpredictable, and from time to time it provokes us quite harshly. In order not to attract something like this, it is better to refuse criticism and condemnation.
Roots of the situation
This whole story begins long before boyfriends appeared in your life. It starts with dad. The statistics are that 99% of women who take on the role of mistress have an inharmonious relationship with their father. A dad is the first man in a woman’s life, and the perception of other men depends on her relationship with him. A bad relationship with a father does not necessarily make a woman a mistress. These can be different options:
- A dad who put his daughter in her mother’s place and saw his woman in her... Usually such dads invest money, attention, love and care in their daughter for a long time, but they are in the wrong position from the point of view of hierarchy, because subconsciously they see their woman in her . She is often Dad's favorite daughter and close friend, they can go to events together, he is very proud of her and is very attached to her. On a subtle level, dad holds his daughter very tightly, not allowing her to build a marital relationship.
- A dad who praised the girl only for expressing her sexuality, but ignored other aspects of her personality... If a girl has been told since childhood about how important it is to be beautiful, slim, sexy, that this is the only way to find a man, then the solution is obvious - she will go into a relationship where her beauty and appearance are needed.
- A dad who didn’t care about his daughter, who had a mistress... Here, an exclusively psychological connection works: “Mistresses get attention.” The girl really needs her dad, his love and his attention, and she compensates for this in a relationship with a married man by being his mistress.
There can be many scenarios with dad, including the complete absence of a father. It is a disharmonious relationship with the father, where the family hierarchy is disrupted, that often leads to the fact that a woman unconsciously attracts married men.
She definitely needs a busy man, because only with him can she relive this scenario, full of love and pain, and let him go.
In a relationship with a married man, a woman is always looking for what her father did not give her. This attracts her to a man, and she, like a hound dog, smells the state that this man can help her live. Often women in such relationships seek acceptance and a sense of their value, importance, and exclusivity. Or support, care and protection, a feeling of safety “like behind a stone wall.” It all depends on which chakra the lesson was not completed and which block is being worked through through the relationship with the father.
When meeting a man who triggers this mechanism, it is incredibly difficult for a woman to pass by. It may not be infatuation, not love, or even attraction - it is a completely incomprehensible attraction that is critically difficult to overcome.
As soon as we meet people who open our blocks, almost immediately we become emotionally involved with them.
The woman says: “It seems to me that this is a karmic person in my life!” Of course, karmic: all the people to whom we are strongly drawn, who easily lead us into complex emotions and experiences - all are deeply karmic, they heal us from our limitations, show us our blocks and give us the opportunity to get rid of them.
Kate
Happy? No. I was happy, I know what it looks like, I can’t deceive myself. “Happy” looks different. But this state is certainly preferable for me. As they say, “this is the worst situation, but all the others are even worse.” I am independent, I like to live alone, I don’t even want to think about living together. This completely cuts off the possibility of any union. I was there recently, and under very good conditions, and I don’t want to go back there. My lover is very good, my relationship is excellent. Thank God, he doesn’t offend his wife either...
The key to awareness
A married man always gives a woman some very important condition, which she herself lacks. If you have such relationships in your life now, then think about what really important things they give you that you don’t have without them?
- Maybe in this relationship you feel unconditionally loved? Maybe you feel like a princess, a girl who is tenderly loved and cuddled?
- Maybe the presence of this man in your life gives you a feeling of safety and security?
- Maybe he appreciates your talents and you as a person?
- Maybe you are attracted by the fact that this man is proud of you and you are very valuable to him?
- Maybe next to him your heart opens and you become tender and loving, full of experiences and feelings?
Recognize your deficit - it is what leads to this relationship. This is a key task on the path to freeing yourself from them. Feel right now: what hooked you?
Your internal deficit will be drawn to this person, although you may understand perfectly well that you do not need this relationship at all.
Valentina
It’s good for that woman who knows how to live for herself, her beloved, and not get hung up on anyone: it doesn’t matter whether he’s a husband or a lover - one hell of a lot! You need to think about yourself, don’t adapt to anyone. Although I myself understand that this may even be very difficult - for myself, for example. But I am absolutely sure that this is the secret of our female happiness - not to dissolve in a man like sugar in tea!
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Stages of connecting with a married man
The first stage is internal breaking. Your mind says: “I will not build a relationship with a married man! There is nothing good about this. This is immoral!” The mind speaks, but inside something pulls, beckons, attracts...
And if a man is persistent, then women often reach the next stage: “I’m in control.” She continues to communicate with this man, and says to herself: “We will just communicate, he is an interesting person. I’m not attached to him, and I can stop at any time.” In fact, she is already very pleased with his attention, his energy... and most importantly, the state with which she is filled next to him.
The third part: she is already starting to think about him, waiting for his calls and messages.
Next phase: it's only one time! Romantic and sexual relationships occur, but the woman says to herself: “This is temporary. I can stop. I have no goal to destroy his family, I don’t want him to leave his wife.” And this phase lasts quite a long time, especially if the man is experienced and knows how and when to say what to a woman in order to calm her mind.
And then the most painful stage occurs - love. At one fine moment, a woman begins to understand that she loves him, that she wants to fall asleep, feeling the smell of his skin next to him, wake up with him, that she wants to wait for him from work and come up with new dishes... And after each meeting she experiences wild pain because he is sleeping with another woman, because he has dinner with another, spends weekends together and raises children together. The worst pain starts here.
And some women at this stage try to take their husbands away, others wait and live with this pain, and some leave this relationship with their hearts broken into pieces...
There is no greater drama for a woman than the inability to be with the person you love with all your heart.
And the worst thing happens when she realizes that she is ready to do anything for this love, but he is not, he does not want to make a sacrifice and continues to “feed” with promises.
What does the life of a woman who entered into a relationship with a married man consist of?
Why do men look for love on the side?4
Interestingly, most sexologists and psychologists agree that men who have internal, psychological problems are most often inclined to choose mistresses instead of resolving a difficult situation with their wife.
Of course, there are exceptions, however, the peculiarities of male psychology are such that he does not want to waste his time and money on mistresses if he has a beautiful, understanding wife at home with whom he has developed a warm, trusting relationship.
Weak men think about going “to the left”, not wanting to waste their energy on solving the problem. It so happens that women fight more to maintain relationships and are ready to work on them. There are men who, at the slightest misunderstanding with their wife, strive to find a person who can listen and support them, and most often such a person turns out to be their mistress, always in a good mood, loving and understanding.
At home, life is organized, there is a loved one who will not go anywhere, and in freedom there is another woman, hot and beautiful, to whom you do not need to give your entire salary, talk about raising a child and trips to visit your grandmother in the village.
The wife should be wary if boredom has set in in the relationship, living together has become very boring for both partners, and the amount of sex has decreased to the notorious once a month.
Difficulties in the life of a lover
The conscious choice to be second greatly destroys a woman’s self-esteem, no matter how much she says that she is better than his wife. This always weakens energy and self-confidence. And even if a man says: “I love only you, you are in my heart,” he still leaves most of his money, time and attention in his family.
Loneliness: on weekends - alone, New Year, Christmas, March 8th... and all other holidays - alone. Evenings - in a cold bed without the feeling of a loved one nearby...
Constant lies. You can’t call a man in the evening, you can’t call him on weekends, and if you see him in the city with his wife, you need to pretend that you don’t know, etc. And he lies to his wife all the time, making up all sorts of stories instead of telling her the truth.
Inability to grow as a woman. You will not be able to give birth to a child, and even if you can, the child will also be number two, and this is an insane pain for the mother. The main love, attention, and upbringing will go to the children in the family, and there will be just games with your child, and only if the man agrees to the child, although this usually does not happen. You will not be able to introduce a man to your parents, you will not be able to go through the stage of living together, leisure, family evenings, etc.
Family fills a woman greatly, allows her to develop on a very deep level, gives her grounding, calmness, acceptance, tolerance and much more.
But the mistress, even if she gave birth, always remains at the stage of a sub-woman, because she does not have the opportunity to reveal herself fully in this relationship.
The most powerful destruction of energy. By entering into a sexual relationship with a married man, a woman exchanges energy not only with him, but also with his wife, nourishes not only the man, but also his family, so it often happens that with the advent of a mistress, the family reaches a new financial level or relationships within families become softer and calmer. And if a man does not finance his mistress, does not give her at least the semblance of a family and a child, then she begins to become exhausted and lose strength.
The most offensive thing is that, having wasted energy in a relationship with this man, it will be difficult for her to create a new relationship, because the energy potential has been exhausted. Not only are precious years gone from the mistress, when she can build her own happy family, but the energy with which she can create something important in her life is gone.
And the worst thing is when a woman completely loses faith in herself and that she can have a family and a happy, joyful life. According to a woman’s faith, what is given to her, her thoughts create her life, her fortunes control her destiny. When a woman has lost faith and become disillusioned, it is sad and difficult, and it is very difficult to bring her out of this and rehabilitate her.
Danger No. 8. Risk of becoming a victim
Why is it still dangerous to take the position of a mistress in a triangle? Because such a woman is constantly in limbo: “He will come, he won’t come,” “He loves, he doesn’t love,” “Where is he, who is he with,” and so on. Of course, he says that he does not sleep with his wife, but she is also a woman and feels what is happening. Ultimately, the lover’s self-destructive mechanisms are triggered and she becomes a victim.
Her position as a victim is manifested in the fact that she does not receive enough: she gives 70% of herself to a man, and in return receives 30%. People become mistresses because of initially low self-esteem. Because a self-respecting woman knows for sure that she is a queen and that her place is on the throne, and not under it. And if you find yourself in such a situation, then ask yourself the question: “What’s wrong with my self-esteem?”
Being in this position, a woman loses her sense of self-worth. This happens gradually. At first she feels used, and then she increasingly loses confidence in stability, in the future, and the absence of a reliable man nearby does not add color to her life.
Traps for the psyche
Married men are a serious trap: they already know how to treat a woman, they are more balanced, they are calmer with them, they are more reliable, they know what to say, how to console, how to present the necessary information. A man who has extensive experience with his wife and children is always more experienced and preferable to women than a bachelor who knows nothing.
And lovers often fall into the same traps, the most pressing of which is “I’m a good girl.” You can often hear from mistresses that wives are mercantile, they only need money and position, but the mistresses themselves truly love a man, and they don’t need anything except his love. Competing with his wife in terms of appearance, material unpretentiousness, forgiveness and understanding, the mistress tries to become a good girl for this man, to deserve attention, to distinguish himself, to achieve feelings. But this is the path to self-destruction.
A woman is initially an unconditional value, she does not need to prove her goodness, all such attempts only confirm her in the opinion that there is something wrong with her. And by refusing a man’s material help, a woman nullifies his energy and does not allow him to grow - this is a “disservice” that deprives both a man and a woman of strength.
A man loves in a woman what he gives her, and if she doesn’t accept anything, then he simply uses it, and when her resource runs out, he leaves.
The second serious mistake: “the wife is bad, a man will be happier next to his mistress.” A man with whom a woman has fallen in love is already more than half made up of his wife’s energy, she nourishes him, she “feeds” him and she creates him. And the way you like him, his wife made him.
In astrological practice, I often saw that, when leaving for a mistress, men became poorer, their health deteriorated, their social life was destroyed, because the mistress may simply not have enough independent energy to support the mental support of this man.
It is important to be adequate, not to get lost in emotions, but to clearly realize that this man was created by another woman and next to you he will be different as soon as she disappears from his field. Maybe he will be more successful, maybe he will be happier, or maybe your financial condition will be lower and the depth of your feelings along with everyday life will not be as acute - keep in mind that now you do not see the full picture.
A man with a woman and without a woman are two completely different men.
Pauline
Mistresses themselves choose this path, but in the end they are not the only ones who suffer! Moreover, you cannot build happiness on someone else’s misfortune. It's a pity that some people forget about this. I myself was a mistress against my will (the guy hid it, and somehow I didn’t think to look at my passport). Everything became clear when I persuaded him to take out a loan for a car (to him). That's when it came to the passport. Only then did I understand why he didn’t want to deal with the paperwork for a long time, and especially didn’t let me in. We broke up instantly. I'm not used to taking someone else's.
How to get out of the vicious circle
Many women try to break off relationships, but life brings them together again and again. Stopping communication is sometimes very difficult, unbearable, painful, scary... It seems that this is a dear and beloved person, it seems that karma, fate, life itself brought you together so that you could be together.
That’s right: a relationship with a married man is a karmic debt of love.
And you were brought together so that you could give each other the required amount of love - either you or he. And after that they released each other.
If you are really meant to be together, then it needs to start on a solid basis, without traumatic scenarios, that is, when he is already divorced and his relationship with the previous woman is already over, otherwise you have a chance to get a good deal of heavy karma and close your personal life for a very long time .
- First you need to reduce communication to nothing. Try to exclude this person from your life as much as possible, and also exclude any opportunity to come into contact with him. And most importantly, when leaving, you don’t need to explain anything, talk in detail, or pour out your soul. No need: he will convince you, because he needs you, you give him a lot and feed him. Leave silently, without explanation, without ranting. The time will come - and life will put everything in its place and show what is necessary.
- Wish him love. It was love, conditional or not, that brought you together, you are in this relationship for her sake, so give love, wish him love, send love, but only love and nothing but love.
- Ask his wife for forgiveness. Knowingly or not, you hurt her. Causing pain is a karmic knot, a debt that will have to be repaid sooner or later. Better right away. Ask for forgiveness from her not as a competitor, but as a woman who also feels love, no matter what her husband says.
- Write therapeutic letters. Write to the point of devastation, to the point of a hole in your chest, to a state of insensibility and indifference. Write while at least something is being written. Release it. Every time you want to write or call him, write therapeutic letters!
- Give yourself permission to grieve. Parting is always pain and crisis, no matter whether it was the right relationship or not. You will still be hurt... and you will need to cry, sob, roll on the floor with a feeling of cramps and physical lack of this person. This is fine. That's how it should be. Give yourself permission to cry and feel pain, release it.
- Create a dynamic life for yourself. The more events and movement there are in your life, the faster mental restructuring will occur. It is especially important that you communicate with people, because it is communication that helps us look at life differently and move to a new energy level. The more internally independent and self-sufficient people are next to you, the faster your psyche will be rebuilt. Ideally, your life for the first three weeks should be so dynamic that you come home, fall and fall asleep. During this period, do what you haven’t done, what you were afraid of - this will expand your energy capacity and help you get through the separation faster, healing internal wounds.
- Make plans for life with a free man. Of course, at first you won’t want any kind of relationship, and that’s normal. But over time, when you feel better, you will need to write a script for a relationship with a free man, write, remember, wish, as you want. Write how you see your future relationship? How will they be built? What will you do together? How to spend your leisure time? Perhaps as you write the script, you will see places where you have resistance, or maybe you will even see that you have no idea how a happy relationship between two free and whole people is built. Write the script until you find the one that really warms your heart and feels like flying in your chest, even if the script is a little crazy and unusual.
- Go on dates. It is important. Most likely, you will not fall in love, and perhaps you will not find your husband on your next dates, but at the same time you will energetically interrupt the connection with the past man, partially replacing his energy. And seeing the admiring glances of free men, your self-confidence will be restored. Give other men a chance. Yes, if they are single or long-divorced, it will be difficult for them to compare with the delicacy and calmness of a married man, but they have potential. And if you give them a chance, they can grow a lot, transform and change next to you and your energy. They did not yet have a woman next to whom they could grow quickly and rapidly. This path is longer, but in the future such a man can give you protection, and he will be with you in all those moments when you need him, when you need his shoulder and hug.
- Keep your love and gratitude for your ex-man. We have a very conditional understanding of love, but if love is sincere, then it easily passes through time and distance, it can live in the heart and fill it with grace. And only attachment causes pain, suffering from the inability to be together, depression and negative emotions. This man showed you you, showed how you know how to love, how you know how to feel. He showed you those areas that require development and change. And for that you can be grateful.
- Patch the holes. Look at the gaps this man has shown you. What are you hooked on? What was especially important to you? Give yourself this. If this man filled you with love, learn to love yourself. If he gave you a feeling of protection, then learn to defend yourself and ask other men for help. If he attracted you because he understood you, then learn to believe in yourself and accept yourself without judgment. Become whole in the moments he gave you. This is what will attract a worthy man into your life and a relationship based on the principle of love, not dependence.
- Forgive dad and build a harmonious hierarchy in your relationship. Work with this topic, and if there are grievances against your father, goodbye. If there is too much attention and love for dad, then take your daughter’s place and free up mom’s rightful place as his woman. And in this way, make room in your life for your husband, not your married friend.
- Be prepared for inspections. Just when you feel like you've started to forget that you seem to be ready for another relationship, and maybe even have boyfriends, your ex may well show up and suggest you fall back into the pool! Be careful. There is no need to take this as a sign from the universe that you should be together - this is just a test. Pass it! It is also possible that another married man will come knocking on your life again. Pay attention to how he touches you, and politely say goodbye!
Oksana
I am terribly jealous of his wife... Especially when they leave with the whole family on vacation somewhere. Such depression begins immediately. You sit at home alone and think how cool it is for your wife - she is with him, they wake up together, spend the day together... It’s so disgusting in your soul! Plus, you call your friends - everything is great with them, they live with their boyfriends. This makes it even worse. And nothing can erase these thoughts. During the day you can occupy yourself with work, hobbies or walks with all sorts of friends, but it doesn’t help. It's hard to be alone. I need the one I love next to me...
Olesya
I was a deceived wife. Moreover, it is extremely arrogant and cynical. I won’t give details, believe me – it’s a very ugly story. Divorced. Married men flock to me - but as soon as I remember how many tears I shed because of this rat, I can’t even think about sleeping with a married man.
I admit, I made a mistake once too. I felt neither happy nor unhappy. I just didn’t care – we had a great time together. We rode bicycles, went to the pool, went to a cafe, he taught me extreme driving. But my conscience got the better of me, so the relationship didn’t go far and remained at the level of flirting. However, I am a little ashamed of this, because I will have to answer for everything in this life.
What do you think about this?
Ksenia
I can say about my sister - she is an eternal lover after a divorce. She got divorced at 25, now she’s 40, she kept jumping around and yelling at married men: I don’t need my husband, someone else’s suits me. And then she turned 40 years old, and she decided to play with the family. She became pregnant from him (he has two little children in marriage), and for some reason she assumed that he would be happy about her pregnancy and would come running to her. He, of course, showed her the middle finger, and now he doesn’t come to her at all. And she is crying, poor, unfortunate thing. At 8 months, fat, no one needs, in snot and tears, she is preparing to give birth to fatherlessness.
Dasha
It's all in the past for me. In general, I’ll tell you, there is nothing more disgusting than watching him get ready to go home after sex. So he begins to discreetly look at his watch. Then it's noticeable. Then he sighs sadly. The view is incredibly pathetic. With anguish he says that it’s time for him. Then he puts on his underpants and shirt, looking around guiltily. And he even buttons his fly with a guilty look... Poor, unfortunate creature - there is nothing more unhappy in the world. He is forced to stomp to his unloved wife in the hated “family hearth”. When he knew that I was watching from the window, I walked slowly, as if I had weights on my legs. I think the pace was picking up around the corner...
