Psychology of loneliness, its classification and 4+1 exercises to combat it

Modern residents of big cities, and small ones too, often face loneliness. We decided to figure out whether it’s so bad to be lonely and when loneliness goes beyond all boundaries.

Loneliness in a crowd, loneliness in a group, or literal loneliness - all people have encountered all of this at least once. Moreover, a new study by Western sociologists showed that 30% of young people surveyed experience loneliness either constantly or very often. 27% of respondents are not friends with anyone, but, surprisingly, do not suffer from this, believing that they do not need friends at all.

What is loneliness

This concept has many definitions proposed by various scientists who at one time dealt with this issue.

From a scientific point of view, loneliness is an emotional state of a person that has social and psychological prerequisites, characterized by the absence of close, trusting relationships as a result of forced or voluntary social isolation that has psychological reasons.

The common definition explains the essence of this concept by a person’s detachment and unfulfilled need for communication due to lack of opportunity or desire.

Levels of Loneliness

How can the feeling of loneliness be divided into levels? There are several concepts that answer this question. Considered separately:

isolation , which may be in the nature of a hermit of one’s own free will, or may be forced;
solitude , which people prefer when they need a break from others.

Other levels of loneliness are:

Psychological . Most often, its causes are personal characteristics, internal conflicts that do not allow the need for communication to be fully realized;
Physical . The feeling of the absence of another living being nearby;
Social . It is characterized by the absence, for whatever reason, of relationships between a person and the social environment in which he is located. At the same time, loneliness can be initiated both by the person himself and by society.
Situational - a short-term phenomenon that manifests itself in the presence of any events beyond human influence;
Chronic loneliness , when a person is unable to establish relationships with people for a long period.

Loneliness is also divided into stages according to the strength of existing relationships:

Living alone . Accompanied by passivity, depression, dissatisfaction with oneself. At this level, a person resigns himself to fate and, in principle, excludes the possibility of entering into a relationship with anyone;
Random connections . They develop confusion and fear of not being liked in people;
Mutual self-disclosure . At this level, a person refuses to share his own problems and secrets, because he believes that he has no right to put his burden on others;
Finding a likely life partner . At this stage, doubts prevail that this is the right person, the fear of being misunderstood and rejected manifests itself;
Deepening close relationships . It is associated primarily with avoidance of sexual contacts, which goes hand in hand with feelings of guilt and disappointment in the partner;
Long-term liabilities . A person should live in stability, but at the same time he experiences a feeling of being driven into a corner, fear of losing himself and freedom.

How Loneliness Affects You: Time to Take the Next Step

We live a gray, meaningless, incomplete life alone, while we were born to experience the joy of realizing ourselves among other people.

We live topsy-turvy and don’t understand what we’re doing wrong. We experience inner emptiness, uselessness, unloving, and we feel very sorry for ourselves. A huge ocean of human suffering from loneliness. We just don't know how to deal with this chimera. With systemic knowledge, we are able to fully understand the reasons for our loneliness and change our destiny. We are capable of becoming happy.

You can find out all this here and now

Author of the publication: Oksana Shevchenko
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”

Kinds

Human loneliness is a specific psychological phenomenon that has numerous features and various aspects in terms of study. To understand this phenomenon as a whole, it first needs to be divided into parts. Psychological types of loneliness include several divisions.

According to the mechanism of perception

The first division represents the psychological varieties of a person’s perception of his condition.

Alienating loneliness

It is a mechanism of isolation, and its extreme is total loneliness, that is, withdrawal from the world and society as a whole, or removal from a certain social group in terms of its values and norms. At the same time, the person realizes and acknowledges his condition.

Diffuse

In this form, the mechanism of self-identification takes place. A person loses his own “I”, becomes unable to separate himself from this world, merges with society, dissolves in it. This process can sometimes take place consciously, but in some cases a person fails to understand his condition.

Dissociated

An extreme condition that easily turns into a pathological form, combining the processes of alienation and identification. It manifests itself in pronounced changes in perception in relation to people or some phenomena.

Managed

The psychology of loneliness classifies its controlled form as a normal state that one should strive to achieve. With controlled loneliness, a person maintains a balance between his Self and inclusion in society, maintaining his own uniqueness and not refusing to communicate with people.

Types by personality type

The second division option is based on the subjective state of the individual.

Hopelessly lonely

People experiencing complete loneliness, who lack not only family and friends, but also any kind of constant social circle. They experience a feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and believe that no one needs them. They often have a tendency to blame others for their condition.

Occasionally single

Active people with a large circle of friends and contacts. Loneliness becomes a problem for them when there are no close and intimate relationships; in this situation, they feel a sense of uselessness and suffer from it.

Passively and persistently lonely

Melancholy and loneliness are constant companions of such people. At the same time, they suffer from loneliness, but make no attempt to change anything in their fate. They are ready not only to come to terms with loneliness, but also to hide it from others, pretending that everything is fine.

This is interesting
Separation from society, accompanied by sadness, activates the same parts of the brain that are involved in the sensation of physical pain. That is, the brain perceives loneliness the same way as pain.
Scientists from the University of California, who came to this conclusion, explain this by instincts inherent in nature: in ancient times, people lived together for the sake of survival, and a person left alone feared for himself and his life.

Existential loneliness as a separate type

Existentialism as a philosophical movement deals with the essence of human existence. Existential loneliness, as a type of human condition, is also called cosmic or global .

Almost everyone is susceptible to this type of loneliness to varying degrees, since everyone, to a certain extent, tends to feel the difference between themselves and the world. The reasons for this condition are quite complex and do not relate to the field of social communications, so the quality and quantity of communication does not change anything. Existential internal loneliness is associated with:

Correlating oneself with a super unique phenomenon, a destiny for something great;
Dissatisfaction of needs associated with a penchant for mysticism and the desire for involvement in the divine.

Many people encounter similar manifestations when they are overtaken by the fact of the finitude of their own existence. In this state, a person experiences strong sadness and melancholy , as he realizes that there will never be absolute understanding and love from those around him, even the closest people. He begins to think that he will always be alone simply because this is human nature - after all, each individual is a unique pattern of thoughts and feelings.

How to cope with feelings of loneliness

A person comes into this world alone and leaves it alone. It is impossible to completely stop feeling inner loneliness, and it is not necessary. But if you don’t learn to accept your loneliness and live with it, you can become mired in mental disorders.

So what to do? I offer you recommendations from psychologists who will help you make friends with loneliness and even learn to enjoy it.

Look for the positive

If you are now alone and the feeling of abandonment and uselessness haunts you, try to shift your focus to the positive aspects of this state.

Time alone is a great chance to focus on self-knowledge and self-development. You can get to know yourself better, learn something new, deepen and expand your knowledge in different areas. Unless, of course, you give in to despondency.

Here is a small list of advantages that can be found in solitude:

You have more free time for yourself.
You are not dependent on anyone and should not adjust your plans to suit other people.
When you live alone, you can organize your life the way that suits you.
You can focus all your attention on what you love. For example, Isaac Newton deliberately did not enter into a relationship in order to devote more time to science.
While you are single, you are insured against the pain that people can cause you.

Fight self-doubt

As we have already found out, self-doubt is one of the reasons for feelings of loneliness. An insecure person has difficulty establishing relationships with people due to fear of evaluation and a constant feeling of anxiety.

Start working on improving your self-confidence. And our articles on how to become a confident man and how to become a confident woman will help you.

Expand your social circle

The more friends and acquaintances you have, the greater the chances of finding “your” people among them with whom you can build strong friendships and love relationships. Therefore, do not miss the opportunity to meet new people. It is best if these are comrades close to you in spirit and interests. Here are a few options where you can find them:

thematic communities on social networks;
various training courses;
team intellectual games;
various cultural and sporting events.

Help others

Selflessly helping others will help you overcome feelings of loneliness very quickly. First, you will encounter people who are much worse off than you. Compared to them, your loneliness will seem like insignificant nonsense.

Secondly, you will be able to feel needed and contribute to social life. It is quite possible that you will like it so much that you will decide to engage in charity work on an ongoing basis.

Share your experiences

Sometimes sharing your experiences with someone is enough to make you feel better. Think about who you can tell about your problem without embarrassment or discomfort. If suddenly there is no such person in your environment, you can use the helpline. There are professional psychologists who will not only listen, but also share advice.

Look for new hobbies

A person can indulge in a feeling of loneliness only in moments of idleness. Therefore, try to reduce them to a minimum and fill your life with various interesting activities. Master calligraphy, start cross-stitching, learn programming languages. If you manage to get really carried away, consider yourself to have hit the jackpot.

Plunge yourself into your work

Work is the best cure for all psychological ailments. I'm not advocating for you to become a workaholic. Think about what you can do to improve your professional skills and reach the next level. It might be worth taking some advanced training courses, taking on a new project, or reviewing the organization of your work process.

Change your attitude towards people

Stop thinking badly about people and devaluing them. This will not make you need them less, but will only worsen your alienation. Look for something good and attractive in every person, pay attention to their strengths, not their weaknesses. Learn to trust and open up, because without this no normal relationship is possible.

Over time, you will understand that there is no need to hide. No one can hurt you if you are whole inside and strong in spirit. And these qualities can only be trained in close interaction with the world, and not in isolation.

Move more

The more you move, the more energy you have for life and the fewer negative thoughts appear in your head. During physical activity, hormones are released that improve mood and increase motivation. You can even use motor discharge as an ambulance against despondency and loss of strength.

Do you feel the feeling of loneliness consuming you? Don't sit still! Start jumping, running, squatting, dancing (if the situation allows, of course). You can just go for a walk or ride a bike.

Set goals and achieve them

Self-actualized successful people tolerate the feeling of loneliness much easier. They feel their own value without regard to other people and stand firmly on their own two feet.

The more reasons you have to respect yourself, the less you will need someone else's approval. The painful need for people will disappear, and healthy interest will appear in its place.

Start setting goals and realizing them. Let these be very small achievements at first, but truly yours. Each time, your motivation and self-confidence will grow, and along with them, the bar of aspirations will also rise. Before you have time to look back, not a trace will remain of the past of an insecure, complex, dependent person.

Positive and negative sides of loneliness

Psychology shares both the negative and positive influence of the phenomenon of loneliness on a person, although there is no clear definition - this influence is too subjective. Loneliness as a phenomenon can be fundamentally divided into positive and negative.

With a positive perception, a person who is isolated to one degree or another is psychologically stable and feels comfortable. The advantage is that this state gives time to reflect, tune in to your state, and realize your individuality . Why do many people love silence? This suggests that everyone needs to be alone with themselves from time to time. In addition, depending on the perception of a particular person, the advantages may be:

Relative freedom of action , when you don’t have to adapt to anyone, but do only what you need to do yourself;
Lack of responsibility for anything . If you're single, you don't have to answer for anyone but yourself;
Opportunity to achieve professional success . A lonely person can concentrate all his energy on work and building a career.

Negative loneliness is accompanied by unpleasant emotions and discomfort . This can be caused by both life circumstances and personal characteristics of the individual, which do not include the qualities necessary to achieve intimacy with another person.

In addition, the negative aspects of loneliness can be:

Thoughts about one's own inferiority . Even a person who prefers to live alone, over time, begins to have thoughts that something is wrong with him. A long absence of a permanent relationship makes you doubt your own superiority. With age, the fear of dying completely alone is added to this;
Lack of good leisure time . Spending your free time alone gets boring very quickly;
The absence of a person with whom you can share joy or sorrow.

You can also distinguish personality types that act in accordance with the perception of their condition:

Active-negative . People of this type of perception are looking for ways to overcome the situation, trying to cope with their condition and overcome loneliness on their own;
Passive-negative . They do not try to control themselves, they only critically evaluate their feelings and worry that they will not be able to get rid of loneliness;
Passive-positive . They don’t feel lonely, they just use their free time to relax, living it in complete peace and tranquility;
Actively positive . They not only perceive their own loneliness positively, but also live through this period, making full use of it to do what they like, for self-improvement and creativity.

How it manifests itself

The range of negative human emotions is very wide and varied. The feeling of loneliness is easily confused with other psychological manifestations. For example, with a feeling of unfulfillment, nostalgia, existential crisis. But it also has clear characteristic features that we will use to guide us:

Feeling of own inferiority. It seems to a person that he is worse than other people and therefore not worthy of love and respect. This is an irrational attitude that is established in childhood and is difficult to correct. Logical arguments can only sway her for a while.
Feeling of despair. In the most acute moments, a person can plunge into despair. The feeling of hopelessness can even cause hysterics and provoke a panic attack.
Fear of the future. A person often thinks about what awaits him in 5/10/20 years. With age, the feeling of loneliness only gets worse, so this fear is quite logical. The prospect of a lonely old age can make anyone feel despondent.
Prejudice towards happy and sociable people. In contrast to your own melancholy and despair, the happiness of other people seems to be a pretense. In addition, lonely people may experience envy (not always conscious) of those who communicate easily and are the life of the party.

Signs of a Lonely Person

You can recognize a lonely man or woman if you look closely at their behavior. A person who chronically feels very lonely:

Constantly sad, anxious, gloomy, often irritated by little things, and sometimes aggressive;
Is prejudiced against sociable and happy people;
Focused on himself, while in a conversation he tries to attract the attention of others, interrupts;
Shows excessive attention to the interlocutor, or vice versa, does not even try to understand others;
Straightforward and critical even when he should be softer;
Refuses to express his own opinion;
Often hypocritical and suspicious;
Tends to bring any situation into conflict, or, in contrast, is extremely compliant;
Cannot fully control own behavior;
If, in situations where it is necessary to communicate, he is faced with an opinion that does not suit him, he can exert psychological pressure on his opponent;
Experiences a feeling of uselessness, uselessness, incompetence, failure in love;
Often feels awkward in a large company, cannot have fun (sometimes becomes cheerful when intoxicated);
Constantly criticizes himself and his behavior, prone to self-flagellation.

Why doesn't anyone get close to you?

You are unfriendly. If you smile at people you know, look them in the eyes, and talk kindly, then you are taking a step towards getting closer.
You are taciturn. You may not be able to carry on a conversation because you're tired or just shy, but the other person thinks you're bored and decides to leave you alone.
You are too arrogant. Very often lonely people are people who value themselves very highly. And therefore it is difficult for them to communicate with someone on equal terms. There is no doubt, you need to value your merits. But still, building relationships on the fact that those around you are worse than you is also not a solution.
You talk a lot and listen little. Ideally, interlocutors should talk and listen for approximately equal amounts of time.

Advertising

What is pathology?

There are several clinical forms of loneliness, related to medical pathologies that require specialized treatment or do not have it - a person simply has to live with some deviations. These are independent clinical diseases such as:

Neurosis . Anxiety, restlessness, melancholy or boredom when alone with oneself can lead to the development of neurotic conditions;
Depression . In psychotherapy, we often encounter people who become depressed due to personal or social loneliness. Often a person in such a state does not realize or understand what is happening;
Sociopathy . A genetic disorder in which a person is unable to build close relationships and comply with the norms of the society in which he lives;
Autism . A mental disorder accompanied by the absence or extreme poverty of emotions familiar to people, and the lack of need for communication.

Interesting fact
In ancient times, it was believed that homesickness was a dangerous disease that could result in death. According to statistics, about 70% of people experience nostalgia when they change their place of residence.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
However, for some it takes on clinical forms, driving a person into depression, accompanied by problems with sleep, nightmares, phobias, panic attacks and, as a result, isolation from the environment.

Approximately 60% of married people feel lonely

Erich Fromm wrote about such a concept as “loneliness together,” apparently, the problem has existed in the West for a long time, that is, people are formally nearby, but in fact they are very far from each other. Yes, and what can we hide, we are very familiar with this condition: when a husband or wife becomes furniture, people simply stop noticing them. Naturally, the side that turns into an object in the eyes of the other feels that it is not loved, is not heard and does not want to understand. The fundamental principle of the feeling of coexistence has been lost, and from now on everyone lives on their own.

Sad consequences

The consequences of loneliness, as a lack of satisfaction of basic social needs, can appear immediately, or have delayed manifestations that arise years later.

The physiological consequences of loneliness include:

Chronic inflammatory processes . The body perceives the feeling of loneliness as a direct threat, so it tries to cope with it as if it were a disease, reacting by launching inflammatory processes. All this not only reduces immunity, but in the long term can lead to the development of cancer;
Cardiovascular diseases . Older people who are isolated from society have an increased risk of stroke and the development of coronary artery pathologies;
Eating disorders . Lack or insufficient communication can lead to disrupted eating habits, anorexia, and bulimia. Especially often such diseases manifest themselves with fear of loneliness in women and young girls;
Loneliness significantly increases a person's susceptibility to colds and viral infections ;
Alzheimer's disease . Associated with an increase in protein in the body, which negatively affects the brain, reducing cognitive abilities. Elderly people suffering from this disease, for the most part, do not have a sufficient number of social contacts;
Reduced life expectancy. The stable state of the body is directly dependent on the degree of sociability of the individual. Death alone can overtake a person earlier than if he has a wide social circle and leads an active lifestyle.

Psychological consequences include:

Depression from loneliness . People who constantly feel lonely have a high tendency to develop depressive conditions and a large number of corresponding symptoms. Moreover, in this case, the person’s age does not matter;
Problems in communication and establishing social connections . It would seem that a person who is tired of loneliness should be drawn to communication. But in reality, the opposite happens - the lack of contacts leads to the fact that people begin to experience a subconscious fear of communication, perceiving the interlocutor as a potential enemy;
Family problems . The feeling of loneliness in a relationship interferes with its normal development. If one or both partners feel lonely, this makes them doubt not only themselves, but also whether they are suitable for each other, since according to the majority, loneliness and love are incompatible (unless, of course, it is unhappy love) . With a sufficient level of mutual understanding, people can fight the fear of loneliness together. But more often they simply begin to make more claims to their life partner, which ultimately leads to a break in the relationship;
Difficulty trying to cope with stress . They are associated primarily with the lack of support from others, which is necessary to get out of a stressful situation.

In addition to all of the above, loneliness affects your lifestyle. It has been established that wide social contacts of a positive orientation help a person lead a healthy lifestyle .

People who are constantly in society most often eat right, take care of their physical fitness, and try to get enough sleep. And a good, stable relationship in a couple prevents alcoholism, drug addiction and the development of bad habits . To find your other half, you can use dating sites or social networks. This will be especially convenient for those who find it difficult to meet the opposite sex in real life (and in general, in the current conditions of quarantine, you can’t think of a better way).

Causes

The main reasons leading to feelings of loneliness include:

Receiving psychological trauma or severe fear in childhood.

The presence of subconscious fears.

The presence of an unfavorable psychological situation in the family.

Constant exposure to stress factors or a tendency to depression.

Unfavorable psychological situation in the team.

Character traits such as isolation, shyness, lack of self-confidence, fear of rejection, selfishness, and low self-esteem.

The presence of complexes and fear of condemnation.

Lack of trust in people.

Reasons to stay single

Characteristics of loneliness, shyness, selfishness, isolation, low self-esteem, fear of rejection

It is believed that loneliness develops most pronouncedly in people during adolescence, when the fragile brain begins to form a worldview, gains experience and learns about the world.

The formation of these reasons may be based on a lack of maternal attention, improper upbringing and lack of social activity. In addition, the origin of loneliness is directly related to psychological disorders.

Loneliness after the death of a loved one - stages of grief

Even the strongest and most confident person will falter before the loss of loved ones. The feelings of grief, loneliness and loss after a loss are always very strong. This loneliness stands apart from its other types, as it has a clear psychological classification and stages of progression.

Shock

The first, most natural reaction to death. It takes place in three stages:

Emotional disorientation . This is a short-term stage, lasting from several minutes to several hours. Characterized by sudden strong outbursts of despair, panic, and anger. Denial of loss is possible;
Hyperactivity . Lasts 2-3 days. A person develops vigorous activity, and this is facilitated by the need to organize a funeral and all related events. Emotions at this stage are dulled and are not fixed on the experience of grief.
Voltage . In difficult cases it can last for a week. Accompanied by extreme tension, “mask face”, silence, spasms when trying to talk, convulsive breathing.

Bargaining or the stage of simple decisions

At this stage, a person tries to “bargain” something from the world . Acceptance and awareness of death has not yet occurred, so the experience is accompanied by absolutely childish attempts to distance itself from what happened.

For example, “I’ll fall asleep, and when I wake up, all this will not happen, but he will be alive.” In return, a person offers something important to himself to someone unknown (God, death, illness), in the subconscious trying to “buy” the life taken.

Aggression

This stage goes through two stages.

The first is accompanied by hatred of everyone around . For her, the very fact that everyone is alive, but her loved one is no longer there, is enough. Hatred can also extend to the deceased himself. For example, a husband may blame his deceased wife for “abandoning” him, and a wife may blame her deceased husband for not being able to live after his death;
With the second stage comes a feeling of guilt . People who have experienced the death of loved ones begin to blame themselves for the loss, to fear that they did not do everything they could to prevent it. It especially often manifests itself when a loved one dies long after a difficult illness.

Depression

At this stage, apathy takes over the person. He loses sleep and appetite, refuses communication and attempts to console . The most difficult thing at this stage is for those people who are not used to sharing their experiences with others.

For them, further life without the deceased seems hopeless, they do not see the future, they are moving away from reality. How to overcome depression? In the natural course of events, it will move to the next stage on its own.

Adoption

The so-called stage of humility . A person who has consistently gone through all the stages, mourned his loss and splashed out negative emotions, logically comes to his former life.

It’s not for nothing that they say that time heals – it reduces the strength of emotions and calms feelings. The person begins to gradually return to his usual rhythm of life, experiencing only love towards the deceased, which does not depend on whether this person exists or is no longer there, light sadness and gratitude for the time they spent together.

Interesting fact
It is harder for a man to come to terms with the death of his wife than for a woman to come to terms with the death of her husband. A woman continues to live for the sake of her children, while for a widower they will never replace their mother.
No matter how strange it may sound, a woman by nature is unconsciously prepared for widowhood, since according to the logic of the development of homosapiens, the life of a man is shorter than the life of a woman. Therefore, the phenomenon of widower loneliness is unique, while widow loneliness is a normal social phenomenon.

Exercises

There are several types of exercises designed specifically to combat feelings of loneliness.

"Request"

You can cross the communication barrier with a simple exercise. Try unobtrusively asking questions to passers-by asking for help.

Do not formulate complex sentences, keep a friendly expression on your face, and make it clear that you will not be offended by a refusal.

"Day to fight loneliness"

Give yourself some communication training. To do this, you need to choose a day, preferably the end of the work week, and an event in a place where you feel comfortable.

Don't forget about a friendly facial expression, a smile and a positive attitude. Choose someone you like, approach them and ask them what they think about the event.

Meditation "my fire"

To perform this exercise, choose a comfortable position and close your eyes. In your imagination, paint a picture of a spring evening, when you are walking along the street, admiring the landscape and houses, and feeling peace. Then pay attention to the warmly lit windows of the houses.

Imagine the same warm light inside you. It gives you comfort, peace, burns with a calm, clear, warm light. Imagine this light as a tongue of flame. Pick it up, thank it for the warmth it gives you, and place it back. This is your protection from loneliness, which will always be with you.

"List of Pleasures"

This exercise is best done in a group, or at least with one other person.

Write down five activities that give you unconditional pleasure. This should be the first thing that comes to mind;
Think about the list . Leave those activities that you do more often;
Exchange lists with another person and compare the results. This contributes to the additional pleasure of finding similarities and differences.

Radical method - when everything is enough

What to do if you have tried all the methods, but nothing helps you? There is a solution -

Turbo-Suslik system
. This unique technique will help you independently clarify important points and change life attitudes, including the most fundamental ones .
However, this method is not suitable for everyone, since this effective psychotechnics will radically change your life. If you are ready for this, all you need to do is download the book and start taking action!

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .