The most common type of domestic violence is psychological, says psychologist Nadezhda Georgieva. According to her, there are many more cautious abusers in society than uninhibited domestic tyrants. These “quiet people” skillfully hide their true colors, and victims often do not suspect for years that they live under the same roof with a toxic person. What damage does psychological violence cause? How does it manifest itself? Is there any hope that the person practicing it will be willing and able to change? Let's deal with Nadezhda Georgieva.
Why is psychological violence dangerous?
Damaged self-confidence, fears, complexes, depressed mood,
even
depression
- these are the consequences of “bloodless” violence for the victim.
They are quite comparable to the damage caused, for example, by beatings. Experts have long trumpeted on every corner that psychological violence is just as destructive as physical violence. Only women who are accustomed to direct or veiled ridicule, insults, humiliation, neglect, and devaluation ignore the warnings and do not see the seriousness of the situation. “When sharing their stories, women often laugh and make jokes.
Like, just think: you came, stomped your feet, took the money - all the same, he says, you’ll go crazy,” says the psychologist.
psychological defense
manifests itself in those who are not ready to look for a way out of the current situation. The woman shared her emotions, relieved the tension - and that was all. She is again ready to endure the barbs of someone who craves power over her.
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You can get help by contacting the crisis center
- Help centers often provide shelter for victims , where you can take refuge with your children from the persecution of a domestic tyrant
- Free psychological help - psychologists at the crisis center will provide you with support and help you see the situation soberly. There are no psychologists who are not familiar with the terrible phenomenon of domestic tyranny with all its features, who will persuade you to make peace with your tyrant husband and say that you yourself are to blame for everything, as sometimes happens - especially with Vedic and “practical” psychologists
- Many centers have 24-hour helplines where you can get the help you need at any time
- Free legal assistance . Qualified lawyers will tell you what you can count on, what rights you have, what and how to do in your situation, and, if necessary, they will represent your interests in court. You don’t just have to graze, but you have the right to both living space and alimony. And the actions of a domestic tyrant, especially assault, are crimes, and they are punishable. Even the threat of murder is punishable by 2 years in prison.
How to recognize a psychological tyrant
At the very beginning of a relationship, tyrants go out of their way to lure the victim into their networks. Natural charm, sweeping gestures, mind-blowing compliments - all this dulls a woman’s vigilance, and she herself does not notice how quickly she is losing control over her own life
.
From some point on, she has to live by someone else's rules
, and violating them is fraught with punishment.
“The tyrant does not accept disagreement, even in small things, so it is impossible to come to an agreement with him.
If he demands that a woman put five peas of allspice into the soup, then he will make a dressing down if one pea is missing,” notes the psychologist.
criticizes
other people's opinions that do not coincide with his own caustically and mercilessly.
Wary of scaring off the victim, the psychological rapist at first flatly denies that he is experiencing negative emotions
.
In situations where it is natural to be angry and indignant, he smiles calmly or maintains his cool. But only externally - indignation rages inside. Sooner or later, the tyrant will not be able to restrain his aggression
- and will explode, bringing down all the accumulated anger on the woman.
Any tyrant seeks to unbalance his victim, to cut the ground from under his feet - he is driven by the desire to seize power
and
take a stronger position
.
A psychological abuser often acts on the sly: having studied the weaknesses of another person, he deliberately stings them. He seems to be giving a compliment, but in reality he is trying to cause mental suffering. “A woman has a complex about being overweight and, having bought a new thing, hears from her husband: “The dress, of course, is beautiful, but don’t be offended!”
– you look ridiculous in it. What did you want? With your build, you need to choose more modest outfits,” Nadezhda Georgieva gives an example. Of course, because of a poisonous compliment, a woman wilts, and that’s all a psychological rapist needs.
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Psychological violence often goes hand in hand with economic violence. When a man strictly controls his wife's expenses
and demands to account for every penny, or
demands to leave a job
because he earns enough, or constantly emphasizes that a woman is financially dependent on him, and
devalues her domestic work
, he is, without a doubt, practicing
economic violence
. The goal is the same - to make the victim feel worthless and weak.
Wanting to remain an unshakable authority for the victim
, the psychological rapist vigilantly watches that potential “competitors” do not loom near her.
Those who can open a woman’s eyes to her unenviable position are also unbearable. That is why he does his best to prevent communication with “unreliable” friends and even relatives. “Sometimes women are forced to secretly maintain relationships with their parents and adult children,”
the psychologist sighs.
Also, the tyrant in every possible way interferes with the personal development and self-realization of the victim
.
For example, it does not allow you to obtain a higher education, improve your qualifications, or take a leadership position. He can violently protest even against a harmless hobby. “If a woman wants to learn to dance, he will do everything possible to prevent her from taking classes.
Because he is firmly convinced that his wife is driven by a base desire - “to wag her hips in front of other people’s men.” The very thought that someone might show interest in his woman is unbearable for him,” says Nadezhda Georgieva.
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It has been established that women who have been familiar with psychological violence since childhood are predisposed to relationships with a “unpugnacious” tyrant. Those who, from a tender age, have heard ridicule and bullying addressed to them and have become accustomed to the disdain of significant people
sensitivity to other people’s aggression
becomes dulled, or even completely .
That is why such women are not indignant and do not stop attempts to undermine their self-esteem
.
But there is a sure sign that your partner is a psychological abuser. These are feelings. “If after communicating with a person you
feel humiliated, crushed, unsettled, “wrong,” it is safe to assume that you have been subjected to psychological violence,”
explains the psychologist.
Causal factors of male aggressive behavior
If a man hits a woman, psychology says: throw aside the ancient “wisdom” about high feelings and similar manifestations of them. The reasons for beating are varied, but none of them is associated with an expression of love. Neither problems at work, nor extreme fatigue, nor other situations justify aggressive behavior. These factors, as a rule, unite the family with a functioning connection. The husband shares his concerns, he is interested in his wife’s opinion about the problem that has arisen, and her support is important.
The causative factors of aggression are deeper. They require definition, decision. Often spouses cannot cope without specialized help. If the actions taken are not effective, the result of male aggression is the disintegration of the family. Despite the wife’s fears about starting a new, independent life, this outcome is optimal, because otherwise there is a high risk of the situation worsening. According to family statistics, domestic violence often leads to serious physical (and mental) health problems. Unfortunately, deaths are common.
Psychology points out the following factors as the reasons why a man hits a woman:
- Alcohol, drugs. These are the primary causes of aggression caused by changes in a person’s mental state. In the presence of such bad habits, violent behavior is a situation that requires an immediate response.
- "Echoes" of childhood. In this case, violence that occurred in the man’s childhood plays a role. If the father showed aggression towards the mother, the son may begin to perceive such behavior as natural. He demands worship, submission to himself - this principle was embedded in his psyche from an early age. An important factor in this regard is the mother’s obedience, which leads to impunity for the aggressor.
- Constant life troubles. The lack of results of efforts, the inability to achieve the desired heights can provoke the accumulation of deep resentment towards the world around us. Often negative feelings spill out on the person closest to you.
- Lack of response to violence. A woman who takes on outbursts of aggression without an appropriate response supports subsequent manifestations of it. Impunity gives rise to a feeling of superiority in the aggressor, and he again uses force.
- Dictatorship. If a man imagines family leadership as dictatorial behavior, he will assert his dominance through force.
- Provocative behavior on the part of a woman. In the question of why a man beats a woman, psychology also highlights this factor. Constant adultery, neglect of responsibilities towards children, home, inappropriate, immoral lifestyle, alcohol, drug addiction... These are just some of the reasons that cause aggression on the part of the husband.
- Self-affirmation. This factor is typical for weak men who want to show their strength. Since he cannot demonstrate it in front of a strong opponent, the only option left is a weaker opponent in the person of his wife.
- Mental disorder. Answering the question why a man raises his hand against a woman, psychology indicates that he has a mental illness. Since men are less likely than women to seek specialized help, the disorder may remain undiagnosed for a long time, becoming a cause of assault.
- Difficult life period. Along with a closed character, this factor also manifests itself in the form of aggression. A long-term accumulation of anger and embitterment either becomes the cause of a mental disorder or spills over onto a loved one.
If a man raises his hand against a woman, psychology identifies many other causal factors that can lead to similar situations. They also include hormonal imbalances, fears of loss of authority, etc. Often only a specialist can determine the cause, so it is important to contact him after the first incident of domestic violence.
Is it really possible to influence an abuser?
The sadistic behavior of guys often hides unlived childhood traumas, sexual violence committed against them at a young age, and painful breakups with previous passions. These problems are resolved with a psychotherapist, and the man himself must express a desire to change. But since working on oneself is difficult, time-consuming and expensive, the abuser chooses the easy way out, taking out his anger on loved ones. It is a rare rapist who is able to rethink his behavior and seek professional help. Therefore, the main advice to women who for some reason endure domestic violence is one: end this relationship.
Family fight: the saddest Russian tradition
Victims of violence have always existed in our country; just remember history. A couple of centuries ago, beatings were not only not condemned, but even encouraged. It was believed that in this way the husband showed his authority in the family. Even if, during the next family brawl, a man killed a woman, those around her turned a blind eye: she, the fool, was to blame, so there was a reason, there was nothing to provoke.
The current situation is little better. They began to pay attention to deaths and rapes, but even representatives of law enforcement agencies often turn a blind eye to the fact of beatings. And women who contact the police often withdraw their own statements, believing that in this way they will destroy their family. “After all, he is a good person. Well, I was tired at work, I drank, and here I am with my reproaches. It happens to everyone?"
Where to turn if your husband beats you?
First, you need to search the Internet for the nearest crisis center, and then think about how to contact the center itself. I advise you to find the address and telephone number of a crisis center in your region right now and save them in your phone - just in case. The search most often contains only telephone numbers, addresses and e-mails of women's assistance centers. Not everyone has a website—apparently, they don’t care about websites. But a telephone is enough for us, right? Some crisis centers also have websites where you can read useful materials. I found several websites of women’s help centers as examples, for the largest cities:
- There are several crisis centers in Moscow, for example: Crisis Center for Women and Children
- There are also many crisis centers in St. Petersburg, one of them: “Ingo” - a crisis center for women
- There are also several crisis centers in Yekaterinburg, the website of one: Crisis
If you haven’t found anything at all for your city or region, then here is a universal lifesaver, which I also found on the Internet - an all-Russian toll-free helpline:
